You wish you knew me now

After all the huffing and puffing, I finally held the most precious girl in my arms. My daughter Alina Mercedes.

Her soft heartbeat and her breathing brought me joy; every mothers joy. The satisfaction of knowing our little ones are healthy and breathing.

I gazed down at her flawless skin. Just like mine glowing with weariness, but she seemed to be more content than I was. Eyes shut and soft hands gently squeezing onto my pinkie finger. My eyes watered at the sight.

Alina still lay sleeping in my arms with the occasional noise. The little squeak she made every time made my heart flutter with happiness.

Even as a baby she was aware of

her surroundings. She hated to wake up to the blinding light of the hospital. She learnt to keep her eyes shut when the light was on since it irritated her eyes.

Her eyes were never revealed much in daylight or any other time of day, which made me sigh with relief. Because looking back into them green eyes brought back the haunting memory of the past.

But right now that all didn't matter to me, just the beautiful girl resting in my arms mattered.

My stomach churned with disgust and my heart clenched with fear from the memory. Clenching my eyes shut I refused to cry. I wasn't going to let them ruin my life anymore or hers.

Staring down at her peaceful face I lay a gentle kiss on her forehead.Her golden brown curly hair were disheveled from the sleep, which I unconsciously smoothed out lightly.

She reminded me so much of my father, her features were very exotic and sharp.

She inherited a lot of my fathers physical traits which brought back his memory's, the smile couldn't be kept off my face as I remembered him. Being his child I hadn't inherited the nice golden tan skin,or the curly hair. Instead I got my mothers fair skin, and straight brown hair.

Thinking back to my father and his gentle nature just made me think about how amazing of a dad he had been; so full of love and joy. He had been only person who gave me the guidance I needed and the love that every child needed.

But when the day struck of his death everything he taught me died with him. Every memory I had with him was lost for good. Or was it me blocking him out?

The teachings about staying true to myself had died shortly after his death. The teaching of standing up for yourself that had also gradually been taken away from me and last of all following your dream; the speech of Martin Luther king was lost gone with my soul.

Who was I?

A single mother, jobless and without a family.

Maybe everyone was right I was nothing just a waste of space.

I shook my head erasing the long speeches everyone gave me about my downfall. I clenched my fist out of anger. But I recoiled back from my fury.

My heart began to ache and I felt stupid that I couldn't control my emotions.

A gentle nudge brought me back to reality. In my arms my little girl began to stir, her eyelids began flickering open. She opened them finally looking into my eyes. Her piercing green eyes were staring into mine. Just like Adam's they held power but hers looked up at me with love. As though she depended on me. I finally realised that I wasn't worthless.

I am something now; I'm a proud mother holding the most precious gift life has ever given me since my father's death.

I have done it all alone with no one helping me. I have survived without any help. I'm a strong, independent women that's what I am.

Yes Adam I'm not worthless anymore, I'm worth more than you will ever be.

My heavy heart found it hard to believe what I was thinking. I wanted to believe I was strong but deep down I knew I was weak. But I had to become strong not for me, but for her.

Hello sweetie my voice was soft and laced with emotions dwelling from the past. Looking at her made my eyes burn with unshed tears.

When words were heard her tiny hand took a hold of my pinkie in a tight grip. Her strength made me giggle. She seemed to be stronger than me.

But today was my last day getting comfort, warmth and real food since I had been kicked out from my old pack. I have to do something quick before anything could turn ugly. I had to find a job and better place to live. Not in the neighbourhood I have currently been living in. It was no place to raise a child.

I leaned in kissing the side of her cheeks cuddling her closer to me. I need to start a fresh life, I need to forget my past and think about my future. I looked back down to see Alina looking up at me. She didn't hold much emotions since she was only 3 days old. But what I did see was hope.

Hope for a better life.