67

I glance around at the grey décor, the new furnishings, the complete lack of memories of before. The couch has changed, even the curtains and wall art. It's a similar layout, and the couch area is still in the hollow space past his desk, but it doesn't feel like walking back into two years ago to face the same bitch in here. I was subconsciously afraid of reenacting the first time I saw her in here. A mirror to the past where she walks in on us cozily chatting on the couch.

"Drink?" Jyeon guides me to the seats with a hand on the small of my back, and I shake my head before picking the closest chair and sinking into it. Placing my bag on the center coffee table and avoiding his eyes as they sweep over me. He walks off to bring a water jug and glasses and lays them down in the center before coming to sit opposite me, giving me space because I guess he realizes I might need it.

"So...?" I break the silence. Awkward about this now we're here, and pull the nearest cushion to my lap to pick at it. This fidgeting habit I picked up these past couple of years is annoying, to say the least. I dodge him, no longer confident about doing this at all. That's if I ever was.

"It lasted a month. A chance meeting. My ego was brushed by someone chasing me.... God, I can't believe I'm telling you this … I'm ashamed." Jyeon fidgets too, his hands hanging between his legs because he's sat forward to perch his forearms on his thighs, and the tension between us gets thicker. "I told myself I didn't love you. I wanted some happiness in my life. I let myself be pulled away by the possibility of something else. It was barely beginning when you disappeared."

"You hated me that much?" My voice breaks, choking me as I say it, and my heart contracts painfully. My hands are getting cold because this is making me uptight.

"I thought I did, yeah. I pushed any thoughts of remorse aside and told myself it was because I was doing something shameful. Going against my morals and nothing to do with you. Guilt, doubts…regret…I made excuses to myself to ignore all of it and yet only got angrier at you for having that kind of hold over my emotions." He runs one hand through his black hair, messing his styled fringe, so it flops over his forehead a little, and I glance away again. Unable to look at him when he's saying these things. It's hard enough to remember it all, let alone have him admit the details.

"So, I found out….. when? Midway? The end?" I pick at my natural long nails and go back to staring at my lap, resting my hands on the cushion before me. Pulse racing and breathing getting shallower as my stress levels elevate.

"You seemed to suspect real fast. Maybe two weeks after it started, maybe before. You confronted me around four weeks in, with pictures and showing up at Claire's apartment." Jyeon rubs his face this time, making a noise like he's blowing out air, and rotates his shoulders. All his tells that he's finding this extremely stressful, yet I'm bleeding inside.

Why couldn't we have sat like this back then and done this before it all went to shit? This honesty and frankness. Laying it all out in the open with no blame and no excuses. We so needed to have this conversation before I let go of all of this to live somewhere else.

"I remember…." I murmur it softly. I do not intend to admit that here and now, but I don't want him to keep explaining the things I already have ingrained in my soul and making this worse for me. It's too deep a wound to probe. His version is only conjuring up painful visions in my mind's eye.

"What? You ... what do you remember?" Jyeon pauses, his voice cracking slightly, his face draining of color, and his skin even pales on his hands. Seemingly shocked and nervous about how my knowledge will change how I see him.

"I remember her apartment and seeing you there. I remember crying and ... I don't know. I told you. Fragments and feelings and ... stuff." My courage dies, shaking my head, tone strained and low, and it's easier to act confused, shrugging it off and pretending it's another fleeting glimpse. Saying it out loud will make me cry, and I don't want to in front of them when she shows up. He can't know that this is still as raw as back then and kills me because my heart never forgot him.

"I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry... I mean it. For then, for that, for everything. For having an affair and hurting you. For betraying you, our history together, and breaking our vows. For asking for a divorce and being a cold bastard when you were clearly in pain. For the entire way I handled everything." His voice rasps, genuine upset evident, and he sniffs as his eyes glaze over and he hangs his head in shame. Unable to look me in the eye.

