Monowasure No Hari

(Misaki)

The sun was disappearing behind Mount Fujisan by the time we descended to make our way back home. My mind was full of questions, worries, and otherworldly concerns as we walked. I watched Chi sharply. Every movement he made and even his sweet smile that was so foreign to his stoic features warmed my heart. Though, beneath the smile he gave was uneasiness. The view of those black lines crawling up his arm were engraved in my minds memory. He remained the strong protector and helped me down the mountain trail even when I did not require the assistance. I smiled back at him when he nuzzled my nose with is before grabbing hold of my hand and leading me the rest of the way back to the shops.

It saddened me when once we reached the shopping square his hand left mine. I know that he was only doing this for my wellbeing, but my thoughts kept wandering back to the days, and how tomorrow I would have to make an altering decision in my life. As I had the view of Chi's white robes and messy loose hair swishing along the back of his neck, I fought the sorrow creeping in.

I am sorry Chi-san. We just found one another…and now I must find it within myself to let you go…

I think that my mind may have been made up the moment Amaterasu voiced my two choices. After speaking to Chichi perhaps my mind made the crucial decision for me without my knowledge. I knew that in my soul I wanted to learn more about myself. I was eager to learn about the side of me that I never had the chance to experience. One that I was never aware of to begin with. The power I'd felt when I'd called out to Kusanagi in Yomi left me eager for what more I could do with this so-called power. Being the daughter of Amaterasu was no small feat and never once within my span of years did, I think that I would be here, deciding to become a deity or not. I just knew surely that I could not let Amaterasu erase all memory of everything I'd learned in the past few weeks. I did not want to lose a love I just had the opportunity of knowing. I would hold onto Chi for dear life if needed.

When I saw Ama tomorrow night, I would ask her to take on Chi-san and I both.

(Chi)

She'd come so close to figuring out that the painful lines snaking and winding up my arms were in fact my veins. As we made our way down the mountain, I thanked the stars that steam from the springs clouded her view. But now that she asked, I knew that this would not be the end of things. I also knew that with the sickening drop in my stomach that tomorrow was the day that I would have to say goodbye to her. But, how could I? How could I let the woman who enchanted me so deeply and so fiercely, walk away? Not a breath inside me wanted to carry out the plan but I had no choice. I wanted to curse the gods for their cruelty. I cursed Susanoo inwardly for disrupting a peace Misaki and I never realized we had until the chaos erupted. There had been a certain solace in the fact that even though we were a million stars apart in rank, we were still just two people at the end of the day.

Now we were the children of mighty gods and everything was lying on its head. I was losing the only woman I'd ever had the pleasure of loving. I did not want our days to be summed up into three phases of the moon but there was not other action that could be taken.

Thoughts raced through my mind as quickly as the winter months replaced the summer's heat. I desired so many alternatives to the ultimatum given by the goddess, but none were possible.

Now, I found myself wandering towards the Emperor's private offices. My father was no longer of this world, but once upon a time the king had taken great council from him. I felt that beside my mother, he knew my father best in this lifetime. My shoulder took on a burning sensation before I could approach the door. The pain was an immediate shock and my muscles spasmed. My eyes widened as I bit down on my tongue to keep from yelling out on account of the pulsating pain and roaring fire racing up my arm. Before the pain overtook my entire body, I moved just fast enough down a narrow hallway. I leaned my head back against the reaching walls and tried to focus on leveling my breathing. The waves of pain were coming frequently and my ability to control the swelling unwarranted anger in my body was almost impossible now. The cacophony of voices screamed and wailed in unison. The old swordsmith had been right. They truly never did go away. I gripped my wrist hard, sliding my sleeve up. The veins in my arms were literally pulsing through the skin and my vision grew cloudy.

Join us… they said together.

What took me by terrifying surprise was the fact that I was subconsciously contemplating them. Somewhere deep down in an unknown place, I wanted the carnage; the possibility of bloodshed, and calamity were like the taboo of an ensnaring woman. Sweat collected above my brow and brought forth the image of Misaki waving her fans out and around her while the rain came down in sheets behind her. Her bright smile always dimmed the madness within me, and I craved her presence in mine even now.

