CHAPTER 20

I was sent pictures of the child. And I cried even more. Zach has already seen it and when he showed it to me and I started crying hard, the pain doubled when I saw my baby girl's appearance. She has grown legs and feet. Her skin wasn't polished yet so she came out being red.

Seeing her little body on a small towel when he came out broke me apart. It shouldn't have had ended this way.

She got cremated shortly after. I woke up late and because of the hospital's policies, the baby has to be cremated right away and they did. I get to see the baby's urn once in the hospital before it got delivered to our house.

We came home without talking about it once. When we came home, we were so tired and we went straight to the bed even though it was still noon.

I stayed in the hospital for 3 days. I even missed my parent's cremation ceremony because I wasn't discharged just yet. I was crying in the hospital while looking at the screen. Tita Leah face-timed me and that was the only way to witness the ceremony.

Any day now, I would be visiting the house again. To look at my parent's urns. Not today, it's still hard for me.

We both don't know how to start talking about it. I am no longer pregnant and for me, this will make a huge difference in our relationship because the only thing that ties us up was gone. Our reason was gone. And I don't want to talk about the baby's passing just yet. It hurts finding it out at first and I can imagine myself crying again while talking to him about it.

Knowing about how he feels even though it was already visible to the eye but it'd feel different when he's saying it.

I woke up with Zach brushing my hair with his fingers. When I opened my eyes, his face greeted me. He was laying next to me. He's half-naked. He's laying his chest on the bed. His other arm is where he's resting his head and the other one is crawling through my hair.

"Hey," he said softly. I didn't answer and just stare at him as he stares at me too.

I cannot talk. I don't know what to say. And this situation is suddenly giving me the urge to cry.

It's dark inside the room but I can still see him and his movements. The darkness in our room might as well represent our sorrow.

I don't know what he was thinking while staring at me and brushing his fingers on my hair but I let him. We are both sad but we refused to talk about it. Maybe someday.

I closed my eyes to go back to sleep and refuse to face the everyday sadness of what happened. But then I felt him kiss me. I knew this wasn't the first. We've done more than this before. But through our marriage, I realized that we'd never kissed before. The kiss was light and he moved away quickly.

I couldn't even look at him. I knew my cheeks are red because they were burning. I didn't expect him to give me such effect that I had to bury my face on the blanket to hide my face.

A few minutes later, we went out of bed to get some breakfast. This will be the first meal we were having with just the both of us. It is said to think that he won't be asking me about cravings anymore because I already lost the baby.

He made the meal while I wait silently at the counter where he carried me because I didn't want to leave the bed the last thing we ate was lunch at the hospital and it was already nighttime.

We were dead silent. It feels like we don't have anything to talk about anymore. He won't ask me questions about how I was doing and how my pregnancy was doing anymore.

He turned on the stove and dried his hand using a towel. He then went to me. He parted my legs and hugged me while I was sitting on top of the counter.

I like it when he hugs me because it feels so peaceful. It's all I could ever ask for when I am down. And I thank him for always giving it to me when I need it. "You'll burn the food," I told him.

"Just a little more,' he told me as if he was the one asking for it. But it could be possible that he hugs me because he needs it too. He was also hurt.

I imagined how much he could've wanted the child. He wanted to keep the child so much that he even married me for it. Imagining how much the child's passing must have affected him is hurting me.

We are moving on slowly. it's been days but our sorrow didn't change even a bit. I know we can't stay like this forever and continue crying because we wouldn't get satisfied if we don't try to stop.

I hugged him tighter and promised myself that this would be the last night he was ever going to see me crying hard. He cares for me so much and I care for him too.

Tomorrow, I will make sure to make things as normal as possible. We will start a new life and continue living as a couple. I won't forget that we lost a baby but I will try to keep it out of my mind instead. I will be building a new relationship with Zach as if we just got married again but with memories of our angel this time.

Because I don't want to continue our life with regrets and sorrow. We have to move on and make things as natural and normal as possible. and by the time we get to make things better, we will be talking about it for the first time.

We will discuss each other's feelings and what we thought about what happened. I want to know what he wants to say to me and I also wanted to tell him a lot of things.

But we can save that for later. We still need to make things better.

I cried a lot that night and promised myself not to cry after.

