The Notes of Sorrowful Remembrance

"Good morning Suri...happy birthday, Hiro."

Bright and early on the morning of November 5th, I was sitting on my bedroom floor, once again staring into the eyes of my wife...a photograph of my wife, that is, wishing that she could have been there with me. There were so many things that were taking place today...too many things for me to focus on. It was the day Suri died, as well as the day Hiro was born...and the day Hiro died...and on top of that, there was the ice skating show that Yuta and Ushio would be putting on for us later. It was just too much for me to wrap my head around. I made a promise to Suri that morning that I would do my best to smile as much as I could today. I highly doubted I would go the entire day without shedding a tear, but I wanted to at least try.

"I still can't believe that it's Yuta's birthday today, too...can you believe how unlucky I am?" I said, forcing a laugh. "Wait...does that mean I should get her a gift? Ah, but what do I know about getting gifts for girls? Come to think of it, what would Yuta like? I mean, it's not like she asked for anything specific. Hey, Suri, what do you think I should-.....do..."

I hadn't been paying much attention to what I was saying until after I said Suri's name. My mind was too focused on Yuta. This was the first time in three years that I had even been thinking about anyone other than Suri and Hiro on the 5th of November, and it scared me. "I'm sorry, you two," I said with a shaky voice. "I don't know what's wrong with me. I guess I've just been stressed out about some things lately. I-I hope you're not upset with me. If it makes you feel any better, I still plan on visiting your graves tonight. After the ice skating performance that my friends are putting on, I promise I'll be there, okay, Hiro? Daddy will sing happy birthday to you again this year. He promises."

+++

"Hey, Morgan! It's good to see you!"

Yuta's greeting was as cheerful as ever as I entered the cafe later that morning. After forcing a smile at her and uttering a quiet 'good morning,' I put on my working apron and immediately stepped in front of the cash register to allow Kyo to take his break. It wasn't too busy today, and for that I was grateful. I was afraid that, because of the mood I was in, I would eventually lose my cool after dealing with too many customers.

"You wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?" Ushio asked me, passing by the front counter carrying several beverages in his arms. "Your hair's not as neat as it usually is, and your smile seems to be fading."

Before I could even think up an excuse, Ushio had already walked away to deliver the drinks to the customers who had ordered them. It was almost scary how easily these people could sense when something was wrong with me. There really was nothing that could get by them...

"Yesterday, you were babbling about something that was supposed to happen today," said Yuta. "I'm guessing...it's personal?"

Not wanting to give her a reply, I turned my head away shyly and looked at the ground. She seemed to get the message and stopped talking to me, which I didn't know whether to be disappointed or thankful for. It's probably best not to say anything at all, I told myself. As long as you can make it through today, everything will go back to normal.

+++

I didn't think I'd come home from work only to sit at my dining room table and stare at the clock...but here I am...

The hours seem to drag on longer than I thought I could bare. Yuta had texted me soon after I got home and gave me the directions to the ice skating rink, as well as what time I should be there. I took out my phone and read over the message several times to myself aloud.

Arinnion Ice Rink

Located on the Terra Boulevard, on the same street as the local post office. You've got a car, right? Be there at 8:00 p.m.. Ushio and I will have everything ready by then.

"Terra Boulevard, eh? What do you know, that's not too far from the cemetery..." I gently smacked myself on the face to clear my head. "Stop it, Morgan, you're still going to keep both of your promises. You're going to that ice rink, and you're going to that cemetery. Focus on one thing at a time, got it?"

The clock now read 6:07 p.m.. Normally, I would be eating dinner around this time, but for some reason I had no appetite whatsoever. Food was the last thing I was concerned about...for once.

By the time 6:30 came around, I was beginning to lose patience with myself. I needed to find something to do. Something to occupy my time. Anything. I took out my phone and unlocked it, soon finding Seraph sitting on top of my calculator icon, waving his legs back and forth as he usually did. A smile appeared on his face as he noticed I was looking at him.

"Hey, Morgan. How ya makin' out?"

"I'm managing," I told him, glancing to the side. "I'm in desperate need of some sort of activity to pass the time. Any ideas?"

"Have you tried counting sheep?"

"Seraph, I'm not trying to go to sleep here."

"....ya wanna color me a picture?"

"How old do you think I am?"

"I actually do not know the answer to that question," he said, shrugging. "Twenty, maybe?"

"Twenty-five," I corrected him.

"Ya look good for your age, carrot-top."

I released a tiresome sigh. "You're not really helping my dilemma..."

"Sorry. I've never really been good at helping people with their problems..." Seraph was silent for a little while, up until the point where he jumped up suddenly, bumping his head against the icon above him. "Ah, freakin' mother of.....titans...shoot, that's gonna leave a mark..."

