Chapter 23: Xenia

Xenia p.o.v.

Even in the dim moonlight, he looked unreal, too rare and too magical to gaze at for longer than a few seconds without pain, pain that I could only watch him like this, and could never ever touch him again. Father Nicholas was sitting just beside me in the pew, his blazing blue eyes staring up at the moon as soft silver light glinting over his bare chest; he always wore a shirt after practising but today of all day he didn't, when I wanted to focus on his emotions, not on those defined abdominal muscles of his.

Sighing, I tried to just look at his face, not at his broad shoulder," You, jealous?", I asked and his face tilted, darkened blue eyes met mine, " I don't like him.", He said, and he said it not as a priest or a father but as a man, a furious jealous man who had tasted me last night at the tip of his fingers, " And not just jealous, I hate him,"

Hate...jealousy, anger wasn't he above all these negative emotions? Weren't priests supposed to not hate people? And if Father was feeling this way, means all this time he was trying to fight these emotions when I thought he was disgusted by me! God...how wrong I was. But it didn't matter anymore, did it? All I wanted was my father back, I didn't want to lose him just because of what had happened last night.

I thought about this the whole night and realised, for me, it was clear that whatever happened between us was more than lust, it was pure, it was love, but I think the way Father ran away suddenly, perhaps after realising what he was doing, means that all was simply a moment of weakness for him. And I never wanted him to dishonour himself or broke his vows just because of some pathetic lust. He will regret it and will never forgive himself and the way I found him just minutes ago, I never wanted him to be that way again. I will take his suggestion and will try to become cruel but I could never be this cruel to make a priest cry at god's shrine, never.

" Father, you shouldn't be...", I said, gently touching the back of his hand, it was just to comfort him and perhaps he understood it too and didn't remove my hand, I peered up at his face, "You know, you are the only one I have."

And it was the truth, after my brother died, even my own Lords seemed hesitant to bow before me, just because I'm a woman. My father is sick and my mother is powerless, all power is under Lady Katerina and Lady Annie and I am kind of hostess in my own country, a property of another king. In this all, there is only one person I could trust blindly, Father Nicholas. And here he was jealous over some fucking king I hate, didn't he know how much I loath my betroth...wait, he didn't, I never told him that I hate king Aldrich. Ugh, perhaps I should tell him now.

Before I could say anything, Father sighed, his eyes looking deep into my soul as he gently removed a strand of my hair, his fingers slowly tickled my skin, " You will marry in barely some months, and you will have king Aldrich.", He rasped, " Your husband.", Father added with a gritted teeth, " And I could never take his place, I could never marry you. I have a vow to uphold, to honour God by honouring his children...not to act like a pig "

A pig! That's what he thought about himself, that's what he thought about last night, a pig...then what was I to him, a shit?

I blinked up the tears, and luckily my eyelashes didn't betray me and no tear glided down my cheeks. Of course, in his eyes whatever we did last night was some disgusting filth, not an act of love.

Father hadn't said anything and neither did I, we just sat there, our hands playing with each other fingers. The silence between us seemed so odd, we never sat quietly for this long, either we used to talk about our parish or bickering about some old historical conflict between countries, it was so fun to watch whenever father realised he was the one who forget the history, not me. I wanted those times back, I didn't want this awkwardness and shame between us.

How strange this was, that I wanted him as a father figure in my life but at the same time I wanted his fingers between my legs too, more than fingers if I say honestly. Fuck, thinking about last night made my heart all wild again.

My eyes stared down at our hand as I noticed my chain wrapped around his wrist, the cross dangling freely between our hands. I could feel the heat rushing through my cheeks as I recalled how he yanked it from my neck right before he sucked my skin. I gulped, unwrapping my chain from his hand, it felt so weird without this locket around my neck.

Just when I was about to take that away, Father clenched it tightly, confused, I peered up at him, " You're not getting it back, Xenia.", Father husked, staring into my eyes as his lips slightly tugged upwards in a devilish smirk.

" And why is that?", I raised my brow as he looked down and wrapped it around his wrist before his eyes again met mine, gleaming blue eyes mischievously looking back at me, "Because I can do this, and it's your punishment for not taking care of it properly" He flashed me a grin and we stayed like this for a second, staring at each other before Father cleared his throat and abruptly looked away.

