61. Katie

X~~~~X

Kate and Jim Beckett stared at each other, unmoving and Kate felt Castle's presence behind her before he had the chance to make himself known with words. She didn't turn to look at him, simply kept staring at her father.

"You need to go," she stated flatly, turning away from her father only to hear Castle's soft voice call her name, clueing her in on the fact that he knew about this.

"Kate," Castle said again, trying to get her attention, but she shook her head.

"No," she stopped him, "he needs to go," she repeated the words she had just spoken to her father, leaving no room for arguments as she walked past Castle, leaving him to deal with the unwelcome visitor.

Castle was smart enough not to argue with her. He knew they wouldn't get anywhere if he pressured her right now, even though he still believed this was what she secretly longed for.

Kate heard the men exchange some quiet words, one definitely being a "sorry" from Castle, before the door closed and Castle made his way over to her in the kitchen.

He found her glaring at him from where she was leaning against the kitchen counter and he could kick himself for apparently ruining what had been the best Christmas ever so far. He had thought it was something she wanted after their talk at her birthday and he had thought Christmas would offer the perfect occasion to reunite Kate with her father. From the look on her face he could tell he had been wrong.

"Kate," he stuttered, not sure where to start, how to make it alright again, when he still felt that she needed this piece of her heart mended, "Look I'm sorry -."

She stopped him with a raised hand, "I really don't want to talk about it right now Castle," she growled. "It's Christmas and our daughters and your mother will be down any second. I won't ruin this for them. So just don't."

He nodded, looking crestfallen even as he heard his daughters and his mother coming back down the stairs and watched Kate push off the counter. Her face transformed in front of him into a smiling mask as she passed him and muttered, "Put on a smile," before joining their family on the couch to start the movie.

He kept an eye on her during the movie, actually missing most of George Bailey's odyssey to get his life back, trying to read Kate, trying to figure out how bad it looked for him.

Kate put on one hell of a show, laughing and smiling as if she didn't have a care in the world, but he felt his mother's eyes on himself half way through the movie, shooting him a questioning look. He shook his head, silently telling her to leave it alone and she seemed to accept his request, turning her eyes back to the screen.

When Kate and Castle found themselves alone in the living room, after putting the girls to bed, saying goodbye to Martha and cleaning up side by side in silence, Castle made a new attempt to talk to her.

"Kate," he said, stopping next to her in the kitchen, hoping she would look at him. When she did, the expression on her face did nothing to get his hopes up.

"I need some fresh air," she told him quietly and his heart sank. "Can I leave you alone with the girls for a little while?"

That she asked surprised and pleased him, showed him she was trying not to simply run from this as she had before, leaving him with options. Yet he was still worried, "Of course, but Kate -," she stopped him right there.

"I'm not running, I just need to clear my head," she told him, her tone gentling. "When I come back we'll talk," she promised and then saw him relax a little.

"Where are you going?", he asked as he followed her to the door and watched her put on her boots and coat. He didn't like the thought of her wandering the streets alone at night.

"I don't know, but I won't go far. I'll take my phone with me, so you can reach me if something comes up, okay?" She really didn't want him to think she was falling back into old habits, but right now she didn't know what she was feeling or thinking about seeing her father and she needed to sort it out for herself before they could talk.

"I'll be back soon," she promised again, reaching for his hand and giving it a reassuring squeeze and Castle insistently hoped it was a good sign he hadn't done permanent damage.

Kate stepped out into the street with no idea where to go, so she just started to walk, trying to figure out how she wanted to deal with her father's sudden appearance and Castle's obvious involvement in it. Right now she mainly felt confused. She didn't know what she felt about her father standing in front of her after over two years of silence and she didn't know if she should be mad at Castle for going behind her back or not.

She had no idea how long she had wandered the streets when she finally stopped to find herself in her old neighbourhood, her parents' apartment only a block away.

