42 - The Power of Fear

"You are just a little too calm," Andy and Maisey had gone into the living room. "and don't give me the therapy works lecture, I've been your doctor since you arrived in Blindloss, I saw you last week remember?"

Maisey sat and looked up at Andy, "Would you like me to tell you I'm crippled with fear?"

"I would like to know how you're not." he said bluntly.

"Two anxiety pills and a lot of therapy," she told him, "honestly, my therapist said that when I have had episodes before it's almost like I black out so if I seize control of something I just might be able to keep from hysterics. So far it's thinking of the details and the minutia that are keeping me from dissolving into a puddle of anger, pain and memories." She sat down, "I kind of over reacted with the whole lifting my shirt thing. Aside from you and Anna I'm not sure anyone's seen my back."

"By anyone I assume you mean Brett?" she nodded, "You'd be right, I kept him out of the room when Anna and I were looking after you so unless you let him see it that would have been a shock."

"I was just so....angry." she struggled with thre right words, "He was so sure that Luke had done nothing." Andy waited, "I'm sure I will cry later," she said, "but right now that's not on my to do list."

Andy chuckled, "As your doctor I approve of your coping mechanisms and am glad to hear the medication and therapy is working." he paused, "As best friend to your roommate: the people that did that to you had better think twice about trying again."

Maisey tried to smile but couldn't, Andy clapped her on the shoulder and headed out to the barns to finish with the animals before she left. Her skin crawled and she shivered, petting Henry absently: Jesse was in Blindloss. Luke was in jail and that was the only reason he was not there too: if it had been Luke she'd have been dead. Very dead. She stared out the window.

Brett watched Maisey from the kitchen. He didn't know what she said to Andy but he could guess what she was thinking about. Her back had to have been a bloody mess when it had happened. A part of him wanted to see Luke dead, and was grateful the man was in prison. He found it amazing that a woman he'd only known for 8 months had made such an impact in his life and made him feel so protective. He walked toward the living room and stretched his arms up to rest his finger tips on the door frame, stretching. Henry wandered past on his way out.

"You never told me about Jesse," he commented, "Or the rest of it."

"I wanted it to be done." she told him, not looking back at him, "If I pretend it didn't happen I can kind of pretend I have a normal life." She rubbed her arms absently, "If I let the fear back in I'll be a mess and I don't know if I'll come back from it the next time. I just need to stay in control." She wiped an unexpected tear from her cheek.

Brett moved to sit next to her, "hey," he said softly, making her look at him. She turned and he saw the tears she'd kept from Andy, with a tug he pulled her into his lap and held her, "Tears are not giving into fear," he told her, "these tears are important: you had a very big shock last night and then again this morning, these tears are you letting go of the stress that brought on."

Maisey wrapped her arms around Brett awkwardly, "How is it that you understand so much of what I need?" she asked and burrowed against him.

Brett smiled, "My biggest fear is that I can't protect you and that you will be gone," he told her, "So I just do everything I possibly can to make sure you know that I will be here, and that I will do my very best to be there for you and protect you." He squeezed her tighter.

"Yeah, about that..." she decided it was time to broach the subject of the changes that needed to happen in the house. "How do you feel about sharing a room?"

"Don't we already?" he asked.

"I mean the master bedroom."

Brett hesitated, "No one's stayed in there since Aunt Lizzy was alive." He said finally.

"I know but with two more people in the house, we need to clear out at least one room in addition to Ned's old room and your room won't fit both of us and our personal things."

Brett stared at the wall where pictures of his aunt and uncle were hung, "Yeah, I can get Tony or someone to help move a bed in there."

"I was thinking we could go get something together, something new."

Brett adjusted her, "You want to go shopping?"

Maisey laughed, "Not really, but right now it's better than sitting here being terrified that Jesse's face is going to pop back into a window. It's better than doing next to nothing and allowing that fear to creep in. I am afraid to let the fear eat me up: I figure if we go do this that it will keep my mind busy on other things and when we get back we'll have something new together."

Brett nodded, his mind was going in a million places: he was elated that she felt comfortable enough with him to really move in together--there would be no personal space, and it would be hard not to think of them as a couple. He knew that she would never put them in that category; it was a little depressing to know that she thought of him as a tool to keep her fear at bay.

"Brett?" she asked, "Am I asking too much? It's okay if you don't want to, if I move into the master then they can have Ned's room and my old room but I thought....I hoped....I don't know, maybe it was a silly idea." She tried to push herself up off his lap, he held her still.

"Maisey Barnes, are you asking me to move in with you? Like move in, move in?" He teased, but was still surprised, "Like share a bed and a closet and a bathroom and a toothbrush?"

