2. Suddenly

X~~~X

She stood nervously in front of her father's door, fumbling with her keys. He had called her a week ago, begging her to give him another chance, promising he was better. Promising her again he wouldn't let her down this time and as much as Kate wanted to believe it was true, the past year had taught her not to get her hopes up. Still she couldn't help the small voice in the back of her mind which kept telling her that maybe this time he was actually better. Maybe today was the day they could start anew. She really hoped so, because she had something important she needed to tell him.

"Katie," her dad opened the door for her, before she could let herself in. "I'm so glad you came."

"Hey Dad," she tried to smile, yet couldn't help to look for the typical signs, telling her he had been drinking again. She was relieved when she found none.

"Come on in," Jim Beckett ushered her inside and down the hall towards the living room. Everything was exactly like she remembered it. Her father hadn't changed a thing in her childhood home since her mother had died.

Sitting opposite each other, neither of them knew what to say, unsure how to deal with one another after so many disappointments and so much hurt. The past year had done a lot of damage to their relationship and neither of them knew how to fix it.

"You look good," Kate finally cut the awkward silence evolving around them, offering her dad a smile.

"I feel better," he nodded. "I'm going to the meetings."

"That's great Dad," he didn't miss the lack of enthusiasm in her words.

"This time I will pull through, Katie. I promise." His words were sincere as he tried to convince her.

"I'm glad." Kate managed to respond. She really wished she could trust him, believe that this time it would be different. But she had lost her trust and belief somewhere along the road. She even hated him sometimes for putting her through all of this. Couldn't stop cursing him for not being stronger, for leaving her alone, but he was her dad and he was all she had left. So she kept coming back, putting her heart on the line and hoped not to have it broken again.

"There is something I need to tell you." She changed the topic, getting to the reason why she came here in the first place.

"Sure, sure," he kneaded his hands together. "What do you want to talk about?"

"Dad, I …," She got cut off mid-sentence.

"You know I found a box full of books your mother loved," he told her eagerly. Getting up before she could stop him, he disappeared down the hallway, coming back a minute later with a big box which had books/storage scrawled on it. "I thought you might want to have them."

"Yeah, uhm … thank you." Kate signalled him, to leave the box beside the door, before she watched her dad sit back down on the couch. Noticing his apparent restlessness, which was never a good sign, she realized she needed to get this over with. "Dad, I'm quitting college."

This stopped his fidgeting, "Katie?"

"I want to join the Police Academy." She quickly continued before she lost her courage.

"Is this about NYU? Do you want to go back to Stanford?" He asked. "If you want to, don't let me stop you. I'll be okay." He suddenly stood up, staring down at her.

"It's not about Stanford or NYU," she sighed, "I want to do this."

"A police officer?" Jim Beckett asked, sitting down again, his eyes now diverted to his hands. "You always wanted to become a lawyer. The first female Chief Justice. You loved Stanford. I don't understand. This has been your dream Katie. Your Mom …," Kate cut him off.

"Things change, Dad. I want to do more than just presenting someone in a court room. I want to make a difference. I want to join the NYPD and I want to be a detective one day."

"This is about your mom," He sighed and it wasn't a question.

"No!" She exclaimed, getting up to start pacing in front of the couch. "Maybe. I don't know. I only know I have to do this. I want to do this and I know mom would be proud of me. She would want me to do something that makes me happy." She knew she wasn't being honest, with herself or her dad. This was all about her mom.

He looked at her, eyes wide, "It's dangerous."

"Life is dangerous," she answered bitterly.

"Kate," she stopped him, holding up her hand.

"I'm not asking for your permission or your blessing. I'm merely informing you I will apply for the Police Academy this spring and I won't go back to college."

X~~~~X

He hadn't been thrilled, but he hadn't put up a big fight either, she counted it as a success. Her dad would learn to live with her decision, but right now she had to focus on something else. Sitting in the living room of the tiny apartment she had rented after returning from Stanford, the box with her mom's books in front of her, she tried to gain the courage to open it. It's been over a year, it should get easier, right? Only it didn't.

Taking a deep breath, she opened the lid and looked down at her mom's collection of Jane Austen. She felt the tears running silently down her cheeks, but didn't bother to wipe them away, as she carefully placed book after book on her coffee table.

Almost reaching the bottom of the box her hands reached for a book she had often seen on her mom's night stand. She smiled at the memory.

Richard Castle

In a Hail of Bullets

Richard Castle, her mom's favorite author. Kate had never read any of his books, never understood what her mom found in them. Why she read each and every single one the day they were released. Crime novels just never appealed to her. Still she turned it around in her hand, freezing when she saw the author's picture. All too familiar blue eyes smiled back at her. It was him. Rick.

