Reacix

Part 5: Worldbuilding: Fallen. What are they? Maybe demons. Kids think parents might be soldiers. Are they? They live in a cottage in a forest, and it’s winter. They also live in a village. There’s an abandoned castle. So are we in the medieval period or modern day? Are there cops too? There’s a fallen, and she is a dark elf. Seems too trusting to be innocent. Dark elves and Fallen are treated less than animals, allowing for their rape where humans feel nothing. Humans are evil, while fallen are the victims. The castle belongs to vampires that are extinct. The castle has been abandoned for 500 years. There a blood diamonds that needs blood: humans likely, but maybe others; to access the passage underneath the throne. Vampires were supposed to be turned to ash but one is not. There’s storage rings. Soul weapon exists and the red gem is one. They seem to be treasure hunters. Soul weapons are lifelong weapons that people are born with. One can extract and use them. So now this novel is a martial arts type. The world is named Tayar, and those who cultivate are almighty. Basic knock-off cultivation, absorbing heaven and earth’s energy through the soul without the religious and/or cultural context. Afterthought: Since the four characters at the beginning die within 4 chapters; why did you at all introduce them? Why didn’t you just have the protagonist (Dessicated corpse) wake up and see them death with Enyo? That’d been better. Overall, you’re character work is bad. All characters at the beginning had similar traits and were boring. You also don’t seem to understand woman, nor men. Your writing ability is lacking with you choosing to use exposition and info dumps when it’s not needed or it’s the wrong time. All you’re characters seem to be perverted or are some kind of horrible fucked up piece of shit. Worldbuilding is lacking, and there’s not much that catches my eye. I can see that you’ve read Xianxia novels, or Xianxia knock-offs which are well known for bad woman characters, repetitive plots, and boring stories. This website makes it so easy for you to make shit novels like these and earn, but it’s nowhere near good enough if you ever want to make novels outside of this site. You’re cover design falls into the trap of other cover designs, and your work promotes disgusting aspects of humanity. Racism, Mysogny, etc. I’ll likely never read your works again as these type of fiction are what corrupts the human mind. Anime, novels, manga, any media with stuff like this narrows the reader’s mind even if you don’t think it does; it does.

Part 4: Chapter 4: We start with some lovely info dumps. They absorb energy of heaven and earth into the soul. Through this they can lift mountains, eternal youth, and supernatural powers. Eight Realms (phew, the fewer the better. Or maybe there is a secret realm that no one knows. Hopefully not.) The realms are as followed: Mortal, Beast, Overlord, Venerable, Sovereign, Quasi-God, True God, Primordial. Those who do, are extraordinarily. All these people are less than Peak Mortal Realm with Annalise being of no realm. She’s a happy-go mage after all. Enyo appeared in the middle of them. They took a back-to-back formation. Eyes looking all directions. She hid her presence. None of them noticed. Enyo kills Michael. Hooray! Michael eyes widen; I mean his eye widen. So they must be supernatural. Eyes don’t widen. Your brows and facial muscles around your eyes do though. Enyo disappears. More info dumps. Yay! Enyo achieved resource giving her a third grade cultivation realm. And now Enyo has perverted urges. She gets turned on by fear. Boring exposition occurs. Umm… A-Author are sure this is a fight scene? Fight scenes and exposition don’t click into place well. She smiles at their hopelessness. Alex is fearless and charges his spear. Alex might be missing a head. Kind of went flying. Now he is a headless fountain. Annalise doesn’t react and stares at Garm. They reach out their hands, wanting to die together hand in hand, but they fail as Enyo appears between them and slices their hands. Enyo grabs Annalise and asks to play a game. She stabs her fingers into Annalise’s eyes, and kills her. Garm attacks. And he gets a hand to the heart. Things happen, and she Enyo turns to her desiccated corpse. She crouches near desiccated Corpse and telepathically calls over blood that she spilled. She has him drink it. Desiccated corpse comes to life. He jumps up and growls. Desiccated corpse, though can’t kill the intangible Enyo, teleports to the corpses of the four humans in a cloud of red smoke. We get more exposition. Vampires have super speed, strength, and regeneration, can turn to smoke. Authorial Intent and Unknown Bias: Gives off that the husband is helpless and need his wife to keep things in check. The fact that none of them cared for the dark elf solely because she was a Fallen means tells that they racist, and do not care whether a child is raped. They do not deserve to raise children. All four of the characters are racist. Will they overcome it. It doesn’t seem likely. The comment that Garm gives is, “they just hot-blooded lads.” This a disgusting excuse some alpha males and/or men use to defend their actions. It’s just our nature. We can’t help it. Shows the author may think the same way. And if so, you’re disgusting. And furthermore, shortly after this; Annalise blushes at the thought of Garm raping her. So you think or feel that a woman would blush when asked to be raped? No woman, nor even a man would ever want to be raped. The Fallen seem to be innocent, while the humans are evil. As Annalise is the only female character so far; her being turned on by dominance is disgusting. Gives me the feel the author thinks the same.