"Eww," she laughed, "But yes," she told him, "I am asking you to move in with me."

He eyed her awkwardly, narrowing his eyes, "I insist on one of those beds that you can pull apart so that every third Wednesday we can move them apart so I can sleep alone, but it needs to have privacy curtains as well so that when you're tired of looking at my ugly mug you can block it out." Maisey burst out laughing at his serious face, "I'm trying to be serious," he was grinning.

"Let's go, Cowboy," she pulled Brett up with her as she stood up, laughing, "Going to the Hat and back in an afternoon for the perfect bed won't be easy."

"What are you talking about, you can sleep the whole way."

They decided to take Maisey's truck-- it was cleaner-- and to leave Henry with Travis. The young dog whined but stayed. They kept conversation light as they drove but Maisey was unfocused enough that Brett let the conversation lapse.

"Pull over," Maisey cried out suddenly. Brett had barely stopped when she swung open the door and started heaving and puking. Brett put on the 4 way flashers and waited, then after a minute turned off the truck and came around to her with a water bottle in hand.

Tears poured down her cheeks as she doubled over dry heaving. He gave her the water and patted her back, making soothing noises. She gargled and spat the water to clean out her mouth. He found a napkin and handed it to her so she could wipe her face, "You weren't feeling sick earlier?"

"I started imagining what he would have done to me if he had gotten in, I couldn't stop the memories or the fears."

Brett pulled her into his arms, "He didn't get it. You followed your instincts, you kept yourself safe." Maisey pressed her face into his chest, "I won't give him another opportunity. None of us will. Are you sure you want to go do this today?"

"I need to," she told him, "I need to keep busy or the fear will consume me and I'll be back to a screaming mess." They parted and got back in the truck, "I know you've been keeping the contractors away from the house, how is construction going?"

"They've got forms in for the bunks and the first two houses, plus the commercial kitchen." He told her, "When they said I was going to need to pull permits and maybe rezone I was a bit worried, but turns out ranches are pre-zoned to allow for multiple residences and a commercial kitchen so nothing to worry about there." Maisey nodded, "I didn't really think about needing to hire more kitchen staff though, I didn't realize how much time Addie was spending cooking for us."

"For someone who hated me on sight, she's become quite valuable to have around." Maisey smiled.

"She didn't hate you."

"Sorry, for someone who was jealous of me on sight then." Brett laughed. "Well it's true and you know it!"

"I've known Nate for sixteen years and next had any idea that he was interesting in Addie."

They arrived at a furniture store in Medicine Hat, Maisey stared for long moments before accepting Brett's hand and climbing down out of the truck. She took all her anxiety and fear and pain and shoved it inside a box she built in her mind and put a lock on it as they walked toward the doors.

Once inside she let out a breath, there were maybe five other people in the whole store. Together they started walking around, comparing styles of beds and things they liked and didn't like. With a twinge Maisey realized she was building a life with this man who had rescued her and that she was asking him to give up a future with anyone else just to help her lick her wounds. As if he could read her mind Brett took her hand, "Stop worrying: I am fine with this," he told her, "I'm not looking for anything more than what we have got happening right now and I don't care about what happens if I meet someone else--I'll cross that bridge when I come to it." She chuckled.

It didn't take as long as she thought to pick out the bed. It was a king size, tall sleigh bed with a headboard and a foot board all made of dark cherry wood that would stand out against the light colors in the bedroom. They bought the side tables that went with it but knowing Ned and Lizzy had installed a full length his and hers closet until they didn't get any dressers--much to the dismay of the salesman who tried: mattresses took longer. Brett insisted they lay down on every one they looked at, so while the bed frame took thirty minutes the mattress set took an extra hour. Maisey picked a bedding set with two extra sets of sheets from a display they had in the store.

On the way out the door she noticed a chair that she hadn't seen on her way in. The chair was labelled as a "Nesting" chair: it was round with throw pillows and big enough for one person to sit with their feet up and tucked under them, or for two people to sit cozily. "Do we have enough space in the truck?" she asked. Brett smiled and told her yes even though he wasn't certain they did: the chair was the same color as the resin in the table and would add color in the room they would be sharing.

He helped with loading the bed and furniture. He cared a lot about Maisey, he hadn't been lying when he said he was okay with sharing a room with her, he just worried that she was rushing into things. He hoped that the power of her will was stronger than the power of her fear. He hesitated to say he loved her, but at the same time, he knew he did. His fear was that he would let her down.

"Since we're here we'd better go get me winter boots and coat that's suitable for this weather."

"Didn't you just buy a bunch of clothes?"

"Clothes yes, jacket and boots no. Those are things you have to try on."