She'd had a one-night-stand with her mom's favorite author on the anniversary night of her murder. Looking up she sighed, something between a laugh and a sob escaping her lips, "You have got to be kidding me."

She had thought about him over the past two weeks, she wouldn't deny it, at least not to herself. His blue eyes had found their way into her dreams and she had been tempted to go back to that bar to see if she would find him there. But she didn't and she wouldn't. Especially after learning who he really was, there was no way she would see him again. This was all way too strange.

She did take the book to bed with her that night though, started reading and didn't put it aside until she had finished the last page early in the morning. A kind of peace settled over her, one she hadn't felt in a year and suddenly she understood what it was her mom found in his books. Solace.

Whenever her mom had felt like the law had failed, whenever she had seen injustice she couldn't change she had found refuge in his books. Because in his stories, she had told Kate, there was always justice and the good guys always won.

She opened the book again, letting her finger tips run over the first page, a dedication scribbled down under the title.

To Johanna,

Don't let them bring you down.

Every victory, as small as it may be, is still a victory.

It's about trying and making a difference.

You've got this.

Rick Castle

Her mom must have told him something when she went to the book signing, maybe she had a particular bad day in court or something else that had been bothering her, because the dedication was way too personal to be something he would have written onto every first page.

Clutching the book to her chest, she let out a shuddering sob, tears falling once again. Two weeks ago she had hoped for a night to forget. Now it seems it would be one to remember.

X~~~~X

It couldn't be. It mustn't be. The same words kept running through her head, over and over again. Like a mantra. It must be a dream, sure enough she would wake up any minute now to realize it hadn't been more than a nightmare. Only it wasn't. She never woke up. And she had to face the fact, she was indeed pregnant. The doctor had confirmed it to her 20 minutes ago.

Leaving the doctors office in a hurry she found herself wandering aimlessly through Central Park. It was a warm mid-April day, but she felt cold, numb, most of all lost and alone. What was she supposed to do? She was too young to do this on her own. Who was she kidding? She was too young to do this, period. She had plans. She had just passed the qualifying examination for the Police Academy. She was supposed to start next month. Things had finally started to get better for her and now this.

She couldn't understand how it happened. She was on the pill and they had used protection, she wasn't stupid. But maybe the second time, maybe … . She couldn't remember, suddenly that whole night was a big blur, the only thing she could focus on were his blue eyes. Damn him and his blue, captivating eyes, she couldn't seem to forget, those eyes which had haunted her in her dreams for the past months.

Why? Why her and why now? Hadn't she been through enough shit already? Angry tears were streaming down her face, when she finally found a bench to sit down. She wiped them away furiously. She needed to think, she couldn't afford to have a meltdown right now. She needed to make a decision, only there weren't really any options for her. She couldn't do it. There was no way she could raise a child right now. There was just no way. So she took in a shuddering breath, pushing herself off the bench to make her way home.

She needed to make an appointment, the sooner she got this over with, the better.

X~~~~X

That night she was thinking about him. By now she had read all his books, some even twice and like the first one they had all given her a peace no one else had been able to give ever since her mother died. She couldn't help but wonder what he would think of this. What he would do if he knew. Would he try to convince her to keep it? Would he even care? It had been a one-night-stand. They both had been clear about that. There was no reason for him to care.

She had read about his divorce in the papers a few weeks after their shared night, had briefly wondered if she had been the reason for it, before learning he had been separated for a year. She was relieved, though she couldn't explain why it mattered to her so much that he wasn't a cheating husband but someone seeking comfort in a stranger as much as she had that night. But nevertheless he now was the single dad of a five year old and having to deal with a one-night-stand who was now pregnant with his child would probably be the last thing he wanted or needed to deal with right now.

There was still a brief second where she considered getting in touch with him, but in the end she was scared he would brush her off like she was a nobody or worse, that she would be accused of having shady motives. After all by Friday this week there wouldn't be anything to inform him about anyway, she had made her decision.

X~~~~X

Friday came and she didn't go. She couldn't. Life was too valuable, and Kate knew that better than most people and she just couldn't convince herself to get up and go to the hospital.

Instead she stayed in bed, staring at the ceiling all day long, In a Hail of Bullets clutched to her chest and she couldn't stop wondering if this was some kind of cosmic joke her mother had set up. She didn't believe in fate, not anymore, but somehow she wasn't able to shake off the feeling that this might not be bad luck after all.

Kate opened the book again, reading the dedication for the hundredth time. Three little words stuck out.

You've got this.

She was going to be a mother and she needed a plan.

X~~~~X

AN: I won't be able to update this frequently all the time, I'll do my best though.