28. Chapter 28

After Setup and After Countdown

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: I'm running out of ways to say I don't own Castle. Rating: K+ Time: See above.

Castle or Josh? Josh or Castle? Castle or Josh? Josh or Castle? Kate Beckett turned over so that she faced away from Josh who was sleeping beside her. For years I didn't have a boyfriend. I didn't need a boyfriend. I was Kate Beckett and my sole purpose in life was to find my mother's killer and bring him to justice. Now I have two boyfriends? No, I have one boyfriend and something else. As usual, Castle is the wild card. He's not my boyfriend, he's…What? Well, he is my partner on the homicide squad. He's the best partner I could ever have. He's the only partner I'd ever want. I'm a better detective because of him. Damn it! We're more than partners on the job. Somehow were more than the sum of our parts. Together we've reached some sort of critical mass. I have to keep Castle as my partner. I couldn't go back to what I was before. It would be like losing half of me.

He's my friend. In a bizarre way he's responsible for my current problem. Before Castle, I was happy with my non-existent social life. I worked and when I got home, I'd read a book. I wasn't having any fun, but I told myself that having fun would detract from my goal in life. Then I met Castle. I was solving cases I never would have solved and, as odd and bizarre as it seemed, I was having fun. Even his weird theories about time traveling vampires or penguin religious cults makes me smile. We see each other as friends. We go for drinks, we eat lunch or dinner together. After all, we have to eat. We've been to movies together. We've kissed. And because of Castle I decided I wanted more. I wanted to date. I wanted romance in my life. I wanted more fun! And that led me to Josh. And Castle.

Kate breathed deeply. Yes. And somehow our friendship has reached another level. A level that makes me wonder if the term friend is still appropriate. That said, he's never really acted like he wants more. I think. One thing for sure, he's never come on to me. Oh, there were a few risqué comments when we first started working together, but nothing since. The only time we've ever kissed it was to distract a guard. We've held hands a few times, but that was just to comfort him. Being handcuffed and facing a serial killer, or taking down a professional hit man unarmed, would leave anyone needing comfort.

But I'm not thinking of Castle as a friend any more. I'm thinking of him as…What?

When we were in the hazmat quarantine, I told him that I just wanted to find someone who'd be there for me, and I could be there for…Was I really talking about Castle? He didn't say anything. Did he think I was talking about Josh? Damn it! He never talks to me. Kate laughed mirthlessly. Yes, and I'm famous for being open with my feelings. Not! Should I tell him that I feel…What? That I'd like to try. I'd like to try for something more, that's it. But suppose it's not what he wants. Would he tell me he just wants to be friends? Would trying for more destroy what we have? I just don't know.

We almost died in that freezer. For a second I thought I knew what I wanted. I didn't want us to die without my telling Castle how much I wanted him. That I wanted more than what we have so far. But then Josh showed up. He hadn't gone to Haiti. We do have a chance! Do I have a chance with Castle? Do I want a chance with Castle? Do I want a chance with Josh? Why is this happening to me?

Kate rolled onto her back to try to get some sleep. She was wide awake. A half an hour later, she wasstillwide awake. We almost died. I would have died if not for Castle. We stood there facing that damned bomb. I took his hand. If we were going to die, I wanted to die holding hands with Castle. Was that because he's my partner, my friend, or is it because…I'm falling in love with Castle?

When I first met Castle I did everything I could to push him away. I did not want to be around him. I hated him and all I wanted to do was hate him. I hated having him around. And now he's my partner. I fought liking Castle. I refused to like him. I was determined that I would not, under any circumstances, like Castle. Now he's my friend. I have fought feeling anything more than friendship for Castle. That, I said to myself, was reserved for someone like Josh. If I stopped trying to push Castle away all the time, what would I feel for him?

What would he feel for me? There in the precinct he wanted to talk to me. The look in his eyes said it wasn't that he was tired and wanted to go home. He wanted to say something important to me. Then Josh came and the moment passed. What did he want to say? Even with Josh's arms around me, I watched Castle all the way to the elevator. He was unhappy. I know it. He was unhappy that he couldn't tell me something because Josh was there.

I don't know what Castle wants from me. I don't know what I want from Castle. I don't know what I want from Josh. I don't know what Josh wants from me.

Josh or Castle? Castle or Josh? Josh or Castle? Castle or Josh?

I can't do this.

Author's note: Yes, I really do hate writing a story where Kate is in bed with Josh. This took a long time to write. Sentences like, "A huge, slavering, razor-tooth Vorlag beamed down from his spaceship, grabbed Josh in his massive jaws and returned to his ship. Josh was never seen again.", kept appearing in the story. I think I could pen an entire novel on that theme.