The lanterns that line the palace's walls were being lit by an attendant and the sun was completely unknown to the night sky. My eyes fell closed as I tried to calm my rage. My stomach knotted and twisted as I felt the viscous nausea rising.

"Divine goddess, I seek your counsel. My mind is in turmoil and my vision clouded…"

I murmured the words lowly to the dismal open hallways.

A flash of light burst behind my eyelids and when I opened them, I was taken aback when I gazed down at the red planks of the bridge.

Amaterasu turned and grinned warmly at me in her usual place.

"Kon'nichiwa young samurai."

Her voice was of milk and honey as it flowed through my ears, silenced all voices, and all the searing hot pain coursing through me. As I reached the center of the bridge, I noticed that I no longer felt weighted in my steps as I did before. Ama's eyes closed and her eyelids wrinkled in concentration.

"Such rage fills you…I can only qualm the curses affect for a short time. It fights furiously against me."

I sighed and lay my hands down on the perch of the bridge, reveling in the quiet. "Arigatōgozaimashita."

"No need for that. I wish to help you in any way that I can. In these past days I have watched you with Misaki. I am thankful that she has had you. I can hear her dreams at times. She does not want to part with you."

I squared my shoulders. "I do not wish her to leave me either, but no matter the depth of my love for her I will forget her…. I fight against these demons and these souls to stay sane. I know that she is meant for more. I do know that she is the light in my life after the passing of my family and my clan. She has given me wildness and such joy. I can't possibly thank her for that in this lifetime."

She seemed to consider me for a moment before a small smile graced the corners of her mouth. "You are wise Chi Matasunei. Kunai smiles down upon you each day,"

My head whipped in her direction, looking at her in astonishment. "How do you…"

"I am a divine goddess after all. I control the heavens and the clouds. The sun and tasks of day. Your father…is at peace with your mother. He has watched your achievements and the lengths you have gone to to save his old friends daughter."

My throat closed and I was robbed of air. My father. It felt like it had been years since I last saw his face. To hear that he was at peace with my mother was all that I could have asked for. And although I did not particularly favor Amaterasu, she did hold a certain kindness and that I respected.

"Ama?"

"M?"

"I must ask a favor of you."

She turned, intrigued.

"I will not get better. This curse is consuming my body and I am finding it harder and harder to contain the thoughts of c-calamity. I have even seen myself hurting the princess and enjoying it…"

I took a long gulping breath before continuing. "But I will not hurt her. I refuse to put her in a place where she ever has to worry about that again."

"What exactly are you asking, Samurai?"

"When Misaki leaves with you tomorrow night-"

"She has not made a decision yet-"

I cut through her soft tone with a knowing one. "She will go."

She stared at me for seconds before nodding once, unsure.

"I need you to take away any memory she has of me. When I lose myself, and cannot recognize her, I don't want her to see me and be solemn. I want her to focus on growing and achieving everything she wants in this life and beyond. I love her and know that in this, I must let her go. Please Ama, do this last thing for me."

Her exhale was long and despondent. Her eyes held sorrow in them just as Misaki's would if she were here. "Chi-san…are you sure, regarding this decision? Have you thought of what you are asking to be done?"

My sigh was resigned and weak. "I know that I will lose myself…I already am. Throughout the days I feel myself slipping into bitter cold; I will not make the princess do the same. I will not make her suffer with me. Misaki is…more than any of this."

When I laid my eyes upon the goddesses face again her eyes were cast down river to the melting sun.

"Chi Matasunei, you are the offspring of my brother; you are one of us. But the curse…and the demon blood overpowering the human blood from your mortal parents you will have a difficult time. But it is because you are a child of a god that you may be able to control this in time."

I turned abruptly and stared breathlessly at her, silently begging her to continue. "Control?"

She nodded. "It will take much time, but it is possible."

Silence ensued for many painstaking minutes before she said anything. "I will ask again. Do you understand what you are asking of me?"

I pondered hard. It would take much time was what she said, and I worried over how long that frame of time could be. As of now I thought of my cluttered polluted mind. Even I did not believe control to be possible. I had it now, but it was slipping away so quickly.

