27. Is that who I am? (Will Lexington)

Tony was in Nashville of all places but all was good.  He had found a hidden bar out of the way of the Honky-Tonk dancers and was nursing a beer as he decided what he was going to do regarding his career.  He wasn’t being dramatic - he needed to make a decision about what he would put up with and what to do about it when it became too much.   It was then the singer started and Tony paid attention as the lyrics struck a chord.  The guy was good but that was not what drew him to the song and the singer.  The man himself was gorgeous but it was the pain in the guy’s voice too - Tony could relate.

I've always been broken underneath my smile

So you think that I was, happy all the while

If I'm being honest, I didn't stand a chance, is that who I am?

Ouch.  Tony put his beer down and listened closer.  It was ridiculous and sad just how well the lyrics fit him.  He’d played a character because Gibbs had asked him to.  The only trouble was for the last few years, Gibbs had forgotten the character was not the real him.  He was not a playboy clown and the probies should now have a thick enough skin to handle the job and Gibbs.  The only trouble was Tony had spent so long playing the role and deflecting Gibbs anger that he had almost forgotten himself.  He was a good cop, and he followed the rules - why should he ever doubt his instincts?

Staring at my shadow, for way too long,

If never did nothing then nothing could go wrong,

I've always been singing, I've never had a song,

Is that who I am?

Tony understood the song only too well.  He was lost and searching for answers and it was startling to realise it was him who was lost.  Tony had forgotten himself having played one too many roles in the recent past. The thoughts kept bouncing around his skull but there was one question that remained: What was he going to do about it?

I see big bright lights burning in the atmosphere, calling my name, calling my name...

Sayin' I, I don't have to be, the way I've been,

Tony could leave because he had done it before and reinvented himself.  It wasn’t too difficult but he wasn’t getting any younger and he had one more life-changing move in him he reckoned.  Still, if it would save his mental heath then surely, it would be worthwhile.  

And, I still got a lot of soul underneath my skin,

It's calling my name, calling my name,

Is that who I am?

Tony would wait until the guy’s set was over and buy him a drink.  He wasn’t stupid enough to hit on the guy even if he was cute.  It wasn’t because Tony was closeted or homophobic, he just didn’t want to make the singer's life difficult. It wasn’t safe in law enforcement and it just wasn’t smart in country music. Tony knew attitudes were changing - it was just taking a little longer in certain sectors.

Am I just a lost soul, blowing in the wind,

Or a coward, scared to look within?

Do I have a brave heart,

Tony did have a brave heart and he had no problem starting again.  He couldn’t believe that it was a song making him reevaluate his feelings.  He couldn’t live for Abby and making sure Gibbs stayed safe. What about him?  Was it selfish to live for himself?  He wouldn’t make life changing decisions over a pint but he would certainly give it more thought.

The singer ambled up to the bar next to him and Tony seized the initiative. “What can I get ya?”The singer, Will Lexington, turned to face him.  “You buying?”Tony smirked recognising the signs and maybe the singer was braver than he thought.  “Seems like the least I can do to thank you for the music.”The singer looked sheepish but even that was cute.  “Wasn’t too depressing?”

Tony shook his head. “No, more helpful than you will ever know..”The singer cocked his head. “You’re welcome.”

Tony chuckled, motioning to the chair next to him. “Too deep for tonight. Sit awhile if you have time.”

Will slid onto the chair. “So what brings you to Nashville?”“My job,” Tony grinned. “The music helps though - I love to play when I have the time.”  He didn’t hide his smile or his passion for the music.  He would spend more time with music if NCIS wasn’t such a demanding job.

Will smiled and asked him. “What do you play?”“I love playing the piano.” Tony confessed.

Will smiled easy and friendly. “Now see I would have pegged you as a model.”

Tony laughed. “I think the Government would object, I’m a Federal Agent.”

Will’s eyes dropped to Tony’s hips as if searching for his gun or handcuffs. “Exciting.”

The conversation and the sparks flowed between them even though they had an unspoken rule not to touch each other, knowing it would be too dangerous.  The alcohol wasn’t helping - it was just loosening Will’s inhibitions. “I don’t know why I am talking so much to you ... you must think I’m so boring.”Tony shook his head. “I think you know who you are and you have chosen a difficult path and it is one of the bravest things you can do.”

Will looked at him with a sad smile and Tony would do anything to wipe the sadness off his face.  He was too handsome to look that sad.  

Will confessed. “You know, you make me want something different.”Tony blushed and stood up throwing money on the counter.  “Let’s get out of here, I think you need some fresh air to clear your mind.”

Will appreciated the attempt at saving his honour but Tony was making him feel more alive than ever before.  Tonight he’d been bitter, hence the song, but that wasn’t how he felt any more.

&*&*&*&*&*&*

Tony and Will wandered around the streets of Nashville and then headed towards the river.  Their walk ended by the river and Tony looked at Will and could see so many fierce emotions at play.  Tony decided to throw caution to the winds and bared his soul. “I want nothing more than to take you back to my hotel room and give you a night you will never forget but you’ve worked too hard.  I won’t ruin it for you Will.”Will sucked in a breath. “Fuck them, I want you for myself.”Tony giggled and took him back to his hotel room and delivered on his promise.

