106. Chapter 106

After Heroes and Villains, Again

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: What can I tell you that I haven't already said? Rating: K Time: See above.

Author's note: Do I really have to tell you there's another one of these already?

You're a good cop and you've got somebody who cares about you. Don't be so driven by your past that you throw away your future. Kate Beckett remembered her words to Officer Ann Hastings. It's a damned shame that I can't take my own advice. I'm a good cop. Ask anyone. Ask Castle. He calls me remarkable. Hastings wants to be just like me. If she knew how screwed up my life is, I doubt if she'd be interested. I'm taking on some sort of vast conspiracy that can whistle up killers like Coonan, Lockwood and whoever shot me. Who'd want that?

So now I have no choice. Castle wanted me to let my mom's murder drop. I told him we were over. And now we're not over and I couldn't let my mom's murder drop if I wanted to. Which I don't. I can never stop trying to solve her murder. And if I don't stop them, they'll kill me.

And I have someone who cares about me. He loves me. And I love him. And I lied to him because I can't do a damned thing about it. It isn't just Mom's murder. It's Castle. If I let him, he'll be right there with me in the crosshairs. Kate laughed bitterly to herself. If I let him. As if I could ever tell Castle what to do. He'll stay with me and we'll die together, and my dad will have lost a daughter, Martha will lose a son and Alexis will lose her father. And I can't stop it from happening. I spent months in Dad's cabin trying to convince myself that I could really let Castle go. It's not just that I need him as a partner. He's too good a partner. The only chance I have of getting whoever is behind Mom's murder and coming out alive is with Castle. He's the best partner I have ever had. Better than Royce even. I just can't convince myself to let him into my life. It would be like I'm killing him myself. And I can't force myself to give him up. Poor Kate Beckett: A hopeless Castleholic. Can't live with him, can't live without him.

And I do love Richard Castle. He called Hastings and Paul Whittaker, as they were leaving the precinct, a writer and his muse. And then they kissed each other. He turned away so that he didn't see me smile. Ann Hastings and Paul Whittaker, Nikki Heat and Jameson Rook, and Kate Beckett and Richard Castle. Which one isn't like the other two? Easy. Beckett and Castle. Each of the first two have my backstory, but Ann and Nikki have overcome their inability to love anyone. I'm the odd one out.

How screwed up am I? I'm terrified of life without Castle and terrified of life with him. The worst would be if I got him killed. Almost as bad would be if he left me. He told me once that I deserved to be happy. He would make me happy. Or destroy me utterly.

Richard Castle flipped through the pages of his graphic novel. I can never let them do a Nikki Heat graphic novel. He thought. Everyone is convinced that Nikki is Kate and Kate is Nikki, and they're right. But if they did a graphic novel, they'd have to picture Nikki and in my mind, Nikki looks exactly like Kate. Nikki is Kate. And I'm Rook, of course. I could never let the artists draw Nikki as Natalie Rhodes. Nikki would have to look like Beckett. And then she'd know, beyond any doubt, that I love her. And I don't know how she'd react.

I've never described Nikki in the books, other than that she's attractive. I just can't force myself to take that one last step again. I told Kate once that I love her. Why can't I tell her again? I know the answer to that one. I was afraid I was losing her for good when I told her I loved her. If I tell her now, without knowing how she feels, I might lose her for good. I can't face that.

Castle smiled to himself. But Beckett would make one hot super hero, though. I can just see those long gorgeous legs in a pair of tights. The glorious ass of hers? What I wouldn't give to see that in skin tight leather. It's not her body that attracts me, though. It's Beckett. Everything about her attracts me. I just can't stop thinking about her. I don't want to stop thinking about her.

Electra Beckett and millionaire industrialist Rick Wayne, AKA, the Dark Knight. Maybe I could write something just for myself? No! If Beckett ever found out she'd kill me.

On the bright side, DMB is gone. And I'm still with her. In our talk at the swings, she said she had to take care of her mother's murder before she could be the kind of person she wanted to be, to have the kind of relationships she wanted to have. Well, no problem then. All I have to do is help her crack some vast, shadowy conspiracy, and keep both of us alive.

I wish to God that I'd never looked into her mom's murder.

Ann Hastings listened to her lover breathe heavily beside her. Don't be so driven by your past that you throw away your future. She remembered. Beckett was right. Becoming Lone Vengeance was stupid. I could have lost everything: my badge, my freedom and worst of all, I could have lost Paul. Beckett is exactly what I want to be. She's driven by the murder of her mother as I'm driven by Dad's murder. There are so many rumors about what happened when she shot that hit man in the precinct. I wish I knew what happened. I'd like to help her, I really would. I know I'm smart enough to make detective. I could join her team. I'd love that. The best detective and the best team in the force and me. Oh, and a world famous crime novelist. Ann laughed softly. Would I end up in a Nikki Heat book? Oh God! Not as Lone Vengeance! Anything but that!

At least she's found someone as well. Of course with Castle right there in the precinct, she can't be as open as I am with Paul. But everyone knows she and Castle are in love. I'm glad their together and happy.