She stared down the street, a long ignored longing pulling her forward and she suddenly knew why Castle had contacted her father. He had heard that longing in her voice when they had talked about him and as usual he had done what he thought would make her happy.

And yet she was scared, scared that she was setting herself up for another disappointment, that she would get her hopes up only to be left alone again. But it was different now, right? She had Castle. She wasn't alone in this anymore, he would be there for her no matter what. She had no doubt about that.

With shaking hands she rapped her knuckles against the familiar door and waited, her heart beating wildly when she heard the key on the other side turn.

"Katie?", her father gasped and she managed a small, nervous smile.

"Hey, Dad."

Jim Beckett let his daughter into the living room. Both seemed unable to find the right words to start so Kate simply observed for a while. The apartment looked neat and clean, just like her father. Fresh flowers were placed on the coffee table and she noticed a new set of curtains hanging in front of the windows.

"Coffee?" Jim asked, standing nervously in the doorway as he watched his daughter observing her environment.

"Yes, thank you," she nodded, relieved to be granted a couple of extra minutes to calm her nerves.

"I'll be right back," her father said, a smile appearing on his face as he turned to leave her alone.

Kate's eyes came to rest on a picture of herself placed on the sideboard and an unframed one of Jamie that had been taken recently. She picked that one up and looked at her little girl.

"Rick gave it to me the last time we met," her father's voice startled her, "I hope you don't mind."

She shook her head, "No, it's fine."

"She's gorgeous," he smiled warmly and it felt like a stab to her heart to hear those words from him now, over two years too late.

"I know," she replied, sounding defensive and her father took a step back, motioning to the couch.

"Why don't we sit?" He suggested. "I'm sure there's a lot you want to know."

Kate nodded, "There is," she confirmed and waited him out. This was neither her story to tell, nor would she make it easy for him.

"I don't know where to start," Jim Beckett admitted a bit helplessly, his hands running through his hair that was slightly shorter and greyer than Kate remembered.

"How about at the beginning?" She suggested, reaching for the cup of coffee her father had placed in front of her, mainly to have something to hold onto, something to warm the chill she felt in her bones.

"The beginning, yes," Jim mumbled, taking a deep breath before he looked her straight in the eye and began.

"When I left you and Jamie at the hospital I went home and did what I did best back then, drowned my sorrow and self-pity with Scotch and anything else I could find. The next thing I remember is waking up in the hospital. A colleague from work had found me when I hadn't showed up for two days in a row."

Kate swallowed, realizing what might have happened if her father's colleague hadn't checked on him.

"When I came back to my senses I wanted to call you, only to remember that you were – and rightfully so – done with me. I checked myself into rehab the next day. I haven't touched a drink ever since."

She gave him a smile for that, because despite everything, she was glad he had made it out of that hole alive.

"I know I have no right to ask your forgiveness. I left you alone when you needed me the most and there is no apology in the world that will ever be enough to make up for what I did to you, what I put you through. I know that."

"Dad," she tried, but he stopped her.

"No, let me finish please. I know I have no right to ask you for anything and yet I do. I'm asking you for another chance, a chance to be a part of your life and Jamie's too, to whatever extent you are comfortable with," he sighed, "Everyday in rehab I prayed that I would find a way, the courage to ask you for this chance. I was so scared I would never get it that when Rick showed up at my doorstep I was too selfish to turn him away, to tell him I needed to do this alone. I wanted to believe him when he said you missed me, wanted to believe there was still a daughter and a granddaughter out there waiting for me, because I've missed you, so much."

Kate cleared her throat, fighting against her own emotions but yet wanting to know more about Castle's involvement in this, "What else did he say to you?"

"He said he needed to make sure I was up for this, that he wouldn't let me hurt you again. We met a couple of times. He came to the office, made sure I actually was clean and only when he was satisfied with what he saw did he agree to bring us together." He took a deep breath. "I'm sorry I ruined your Christmas Katie, I should have known better," he added after a moment of silence. "I just wanted to see you so much."

