MEETING ME IN YOU

This story is about a very complicated person and his life which is no less complicated. Yes, I know, too much complicated. Well, that is the truth. This is his story. Tell no one.

I met that person on the train when I was going to the city, I was working in. I remember that day pretty well. It was cloudy and I could almost feel the rain in the air. There was no wind, or I just do not remember that it was. It was I think my third time on the train, and I was still pretty scared. Well, I am always scared. For almost each thing, I need to break through my walls every single time, but then I break them I am feeling completely free like a bird. Maybe it is better this way. I mean I can enjoy every scary thing multiple times.

This person was sitting in front of me and I think I glanced at him multiple times before the train even started to move. He had short brown hair, greenish eyes and one fairly big nose. I know. I am kind of bad at descriptions. It is because usually then I know a person very well I forget how he looks. I remember how he walks, smiles, looks at me then we talk about something and all appearance disappears. I guess it is because appearance is not that important then you have genuine connection with someone. You forget all about outside because inside is much brighter and you do not need to pretend anymore. I just wonder…

Finally train started to move and I remembered that I am sitting at the wrong side. My eyes and body have to always face the direction we moving otherwise I will get dizzy. I had this accident then I was very little. I do not remember it at all but my parents said I somehow slipped and my head like a hammer was going straight to the floor. I spent some time in the hospital and everything looked okay, but apparently there were some side effects. I was like this since I remember. Always forward.

- Hey, can we change places. It just that my head get very dizzy on this side and it makes me feel sick – I was not feeling very well and did not want to go look for another seat.

- Yeah, of course. – we changed places and all that sick feeling started to disappear. I was looking through the window and it was so green. For some reason, I remembered this song „Boys don't cry "by Grant Lee Philips. Then he sings boys don't cry I always say – oh, they do. Boys cry. Everyone cries. Okay, okay. Not everyone, majority. So, I was having a lot fun like that until-

- So, what happened? – I did not expect him to ask me this. I mean people are usually afraid to start a conversation with random stranger. Could it be that it all happened because I opened my mouth first. He heard my voice and it tells a lot about a person. I mean if you know what to look for. Spoilers – he does know.

- Ohh, I just had this accident then I was little. Maybe when I was 8 years old in school. I don't remember when or how it happened. I just know it did because I get very dizzy on that side of the train. It's still a mystery to me . – he looked at me like I was lying. I don't know why I felt this way, but I just did.

- Well, that's kind of sad. – it is not fucking sad. It's just how it is. Many people have illnesses or disorders and try to live their best life's because sadness just consumes you and nothing more.

- Why? – I hate when people pity me for what I lack compared to them.

- It's just sad that you can sit only on one side. They are so completely different like you and me or you and that man over there. You will miss a lot by sitting on one side all your life. –I don't sit on one side all the time. My seat changes when I go back home. I laughed.

- What's so funny? – I didn't know how to answer this.

- I agree, but people do not pay attention to difference of sides. It's just sides to them. They sit, eat and drink. Well, also occasionally I see a glance at the window, but in these times, phones are more interesting to their minds. – he looked at me like I was an alien. I wasn't.

- I talked about you, not about people – I know, but I am part of these people.

- Maybe you are the only one who can see these differences – at that moment I felt sad like at that time I killed a spider which had its home above my bed. I was scared and after I did it my heart was filled with something I can't forget. What if I will be a spider myself one day?

- Ohh, don't be silly. I know you can see them too. Look. From this side I can see this side of the trees and from this completely different. Just open your eyes. For some people trees are just trees like clouds are just clouds. They know their existence, but no one pays attention to them and differences they have. – I partly agree. In 23 years that I am alive I never talked with anyone about clouds or trees. Well, there was these times in childhood then we tried to see some forms in the clouds. Does this count like talking?

- We don't know that. Maybe people just keep these thoughts for themselves. – he nodded.