Part 3: Plot: Chapter 1: starts with barely anything. One finishes packing; the other plays with kids. They leave after putting them to bed. They chuckled and left their cottage, locking it. They expertly traveled through the snowy night, and stopped at a clearing inside of a forests. They meet a blond haired man with a spear and a black haired man with a sword. It’s says the village knew Garm was a gentle giant. They have a job to search an abandoned castle by a Mr. Monroe. So they hear rustling, and freeze. Then aim their weapons at the bush. And a dark elf comes out. She’s shaking and scared. She was nearly eaten by a bear. Michael and Alex rape her, and Garm and Annalise talk. Chapter 2: There’s a time skip to their destination, and Michael and Alex had raped the poor dark elf for the entire journey. They arrive at the destination: a vampire castle with all vampires extinct. Garm brutally kills the poor elf girl, and they call it a waste. Garm shows his dominance and Annalise shows she’s horny. They come with a plan for Annalise to use wind magic up there, but oh no, Garm has a fear of heights, and he doesn’t want them to know. Annalise whispers in his ear that she would lift them up first and they’d follow. They got to the roof. They find an armory, and Michael pulls out a glowstone to illuminate the area. It looks ransacked. They searched even though they thought nothing was left. They needed money after all. Each floor takes 20 minutes. They needed to find something of cultural significance. They found silk, trinkets, and minerals. None of which Mr. Monroe desired. They gather all, becoming greedy at the idea of the treasure. Then they find a gold throne with blood diamonds on top. Alex tries to cut it with a dagger we didn’t know existed on his hip, thinking how rich he’d be. He fails and then attempts swinging his dagger at in frustration, cutting himself. Seeing that they couldn’t get it; they decided to leave with their treasures. Michael is in the lead. Garm and Annalise follows, leaving Alex behind. Alex uses the golden throne to try to stand with his bloodied hand. Then there’s an onomatopoeia: Rumble. They stopped; a red light glowing behind them. The throne slides backward and a dark staircase is revealed. They soon enter with Garm taking the lead. They don’t analyze why this happened past barebone questions. They find themselves staring at seven coffins and one large double door. Chapter 3: The walls around Annalise start to siphon her mana. She’s getting drained fast. They decide to open the large double door. They circle energy into their body in front of the door. Garm fails, going first with a punch. Alex tries to use his bloodied hand to get in, and it does nothing. Annalise opens the coffins and all but one are empty. The corpse inside was desiccated. It wore a bio armor in the form of burgundy kimono. A red gem was in the center of the chest (a little above the solar plexus, my guess), and wore two ancient rings. One is storage ring. There’s a ring one of them never saw before. Annalise is more into try soul weapon: the red gem. They decide to take it for their own. And then one they reach a white light flashes from the ring, and a beautiful woman appears. She yawns and asks for the prince. Slowly realizes that they’re four humans before her, and is arrogant. She thinks humans being there is impossible then transforms into some kind of monster thing. She’s an Overlord. Eyes become black. Jaw and mouth warp to a monstrous form. Nails sharpen. She sinks into the bunker’s shadow. Only her echoing words are heard. Chapter ends with her swearing to kill them, and for some reason saying her name: Enyo.

