Fatherly Guilt

Lucas opened his eyes. He rubbed his face with the palms of his hands and looked around. The baby was no longer in his arms. Janice was sitting down at her desk.

(Janice: "Finally. You're awake. You slept for an entire day.")

(Lucas: "I did?")

(Janice: "You think I'd lie.")

(Lucas: "Don't put words in my mouth. Where did Stella and the kid go?")

(Janice: "I brought them to their room.")

Janice stood up and walked over to Lucas.

(Janice: "Come on, I need a sample of your blood.")

They went to the same room Janice had brought Stella. Lucas sat down in the same chair, and the procedure repeated.

(Lucas: "Why didn't you wake me up.")

(Janice: "I could tell you needed the rest. I'm not just a scientist, I'm a doctor as well. I knew the moment I saw you that you didn't sleep often.")

Janice stuck the needle into his arm and put on the capsule. The blood began flowing into it. He could see it filling the capsule. Then something occurred to Lucas. The blood wouldn't remain in the capsule. Lucas had bled before, and every time he did the blood would flake and return to him. It wasn't immediate. Blood was actually one of the things that could take a couple minutes to flake. It's liquidated form must've made it harder for it to flake than a solid object like an arm or a finger, which would return to him very quickly. Just a matter of seconds. He hoped that she wouldn't see that it was flaking.

The capsule filled to the top and she removed it and placed it on the counter. The needle was removed and a bandaid was applied. Lucas stood up and tidied himself up a bit.

(Janice: "Would you like to stay in the same room as Stella.")

(Lucas: "I'd prefer my own bed.")

(Janice: "The housing isn't like a cheap hotel, though there are some like that. There should be two beds in the room she's in. I also made sure there was a crib for the baby.")

(Lucas: "Sure, fine.")

They left the room and Janice began walking down the hallways, turning corners seemingly at random. This place was a labyrinth to Lucas. There were no signs marking where certain things were. You'd just have to memorize the layout, and Janice has had many years alone down here to do that.

They came to a door. It was different from all the other doors they'd seen thus far. It was wooden. Brown polished wood with intricate carvings all over it. The carvings made a picture. They looked like little houses in a neighborhood. It had an antique brass dummy door knob with a spiral design on the end of it.

Janice opened it and it led to a long corridor. This hall had many of the same doors. They had numbers labeling them from one to however many doors there were in here. They had about fifty feet in between each door.

(Janice: "Since there is no one else here, you guys get some of the better rooms.")

(Lucas: "Wait, wait. Where do you sleep?")

(Janice: "The lab, why?")

(Lucas: "Never mind.")

Janice walked over to the first door and invited him to go inside.

(Janice: "She's in this one. Dinner will be in the lab at five o'clock. It's one right now.")

Janice then left him alone, leaving through the door they entered in. It clicked shut and Lucas went up to the door. Lucas had a sudden inclination to knock on the door in a specific rhythm. He did it without thinking, and he wasn't quite sure why he did it. He shook his head at his lack of self-control and walked in.

There was an immediate change in tone inside the room than in the halls. Everything was a warm brown color. It was like a proper house in there. The lights were on at he entrance. Lucas closed the door behind him. There was a trash can right next to the door and Lucas removed his bandaid and threw it in the can. There was no wound on his arm from the needle. Of course, it had regenerated.

He heard a door creak open. Stella walked around a corner and greeted him at the entrance. She was dressed in her black v-neck shirt and black pants. It wasn't cold in the room. It was actually a comfortable temperature. It was a welcome change.

(Stella: "So you finally woke up?")

(Lucas: "That's what Janice said too.")

(Stella: "Guess what!")

(Lucas: "What?")

(Stella: "Guess!")

(Lucas: "Just tell me.")

(Stella: "You're no fun. There's running water! The showers work! No more bathing with a bucket of water from the well!")

Stella twirled in excitement.

(Stella: "You should wash up. You've got dried apostle blood on you.")

Lucas sighed.

(Lucas: "Where's the restroom?")

Stella led him to the restroom and Lucas closed the door and started the shower. He made sure to turn the temperature of the shower all the way up.

There was a mirror in there. Lucas stripped down and he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror, and what he saw shocked him. He saw a human. He touched his face, ruffled his hair. He looked at his body up and down. He hasn't seen himself in so long. He looked… young? Lucas knew he should look older than he did, and yet he looked to be just twenty years old.

Lucas blinked. When a person blinks, on average, it only lasts around one hundred milliseconds. But that's all the time needed for the guardian Angel to appear behind him. Lucas stumbled forward in fear before he realized it was the angel. A harsh reminder of his nature.

(Lucas: "Really, dude? While I'm naked?")

Lucas clicked his tongue and tried to ignore the angel as he got in the shower. He let the hot water run down his back and he rubbed soap into his hair.