"If I could go back to then, knowing what I do now, I would take it all back and work on us. Sohla, I know you don't believe me, and you don't trust me….. but I lost you. No trace, no idea if you were alive. You were just gone. That changed everything for me... This huge empty black hole left where you used to be that sucked everything out of me and brought it home how much I relied on your presence in my life. How much I needed you. How much I was lying to myself about my feelings for you." He doesn't look at me, staring at his fingers while I watch his broken expression, and somehow it makes me feel better. Holding off my misery. Seeing his visual pain that mirrors mine.

"I want to believe you, I really do. You have no idea. This is all confusing for me and painful. There are so many questions that are making me crazy. The accident….. I don't know how to feel about any of you, and I never asked to come back here." My tears finally break, and one rolls warmly down my cheek so that I swipe it away with the back of my hand and sniff to curb anymore. Jyeon looks up, sees my upset, and reaches for the tissue box on the table to push towards me. "She said it's guilt…. that you believed I did this because of you, and once you get used to me being around again, you'll realize it's never been love, and you'll move on. All you need is closure."

"That's bullshit!" Jyeon snaps, jerking his chin up to look me in the eye, and it's a frowning flash of anger at my words. "I know how I feel. I know how hellish these two years have been and my inability to believe you were dead. How many nights, for weeks, months, I didn't sleep and was tormented by everything I said to you that last night. Memories of us. Hating myself…..longing for you. I just wanted you to walk back in that door, even if you loathed me. I wanted you home with me. I needed so badly to hear your voice, see your face….. smell your perfume. Nothing could take away the way it hurt or the insane emptiness without you."

The heaviness between us brings a sudden silence, and we both stare at the tissue box on the coffee table as a point of focus. Me with tears washing down my face, silently creeping across my skin, and I have no control over them. Him holding back his own and trying to keep himself pulled together in front of me. He was never a crier.

There's a chap at the door, a rapid knock, knock, and I tense up. Aware of who this invader is and cast him a glance of apprehension. Jyeon frowns as though regretting his decision to ask her to come here and then straightens up and seems to look taller and calmer instantly. I guess because we're finally talking this out, it's not something we ever did in our past when it came to feelings.

"Come in," Jyeon commands loudly and wipes his eyes with his hand, smoothing his hair back. Clearing his throat, sniffing away evidence of how much he's suffering through this and exhales slowly to pull himself back together. I don't even try to do the same as I'm exhausted and not willing to fight her on this right now. I'm done battling this bitch, and I'm weary with how much of a rollercoaster my life has become since he walked into the Tarry Shack.

The past is in reverse. I hear the footsteps clip-clopping across the marble floor as she approaches, and without looking up can feel her eyes burning into the top of my head. She must be glaring my way, wondering why I'm so cozily sat here alone with him, and I smirk at how weirdly backwards this is.

I reach forward and deliberately pull the glass beside the water jug towards me and pause as Jyeon jumps up. He leans over, takes the pitcher himself, and pours it for me before sliding the glass fully my way. Attentive to my needs and making a show of caring for me.

I catch sight of her naked legs, under a short navy pencil skirt, move to the couch beside him and start to sit. My inner stomach tightened, and my fists clenched at seeing them side by side this way. It brings back so many awful memories.

"Over there," Jyeon commands her, and I flinch enough that I glance up and see her crestfallen and openly surprised expression locked onto his face. Jyeon ignores her and sits back in his seat, gesturing with his hand for her to go to the single armchair at the end of the two couches we are using. Seemingly dismissing her so she can't be beside him or face on with me. She hesitates, makes a subtle snort noise, glares my way, and then marches off and thrashes herself down in the seat. Very obviously pissed at his order.

"Why am I here? Why is she here? What's this all about? We have an event downstairs to oversee and attend!" I can feel her gaze on me, and the venom in her voice is thick. Snooty and entitled, thinking she has more right in this office than I do, I sit back and cradle my glass without looking her way. The old me would know her place and act seamlessly, like a Queen, putting her to rights, but this version is so in over her head. I catch Jyeon focused on me, back in his original position, and notice a slight softening in his eyes as if trying to tell me to relax.