- That's why I said some people – we both laughed, and silence unexpectedly came. Strangely, I felt comfortable in that silence. I didn't try to think something to say or push some questions in my mind which I usually do then I encounter this situation. I met only one another person in my life with whom I felt this way. Ohh, I missed this feeling so much. You can both fly, because you both know how to spread your wings. I wonder if he feels the same way.

- I know what you are talking about. I mean differences. It's just they don't seem important in this world. That's probably why only a few people pay attention to them. - he didn't say anything. We sat in the silence for some time and our eyes were directed towards the window.

- Yeah, but what is important in this world? Money? Fame? – well, probably. Almost everyone wants to be remembered by someone or something in this modern world. Almost everyone wants to have money to have a nice place to live, travel and eat fancy food. That's what society wants us to believe is a good life. But is it really?

- I think it depends on a person. In these times, society usually puts many boundaries on people's minds. They can do this but can't do that. It is like competition with some main goals which many people try to reach. For me, society is very similar to religion. – I liked him. He had something which usually is suppressed in many people.

- Yeah, it's so hard to be free. Sometimes I just want to flee somewhere, but now only animals have that privilege. We usually are chained by money, our jobs, family and other crap. – that's not it.

- You mean we are scared that we will not be able to live without these things. – he looked at me with these dazzling eyes. So green and so blue at the same time.

- Exactly and we scared to go and to be alone. – well, it's not a bad thing.

- I think everyone needs a companionship in their life. We can't be alone for long. We need people to share our adventures, emotions and happiness. – he smiled at me.

- Of course, we need that, but you will always meet people on a way. I am talking about being alone. I feel like outside forces wants us to be with someone else. – outside forces?

- No one forces us to do anything. People can think whatever they want. We do what makes us happy. – he started clapping and some people started to look at us.

- I truly respect your opinion, but I think loneliness just scares the crap out of you. – he laughed which made me uncomfortable and sad. I don't like this kind of people – thinking like they know you better than yourself.

- You don't know me. We just met. – I was deciding if I should look for another seat.

- What are you waiting for? – he knows. Well, it's kind of obvious from my face.

- People fear truth. It's okay you can go if you want. I'm just saying what I believe in. – I just can't leave right now.

- If I want to be with someone who I care about and love, but not alone. Is it really that I am scared? I just want to have a family, kids and someone which will love me, and I will love him back. – he was intensely thinking.

- Maybe. What if you will not be able to find such a person? Look at society. So many horrible stories when love becomes hatred and pain. – true, but not accurate.

- I will risk everything to find my soulmate. Who knows? I could die or be destroyed, but I will not give up. I just feel in my heart that I want to share my life with someone. Even Alex* at the end of his life said that happiness is only real when shared. Death makes us understood the important things. – I just realized that we were on the train. Weird.

- I agree, but he didn't find that someone. So, he chooses to go on the road alone. I think if you will not find that person which makes you whole, you will just take leftovers. I mean you will have no choice because as I understand you just don't want to be left alone. It's totally understandable. Many people choose this way, because the right person just doesn't show up. – Ohh… He knows who Alex is.

- I met these so-called leftover people and I loved them for some time. Finally, I just realized that they are not my soulmates. I don't think I will just let myself into one of these relationships for entire life. I have friends and family. They will help me when the storm comes. – I love my family so much. I don't know what I would do without them.

- I guess, you will see. Future is coming, and we can't stop it even if we want to. – mhm…

- Why we should stop it? – I could see some changes in this face. He wasn't so sure of himself all the sudden.

- I don't know. It's just that I am scared of it. I have this wish, that time could just stop, and people would have more time to find the lost pieces of their soul. Sometimes it is so hard to move forward when you are broken. All you want to do is disappear into some place where no one knows you or just sleep under your bed in the darkness. – I could relate to what he was saying. I guess I found more pieces of myself then he did.

- Yeah, but life wouldn't be so interested if we found our pieces right away. I think it is all a journey of finding what you truly are. – as I looked at him from another angle for a moment, I saw this scared little child.

