Commenting and writing are my hobbies. Also part of the grammar police, so beware ! :3
Don’t need to apologize; just glad to help
‘same, yet it* felt heavier’ ( or ) ‘same yet felt heavier’ Animals, humans, trees- all of them would be* eventually devoured to feed a new seed. Hence the reason, lifting a dead body would feel heavier because it simply yearns ( or ‘yearned’ ) for home... [ second sentence would be a fragment to me ] Moreover if the numbers were close to thirty, coupled with the heavy metal armor they wore*, moving the steel-armored bodies would be* near impossible... etc...
My confusion has cleared up, but why Author !!!
She accepted him ?! In what universe and timeline am I reading this in ?!
A fairytale of fairies— and modern day humans ! Overall, the start is following the ever curious and naughty mc, Tammana, who tends to drag her friend Meera into all sorts of troubles. But sometimes, things don’t go the way we want it to be... While the concept may be prevalent in many books, I think with more polish; this could really shine. Here are some of my advice: 1. Writing quality ( 3 stars ): I found quite a lot of repeated grammar errors ranging from fragments, run-on sentences, capitalization, and misspellings. Additionally, I began to find some confusion between the two girls Tammana and Meera, which included switching their names to not clarifying ‘she’ or ‘her’. Another point I would like to make is to refrain from repeating certain words like ‘just’ or being redundant. My solution would probably to use Grammarly or another grammar correcting app while using the dictionary to search for synonyms instead of repeating. 2. Story Development ( 4 stars ): As the concept of fairy tales are used a lot, I rarely find such ideas novel or extremely exciting unless there is a hook factor, which should usually be in the first few chapters. Something I found as probably the ‘curse’ the fairies have forgotten. I think this could have been more elaborated in another way to give a deeper impression on the reader. On a side note, there might be readers who dislike the ‘info dump’ in the first chapter ( aka: the second part of the passage regarding the kingdoms or fairies ) My solution would be to more discreet and try to meld it into the passage with dialogues/ other ways instead of giving it all. But this is only an opinion, and I don’t necessarily think you have to change it bc I pointed this out. 3. World Background ( 4 stars ): I was surprised to see the humans were living in a modern world, which is a welcome change compared to other similar fairy stories. However, paired with the first chapter’s info, I feel it again needs to be ingrained more smoothly into the chapters. Although, despite all this, I hope you never get discouraged and, instead, find joy in learning more about the writing community and writing itself. If you ever do however, know that your fans and I will be cheering for you ! So keep it up, Author !
lord’s house!” she exclaimed with widened eyes. ( ‘unable...’ phrase is redundant in my opinion )
shouted* instantly knelt* to pick* up the bundle.
Any second later* and her hands
When Meera gave her a questioning look, Tammana merely smirked and placed the bundle into Meera’s hands, making Meera forget her anxiety for a moment. Meera curiously opened the bundle and then threw it when she saw what* was in it.
Tammana loosened her hold on shaking Meera before wiping her head. Tammana* kept her hand on* her knees and panted.
Comma after ‘go out’ smirk and* continued
Always comma before ‘which’ Comma after ‘asked’
Comma after ‘explained’ & ‘Relax’ & ‘corner’ Tammana replied as she dragged her friend, whose feet was rooted to the ground, along.
“Relax, you are too tensed,” Tammana said, glaring at her friend. ( ‘second name of worry’ can be rephrased into Tammana’s inner monologue )
“What are we doing here? This place is not safe,” Meera asked again while treading carefully.
Comma after ‘you’ Semicolon after ‘come’ ‘she’ as Tammana ‘her’ as Meera
Everyone knows that keeping the enchantment used up a lot of mana, which creates instability for the caster’s mana. Hence, the lord often became* unstable, so Tammana was needed.
other’s mana.* Comma after ‘over it’