"You didn't ruin it," she said quietly, keeping her head down. They sat in silence for a while, for a moment simply enjoying each other's company.

"What now?" Kate finally asked, meeting his eyes.

"Whatever you want, Katie," her father said, "I'll do whatever you want, but there is one thing you need to know. I wish I could promise you that it will never happen again, that I will never go back down that road, that I'm truly done with this part of my life but I can't. I can only promise to try to do my best, every day, to not let it happen again. That's all I can give you, anything else would be a lie. You should know that."

"I need some time to think this through," she finally told him, getting up to leave. She knew Castle would be worried if she didn't show up back at the loft soon.

"Of course, all the time you need," he agreed.

"I'll call you?" She suggested warily, having no idea what was appropriate in this situation.

"Sounds good," her father smiled, leading her to the front door and grabbing a bag on his way. "I have some Christmas presents for you, Jamie and Alexis."

"Alexis?" Kate frowned.

"Rick told me about her and I had the feeling she's very important to you," he told her, holding out the bag for her to take.

"She is," Kate confirmed. "But I'd rather have you give it to them yourself," she finally stated, leaving the bag untouched.

"Okay," Jim nodded, realizing her words meant that there was hope and then because he didn't know what else to say he added, "Your Rick is a good man."

"He is," Kate smiled, her eyes watering. "He truly is."

She was about to turn when her father added one more thing, "I'm very proud of you Katie."

Her arms wrapped around him before she even knew it, pulling him close for a brief second and then letting go, "I'll call you," were her last words before she disappeared into the night.

Kate quietly let herself back into the loft, only five minutes after she had gotten into a cab in front of her dad's place. Checking for any noises, she found the loft quiet and peaceful as she shed her boots and coat to make her way into the bedroom.

She found Castle propped up against the headboard, shirtless, and asleep, the book he had been reading lying open in his lap.

She approached him with a smile and sat down at his side to place a soft kiss against his lips, waiting for him to open his eyes.

She spoke when she knew he was with her, beating him to anything he might blurt out, "I love you," she whispered, enjoying the surprise in his eyes that turned to wonder, and then she said it again, just to see that wonder again. "I love you."

Her lips found his once more and this time his were responding eagerly as he pulled her over into his lap. His hands ran up and down her back, while he felt hers against his bare chest.

When they finally pulled away, gasping for air, her hand came up to caress his cheek, "Thank you," she smiled up at him, "For pushing when you know I need it and even though I might get mad at you. For this perfect Christmas. For everything, just thank you."

"Always," Castle replied, still dealing with her declaration and the fact she was here in his arms, relaxed and happy, "Where have you been?"

"At my dad's," she smiled shyly, watching the surprise in his eyes.

"Your dad's? Really?" He studied her carefully. "How did it go?"

"We talked," she shrugged, snuggling down at his side, her hand coming to rest on his chest. "It was -," she took a deep breath, "it was good to see him. You were right, I needed this."

"Are you okay?" Castle asked softly. "I didn't mean to upset you by inviting him. I just thought -," she stopped him with a finger against his lips.

"I get it, really I do and I'm not mad, not anymore anyway," Kate reassured him. Castle let out a relieved sigh and pulled her closer. "I know you want me to be happy." Kate added.

"I do," he kissed the top of her head. "And you're still moving in?" He just needed to make sure.

"Yeah, where else would we go?", she teased, hooking her leg over his.

They lay together in silence for a long time until Castle's soft voice broke it.

"Do you think you'll give him a chance?"

"I think I will," she nodded, "I think we're both ready."

"I'll be with you every step of the way," Castle assured her, watching her eyes dance across his face.

"I know," she smiled. "It's one of the reasons I love you about you."

His face lit up again with so much joy it was contagious. She wanted to put that look on his face again and again. She never wanted to stop to make him as happy as he made her.

"I love you too," he beamed back, before he sealed her lips with his.

X~~~~X