He could see the angel moving around through the frosted glass of the shower. Lucas tried his best to pretend it wasn't there, but when you have an incomprehensible monster in the same room as you, you'll find it's quite hard to dismiss its presence.

Lucas sat down in the shower. He held his legs to his chest and let water hit the top of his head. He was thinking clearly. His mind wasn't fogged by the endless adrenaline he'd have out in the wasteland. He contemplated his place in this world. He wasn't sure of his humanity. He wasn't sure of his immortality.

Lucas hadn't seen his bare body in years. He's never needed to take his clothes off. He looked at his left arm. His wrist. There was a mark. A scar. He focused in on it. A scar? How did this get here? He shouldn't have a scar. He was immortal. There was no way for this to have appeared. But then it got him thinking. He wasn't always immortal. He was once human. Though, he really didn't remember much before getting lost in the wasteland, he did remember certain locations, certain smells, certain objects that would randomly pop in and out of his head. Not nearly long enough for him to even consider, but now he focused in on it. It made him wonder exactly what has changed between then and now. Was he really as inhuman as he thought? Then again, there was an apostle on the other side of that glass. It was in some way linked to him. He could feel the spiritual connection between it and him. He could feel a part of him being drawn to humanity. He preferred it this way. But he couldn't quite let go of that other side. The side that said he was a disgusting monster. The side that told him he wasn't worthy of life. When push came to shove, Lucas would have to choose his immortality over his humanity. That was a choice Lucas didn't want to have to choose. But he felt confident that, at least down here, he wouldn't have to make that choice. He could be human again. Something about that made him smile.

Lucas finished up showering and by the time he got out the Angel was gone. He covered his body with a towel and left the restroom. He then saw Stella standing at the end of the hall.

(Stella: Ugh! Put some clothes on! There is a kid here!")

(Lucas: "My clothes are dirty. I'm not putting those back on until they are clean. Are there any spare clothes here?")

(Stella: "Check your room. It's right there.")

She pointed at a door. Lucas entered it, holding the towel wrapped around his waist. He checked the closet for clothes, and he saw white shirts and jeans. There were many sizes of clothing in there, and several of the same size. He put on a shirt and jeans that actually fit him and he walked out of the room.

Stella was in the living room. He could hear her playing with the child. He emerged from the hallway and greeted her. The baby was laughing. She would pick the child up off the floor and make sounds of a rocket ship with her mouth.

(Lucas: "Are you gonna name him?")

(Stella: "Pfft, I don't know.")

(Lucas: "We can't just call him, "the baby," forever.")

(Stella: "Fine, then you name him.")

(Lucas: "Liam.")

(Stella: "Ewww, that's a horrible name.")

(Lucas: "Lee.")

(Stella: "Nope.")

(Lucas: "Levi.")

(Stella: "Can you only think of names that start with L?")

(Lucas: "You're the one who asked me.")

Stella pondered for a moment.

(Stella: "How about Jonas?")

Lucas wanted to insult the name like she had done to the name he came up with, but in all honesty, he did like the name Jonas.

(Lucas: "Okay. Jonas it is!")

(Stella: "Actually, I don't know. Is that a good name?")

(Lucas: "It's a great name. Actually, here's a fun fact. Did you know the name "Jonas" means dove? He'll be your little dove.")

(Stella: "Oh! That's so cute! Okay. His name is Jonas.")

Stella still held Jonas in her arm. She held him close. Her happy expression faded. She was deep in thought.

(Lucas: "What's wrong?")

(Stella: "I was just wondering… are you still going to leave us here?")

Lucas' eyes widened upon hearing the question.

(Lucas: "Uhm. Yes. I think I am.")

(Stella: "You never told me why.")

(Lucas: "Oh. Sorry. I… I have to leave. I need to find something.")

(Stella: "What are you looking for?")

(Lucas: "You don't need to stress over that. I'll be out of here soon and you and that boy can thrive.")

(Stella: "I can help you. I can help you find what you're looking for.")

(Lucas: "Don't kid yourself. It's not safe out there, especially not with me.")

(Stella: "But you got us this far. Who's to say you can't do it again? I know it may sound ungrateful for all you've done, but I just want to help you.")

(Lucas: "No. You can't come with me. You won't be safe. Jonas won't be safe. You need to put yourself first. I'll manage all on my own. I've done it for many years. I do it for many years to come.")

Stella nodded. She still looked sad.

(Stella: "You'd make a great father.")

Lucas froze up. He remained silent. He nodded and let out a nervous chuckle. He walked back to his room and locked the door behind him. He sat down on his bed and covered his face with his hands.

The angel was back. It loomed over Lucas. The image of the woman he loved appeared in his head. Her pregnant belly protruding through her shirt. He's already failed as a father. He has no right being with that child.

Lucas laid down on the bed faced toward the wall. He didn't sleep. He was too deep in memories to sleep.