Misaki's smile came into view and my hands ached to reach out for her. Then I saw it, the mountain, when I saw her falling and bleeding to death. I saw myself smiling, elated. A cold shiver ran down my spine as I wanted to run away from it all. I could not hurt her. I could not even and would not even take the chance.

"I understand. My decision is still the same."

A frown marred the corners of her mouth as she nodded once, straightening her back. "As you wish."

(Misaki)

In the early morning hours, I poked my head out to check on Chi. My intuition told me that something was amiss when he did not show up to escort me to breakfast. Last night he'd walked me back to my room early and accompanied me to and from dinner with father.

I was dressed quickly and slipped my sock covered feet into my sandals.

I departed from my quarters and made a beeline for Chi's rooms. Everyone I passed bowed respectfully and greeted me formally before continuing in whatever directions they were headed. When I approached his door, I rapped lightly on the frame. My eyebrows drew together after several seconds of waiting. My hand sat just above the handle to pull the doors open. Perhaps he wasn't dressed yet? Or, decided to sleep in today?

He never went amiss from his post. It was odd and left me feeling bare without him at my side. A frown dominated my features with no answer, and I took a few steps back, pondering over where he could possibly be. I walked back the way I'd come and down an alternative hallway that led down to the kitchens. Maybe Kai will have seen him. This was our last day together before…

How could he just disappear? Did something happen to him?

Thoughts of how I was taken surfaced and my breathing grew quick and panic driven. I picked up my pace and moved with all possible haste down the spiraling stone steps that led to the kitchens. When I stepped in there were maids and cooks racing around and past one another. The smell of ginger was dominant down here. My eyes fleeted around the room and found Kai at one of the dough tables rolling sweet bread in a pile of pure cane sugar. She wound it around her arm before she tucked one of the ends through and pulled hard. I hurried over to her side and her smile was bright but small. She didn't look up from her task as she stretched the dough.

"Denka."

"Hell Akame. I am looking for Chi. He was absent from his post this morning and still has not showed. I am growing worried.

Have you come across him today?"

She twirled the bread forming a perfect twist and laid it down on the flour covered counter. She made eye contact with me and her pupils dilated as she searched my expression.

"I have not seen him today your highness. Would he be in the stables with Okami? I know he frequents the stables when he is not guarding you."

I smiled warmly before darting from the room, throwing my thanks over my shoulder before becoming completely out of earshot. I ran hard all the way to the tables, servants and guards eyeing me wearily. They were not sure on whether to offer their assistance or to leave me be. But none of them were aware of my heart constricting my windpipe from fear. When I grew near, I heard the agitated whinnies and stomps of the horses. Moving swiftly, I slid the door back and looked inside. My heart sank as I entered because I knew that he was not here. If he had been none of the horses would be stressed in this manner. Still, I jogged to Okami's stall and his eyes were wide, nostrils flared. He brought his head over the wooden door and pushed his warm nose into my fingers. Why were they all so upset?

"I am trying to find him Okami. And when I do, I shall scold him for us both."

I took his snort as agreement and took my leave.

As I walked back, I racked my brain for where he could possibly be all day. At breakfast this morning with father he had not bought up that Chi would not be accompanying me today. I found myself wandering back in the direction of his rooms. My back touched the wall and I slid to the floor laying my head back against it and closed my eyes.

(Chi)

Returning from the meeting with Amaterasu was harder than I perceived it to be. When I returned to my body the voices and everpresent insanity and fury assaulted me so quickly that my body was pushed back hard against the wall and I tasted blood as I bit down hard on the inside of my cheek to stop the roar that wanted to tip free of my diaphragm. Remarkably, no one had passed by me shrugged against the wall. I pushed my sleeved up and watched in disgust as the black veins grew and shrunk beneath my skin.

I've got to get back to my room before someone discovers me.

I slid shakily to my feet still relying on the wall for support. My left foot stepped forward and as it did my vision clouded with smoke and when it cleared, I was back in my rooms. I stumbled, knocking over the kettle of warm water residing on the square low sitting table.

What the hell just happened?