There was a side of Father Nicholas, a naughty playful side of his, he suppressed so deep within him with all that maturity, kindness, and strictness around him, bound with all those rules, duties and vows but last night and just a second ago, a saw a crack in it and peeked inside...that other part of him, a man he was before celibacy, a man he was before his vows, and I wanted to saw that side of him more often, I wanted that side to come out. No one exactly knows why the richest Duke and one of the greatest warrior of that time suddenly took Celibacy. But now, I really wanted to know, I am curious.

Suddenly, a harsh shrieking Sound came from behind making us look back in panic.

It was just two bats, fighting with each other, they fly above us for a second before fleeing away from the broken window. I took a deep breath of relief and Father sighed too, I couldn't even imagine what would have happened if someone saw us like that, sitting in the darkness, holding hands, me; without my hood and father; without his cassock. Some people here will use this opportunity to disgrace Father Nicholas.

Judging the way father ran a hand on his hair and rested his elbow on his thighs, his eyes stared at the floor for a second before he again looked up, " I think, I should distance myself from you for some time.", I already knew this was coming...

I leaned forward, summoning the strength to say what needed to be said, " I can understand, and it's fine.", I replied with a painful smile.

It's for the best if Father moved back to our tower and I start living with sister Marina, I already asked her this morning and she was so excited about that. Father and I could still meet at morning prayers, bible studies and masses, he will be a priest and I will be his queen, the way it was supposed to be. Perhaps then this awkwardness will go away and father could talk to me like before, without getting ashamed or disgusted by his actions.

Father smiled and my heart skipped a beat as his hand softly stroked my head, his fingers gently glided over my head to my long wavy curls when he lovingly patted me like he was used to do before; just this time I felt shivers all over my body, " I am glad you understand, Xenia", he whispered, " I will be gone for some days, don't do anything reckless.", Father ordered as he stood up, his eyes locked with mine in a warning, "And Micheletto will live in the tower but don't let him spoil you."

Going...I thought he was talking about living in the rectory, " Where are you going?", I asked strolling behind him.

Father turned around when I clenched his hand from behind, his eyes staring down at me with devotion, " I needed retribution for my guilt, princess if I stay here...", he stated and sighed, "That can't happen again...and it was more than a sin for me, you were confused and lonely, I should have guided you, instead I... ", his voice choked as he rubbed his forehead looking down at the floor, " Forgive me for taking advantage of you...that was wrong, I shouldn't...I shouldn't have done that."

" Advantage?", I pressed my brows together, " What are you talking about.", I snarled, where the hell this all is coming from, " You hadn't done something, I didn't like and if I wanted you to stop then I would have said that."

I shook his hand, making his eyes look at me, " Listen to me, ", I exclaimed, taking out the dagger from my sleeves and shoving it right at his heart, "I would have carved your heart out with this dagger if you had done anything without my consent."

" Consent or not...that was wrong,", Father mumbled taking a step back and then, I noticed the huge bulge in his pants. So, that's why he was in hurry, Father got aroused...inside the church, fuck.

I looked up at him and he averted his gaze, obviously noticing my parted lips and lustful eyes. My hand slowly glided over his hard chest, feeling his body tighten under my touch as our eyes met, " You can't walk away from this.", I said, " Running away is not an option, we will think something, I will stop touching you if you want to or anything else, we could fight this temptation together", I whispered, looking into those darkened blue eyes glinting over the moonlight.

Father touched my hand and gently removed it from his body. I felt his warm breath on my face as he took a step closer, staring directly into my eyes, " I should go before I bend you over the altar. and fuck your arse in front of my god,", he said dangerously, "Believe me, you will not want me after that."

No words came out of my mouth, and I could just blink at him with a dry throat and parted lips. What did he just say? Sister Marina didn't tell me about taking arse...but wasn't that hole supposed to use for...Fuck, Xenia focus, Focus on his emotions, not on these dirty things, you could ask about this to sister Marina later.

