103. Chapter 103

After Pretty Dead

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: I'm pretty sure I don't own Castle. Rating: K Time: See above.

Just keep showing up. Castle thought as he looked across the desk at Kate Beckett. And that's what I'll do, as much as I hate it. I've never done this before and it's odd. Really odd. There have been times in the past when a woman I was interested in wasn't interested. Even Rick Castle has his off days, I suppose. But I moved on. I said, "To hell with her." and went about my merry way. But this is different. Kate is different. I'm different.

Kate was looking something up on her computer and swearing under her breath. Just one of the many little things I find that I love about Kate Beckett. How seriously she takes all of this. How seriously she takes everything. No. That's not right. When I first met here she was uber-serious. She's changed since then. She has fun now. She even told me after she shot Coonan that I made her life a little more fun. She's different now, because of me. She has fun.

Castle remembered what having more fun meant now. Now she has a boyfriend. Before I came along and taught her about fun, Kate Beckett spent her weekends either on duty or on her rare times away from the job, read a good book. Now she has fun. She has someone in her life. She has a boyfriend. She has a lover. She has someone she wants to have a future with. Hoist with my own petard, Mr. Shakespeare, hoist with my own petard, indeed. And the person she wants to have a future with is not me.

Should I leave? Could I leave? Yes, I should leave. Beckett and I have been together long enough for me to realize that while she has feelings for me, they are the feelings you have for your partner and for a friend. She isn't going to look up one day and find that Rick Castle is her one and done. I should break it off cleanly. I can finish the remaining Nikki Heat books quickly if I put my mind to it. Then I'll need to start something new. I'll have to leave New York. I could never manage it if I knew that Beckett was just a cab ride away. Maybe out of the country? I've travelled. I've studied a lot of the places I've never been to doing research for Derek Storm. Maybe a hot Chinese cop in the wilds of Tibet. She'd be brainy, driven, dedicated, and passionate in the pursuit of justice. She'd be…Beckett. No. I'd need my cop to be male. Old, too. Sort of dim. Rarely takes a bath. Corrupt. Hard of hearing. Dead? A zombie cop? No use. I'd always be thinking of Beckett.

So, to the second part of my question. Could I leave Beckett? What if she became Mrs. Davidson? What if she left New York to be with her husband in the wilds of Tibet where he's working miracles and saving lives? I'd have to let her go then. Until then, no I can't leave Beckett. It would hurt too much. It would hurt more than anything in my life. Worse than Kyra heading for London. Worse than Meredith. Worse than Gina. I managed to bounce back from those. I lost Kyra, I found Meredith, and a few other women in between. I lost Meredith, I found Gina, and even more women in between. And now I've found Kate Beckett. And what I feel for her is many orders of magnitude more than I felt for Kyra, or Meredith or Gina. Or all of them put together.

So I will keep showing up. What's the old tale about the man who was condemned to death, but told the king that he could make a horse sing? Someone asked him why he did it. He said, "Who knows? The king may die. The horse may die. I may die. And perhaps the horse will learn to sing."

And so DMB may get trampled by a yak in Tibet. I may get trampled by a yak. Kate may decide she loves me. Or a horse may learn to sing. All of these seem about equally likely. Until then, I'll keep showing up.

Kate Beckett looked up quickly at Castle. I told him the other day that just continuing to show up was a good idea. And I meant it. I want him to show up every day. I want him to be with me. I just wish I knew what to do once he's here.

How the hell did I get myself into this mess? There's my mom's murder. That has been the one constant in my life for so long now I can barely remember what my life was like before that. I simply cannot change. Finding her killer, the man who sent Coonan has to be my number one priority. If I let myself love Castle as I know he deserves to be loved, he becomes my number one priority. I cannot do that! Or can I? Why is Coonan dead? Because I found him? No, because Castle knew a guy and cared enough for me to have one of the best forensics specialists in the country look at my mom's case. Is it possible that I can't solve my mom's case without Castle? We are better as a team than I was by myself. And if I'm wrong? Can I just tell Castle I don't love him as much as I should? That he'll have to wait until I find my mom's killer before I can love him as I should love him? Of course not! I realize now that I can't simply stop loving Castle totally. I can only manage how and when I show him that I love him.

He does love me. I know he does. Don't I? He's never said anything. Well, I think he means he loves me when he says always. I know that's what I want to hear. Is it because I'm with Josh? He won't say anything because I have a boyfriend? He never said anything about Demming. He just accepted that I had chosen Demming over him, but I didn't! Damn it, Castle! Why won't you fight for me?

I have to break up with Josh when he gets back. This is unfair to him, unfair to Castle and unfair to me. Then I'll have to try to show Castle that I care for him. Hold his hand when we go out to lunch? Rest my head on his shoulder when we're in the car waiting for something to happen? Actually tell him that I care for him.

Oh my god! I'm so afraid of telling the man that I love how I feel.