Will woke the next morning knowing he should move before the streets got too busy.  He had a meeting with the head of the label about a tv programme they wanted him to go on. They wanted him to do some heavy duty reality tv thing where he would fake a relationship with another up and coming country star, Layla Grant.  The thought made him sick to the stomach and last night with Tony made him realise he would never be able to go through with it.

His hands started stroking Tony’s flank. “Hey don’t you need to be waking up soon.”Tony’s eyes fluttered open and he had a lazy sated smile. “I sure do but if you got nowhere to be ... I’m not in a hurry.”

Will dived under the sheet wanting to stretch their time.  “I don’t want this to end,”  Will confessed biting his lip.

Tony pulled him back up from under the covers.  “It doesn’t have to Will but I won’t harm what you are building in Nashville.”Will nodded and seemed torn so Tony teased.  “Well, you can come up to Washington ... No one understands country there.”Will laughed as they exchanged phone numbers.  He didn’t realise what a lifeline Tony would become for him.  They exchanged daily conversations about everything and nothing.  Tony bitched about the toxic coworkers and Will shared his stories about the ridiculous demands the record label chief had.  Tony sighed one night wistfully.  “I just want my cowboy to whisk me away for some R ‘n’ R.”Will smirked.  “Is that so?”  

Tony was musing.  “Oh yeah.  You could turn up in the bullpen, shut everyone up and then we could spend the week on a beach drinking beers.”Will smiled because it sounded good.  He missed physically seeing Tony but in the meantime, Facetime would have to do.  Will struggled to keep his surprise quiet but he knew it would be brilliant.  You see facetime and stolen moments were no longer cutting it - Will wanted everything and he was taking steps to achieve his dreams.  He was a damn good singer and as much as he loved Country - if mainstream music let him keep Tony then that is what he would do.  

Will had Gibb’s number because Tony insisted that if anything went wrong and he was injured that he would have a contact number.  The old Marine was pretty cool and took to their relationship which was why Will was now phoning him.  “Hey Jethro, it’s Will.  Listen I need your help to surprise Tony and I think you will like it.”

&*&*&*&*&*&*&*

Tony was debating snapping and telling off his duplicitous duo of workmates.  He could usually take a deep breath and deal but today his temper was fraying and he couldn’t put his finger why.  Gibbs broke his homicidal fantasies.  “Tony I think you have a visitor.”Tony blushed because there before him was his cowboy, and Tony knew there and then that Will was the one.  He stood up and walked closer noticing he was in full cowboy mode.  “You here to take me away cowboy?”“Always Tony.”  Will had a twinkle in his eye and there in front of everyone, not caring about photos or the reactions of anyone - he claimed Tony as his lover.

“You're gay?” McGee shouted.

Tony frowned. “No, I’m bisexual and jeez McClueless this is the twenty-first century.”

Ziva didn’t seem to be taking it too well, she kept frowning. “No, I do not believe this ... It is another one of your jokes.”Now that Tony would not accept.  “You know what ... I am done.  You really should read my whole file after I’m gone and check the awards in the bottom file. You just might learn something.”“What do you mean gone . You can’t just walk away!” Ziva sneered.

Tony knew the perfect answer and with Will holding his hand it was kind of a perfect moment.  “Oh but I can as this is who I am.”

The resignation hit Vance’s desk a week later and Leon wasn’t sure he wanted it after all.  He was starting to see just who did the work in the MCRT and it wasn’t who he thought.  He was starting to realise that he should be careful what you wish for - especially today as Gibbs had also thrown his resignation on his desk.

&*&*&*&*&*&*&*

Tony didn’t care about the inner politics and dramas of NCIS.  He was on a plane to Hawaii with Will sitting next to him and it was exciting.  Tony had never truly risked his heart for anyone since Wendy but he would do so for Will - He deserved it for everything he himself was risking.  

“Are we really doing this?” Tony asked, giddy for life once more.

“We sure are.” Will promised him kissing him, not caring about who saw them.  They were in love and the rest of the world could go screw itself as far as Tony was concerned.   

Tony grinned into the kiss. “We’re crazy and I have no idea what we will do next.”

The beach holiday was fantastic.  They relaxed and indulged in recharging their batteries and lots and lots of sex.  Will waited until Tony’s brain was offline from a fantastic blowjob before asking. “Will you come to the Grammy’s with me?”Tony’s voice was mellow as he promised. “Sure thing.”

&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*

Tony was standing in front of the mirror as he adjusted his Tuxedo.  “I look like a waiter.”

Will slipped behind him hugging his back. “You look like anything but a waiter, I know you will upstage half of the stars.”“You’re my partner you have to say that.” Tony tried to retort.

“Just you watch.”

They did go to the Grammy’s and the picture of the them entwined in Tuxedos - broke the internet.   Will laughed him sick when GQ offered Tony a cover shoot considering the conversation when they first met.  Tony was vindictive and okayed the shoot but insisted Will do it with him.  

No one new at NCIS understood why there was a ban on the copy of the new GQ but they were quietly taken aside by some of the older hands and it was explained to them.  It seems like some people couldn’t stand when others were happy.