BLUE LILIES

His eyes bulged out so much that they could have popped out of his sockets and I wouldn't be surprised. But I noticed an odd fear instilled in him, he looked restless as he gazed at me. My expressionless face just stared back bored.

I turned around to walk further on the path, and he immediately caught up to me.

"Umm, Eri, would you like to go with me to see the opera"

"Which one?"

"According to the latest updates, the one that's playing is Blue lilies."

"Boring"

That story is just so insufferable, a young woman sexually harassed by her step father fell for a high noble who gave comfort to her. Everything went well and her marriage was easily fixed as she too was an aristocrat's child. Everything was fine until the night before her marriage she found that she was actually carrying a child. 

She felt helpless and hopeless, so her dire situation forced her to choose the only way in her sight, death. She killed herself and got ridiculed by the society, but her lover received a letter the next day of her death.

She explained herself while encouraging him to live on, but the man got enraged reading the woes of the woman he loved and ultimately destroyed the entire clan of hers. The man never married and lived on as nothing but a corpse. 

..... I... don't like such things.

This should have just stayed as a story.

*sigh*

"Oh but you haven't even seen it"

"That sorry name tells everything" 

"Ehh... what?"

"Go see it, you wouldn't want to see it either. I just tried to save you the trauma" 

"How do you-"

"Blue means sadness and lilies can also be referred to as death" 

"I-I see, oh, so stupid of me, then maybe the beach" 

"I am not in the mood" 

"The world can be a beautiful place, why not give it a chance?"

"There's nothing to see if oneself is ugly on their own" 

"Why do you say that?"

"Some truths are to stay" 

He looked puzzled at me, but I couldn't explain to him anyway.

"I am fine, don't worry" 

"No, there's clearly something wrong. Why do you have that hopeless look in your eyes?"

I love my brother and all, but this is starting to get tiresome. I looked at him for a moment before turning away and walking further ahead. An amused smile formed on my face as I started laughing like a maniac.

"Erendis....?" 

"Hehehe... I had you fooled there for a second didn't I!? It was just a joke, did you really take it seriously?" 

I turned around with a teasing expression and my eyes turned into crescents. He looked surprised and chuckled a little.

"You cheeky little thing. You got me scared"

"Hehe, I wanted to fool you! I am sorry though, and please don't scold the guard, I told him not to come. I just wanted to take in the fresh air and be amongst my dear chrysanthemums without someone tailing after me" 

I gave him puppy dog eyes. He gave a helpless sigh.

"You will give me a heart attack one day! Okay I understand, have fun and don't wander around too much. Come into the house soon or you will catch a cold Eri" 

I smiled and he rubbed my hair, walking towards the training grounds. The minute his back turned to me, the smile wiped off my face. It once again became expressionless. Smiling has become second nature to me even though it was artificially instilled in me rather than being natural.

Happy smile, sad smile, angry smile, funny smile, constipated smile, business smile, maniac smile, disgusted smile etc. Looking back I have done nothing but smile.

I don't remember one moment when I haven't smiled and shown my other emotions heartedly. The word smile has lost its meaning in my dictionary. It's become a veil that hides my other feelings.

I walk further and further into the garden aimlessly admiring the beauty of the flowers. 

Nuria, honey, are you seeing these flowers? 

You have never seen them in real life except in books. I hope it lives up to the description I narrated to you, I am biassed so I might have exaggerated. I wonder why she hasn't visited me yet or maybe I am being too impatient.

My empty mind having nothing else to think about could only think of how boring this expedition was getting.

Don't get me wrong I love my flowers, but not enough to fill in my emptiness. They are beautiful but soon enough I start seeing them in a black and white shade.

They are pretty, so what?

What does it change in my life? 

Absolutely nothing, and one day they will wither away like they were never there before.

Just like I should.

My mind had already reached a dark place that I could no longer return from. A place that I had already been captivated in, before even my own death. But how I navigated myself there, is a mystery that I have yet to solve but no longer have any patience or reason to give care.

Because I know the goal of my current life quite well, it's easier than plucking flower petals. I won't fail this time for sure. I turned around having lost my interest in them, quite pathetic how I say I love them and missed them, yet all it took was one moment, to succumb to the ennui of my heart.

Is my love that petty?

I feel sleepy, let's go have a nap.

I walked back and there were more servants walking around, they would look at me and greet me. I nodded my head each time, and they all looked at me weirdly.

Ahh... I didn't greet them back with a cheerful smile and compliment them. They are already whispering behind my back, I got a little nervous at first but then I realised about my goal. Social anxiety can be a hassle. I don't like greeting strangers but I have to anyways, as that way I would not be judged.

They might be the servants of this house but there are new servants every now and then. And I forget most of the other people, I know only a handful of them that serve me personally.

Am I being cold hearted? 

Who am I kidding? 

That's who I am, I have forgotten just how frigid I am. 

Right?

Do I even know myself at this point?

Haha, what have I come to? 

I no longer even know what my personality is supposed to be like...

I sigh at my own stupidity, for what reason was I questioning things? There's nothing left anymore to contemplate about, everything has withered away with the past. It tired me so much that I had a migraine and the moment I reached the room, I flopped down the bed, soon asleep.

Days pass by peacefully like that, but trouble comes knocking on my door. I was currently sitting on the bed hugging myself with the warm covers. To distract my mind I was reading tons of whatever novels I could find in the library.

*Knock*knock*

"Yes"

The door opens and my mom comes in with a bright face. She gives me a warm hug and kiss, and I smile.

"How are you doing honey?"

"Oh I am good mom"

"Your visit to Granny's is tomorrow, are you okay with it? And it might be the last time you have such leisure time before getting married in two months" 

Ahh... I didn't even realise how old I was this whole time. I might be 19 if I am going to get married to him. And a visit to that old hag's place isn't really what I would like to do. But I know that woman, she would come here herself if I don't go to her.

As for getting married, I had already made up my mind about it. It's an imperial decree and my sister is way too young and I definitely don't want to throw her into politics.

So there's no choice.

My plan is simple, wait for that palace maid and leave when she arrives. Then look for a comfortable place to pay my price. That's all I want this time.

"I will make sure to have a fun time with granny!" 

"Yes sweetie, you're taking your energy tonic right?"

"Yes I am, thank you for the medicine. I am feeling so much better"

"Silly child, what are you thanking your mother for!? It's my job to take care of you"

I know, and it makes me guilty that I am going to ruin all your efforts in the end due to my selfishness.

I am sorry.

I will write a letter in order to comfort you.

But I hope you won't forgive me, hate me all you want as that would be easier to forget about me sooner.

I don't deserve your forgiveness either so it would help me if you hate me. I sigh when she leaves me after chatting for a while.