Who Needs Magical Talent? I have SCIENCE!

'...Fuck'

This may have been his first time, but it didn't take a genius to figure out the sensation slowly wrapping around Jason was the cold embrace of death.

'Well even then, if anyone fit the bill for "Genius" I guess that'd be me' He thought to himself.

'Still, fucking seriously?! I'm finally about to lose my virginity, and this asshole has the audacity to kill me?!'

Jason may have been a 22 year old virgin, but when when his first girlfriend invited him over at 9:30 pm to "Chill" even he wasn't dense enough to not know what that meant.

He was excited beyond belief!

At least until he got shot twice in the back…

'THAT COCK-BLOCKING PIECE OF SHIT' Jason seethed 'I WASN'T THE ONE WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO BE GETTING BACKSHOTS TONIGHT' he complained

'I HOPE HE GETS ASS CANCER, wait no, I just cured that... WELL THEN I HOPE HE GETS AIDS, YEAH, I HOPE HE GETS TURBO AIDS'

Lying on the ground bleeding out, all Jason could do was glare at his assailant. He was imagining a large variety of gruesome deaths befalling him.

Don't get him wrong, Jason had a forgiving heart at his core. Well, about half was left at his core, the other half of his heart was currently sprawled across the sidewalk...

Either way, certain lines shouldn't be crossed. Like using your son for financial gain.

'Or fucking murdering me'

Thoughts of vengeance filled his head until everything faded to black.

.

.

.

Almost immediately thereafter, Jason found himself sitting in a chair. He had his body, but it seemed to be semi-transparent.

When he tried to move it, he found he could not.

All around him, he was surrounded by stars, galaxies, and other astral bodies. It really was a beautiful sight.

"So, this is what dying is huh?" He said to no one in particular

"It sure is! Welcome to dead Mr Jason! :D" A disembodied voice replied back

If he could have moved, Jason would have jumped out of his chair

"Oh jeez, no need to worry, I'm not going to hurt you :/" The voice said as a featureless humanoid being made entirely of golden light approached him.

Upon seeing him, Jason couldn't help but ask "Are... Are you god?"

The being pondered for a moment "Uh, kinda? I guess it depends upon what you mean by god, I did create your universe though :3"

Jason started to get a headache. Not only did that answer only leave him with many more questions, he also had no idea how the hell this "God" was speaking in emoticons.

Speaking of hell, as a staunch atheist, Jason was not exactly optimistic as to what the existence of this being meant for him.

"So uh, what happens now?" He finally decided to ask, dreading the answer

"WELL, normally I'd send you to the afterlife, but I have a soft spot for murder victims. You were only 22 after all q.q" God said, placing his hand on Jason's shoulder.

'You even died a virgin, poor guy' they thought to themself

God may have been expressionless, but Jason could've sworn he'd just seen a look of pity. Even though there was no real indication of their thoughts, Jason couldn't help but feel annoyed.

"Besides! You ended up doing me a solid by curing cancer! I've been trying to fix that bug in the life programming for FOREVER. I can't believe I never thought of neutralizing it with a counter program! *0*"

God gave him a thumbs up and continued.

"Anyways, all that considered, I've decided that I'm not going to let you stay dead. AND as an added bonus, I'm going to grant you 1 wish! ^.^"

Jason felt incredibly happy and exclaimed "You mean I can actually go see my girlfriend?!"

God laughed and corrected him "Sorry sweetie, you may have noticed I don't really do the "Divine Intervention" thing. Gets people too... needy. Your body is gone, and bringing it back would create way too much of a commotion down on earth :/"

A dejected look came over Jason's face.

"Hey! Don't look so glum! Yeah you may have been TOTALLY murdered, and yeah now your girlfriend is at home touching herself angrily thinking you stood her up, but HEY, that's life amirite? :D"

Jason wanted to punch him, he wanted to punch him so bad. He couldn't even flip him off. All he could do was stare daggers in this "God's" direction. So that's what he did.

Noticing this, god decided to stop teasing him.

"But remember what I said! I'm going to let you keep living, you're just going to have to start over from square one ;)"

"Square one? You mean..." Jason didn't like where this was going...

"That's right reincarnation! And between you and me, the world I'm sending you too is pretty cool if I do say so myself :*" God stood up straight and put his hands on his hips, clearly proud of himself.

"Besides, I also promised you one wish. So, what's it going to b-"

"I wish for my murderer to have taste-buds in their asshole" Jason said before god could finish

God had an incredulous look on his expressionless face. Even without any features, that wish clearly caught him off guard.

The room was dead silent for a moment before God bust out laughing!

"Are you for real?! That's rich kid! Here you could have wished for nigh omnipotence, riches, immortality, but instead you wish for that?! XD" god was rolling on the floor at this point

Realizing the mistake, Jason panicked. Hoping to do damage control, he quickly stammered

"Wait wait, I take it back! I'll go with nigh omnipotence, I'll even settle for immortality!"

He couldn't believe he had let this opportunity be wasted by a temporary fit of rage!

The recent sensation of murder coupled with the lingering sense in his back and chest had clouded his otherwise logical mind just long enough to spit that out.

Now he could only hope it wasn't too late!

"Sorry kiddo, no takesies backsies. Your wish is already granted! Have fun in your new life! :DDDDD"

Jason tried to complain, but before he could, everything faded to black again...

Back on Earth, the guttural screams of a man in absolute misery could be heard for miles.