I couldn't help but be amazed at his patience with me. He stayed up all night and joined me while I was crying for unspoken reasons and the fact that he really didn't let go of me last night made me think that he understands and knows my feelings.

The next day, I washed in the morning at looked at myself in the mirror. I'll make things better today. I won't cry and stay gloomy today because I promised myself last night. Zach wasn't in the room when I woke up and I am sure he went to his office for work that he missed for a few days because of taking care of me in the hospital.

I went into his office and he glanced up at me when he saw the door opening. I walked toward his couch and didn't know what to do next.

What next? Why the hell did I even come in here in the first place? "Are you hungry?' he asked me. "Let me finish this up first," he said. I ended up waiting for him to finish what he was doing and joined him in the kitchen. I want to talk to him about something but I don't know what.

I just looked at him as he cook us a meal and started to think about things.

We started off without having feelings for each other. We married for the sake of the baby. But now that the baby is gone and we are both back to nothing, what's the point of staying together?

Do I love him now?

I asked myself. But I couldn't answer it but I know I didn't want to lose him. He's a person that I want to keep forever and I want to stay with him. Do I really love him? But do I love him might not be the right question for the problem?

Do I want to stay with him? Do I want us to stay married?

The answer is 'yes'.

My feelings aren't the problem but I am not quite sure about his.

Even after losing our baby, he still takes care of me. He cooks my meals, checks up on me every time and hangs out with me from time to time, and has never made me feel lonely.

Will that mean that we feel the same thing? That we want the same thing like staying with each other and continuing our relationship as a married couple now that our main reason was gone?

I suddenly started to think that what if those caring gestures he gave to me at that time were only because he cares so much for the baby? And now that the baby is gone he's just taking care of me out of pity. out of the thought of continuing what he had started because he was too afraid to reject me.

And I started thinking about the reasons why he was still taking care of me though his baby was gone.

He was left with all the burden of taking care of me just because he married me for the child and the child was now gone.

The thought made me shiver. Am I being a burden?

It hurts me to think that I'd just let him break up with me if he'd want to because I don't want that to happen but if he wants to, I can't do anything about it.

I got over my baby's passing today and ended up overthinking about something else again. I have noticed that my mind can't be emptied. It will always be filled with negative thoughts and lots of overthinking.

I wanted to ask him so bad. Ask him if he'd still want to continue living with me for the rest of my life or should we just stop this as early as possible and continue living on different paths while moving on and keeping the past just memories?

I looked at him as he was doing his things in the kitchen. The more I stare at his every move, the more my overthinking gets worst.

And what if he just asks me one day to file a divorce because he thought he had made the wrong decision?

What if our future gets worst because we decided to be together.

All I had with him was that little crush from when I was still a teenager. I am an adult now and I married him for the sake of the child but I lost it. And now, I don't want him to leave me but I don't know what he was thinking.

But could I really live my whole life with him?

What is at the end of the day, we both realize that we never really loved each other?

And one day, he realizes that he wants someone else and realizes that I was just a burden and he didn't want me anymore.

What if he gets done taking care of me?

Marriage is scary because we never really label our feelings towards each other.

We kissed, we snuggle and cuddle every time, and we ask each other questions, I care for him, and for me, he does too but will this really fit the marriage level criteria? We have never even had sex.

What if one day we realize, we were wrong about each other?

And that if we continue being married for years only to realize that we should've had ended it when we had the chance?

What if we'd regret staying like this forever?

"Hey," he called me suddenly and it made all my thoughts, worries and what-ifs go away. "I was asking when you want to go to your parent's house?"

"Uhm," I said and cleared my throat, "I can do it tomorrow," I told him.

"I'll drive you then,"

He's a great person.

As far as I know. And what I meant by that is that I don't know him as much yet. We didn't date and we never really get the chance to get to know each other and talk about each other's past.

What if I still don't know something about him?

What am I going to do?

What if I was wrong about him?

His face, the face that reminded me of everything that happened recently. the pain and sorrow. He comforted me with his embrace making me thankful for his presence.

It reminded me of what Ali told me. He knows something that I have to know.

What if I was wrong with Zach? What if I was thinking wrong about his kindness towards me? I want to know. If only I could take a peek at the future. I wish I could.