6 Reflecting

"Samantha, I need you in my life! Why are you running from me? From us?! Is it because I want you to be my wife?!"

Ethan's words repeat in my head, even a month later since I drove my dad's car the rest of the way to California like was part of the original plan. Only I'm not living with my cousin, I have my own apartment and it's paid for the next three months.

There's not much in here, even though it's pre-furnished, it's the bare minimum. A bed, a couch, TV, table and two chairs with all the necessary appliances. I felt like my life was losing all it's color. Everything here looked faded, worn, and had me hating myself, missing Pa sitting on the porch drinking coffee letting the kittens use him as their play tower, Tucker and Rocket barking while they followed me to the barn to feed the animals.

I miss Ethan most of all.

We had spent the first eight months in relative harmony, getting to know one another, having amazing sex that I try not to think about, and working on the ranch together.

Ethan had kept his word and paid me for working on the ranch, and he paid me well. I saved all of it, barely spending anything other than the occasional order of toiletries and clothing. I saved most of it up. I had no intention of moving to California, but the last four months before I came here have been a rollercoaster between us.

I had not been feeling good, having issues mentally and physically. Everything was making me annoyed, irritated, or set me off emotionally. I felt like I was having the worse case of PMS ever in my life. I was depressed, missing my father, my emotions just kept going all over the place. My period had been late and I had recently had my implant taken out due to the pain in my arm when my most recent one had been put in.

That's when I realized that I was three weeks late. I had to sit him down and tell him the possibility. I was freaking out.

What if he wasn't ready to be a father? Hell, am I ready to be a mother?

When I went to talk to him, he was on his phone, on speaker with a woman who was laughing with him about something. He had told her, "Stop being so bad. Don't make me spank you." Her response was a, "Oh really?"

My heart caught in my chest at that moment and I turned on my heel and walked away. I knew us being out in the middle of nowhere, he was not sleeping with anyone else, but that flirtatious statement with the unknown woman bothered me. It was not like I had been the greatest of company lately with my emotions all over the place.

It made me think too, some of those trips he had made for his work and I stayed at the house with Pa, he could have met someone else and slept with them.

I ended up waiting longer to tell him. I let a whole week more go by before I finally did.

I made up my mind though. I had packed my bags and shoved them into the car, before I talked to him. I had been so stressed out that he was talking to another woman and that I might be pregnant, I asked myself, 'Why am I doing this to myself?'

With my bags packed in my dad's old car, I finally confronted him. We had never argued or raised our voices at each other the whole time we had been together, but that day we did.

"Ethan, we need to talk." I told him as he leaned back in his chair at his desk.

"Hey my beautiful lady, what's up?" Ethan asked me turning around to smile at me.

'My beautiful lady...? But I'm not your only one now, am I Ethan?' My stomach had curled in on itself at that moment, deep in me, and my chest ached already at the thought.

I remember taking a deep breath and steeling myself before I just kept it simple. I didn't need explanations.

"I'm leaving. I'm moving to California. I think it is the best thing for me, to do for myself."

Those words came out quickly, stabbing me with their claws and drawing blood as they left my mouth.

Ethan was stunned, confused, and quiet as he tried to process what I just said. "What?"

He sat there shaking his head, sticking a finger in his ear and wiggling it. "You're leaving? That can't be right, right? Like a trip? No, you said moving, did I not hear you right?" He lifts his eyes and holds my gaze, hurt and hope filling them, as he tries to read my emotions.

"You heard me correctly, Ethan. I wanted to say thank you, for everything you've done for me when I needed it. I appreciate all of it. I'll miss you and Pa, but I've got to go. I wish you nothing but the best and I hope you find happiness." I didn't want to drag this out, so I stood to leave and walk out.

Suddenly, Ethan was in front of me, blocking my way. Hurt, confusion and anger all flowing off of him.

"NO! THAT'S IT?! YOU'RE JUST GOING TO GO?!" He threw his hands up in the air, shouting his frustration.

"PLEASE MOVE ETHAN. DO NOT ACT LIKE THIS!" I stand my ground, shouting right back, appalled he had the gall to act like a victim here.

"NO! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?! WHAT DID I DO TO MAKE YOU WANT TO JUST LEAVE ME OUT OF THE BLUE?!" Ethan bellows taking a step towards me, making me step back.

"You should know why, Ethan. Don't play stupid, now." I start to cry, I can't help it. My heart feels like it's twisting in my chest into a black hole, absorbing all the pain around me.

