Saying Goodbye

"I'm sorry, Red," he said in between his sobs, "I'm really sorry."

I chose to keep silent because I already made up my mind. If I would reply, he would only try harder to convince me. Tears were always my weakness, and I was afraid I would give in if he continued his drama. I couldn't define what I was truly feeling for him because his unrestrained tongue would always ruin every sprout of affection that I had for him.

Those five years I chose to endure was more of my way of paying him because I owe him my profession and my existence. It was never difficult to love him--he's sweet if he was in a good mood. He's generous to my wants and needs, and he always wanted the best of material things for me. He bought me an expensive car, surprised me with signature stuff, and gave me access to his bank accounts. He never questioned, nor complained whenever I went out of the line and spend for something irrational.

Yet, his weakness was his short temper and his endless nagging. Every time I start to fall for him, his tongue would always destroy it all. All I could remember was the humiliation and my battered human ego. Maybe because he could easily release his anger through an outburst that his mood would also quickly change. After a whip of hurtful words that ventilate all his anger, he treated me as if nothing happened. Unlike me, who kept my emotion to myself, I had allowed my pain and humiliation to pile up until I had nothing left for him.

"Red, please tell me that you'll stay," he begged, lifting my chin so I could look straight into his eyes.

I sighed before I answered. "Eric, when you feel it in your heart that you're finally with the right woman, you would never let her go. And you know I am not that woman because, from the very beginning, it never occurred to you that you will keep me for a lifetime. What you have in your mind

is to throw me out of your life anytime you want."

"I said it because I was angry but I did not mean it."

"It's always there in your subconscious mind."

"Red-"

"Eric, I can't thank you enough for everything that you have done for me. I will be forever grateful for it. Why not give my best friend a chance? Why not try giving her your full attention?"

"Red, we're both drunk when it happened!" His voice was not loud but was stressing every word. However, I did not want to hear about it anymore.

"Let's give ourselves some space for a while. If we would realize that we still need each other after that, then we're meant for each other."

Eric's expression changed from a pitiful look into an angry and domineering one. His eyes were so sharp and piercing that I felt it could tear me into pieces anytime.

"Red, if we can't talk this out, it's up to you. Don't ever come to me in the future and beg for my pardon. If you leave this house now, don't ever think of coming again. I'll strip you off from all your finances. Let's see how well you can bear with just a resident's meager salary."

He stormed out of the living room and climbed upstairs. I wished he would see the cards I left in our bedside table. I was not that shameless that I would still take advantage of his fortune even if I was already leaving. When I heard the sound of a slamming door, I slowly turned toward the door and left.

It's finally over between us.

I booked for a Grab car to take me home the moment I got outside the gate. I almost couldn't see the screen because my tears started to blurred my vision. The moment I got the booking, I leaned my back on the lamp post. Soon, my shoulders rocked as I broke into a painful sob. I did not care if there were passers-by, or people were walking on the streets. I could no longer wait to heave out the load that was occupying my chest.

Scenes of Eric and me during our happy moments flashed in my mind. Images of us in a heated love session followed. His smiles as he hanged my medals of achievements during my graduation, his proud march every time we attended parties and functions, and his frown every time he disliked the things I bought, came next. He's such a part of me. And it hurt that it had to end with no sense of gratitude in my heart, but hatred. It hurt that he couldn't love and treat me as his own. Because if he did, he wouldn't have torn my sense of pride and dignity. He would have valued me as someone he couldn't live without.

"Red?"

I jolted when Eric's voice pierced into my ears. I looked up and met his already soft gaze. He pulled me close to him and kissed the top of my head.

I hate the fact that he was like that. How easy it was for him to break my heart, only to act as if nothing happened after a few minutes.

"Wait for me here. I'll take you to where you are working, or where you are staying. I'll give you the space you ask if that's what you need."

Before I could reply, a car stopped in front of me. I did not mind to check if it was the plate number of the Grab car I had booked. I sprinted towards the car and before I opened it, I turned and face Eric.

"Thank you but the Grab car has already arrived."

To my surprise, Eric did not insist. He just watched me getting inside the car. I gazed back at him with tears falling from my eyes, and before I closed the door, I left him my parting words.

"Eric," I said, pausing for a moment to smile at him, "thank you, and goodbye."

I closed the door and I covered my face as I broke into a sob again. It hurt like hell. It hurt like I was pushed into a seafloor. I didn't even look at the driver. He knew anyway where I was going--it's part of the booking. However, I jumped at my seat when the driver's hand suddenly pulled me close to him.