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⚠️ Trigger Warning ⚠️ graphic content and major angst. I cried at every single step of writing and editing this. 🥀

Deku's POV

"Midoriya, emotions are not that clean. You are hurt, and the pain you are feeling is real." Todoroki spoke slowly and my tears just kept streaming down my face. Kiri and Kami were out cold leaning against each other while their boyfriends and I talked.

"Why do I have to love him though? I always feel so empty and hurt whenever he is around but when he isn't…" I choked, burying my head under my arms as my sobs wracked my body.

"Finish what you are saying, you will only feel more trapped if you don't," Shinso put a hand on my shoulder and I looked up.

"When he isn't around, I feel like I'm nothing at all. Like I'm not even be alive." I croaked and then as if I asked for it they had their arms around me, like they were trying to hold me together while I could only cry; frustration, fear, grief, pain and so many more emotions overflowing and making it so very hard to pull myself together.

I don't deserve them, they really are the best friends I could have ever asked for but the pain just won't stop. What am I actually supposed to do?

***

It's been weeks since that night at the bar, weeks since Bakugo and I have even seen each other. I try to shake the thought out of my head and keep patroling my route and sign autographs as I go when I pass by the local middle school, my old school.

My old teacher was shocked to see me and I even stopped and chatted for a while. The fact that my quirk was so powerful that I was basically quirkless because using it would have resulted in my dying until I got stronger was a huge shock to him. Of course that wasn't the actual reason but that was the story All Might and I had come up with years ago. He would have me come in and talk to the kids every year and sometimes Bakugo would come with me… But I guess that's over now too.

I was walking by the beach that I cleaned up all those years ago with All Might training me, it was starting to get messy again but every couple months I would clean it up again, just to keep it nice. It's one of my favorite times, All Might would come with me and we would act like I was training again and by the end of it we would both be laughing before we would go home and shower, pick up Mom and go out for dinner. It's one of my favorite things to do, aside from being with Ka-... Bakugo.

I finished my route and signed out for the day before going home.

Alone.

Again.

I let out a long, slow sigh before walking inside and whispering, "I'm home." Knowing perfectly well that the house was empty, no one waiting for me. Hasn't been anyone since I moved out of Mom's house.

***

There was an emergency, a tsunami had hit but to make it worse there were villains there taking advantage and actually hurting people. At least one was using his quirk to shoot people and yelling out numbers as if he were getting points for each kill or injury. My blood was boiling, I wasn't the only one sent out. In fact almost everyone I know was there; older heroes and even some newer ones that just got out of highschool a couple months ago.

"Shoto cover me!" I yelled before using full cowling and launching myself at the villain but he managed to get away with some kind of light quirk? He isn't alone. Shoto's ice was surrounding me and I used it to break my landing but when I got up again I saw the villain taking aim at Bakugo's back. I shot forward again and I managed to land a punch to his jaw and hearing the bones crack and crunch didn't faze me even a little.

Why do I have to be in love with him? Even now I could have gotten so hurt for no other reason than I saw someone aiming at him. I tried to shake the thought out of my head before putting the erasure cuffs on him and the gun disappeared into thin air.

Finally, the villain was down. His accomplice shouldn't be that hard to track down, they seemed to only be able to teleport or warp him around, if they were like Kurogiri back when the League of Villains were still a thing then they would have done much more than what they actually did. I got the guy to the police cruiser and they drove off with him before I turned back to see Shoto with another villain. I let out a long breath before going off to help the people still trapped by the debris. This was still a natural disaster, villains or not.

So many died today and all because we couldn't get to them in time. I found so many already drowned by the still high waters, so many crushed to death by the buildings they once called home. I even found one that had been swept away only to be impaled by a sign post that no longer had the sign.

I feel drained. I make my way up the hill. There is still one area to be searched and it's really hard to get to. Bakugo and I were the first one's to reach it and we silently combed through the area as best as we could. No one came to help though. Hours later we had found many more dead but none that were alive…

I dragged a young man to the area we had started gathering the dead at. He was so small, did he even graduate highschool? I made my way further into the debris but the only luck that I found was another body…

We worked on silently, and even now I can't look at his face but I heard a noise that I wasn't expecting. I looked up and saw Bakugo holding a small child, maybe three? Or even four? Their right arm had been torn off and they were not bleeding anymore. Looks like the blood clotted a long time ago, but the noise...

Bakugo was crying, his tears streamed down his face as he laid the child down with the other dead. He got back up and even with his tears still trailing down his face he made his way further into the wreckage. He was sobbing, his back was still shaking even now while he walked away from me and I looked back at the child.

He had been wearing a green Deku onesie with the word smile written in big bold and once white letters. How is anyone supposed to smile at this? This whole scene only screamed mourning, ripping your heart out as you moved. To make it worse? We don't even have a villain to blame. Not for this.

I let out a sigh before making my way towards Bakugo, we were almost done with this area. I looked up just in time to see someone else standing on a pile of rubble, and they were aiming at Kacchan, my heart felt like it had stopped. No. No. NO. NO!

"KACCHAN!" I screamed and launched myself at him, trying to knock him out of the way but only for him to turn wide eyed back to look at me, still not seeing the villain. I tackled him and in the next instant there was a pop in the air and a sting in my back.

Kacchan's eyes went wide but then it seemed to hit him what just happened and he sent an explosion at the villain. I heard him screaming but I couldn't quite make out the words. I could hear Uraraka and Tsu but again I just couldn't make out the words.

All I could see were Kacchan's bright red eyes staring at me in disbelief, "No, not you Izu." His voice was music to my ears, calm and quiet, soothing and exhilarating all at the same time.

"Sorry Kacchan, I guess I just couldn't watch you get hurt. I love you too much," I whispered, tears falling from my eyes. I'm dying, I know that I am, I'm already going numb and it is so hard to keep my eyes open.

"No, Izu. Don't leave me, please." Kacchan begged his arms around me, this is nice, so very nice. "I love you, let me do it all over, please." He begged and I could only smile up at him.

"Remember Kacchan, you're supposed to smile. I love your smile the most," I whispered, reaching up to his face and he leaned into my touch. His tears were flooding out, if I didn't know better I would think it was me crying. Hahah, guess I really am dying if I'm thinking of those kinds of bad jokes.

I watched him force a smile, "Only for you, my smiles are only ever for you." I nod, smiling, my eyes feel so heavy but I want to see Kacchan more.

"Do you still want to kiss me?" I asked quietly and I heard him choke on an angry laugh but he nodded anyway. "Please?" He took off his glove and caressed my face before gently kissing my lips. It was so slow and sweet, sad and it was like I could actually feel the longing to redo our lives together from him.

"Let's meet in our next lives too? This time be kind to me? I don't want to lose you again," I whispered and this time his smile seemed so real, I truly love him.

"Yeah, next time I will hold you in my arms and we will laugh together, play together, fight together." He broke into a sob and I kissed him again.

"Goodbye Kacchan," … … …

"I will always love you." … … …