- Maybe for you. People are born broken and later in life someone can fuck them in even smaller pieces. How is this fair? No one gives us more years to live. – I think he is more talking about himself then people in general.

- That's why people need at least one friend which would fight and believe in them. If you are alone and have nobody to stand by your side, you are very vulnerable. – life sometimes really sucks, I agree.

- I don't know. Everything is so complicated. I feel like all we are lost in labyrinth. Trying our best to find a way out. Sadly, some of us gets lost even more... – I honestly don't know what to say.

- I think eventually everything will be fine. – he just needs to hear this.

- It's sounds like total bullshit right now, but we can hope, can't we? – I wish someone could show up at this moment and say to me STOP! Don't go further! Go away. You will regret it.

- Maybe, let's change the topic. What are you doing in this big world? – I felt upset after our philosophical conversation. I was feeling something flying inside me. I don't like it.

- What am I doing? Sitting. Talking with you. Watching outside this funny shaped window. Thinking again. – who?

- You know what I mean. Do you work or study? – "Love is never doing something so wrong that you need to say sorry ".

- Study. – he probably doesn't trust me enough to talk about personal things. One-word answers usually means that.

- What about you? – mhm.

- I'm working. – I'm also starving. I didn't eat anything since breakfast. It just was so strange to eat in front of him. Food looks like so primitive need then we talk about life.

- Mhm – I need to calm down. Just relax and say something.

- I organize events in theatre. I finished university one year ago and started working. I don't think it's really me, but I like what I'm doing. – someone needs to show this guy how to normally talk with people.

- Nice – maybe he just wants to be silent. I usually ask too many questions then I find someone refreshing.

- Does the tree feel then you sprig the leaf? – yeah, it's so green outside.

- I suppose so. It's part of him. – I love trees. They make me see the whole another world and that green color is truly magnificent.

- I think that too, but sometimes I do it anyway. It's just happening naturally. I have no control over it. I sometimes wonder if I want to hurt them to feel better – there was a moment in life then I thought about this too.

- Everyone does it. – okay, again, not everyone.

- Well, maybe everyone wants to hurt someone, and trees just stand there without any possibility to defend themselves. – Well, as he said most of us are broken and to cause pain is the easiest way to feel better about yourself.

- You can always hire people to protect them – it was a sarcastic joke. I hope he understands it.

- People want what they can't get. It wouldn't work. – I imagined this picture where every single tree was guarded by human. It looks very interesting. You just take care of one tree all your life. If the tree naturally dies, you are free.

- You must try it first to be completely sure. – I was at home reading a book when I suddenly realized that death is coming. I mean it's coming one way or another. It was such a strange feeling that I don't even know how to explain it properly. You can die this second, tomorrow or after 22 years. Why we always forget that? Let's do things we never did before. Let's dance in the sky with stars that probably are already dead. We need to put our soul into creating something which flows on its own. That's the secret to becoming new stars of this great universe.

- I hope I will one day. – what if you protecting a tree and someone tries to sprig it? You like shout at that person or start running toward him very fast?

- Would you like to volunteer in one of events I organize? We really need some extra help. – we don't, but I liked him and there is something about him I can't really explain. He helps me forget stuff.

- I don't know – translation - he doesn't want to help.

- Let's exchange numbers. I will write you the details then I know myself. – why I can't smell him? Every person has its unique smell, but he, he just disappears.

- Okay. – we did that and then I took some sandwiches from my bag and started eating them.

- Do you want some? – he nodded.

- Thanks. – I could hear people near us talking about something very unimportant (from my perspective). They talked about food prices in our supermarkets. For some reason it was super annoying to listen.

- What are you thinking about? – future.

- Nothing. My mind is completely blank. I'm just looking. – I was jealous. It is very rare then I don't think about something.

- I am thinking about the future – I made a short pause for him to interrupt me and ask.

- Why the future? Let's live in a moment. Enjoy what we have now. – I smiled.