I decided to go deeper in depth: 4 chapters (part 1) The Fallen Vampire 10 Chapter Review Characters: Garm: He’s described a burly, and is incapable of reeling in his kids. Seems to have mind reading powers. Plays with kids instead of packing with his wife. Incompetent with kids. Needs his wife for that. Knows what his kids know. Definitely a mind reader. Depends on luck. Seems to take joy in his wife putting the kids away, and comments it happens a lot. Seems to be a pet of the wife. Love his wife. Seems to be an expert at walking through wintery nights. Makes excuses. Is able to read the mind of the dark elf girl that she is was attacked by a red bear. He doesn’t care that a child is going to be raped by a friend. This shows he has no care for children. Racist. Fails to protect a child from being raped. He also hints that he may be a pedophile as well, and excuses it by saying Annalise is the only one he’d rape. So he’s willing to rape his wife? So he doesn’t love Annalise? Guess he is a silver tongued devil. Kills children with no remorse or hesitation. Felt that the elf girl’s death a waste. Has a dominant side. Has fear of heights, and wants to hide it. Reckless. Cares about Annalise to some extent. Greedy. He’s hopeful though that’s a given when his wife is about to die. Annalise: Capable of reeling in her kids. Competent in that aspect. She also seems to be able to read minds. Flirts with husband. Secretly rules the house. Kind of sarcastic. Love her husband. Seems to be an expert at walking through wintery nights. Defends someone she never meets. Seems too trusting. She doesn’t care that a child is going to be raped by a friend. This shows she has no care for children. It’s not that the dark elf is a child that she is disgusted about; it’s that the girl is a fallen. She’s Racist as seen here: "You two are disgusting. How can you even think about touching a disgusting fallen." Fails to protect a child from being raped. Blushes at the thought of getting raped by Garm. Remarks Garm “silver tongued devil.” Though she disdains rape; she does nothing to stop it. Makes her no different than them. She’s submissive. Loves Garm’s dominance. Seems to be turned on by him being dominant. Betrays the expert term used as she doesn’t care why a trap door under the throne open up. Reckless. Greedy. Guess she has blond hair. Noah and… Unknown: eager to die, curious. One described as young. Noah encourages their parents. Shows he’s proud of them. Billy Mason: is friendly with their children enough to come over and chat with Noah. Michael: has long black hair and a sword in hand. He’s impatient. Seems to be able to excuse reasons based off greed. This shows he’s reckless. No nonsense type of person. Michael sees 15 years old as attractive: he is a pedophile. Racist. Rapes a child. Endless sexual desire for children. He are displeased by Garm’s action. The only time he shows something for the elf girl is because he loses his sex toy. Reckless. Alex: blond hair and a spear on his back. Likes to complain. Capable to discern an abandoned castle may be “picked clean.” He’s among the few characters that cannot read minds. Though Also a pedophile. Racist. Rapes a child. Endless sexual desire for children. The only time he shows something for the elf girl is because he loses his sex toy. Calls the girl “it.” He are displeased by Garm’s action. Alex will take anything if it gives him money. Seems to be an appraiser too. So he owns slaves. Makes sense. And owns brothels. Reckless. Greedy. Mr. Monroe: the guys who told them of the mission. He’s a historian. Elf Girl: Grey skin with long silver hair. Shaken, so scared. Weak, maybe. Has purple eyes. 15 years old. Was nearly eaten by a bear. Injured. raped against her will. Treated like an object. She’s broken. She gets some relief after her death. Desiccated Corpse (Indra): wears a Begundy style kimono, a red gem in the middle of chest, and ancient rings. He comes to life, and has red irises and black sclera. Feisty too. Has long silver hair. He’s 6 ft, 6. (Why do I need to know this) Enyo: described as having big breasts, brown skin, and a purple dress. Also, beautiful, though I don’t know why. She seems the sleepy type. Loyal, arrogant, and thinks humans are lesser. Also, doesn’t seem to be observant. Raven black hair. Also, falls into anger easily. She’s a maid. Possesses a perverted side, which she resists. Her cultivation rises by absorbing fear. Writing: basic, barebones. Adds inwardly to a thought. Occasionally, doesn’t show who’s speaking. A repeated unneeded repeat of Garm’s appearance. I have no idea what they look like besides basic description of two characters: one is burly and another is young. Once more needs to add two things that can give off detail: cold and wintery. If it is winter; it’s going to be cold. It’s shown Garm is a gentle giant, but needs to specifically say it. Injects some names of characters jarringly: “The Black-haired man, whose name is Michael, spoke.” Once again; it mentions Garms figure. We don’t need to know this. The next paragraph repeats that Garm is muscular once more. It doesn’t show the struggle of getting to the roof. “Alex’s eyes suddenly moving” or any eyes moving is weird and jarring. Do Alex suddenly saw something move or. Or something flashed before Alex. I’d simply suggest you to stick to Garm. Don’t give him mind reading powers. And stop jumping from pov to pov. That’s called head-hopping and that’s bad. Jarring too. How do they know one of the blood diamonds can equate to five generations of currency. Is Alex an appraiser? Also, I have no idea what the castle looks like beside the hole in the armory. Are they when they find the throne in a hall? Where does that dagger come from?