" Father, ", I stopped him again when he was just near the door, "whatever you say... but It didn't feel wrong.", I said, strolling towards him, his back facing me. I didn't want him to think he had taken advantage of me, because he didn't. And that's why I wrapped my arms around his torso, resting my head over his smooth back; I could talk to him without doing this, but I had a sudden urge to hug him so...I felt Father sigh as I stroked my cheek at his cold unclad back," I liked when you kissed my skin...", I muttered, " Your touch was the purest thing I had ever felt."

" Don't say that out loud.", Father whispered lowly, I could feel his slow rigid breath under my body, " I know.", I replied, " I will not...no one will ever find out about us or if you broke your vows..."

Suggesting a priest to break his vows inside a church, great Xenia what the hell are you doing? Didn't I decide that I will not provoke him again, then why the fuck I'm doing this? Could I be more foolish? But again, there was no doubt I am going to hell, so why not take enough share of sins, why not do all these sinful things my heart desired?

Father grasped my hand and removed it from his body, he turn around, his eyes looking at my face...but he looked serious?

His cold hand cupped my cheek as I peered up at him," It's not me or my vows I am worried about.", Father said softly, " Do you have any idea what will happen if anyone doubted your virtue..."

My virtue, so that's what he realized before he suddenly talked about going away. " I don't care..."

" Then you should,", Father interrupted me, " You should care.", he scolded, " Or do you want to be ended up like my grandmother?"

" Read about her if you didn't.", Father murmured before he left and I didn't stop him further. Why? Because I had nothing to say after that...Because I did read about her.

The Duchess of Normandy, the most beautiful woman of her time, skin was dark brown with jet black hair and deep brown eyes, her husband had also tan skin and green eyes but then, their son was born; with pale white skin and gleaming blue eyes, too identical with English king...And there was no doubt, he was the king's bastard as she used to live with king in the castle when her husband was out fighting at the war.

The document said Duchess was executed for adultery after a series of tortures which no one ever talked about...king also died after some months, some said he hanged himself, and some said he got sick. The point was, even a king couldn't save her from federation...however their child was saved and became Duke of Normandy; that child was Father Nicholas's father.

Look, I knew that all, the tragic end of sinful love, but still...I'd done that, perhaps walking on the same path. But honestly, I didn't want to end up like her...Sighing, I started walking towards the tower, if Father wanted to go away, then who am I to stop, he wasn't my real father anyway, even my real father hadn't cared about me, then how could I expect anything from anyone else? And this all was my fault in the first place if only I could stop my whoresome behaviour...

As I entered the tower, I noticed bright light glinting from the stable, so I strolled inside it, noticing father all dressed up in his black cassock and was preparing his horse, poison.

Father Nicholas was leaving now...couldn't he wait for morning!

He stopped and looked at me when I stood in front of him, I tried not to ask but couldn't help myself, " At least tell me when will you return?", I asked and he sighed, orange light flickering over his face, making his eyes glow in a deep shade of grey, I tilted my head towards his palm when he softly cupped my cheek, " I don't know.", Father murmured as our eyes locked together as one before he stepped back and removed his hand.

I wanted to kiss him, but I couldn't so instead I grasped his hand and bring it up to my face, my lips touched the cold silver cross as I softly kissed it, I was kissing my locket, so it shouldn't bother him, should it?

My eyes opened and father was already staring at me, I smiled, " I will be waiting, right here Father.", I whispered softly and left his hand, dangled to his side. Father Nicholas hadn't said anything, just stared at my face with his gleaming blue eyes, and for a second I thought, he was going to stop, he was going to stay...and it wasn't just lust from his side but then, he turned around, mounted on Poison's back and left, without any word and without looking back.

So, it was god then. He choose god.

I stared at his back, still hoping he might return or change his mind but then those big golden gates opened, and he was gone. All there was left was fog, darkness and an abandoned tower I was standing at. My eyes looked between the empty street to the empty tower...the silence was splitting me in half as if it was shredding my heart into pieces. I stopped my tears again even when there was no one here to look at me. There was just me, alone.

But then, I heard a neigh from behind and a wet tongue glided over my cheek, tilting my head I saw deadly...and at that moment, I didn't know what came over me but I hugged her tightly, kneading my cheek at her soft white fur, wetting her warm skin with my tears.

Horses are definitely better than humans, they never ran away, at least not without taking you with them.