230. Chapter 230

After Always, Again

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: This is one of the Castle episodes I've always wanted to own. But I don't. Rating: K Time: See above.

Kate Beckett stopped in front of Dr. Burke's office and carefully thought over what she was going to say to the doctor. It wasn't that she didn't trust the doctor, but if he knew nothing about Senator Bracken and all of the rest of it, he couldn't be tortured, like Smith had been, into giving up information about her. She needed to keep Bracken guessing about just what she did or did not know.

Satisfied that she had her facts straight, she smiled and entered the doctor's office.

"Hello, Detective Beckett. "The receptionist said cheerfully. "Doctor Burke will be ready for you in just a second."

Kate sat down and had just started to look through the selection of magazines when Dr. Burke stuck his head out of the door and asked her to come in.

"How have you been doing, Kate?" He asked, once they were both seated.

"It's complicated." Kate said, but with a wide smile.

Noticing the smile, Dr. Burke nodded. "Would I be right in assuming it's a better complicated than before?"

Kate nodded. "I think I should just start from the beginning, so that you get everything properly. Okay?"

Dr. Burke just nodded.

"I told you that my shooting was connected to my mother's murder. While investigating another murder, we found DNA of the person who shot me. I admit now that I reacted badly to the evidence. I was afraid if I told anyone else in the precinct about it, they'd take me off the case. You really can't have a cop investigating her own shooting, can you?" And that's true as far as it goes. Kate thought to herself. There's no need to burden Dr. Burke with stories of corrupt cops and an even more corrupt senator.

"That night, Castle came to me and told me two things. First that he had been keeping evidence from me concerning my mom's and my cases. I asked him why he'd done that and he said it was because he loved me, and that he knew I had lied to him about not hearing him telling me he loved me when I was shot. He said he was trying to keep me safe. I was very angry, of course. He begged me to stop investigating. He said he was afraid I'd get killed. He told me that if his loving me meant anything at all to me, to please stop investigating. I didn't listen to him. I was too angry. So, he told me we were over."

"Over?" Burke interrupted. "Do you mean…"

"He walked out of my apartment. I wasn't paying attention. What he thought I was telling him was that his love meant nothing to me. What else could it have meant to him?"

"But that's not how you felt, was it?"

Kate shook her head. "I should have gone after him. I should have told him that I love him, too. I should have begged him to stay. I know we could have worked things out. I should have…."Kate stopped. "I've done this a thousand times before. I'm with Castle all alone in the precinct, or in the car, or his loft, and I know I should take his hand and just tell him how I feel. That I do love him. But I can't. I couldn't. I let him walk out and I just stood there with my heart breaking. How could he do that, knowing how important my mom's case was to me? I ran, just like I always do."

"What happened then?" Burke asked softly.

"I went on with the investigation without Castle. But, I went after the suspect with just one person with me. That was a big mistake. I was nearly seriously injured and the suspect got away, taking valuable evidence with him. I screwed up."

"This hasn't exacerbated your PTSD symptoms, has it?" Dr. Burke interrupted.

Kate smiled. "Not at all. In fact, I had an epiphany. I suddenly realized that all that I want in the world is Richard Castle. Just Castle." Kate leaned back in her chair and smiled.

"And?" Dr. Burke brought her out of her reverie.

"And, this next part might be a problem. Captain Gates suspended me. But, I resigned from the NYPD. It was a stupid thing for me to do, but I wanted to make a clean break of things. To put myself in a position where all I had was Castle. Where I couldn't pursue my mom's case. But, the NYPD won't be covering my medical bills anymore unless I can get my job back."

"We'll worry about that later, Kate. We'll work something out, I'm sure."

Kate nodded. "I called Castle that night, but he didn't answer. So, I went to his loft. I was soaked to the skin from the rain and cold as ice. He opened the door, and he wasn't happy to see me, I could tell. He asked me what I wanted and I finally told him. I just wanted him. Then I kissed him. It was our first real kiss, but he didn't respond at first. He asked me what had happened. I told him, and I told him I was so sorry and that all I wanted was him. Then we kissed again and he responded. Then I took his and led him to the bedroom. We made love. At long last. We made love."

"And you and Mr. Castle are together now? A couple?"

"Yes, we are." Kate was glowing with happiness when she said that. "I haven't felt like this in years. Maybe in my whole life. I feel so safe, so happy, and so loved. I just feel so stupid for pushing Castle away all those years. But we're on the right path now. I'm sure of it."

"So, do you think that your need for therapy is past?" Burke said, smiling.

Kate shook her head. "No. I think my PTSD is under control, but if anything happens, I'd like to be able to come back to see you. And I'm not quite where I want to be yet. I still hold things inside of me. I still don't let people in. And I want more than anything to let Castle be a part of me."

"What are you still holding inside, if I may ask?"

Kate looked at the floor, and then at Burke. "I still haven't told Castle that I love him. I want to. I want to say it over and over again to him. I think that telling him that I love him, too, would be the point of no return. Castle would then be the man in my life. The only man ever from now on. And I'm afraid. I'm still afraid that it won't last. I'm terrified in fact. More terrified than I've ever been in my life."

"Kate, you can do this. You just need to take things step by step. Can you do that?"

"Yes. Yes, I can."

Castle pulled up in front of Dr. Burke's building and opened the door for Kate. "How'd the therapy go?"

She leaned over and kissed him. "It went fine."

Castle pulled out into traffic and drove towards the precinct. "I hope Gates will give you your job back. You're too good a detective for her to just let you get away. I know, tell her you have an offer from an eccentric millionaire who wants to buy you your own police force."

Kate laughed. "Castle, she'll never believe that."

"She will when I buy you a police force." Castle said, smiling at the thought.

"Castle, thank you, thank you for everything. Everything you've done ever since we first met. I really appreciate it."

He smiled at her. "Always."

Author's note: If you go back and read my Author's notes for Chapter 54, you'll see that I intended to write a few After…Chapters for Season One, and maybe do a few for some of my other favorite episodes. What I did was to write an After…Chapter for every Castle episode from Flowers for Your Grave to Watershed, and then some. However, I'm going to take a break now and the end of Season Four seems like a good time. Next Tuesday, the good Lord willing, the crick don't rise, and willing, I'll have received the DVDs for Castle's Season Six, and Raging Heat. And, soon after that, we'll be seeing Season Seven of Castle. But, I fully intend to write more After…Chapters, just not one every day as I have been.

I'd also like to thank everyone who has posted reviews of my stories. I know I don't always reply to each and every one of you, but I do appreciate all of you. Thank you so very much.

You know, I was just thinking about After the Storm….No, not now. Later.