This same thing had happened when Misaki and I were escaping the layers of Yomi. We'd suddenly ended up outside. Was this apart of the curse, or a side effect of the demon blood? Or was this simply apart of my unwanted power?

I sank to the floor, pain roaring through out my body. Salty perspiration fell into my eyes as I lay wreathing.

Many hours passed and withing those hours I tried to focus my mind, but I gripped my temples as my heart quickened with the flash of blood behind my eyes. The goods the cook had dropped off lay half eaten beside my bedding. I'd taken a bite of everything and my anger flared at the taste. It took an immeasurable amount of restraint to not shatter the dishes. My back caved as I yelled back at the demons and souls occupying my minds space.

Leave me alone! Leave me alone! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!

But no matter how long I yelled, they persisted. They were angry that they had been silenced by Ama and took a toll on my body tenfold for it.

When I roused, I heard Misaki's voice at my door, and for a moment my heart skipped a beat in joy at hearing her.

Oh yes, invite her in to play with us Sssamurai!

"Chi, are you here?"

I wanted to answer her, call out to her for her to hold me in her embrace, but I was dangerous. I was beginning to not know myself or my actions. It scared me beyond words.

"Kitsune…" I mumbled so low that my own ears barely heard. I watched her silhouette slowly retreated from my door. My heart sank. This was our last day…the last day we would ever have together…

Somehow, I would need to get to her before it was too late. Her Kimono fanning out around her body and arms, fans hiding majority of her beautiful face as she danced shined so brightly in my mind. The sound of the rain from that early morning filled my eardrums and as she twirled her eloquent smile faded back to nothing.

What time is it? Am I already too late? I must get up.

I tried to rise using the palms of my hands, but instead splitting pain soared through my hand and I yelled out in ecstatic pain. The jolt of joy that shot through my mind like an arrow did not go unnoticed to me. But as I sat back on my knees and examined the thin pin lodged into my hand, I smiled with the sight and smell of blood. I was unable to move fast enough as my door slid abruptly back.

(Misaki)

Thick bile collected in my mouth as I stared down at him. Hair disheveled, sweat decorating his forehead and blood pooling in his hand with a pin lodged through the skin. His eyes floated distantly up to me. They looked empty, devoid of his usual spark. Fear engulfed me briefly as I didn't recognize the face before me. Internally, I was screaming at myself to back away from him, but my heart turned my feet to lead as I breathed hard in front of him.

"Chi…" I questioned uneasily.

He shook his head and let out a demented cackle, clapping his hands together. Slowly I got down on my knees and crawled over to him. My hands shook so violently as the tips of my fingers gripped the wooden floor.

I knew it. I scolded myself.

"Princess…"

His body swayed uneasily as his eyes rolled back. "You shouldn't be here…" his breath grew hallow and his body slumped over in my lap. Tears welled in my eyes and I bit back sobs as I ran my fingers through his soft hair.

"My Tao. How long have you kept this from me?"

As I sat beneath him, I thought on how he never quite mentioned Yomi. He didn't speak about the curse or what he had had to do to get me back. And like a naïve girl, I never asked. The black lines I'd seen at the springs, things were much graver than this stubborn man let on. I clicked my teeth at his sleeping form. What exactly had happened in his journey to me.

'The curse will turn you into someone you do not recognize.'

The words Susanoo and Tsukuyomi uttered that day were lost to me in the moment but now I could hear them clearly in my mind. Was this a part of the curse?

The sun moved halfway across the dimming sky before he stirred awake. I was dozing off, my neck growing stiff from my position when his fingers brushed my cheek. I blinked hard and when my sleep filtered vision cleared, I saw that he looked breathtakingly normal, no sweat, no tremors or distant lost gazes. The color had returned to his lips and his eyes were kind and awake.

"You're awake!"

He moved slowly as he lifted himself from my lap to face me. He kept his eyes cast low.

"How long have I been..."

"Tao..." I placed my hand on his chest, taking mental note on his heart pumping strongly beneath my palm. "You've kept too much from me," I said sternly.

"Denka, Watashi-"

"I want the truth Chi-San, now."