- How do you want to enjoy it? – will we solve the ultimate meaning of life question?

- Just live. – why we talk like we known each other forever?

- Just sit. – he nodded.

We both looked through the window. I liked travelling on trains. You could see things like houses and people which were doing something outside.

He was sitting in front of me and probably had his own thoughts or maybe still not.

I guess he understands this part of me that society usually wants to destroy. We both are not made of things. We are made of rainbows. Colorful. We want to feel not just exist.

- Tell me what makes you sick? – what does he mean by sick? Ohhh…

- You mean like good sick or bad sick? – I guess he meant good one.

- It's your choice. – he smiled and put his legs on the seat towards us. Getting comfy, aren't we?

- Certain people, nature, books, music, travels, windows, stars, and last, but not least - my imagination. - I love looking at the stars at night. You feel small like ant in this big universe. We have no idea what's out here. It's just unexplainable in mere words.

- How many days you spent in bed then you are sick? – these kinds of conversations remind me of one very good movie. It's about two people that meet on the train. They have this instant connection and start talking about mechanics of life. I can't remember the title, but it's something with sun.

- It depends on the thing. People make me the sickest. It can last months. – it's like you trapped in some bubble with no exit.

- You mean love, don't you? – did I just outed myself?

- Love is the greatest of all people diseases. – "Love is a disease and disease knows no laws„ (Ivan Turgenev).

- I hope you get better soon. Just take your time and grief. – he's dangerous.

- I'm going up and down. It's like being in carousel. Sometimes time just stops. – and memories just come barging and I want to cry so much.

- Does that fake smile help you? – what?!

- I'm managing as best as I can. By the way, it's not really your business. – it feels like I knew him for years and we just met. What's happening?

- Well, we always can talk about discounts on milk in supermarket. As you probably heard – he glimpses to people sitting next to us - this week milk is 40 percent off. – oh yeah, let's make fun of milk.

- OMG. Really? I must buy it. I will run towards the nearest shop the first minute I'm out of this train. – I never understood people who fight for clothes or food then they on sale. Yeah, it's cheaper, but fighting over it? Screaming? I will better wear my old clothes one more year.

He started to look at the ceiling. I didn't want to copy him, but I was interested in what he's seeing over there.

- What do you see up there? – it was darkish blue everywhere.

- Anything I want to see. It is all in there – with one of his fingers he touched my head.

- Okay when what do you want to see? – he looked at me with confusion in his eyes.

- I don't know. I guess I am just waiting for something to pop in my mind. Maybe some idea or picture – I see this painting I saw a long time ago. It's a dark forest and in the middle, you can see this small gap of light which is trying to reach you. It always reminds me that even in the darkest and isolated places you can find something shiny and sparkling. You just need to grab on it.

- You should try to close your eyes. I think it's much easier. – I saw that he did as I suggested. I soon joined him.

- I see an apple pie – we both started to laugh.

- Well, it's something, isn't it? – I would like some pie too.

- Yeah, pie is good. Maybe even with some ice cream. – we ate like half an hour ago but we both already hungry. Thinking burns a lot of calories.

- Do you have a favorite dish or something? – food talk starts now.

- In my head pops spaghetti and cabbage soup. You? – those I like too.

- I don't have it. – to think and talk about food is harder than I thought.

- You are not answering your question. - let's think.

- Maybe fried potatoes. – ohhh my stomach.

- You see that? – a rabbit is running towards the woods.

- He's fast. – I wish I could be in the forest right now with him. Running without any destination in mind.

- I once was in the mountains and there was this animal which came at night and stopped near my tent. I could feel him you know. He probably was very interested in how this thing I was sleeping in got there. For some reason he scared the crap out of me. I could feel everything. Time just stopped. All those seconds became minutes. My heart still beats faster when I remember it. – I can imagine.

- Scary. – for some reason as long as I remember society tries to scare us with this idea that people or animals are not what they look like and can attack you any minute. That's why so many people fear the darkness these days. I mean it's true that shit happens in life, but there are many good stories too.

