wait what?? this dude wrote Gothams dead end bar?

why does each chapter end In such an unsatisfactory way. At least resolve the attack on the carage before ending it. seriously, a single conversation. The only thing it amounted to is harry and Daphne going to the ball, and it was done horribly. it should of had it's own couple of chapters (seriously only needs one but you refuse to write chapters with actual content). even if you had to reduce the chapters to like 3 a week or something, at least each chapter would be meaningful.

I highly doubt she could from what we've seen of her🤷‍♂️

I don't think that's how it works. While size is definitely a factor, melys was larger than sunfyre and was by far the fastest of all the dragons.

Perhaps, but a monologue given to the audience isn't done In real time. it's a narrator telling the audience about past events. if it's done in present time, well that's a lil thing called 4th wall breaking.

an enemy he himself has done nothing against. Lily was never on Harry's side, he hasn't lost her because he never had her in the first place. it's too contrived

one of the worst chapters you've written. it was so artificial... just forced. it's like refusing to eat dinner and having your parents go "for daring to reject my cooking, of which may or may not of been poisoned , you will go without food for the rest of your life. " like yeah sure, he's lost a couple of werewolves (despite never using, nor needing them in the first place) and his relationship (feels wrong to call it this) with lily is gone (he never had one in the first place, they were using each other, simple as). The whole interaction just feels so contrived, it's impossible to enjoy it. you've taken away lily before she's done anything important. she was just a background character you tried so hard to bring into the forefront, but failed hard at making her interesting or impactful. This whole arc, up from when Harry met lily, what has she actually done that changed the story in an impactful way? The seals still would of been broken, harry still would of fought with Dumbledore, he would still have his own sideplans etc. Lily has done nothing. she's a failed character that needs to actually have an impact before we can begin to care that she's gone.

4 or 5 thousand? wdym 4 and 5 thousand

yeah, completely understandable. It's just that void has yet to set himself apart from the other nightstalkers. it's been a while, so maybe he has and I've just forgotten. hopefully being knowledgeable in all the hive voodoo fills that.

rage? his emotions are off.

hopefully void starts sharing some of his expertise here. feels weird to see him act ignorant when he could easily explain away any questions he might have.

it feels pretty forced. We haven't really seen them drift apart at all, they're just doing their own thing. you're making the narrative bumpy when it shouldn't be.

1st person definitely isn't the play here.sounds ridiculous.

whoop whoop!

The prose needs a lot of work, the characters feel bland and are so heavily nerfed that each character feels no stronger than a genin - including the hokage. The story is also slow. Nothing's really happening. you could skip out 5 chapters at a time and you wouldn't of missed much tbh.

don't use hereditary titles (as non existent as it is in the Naruto verse) as a point towards a person being respected. A civilization could of had that title. it doesn't make her strong because she has it.

know your place**

yes

In canon tobirama killed them all himself because succumbing to his wounds. There were much more in the anime, and a lot of them claimed to be S-rank.