This is disgusting. First chapter proves this is disgusting, and sheds on something that makes me feel this author is a pedophile, racist, and a mysogynist. Dark Elves have been known to be a racist archetype. And that this one was young, and then you have men choose to rape her: how dare you call this a novel? The woman, based off the cover, character profiles images, and the first chapter prove you have the inability to write female characters. Or characters in general. The Father is a gentle giant, needing his wife to calm his kids. He’s also an expert at walking through snow. Also, he got turned on by the dark elf. His wife is good at calming her kids. Also, an expert at walking through snow. The other two pedophiles introduced are described with two boring characteristics: hair and weapon. Also, handsome. I dropped it the moment they said: “I’ll never understand men.” Annalise muttered. “They’re just hot-blooded young lads.” Garm reasoned. “Let them have their fun.” Whether they participated or not; they let this happen. Whether the dark elf is a fallen; they let it happen. As for the other aspects: First 400 or so words (guessing); there was not one thing that caught me. Nothing hooked me into reading your novel. Your descriptive skills need improvement as you tend to either not say a thing—you place the reader in a white room, basically meaning I have no idea what’s the setting, or you focus on details that don’t really matter. Not saying they can’t, but… one being handsome: what makes him handsome? A sword and long black hair: what makes that interesting? A spear and blond hair: boring. World background is covered by this.

It was my main influence at the time

Read the note at the top. This chapter had been stubbed due to the fact that I re-edited the first chapter. I had plans to re-edit and continue serializing, but I’ve since moved away from that into self-pub on kindle. And not to mention, 100 words can be a chapter. 1 word can even be a chapter. There’s no limit to words per chapter. There’s a generalization where most do on Webnovel 1-2K, and Royal Road 2-3K, while traditional and self-pub does 6K on average, but it’s not a guarantee.

If you like to see updates; I’ll be posting them on this chapter as I go.

I suppose I did, but one shouldn’t go into anything thinking it is going to be original. One aspect may be, or it may not as you can’t read or see every single form of media in existence. What is true though is that you can take an unoriginal idea and make it unique.

As of now, this novel will be put on an indefinite hiatus. I’ve recently went through something which effected me mentally, but the Reborn As The World Traveling Female Assassin, A Forced Contract With An Evil Goddess, and Divine Thief System will continue as they were. I’m sorry to say this.