- Are you afraid of darkness? – I don't know why I asked him this question. I just felt like it.

- I live in darkness. So, NO. – it's not good to live in the dark. Eventually with time, you can become the darkness itself.

- Why then you feared that animal? – it took him maybe five minutes to think about the answer.

- Well, because death and darkness are two completely different things. – for some reason his answer really made sense.

- What about you? – I was still thinking about his answer and probably didn't hear when he asked me this.

- You alive in there? – I looked in his eyes and nodded.

- Sorry, I was thinking. What did you ask? – he put his left hand his smooth beard and started to fondle it.

- I don't remember. Your thinking got me thinking what you are thinking about. – we both laughed.

- Well, I was thinking about death. It is all around us. You and I will eventually disappear and all these moments which are happening know will die too. Everything we touched, kissed, smelled, saw, loved will never see us do these things anymore. – he bit his lips like feeling what I was feeling.

- But everything we touched, kissed, smelled, saw and loved will remember us for what we did to them. We will never really die, because these memories travelling from people to people will make us alive. – he surprises me. Is he just part of my imagination? A person I created to feel better about myself. I want to touch him so much right now.

- On the other hand, who cares? We will be dead anyways. – or maybe not. We don't know what will happen.

- This feeling will go away. It always does. Reality kicks in soon. – I smiled to show that I am okay.

- Stupid reality. It kills everything. – it was funny the way he said those words. He understood.

- I think we are near Vilnius. Train is starting to slow down. – yeah, I could see that too.

- Time goes petty fast with you around – It was one of the nicest words he said about me in all this time.

- I can say the same to you – deep inside I did not really want this to end.

- We only got so far – is he talking to himself?

- Ohh, it's just this song spinning in my head. You know the feeling? – I really do.

- It happens from time to time – like all the time.

- Can you keep a secret? – me?

- I guess. – what's happening?

- I sometimes think and feel like other people are robots. You know that you are alive and exist, but others - just no idea. – why he shared that with me? It annoys and scars me, because thinking about it I feel the same way.

- Yeah, well everyone's different. – in a way.

- More or less. I believe that with everyone you can found something in common. – train stopped, and people were going towards the exit.

- Let's get moving. – we got sucked in the crowd and it was hard to move around.

Then we got out of the train I lost him for the moment. People were rushing to underground tunnel and pushing me to go. Still, I turned my head and saw him watching that beautiful sunset. He was just standing there alone in all that huge crowd. I decided to fight and go back to him. We were standing there and just watching this blue sky with a red star.

- Are you happy? – right now I really am.

- Yes. You? – he looked at me and smiled.

- Mhm. I don't feel like telling – I started laughing.

- It's not fair, you know – when he accidentally touched my hand I was shocked that it wasn't dream. For some unknown reason I want to hold hands with him. I want to feel his warmth and heartbeat. No no no, I can't. We are strangers, we just met. I need to calm down.

- What are you thinking about? – ohh, busted.

- Just how beautiful it is right now. This red sparkling bubble is closer than ever before. – I'm glad that I don't need explain everything to him. He understands that closer is not a normal distance, but something entirely different.

- Yeah. You can feel it inside you. – exactly.

- Who are you? – the question just slipped out of my mouth unprocessed by my brain.

- What do you mean? – yes, he's just a person. No one can read each other's mind.

- Nothing… – he finally decided to sit on a bench near us.

- Come here – why am I following him?

- I am a bit of everything like everyone else. Just different proportions. – well, our proportions are quite similar.

- I see. – we both looked directly at the last beams of sun. It was slowly disappearing.

- The end. – is it really? Maybe just another beginning.

- I love this ending. – I quietly started crying.

- I love it too. Moments like these are what I live for. – my heart felt relieved. I didn't want him to see me like this, but he never did. He was still looking far away, probably expecting some miracle as I did.