"I'M NOT PLAYING STUPID, SAM!" Ethan roared, his hands falling to his hips.

I shake my head and move past him, "I HEARD YOU TALKING TO THAT WOMAN ON THE PHONE. I AM NOT STUPID, ETHAN, AND I WILL NOT LET YOU CONTINUE YOUR PLANS TO KEEP ME AROUND LIKE THAT!" I quickly made my way downstairs, Pa looking concerned from the front door that he just walked through.

"What's going on here?" Pa asked, looking between Ethan standing at the top of the stairs and me right in front of him.

I wipe tears from my eyes, "Thank you, Pa, for everything. I have to leave and I'm not coming back. You take care of yourself and I'll miss you." I wrapped my arms around Ethan's grandpa, who I had come to love like my own, squeezing him tight, before kissing his cheek and rushing out the door.

I'm climbing into my dad's car when Ethan comes barreling out the front door, shouting at me, "SAMANTHA WAIT! PLEASE!"

I closed the car door, turning the engine over, ready to get out of there, as Ethan stuck his head in my window.

"Samantha, baby, what are you doing? Don't leave, please, baby, don't leave me. I love you," his hands caress my face as he tries to make me look at him, "I don't understand what is going on right now. I'm sorry, I yelled at you, but I really don't understand." Ethan's tears drip from his cheeks, as he begs me to stay.

"Ethan, please, let me go." I sobbed, hearing him in pain was causing my black hole to grow larger in my chest.

"No, baby, please stay. I don't understand, why, why are you going?" He's begging me through his tears, his hands caressing my face as he attempts to kiss me, but I pull away from him.

"Samantha, I need you in my life! Why are you running from me? From us?! I love you! Is it really because I want you to be my wife?! I don't understand, Sam, don't you love me anymore?"

I had grunted in frustration and in my pain I screamed at him, "NO, I DO NOT LOVE YOU ANYMORE! NOW, LET. ME. GO!"

Ethan's face crumpled like I just ripped his heart out and stomped it into dust in front of him. Pa's hands reach around Ethan's shoulders, pulling Ethan back, whispering something into Ethan's ear. Ethan's eyes close in barely contained agony, and as soon as his hands leave my window, I reverse and drive out of there like a cat escaping a bath.

I had looked up into my mirror once, witnessing Ethan chasing after my car for a while before collapsing on his knees, reaching out for me. The sight destroyed me, and I almost stopped and turned back around. Instead I shook my head and focused on the road in front of me, driving away leaving my heart back there, broken and defeated, keeping the black hole where it used to be.

Tears roll down my face even now, even though I chose to leave. I chose to leave him. On the way to California, my period came with a vengeance. Part of me was relieved, but a bigger part, mourned the fact that I was not pregnant.

I was here for two weeks and I already had a job, working in a higher end restaurant that paid decent and I made great tips, so I wasn't worried about money and bills.

I had no friends though, no one to talk to, which was the hardest part of all this. Being isolated and yearning for him so badly, even my dreams plagued me with him.

It was my day off. So, I opened up a bottle of wine, did some house work and was sitting here on my worn, but comfortable couch watching daytime tv, not really paying attention.

My phone started going off, pulling me from my thoughts of Ethan. I grab it off the charger, hoping it's work and they need me to come in.

"Hello?" I answer not even looking at the number.

"Hey, Sam."

My heart pitter patters at the sound of Pa's weak voice coming over the phone.

"Pa?! Um. Hi. Why are you calling? You don't sound very good, is everything alright? Did something happen to Ethan?" My questions start pouring from my mouth, revealing my anxious thoughts.

"First off, young lady." He begins and that reminds me to take a breath and calm down. "How are you doing? Did I call you at a bad time?"

I shake my head and remember he can't see it. "No, it's not a bad time." I have to swallow the sob of wanting to spill my guts to him about how I am really doing but force out, "I'm okay, I have an apartment and a decent job right now. I'm going to save up some more and start taking some morning classes and get a degree. I just haven't chosen a profession yet."

I can feel his soft smile over the phone, "That's good to hear, sweetheart. I've been missing you."

I can't hold back the choked sob that escapes me or the tears that roll down my face after I hear that.

"I have been missing you too." I cry pulling the phone away from my face, so the sound isn't too obvious. I choked sob escapes making it pointless.

"Don't cry, dear. Please, don't cry. I wanted to call and ask you something though." He tries to soothe me over the phone.

"Ask me anything Pa."

"Have you spoken to Ethan recently? I'm in the hospital, I had a minor heart attack and can't get in touch with him since he left."