THE RETURN

She stood in front of him a vision from the past, familiar yet strange. Her face was no longer gaunt, it was softly sensuous. Her brown skin was transformed into a golden honeyed silkiness and her body was taut and vibrant as if she had spent hours in the gym.

He looked at her and his heart did a hundred back flips, his feet, though absolutely still, seemed to dance a jig and though no sound came from his mouth, yet his soul sang the most joyous song ever. She was back and looking well. Maybe now they had a chance, his heart seemed to chant. Time had played games with him so many times that now he dared not hope, and yet, he hoped.

He stood absolutely still devouring her with his eyes, yet afraid to move, as if he would scare her away. Then she smiled and it was as if her heart and face smiled together. Ravish sighed with relief, finally, Jaya was not going to bolt.

Jaya

As the water carried me away that day I was ready to give up and surrender to total oblivion. While I swirled and twirled in the turbulence, my breath suspended, I prayed for an escape into complete unconsciousness. That was not to be. Of its own volition the water carried me up to the surface and I could breathe again. I made no effort yet my body floated. Time lost all meaning, thoughts had hastily exited and my mind was as blank as a severe vacuum where only the pain of emptiness endured. The intensity of the pain obliterated every other emotion. The pain, the roar of the water, the fierceness of the sun, they were the sum total of my universe, all else had ceased to exist.

I woke up in a quiet dark room. The ocean no longer roared and the sun had ceased searing my skin with its scorching embrace. I listened intently, but my ears no longer buzzed, there was total silence. Lethargy enveloped me in its foggy aura and I drifted in and out of its tenacious tentacles.

Vague sensations and blurred images of being fed, sponged and turned over. I vividly recall the voices, hushed and gentle in the background; the soothing whirr of a fan droning distantly, the disciplined ticking of a clock and the calming sound of flowing water. 

When finally I did regain my senses I realised I was in a village on the edge of a muddy river. There was no one who spoke English but I managed to convey that I needed a phone. Luckily I managed to get through to my parents. They told me that Ravish had called about a month back, worried about my well being and that I should call him and tell him all was well. I chose not to tell my parents about the incident with the huge wave, and I assured myself that I would call Ravish as soon as I felt better, but unfortunately I never did make that call.

I tended to the sick in the community. Learnt a bit of their language and a lot about their medicinal herbs that they collected from the thick forests surrounding the village. We lived in huge wooden house on stilts. There were about 25 families in that house. Apart from the separate living quarters there was also a huge common hall in the middle which was often used for dancing and singing. Many beautifully carved totem poles stood guard over the long house to ward off evil spirits.

I grew stronger every day. Then the rains came and brought with them disease, diarrhoea and jaundice, malaria and brain fever. I struggled to keep them alive with the meagre supply of medicines. Sometimes I won but more often than not the forest and the murky river had the final victory.

Eventually tired of this constant struggle, either it was a fight with disease and the elements or with the greedy government officials who were systematically decimating the forest of the Dayak people and endangering their tribes. I decided to move on. I felt I could not take it anymore. 

I moved around from one area to another. At first in small boats over the murky rivers and then on bigger boats island to island. I managed to get a government grant and bought medicines and came to be popularly known as the Medicine Lady.  It was a journey through dismal areas tending to the sick in poor conditions, but I knew I made a difference so I kept going. Again there were triumphs and defeats, good days and bad days.

One beautiful evening I sat at the beach looking at the myriad hues of a golden sunset and I knew this was not it. This was not what life was about. The realisation dawned that I had just traded settings, set myself up in the beautiful Indonesian islands instead of my multi specialty hospital in Delhi. All that had changed was the setting. The life and struggles remained. The diseases and their aftermath, the battles were still the same. The loneliness still a constant companion.  At that moment it dawned on me, this was definitely not what I wanted out of life. The death, disease, sadness and struggles had to be left behind. Enough of my life had been spent with them. Yet I was confused a battle raged within me, my expertise as a doctor, my humanity and my personal and spiritual needs were in conflict.

I realised that with Pete I could deal with the stress and horrors of the hospital because I had my safe haven to retreat to. The quiet serenity of our lives had been the balance required to offset the chaotic world of the hospital. Our happiness together was the balm to rejuvenate our souls.

Without him life had deteriorated into a mere struggle

Ravish watched her keenly as she told him her tale. She had seen a lot of pain during her journeys and yet in her eyes, he saw reflected an inner strength and understanding. They were no longer haunted and lost. She had ultimately accepted the world as it was. He wondered what heart wrenching decisions she had made before deciding to return, for he knew there must be more than she was letting on.

Jaya had come back to Bali, unsure about her next step but very sure that to escape was merely cowardice and that she had to return to her life. First she needed to make peace with Ravish, for her silence. That was easy. When she returned she realised that he had always known she was alive. There were no recriminations or accusations just a joyous acceptance of her return in the glint of his eyes.

She settled back into her room in Ravish's cottage. Her clothes were still there in the cupboard. Her brushes on the dressing table, he had changed nothing as if waiting for her return.

One morning she asked him to take her out in his boat. The one he had built. They sailed out together onto the blue sea. Far out when no land was in sight they sat and drank beer and ate sandwiches which he had thoughtfully brought along. Basking in the gentle sun, the sea lapping onto the boat and no other sound permeating their world, comprehension dawned on her that life need not always be a struggle. The boat did not need to speed around always; it could just bob up and down to the melody of the sea in serene bliss. It was not always about going someplace. Destinations and goals were not a necessity.

She made a decision. She looked at Ravish and wondered what life held for them. A smile travelled from her lips to her eyes, she didn't need to know. Life could unfold on its own terms at its own pace, unhurried. She didn't need to make any decisions at that moment. This was her time now. Only hers, to live life in whatever manner she wished.

Meanwhile there were many reasons to be happy. A friend to share her free time with, perhaps an occasional boat ride into the sea. A soothing silence while watching a beautiful sunset together. They could keep her going while she carried on with her work here as the Medicine Lady. 

5 years later

Jaya turned around as the gate opened. There they were Ravish and Nikita with their beautiful two year old twins! Her heart sang for she had at last found her balance in Ravish and Nikita's friendship, in the beauty of life in Bali and the abundant joy that the children brought into her life. Her work at the children's hospital was satisfying. Her life was complete finally.

She smiled at Ravish and caught a fleeting glimpse of sadness or was it regret in his eyes. Then it was gone. The welcoming aromas of her mother's cooking drifted on the warm air. Her father's whoops of joy and the throaty gurgles of delight from the twins while they were lifted high in the air, and the banter of old friends took over.

 She recalled Pete's last note to her. Yes she was happy again, but dear Pete you will always be the most important part of my life never just a vague memory! There was deliverance in knowing that she could carry both her loss and joy together.