203. Chapter 203

AU After Slice of Death

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: I'd like an extra-large everything on it pizza, but no Castle, 'cause I don't own that. Rating: K Time: Shortly after my Chapter 99, for which this is kind of a sequel, but in AU territory.

"Do you think we have enough pizza?" Castle asked, surveying the three boxes sitting on the table in front of Beckett.

Beckett swallowed her pizza, then spoke. "We were going to have lunch when you got here, but then Ryan and Esposito had to go to One PP for some error in one of their reports. I looked at our copy of the reports and I'm sure they got it right, but you know One PP."

Castle nodded, although he really didn't know One PP. Yet another reminder that I'm not a cop.

Beckett motioned to the pizza. "Feel free to take whatever you like."

Castle sat down and took a slice. Not what I'd like, or rather not what I love, but I really can't go on like this. Hell, Demming was bad enough and I just had to put up with that for a few weeks. She said that she and Josh had a real chance. That means my chances are zero. Of course, even without DMB, my chances are still zero. I am not what she wants. Okay, I have to do this, and I will.

"I needed to talk to you anyway, so this is probably a good time. It is a good time, isn't it? You're not in the middle of making some major breakthrough on a case or something are you?"

Kate shook her head. "Phones and financials for an old case. No problem." Kate smiled to herself. Castle has been trying to tell me something for weeks now and every time he starts, something happens. If anyone tries to interrupt us this time, I swear I'll jam a pizza box down their throat. Especially if I think it's what he's going to say. Something that I'm equally willing and afraid of hearing.

"I've been thinking about the Nikki Heat books." Castle stopped and looked at her.

Beckett's stomach dropped. The damned books! He can't want to talk about them! Why the hell did I make such a fuss about the books? I love them. She took a deep breath. No, don't say anything. Maybe this is just his way of bringing us up. And why did I have to tell him there is no us. Even if it isn't the relationship I want and need, there's still an "us". "What about Nikki?"

"It's not really about Nikki, it's about Rook."

Okay, we all know that he's Rook, so maybe this is how he's approaching us. "What about Rook?" She asked, smiling and trying to encourage him.

Crap! This is harder than I thought and I didn't think it would be easy. "I'm not really happy with the job I've done on Rook. I really need to do more research."

Kate kept smiling. "Sure. Any kind of research you want to do is fine with me."

Yeah. He thought. I guess she really wants me out of her life. "So, I was thinking, Rook is a Pulitzer Prize winning reporter, and I'm a mystery novelist. Since I've been reading Gordon Burns' book on the snipers of Sarajevo, and his other stuff, I realize I don't really know much about what a reporter does. So. I thought maybe I should do research on that. You know, meet some reporters, go overseas, look around at some of the places Burns actually went and where Rook was supposed to have gone."

Kate was stunned. He can't be dumping me. He can't! "Don't you like working with me? Being on my team?" She blurted out.

"Sure, but I realize I need to do more research. I am a writer, not a cop, you know."

And who shot off her stupid mouth and told him he's not a cop? "Castle, you may not have a badge, but you're my partner. You're all the cop I want or need. I really need you to stay."

So, I am just her partner. Nothing else. "Beckett, you're the best homicide detective in the NYPD and you have Esposito and Ryan and everyone else. You don't really need me, but I do need to do this."

I don't need Ryan and Esposito like I need you. "Castle, please don't…"

"Hey, look! Ryan and Esposito are back already. "

Kate turned around and saw her two partners coming out of the elevator, waving at her and Castle.

She grabbed Castle's hand. "We're not done talking about this. We'll talk after work. And don't you dare mention this to anyone else."

Castle was confused. "Beckett, what..."

"After work." She whispered.

"Do you know what happened?' Ryan asked, sitting down with Esposito and grabbing a slice of pizza. "They got me confused with some other Ryan out in the Bronx. We went to One PP for nothing."

"Anything happening?" Esposito asked.

"Nothing!" Kate said quickly, her look daring Castle to contradict her.

For the rest of the afternoon, while the team went over phones and financials on the old case, Kate kept her eye on Castle.

Crap! She is angry with me. What the hell did I do now? He wondered.

By five o'clock they had gone over everything and found nothing. Castle got up. "Time for me to go. " He headed for the elevator with Beckett right behind him. He turned to face her as they got in the elevator. "Um, Beckett, you don't really need to…"

Beckett put her arm around his and held on tight. "We're going to my car. Are Martha and Alexis at home?"

"Um, no. Alexis is at a three day seminar at Hofstra and Martha is in Philadelphia. Two of her students are in a play there. But I don't see…"

"We're going to your loft." Kate snapped at him.

"Suppose I jump out and run away?" He said playfully.

"I'll run you down, drag you back and cuff you to the door."

Rick decided that whatever he had done, she was determined to give him both barrels.

Once at the loft, Rick decided he should try to be a gentleman. He took Beckett's coat and hung it in the hall closet and offered her a glass of wine, which she accepted. The walked into the kitchen where he got out the wine bottle and poured two glasses.

Before he could hand her the glass, he found her standing in front of him with her head on his chest. "Don't leave me." She whispered.

"What?" He was now more confused than ever. "Beckett, you don't really need me on your team, I mean we are great together, but…"

She put her hand over his lips. "This has nothing to do with the team. I do not want you to leave me. Do research with reporters if you need to, but please don't leave me. Don't leave me."

Castle was beginning to get an idea of what Beckett wanted, but he was far from sure. "I'm not sure I understand."

"Josh and I are going nowhere."

"I thought you said you had a chance."

She shook her head. "No. We both have one foot out the door. He with his job, me with mine. It isn't working."

"Okay, but just because you and Josh…"

She put her hand over his mouth again. "I'm a mess, Castle. I have been ever since my mom died. When she died, I put this wall up inside me to keep from ever getting hurt again. I fight that wall every day and you help. You help more than I can ever explain to you. I can't be the person I want to be, I can't have the kind of relationships I want to have, while that wall is still there. And I think that solving my mom's case is a lot of what I need to do to get that wall down. I know this is terribly unfair to you, but can you just wait for me until I'm ready?"

"Wait for you? For how long?"

She shook her head. "I don't know."

"Well, anything longer than eternity and I'll have to rethink it."

"Eternity?" She said. "You'll wait for eternity?" She had to laugh.

"I could be persuaded to go longer, you know."

"No. I think eternity will do. I think I might be able to be quicker than that." She put her arms around his and held him close. His arms went around her. "Castle, how do you feel about me? Really?" She held her breath, waiting for his reply.

Richard Castle looked into the abyss….And jumped. "I love you, Kate."