I narrowed my eyes at him questioningly.

"Don't judge me," he muttered. "I've got an idea of something you can do. How about...you tell me...a story about Suri?"

"You must have hit your head too hard..." I said bitterly, placing my finger over the button to turn my phone off.

"H-hey, wait! Don't do tha-!"

As soon as the screen went black, I slipped my phone into my pocket and lay my head down on the table. "I guess it's back to staring at the clock..."

+++

7:45 p.m.

I estimated it would take approximately fifteen minutes to get to Terra Boulevard, so I figured now would be a good time to leave the house. Due to having skipped two meals in a row, my stomach was growling at me, yet I still didn't feel like eating anything. I did my best to ignore it and instead got in my car and set my course for the Arinnion Ice Rink.

There weren't many cars on the road tonight. The lights that lined the sidewalks seemed dimmer then usual. For the first time in what seemed like forever, Aobasani was...quiet. It was rather unsettling, to be honest, but there was nothing I could do about it...so I ignored it.

Soon enough the ice rink came into view. After parking my car behind Ushio's, I dragged myself out of the driver's seat and trudged with heavy footsteps to the door. The giant sign above the door was unlit, which usually meant that the rink was closed. However, there was another sign that was taped to the glass window that read:

This ice rink has been rented out. If you have not been authorized or invited by Ushio Zalia, please come back tomorrow.

"I guess that means I can come in..."

The second I opened the door and stepped inside, I found Kyo sitting on a foldable chair with his arms and legs crossed, a fedora covering his eyes as he snored soundly. I took a brief look around the place but couldn't find Ushio or Yuta anywhere. So I poked Kyo to wake him up.

"Nn...huh, w-...?" His head fell slightly to the side before he awoke to a start, taking in a sharp breath and holding it as he saw me standing over him. "Oh, it's just you. G'morning."

"It's 8:00 at night," I sighed, gently hitting him over the head. "More importantly, where are Ushio and Yuta?"

"Pretty sure they're getting changed in the restrooms," he replied. "They told me to wait here until you arrived. Guess I dozed off..."

"Morgan!!"

I spun around at the sound of my voice being called and soon discovered Ushio waving at me from a distance with a big smile on his face. He looked...very different. In a good way, I mean. His hair was combed back so that not a single strand was on his forehead, and he was also wearing a fancy-looking suit. I waved back to him and called out, "Ya look great, Ushio!"

"Yeah, I thought I looked pretty sexy! What do you think, Kyo?!"

"Oh, you're so full of it!" Kyo snapped, though he didn't sound angry in the slightest. In fact, he appeared to be fighting back a smile.

"Yuta should be done soon," Ushio said as he walked up to us. "So, Morgan, what do you think of this place? The rink itself is a decent size, wouldn't you agree? Apparently this place used to sponsor local ice skating competitions, so that's why they have a piano here. Pretty convenient, isn't it? I even managed to get in a little practice before I got here."

"That's good...I guess," I said. "I've never heard you play the piano before. Are you any good?"

"Decent," he laughed, glancing at Kyo for some reason. "Anyway, I should probably go tell Yuta to hurry up."

"No need."

Speak of the devil...wait, no, that sounds rude...

Yuta was running toward us now, wearing a very elegant black skating dress along with a pair of black tights. There was (what I assumed to be) a plastic rose pinned on one side of the dress, close to her shoulder, and the color of that rose matched perfectly with the crimson ice skates she was holding by the laces.

"H-...happy birthday, Yuta..."

Yuta smiled warmly at me as she leaned forward to plant a kiss on my cheek. She mouthed a 'thank you' before turning her back to me and grabbing her brother's arm, then making her way over to the rink. Once she let go of her brother, Ushio continued to walk straight towards the piano on the other side of the rink. By the time he had taken a seat on the piano bench, Yuta had already finished fastening the laces of her skates and was now skating out toward the center of the rink. The two siblings looked at Kyo and I, then at each other.

"In celebration of my sister's 25th birthday, Yuta and I would like to put on a performance for you guys," Ushio announced. "We hope you enjoy."

A few seconds after these words were spoken, Ushio placed his hands gently over the piano keys and began to press them slowly yet in perfect sync with the movements Yuta had begun to make. As she sped up, the music sped up. She stretched out her arms and lifted them high above her head, then returned them to her side as she skated back and forth, her skates creating a faint scraping sound against the ice as she moved. With a graceful kick of her foot, Yuta made her dress spin along with her as she lowered her body, just barely avoiding contact with the ice. She lifted herself up and once again began to skate along the outer parts of the rink, circling one full time before returning to the center.

"She's beautiful...isn't she?"

Kyo's comment caught me off guard, and I stared at him as he got up from his seat to join me beside the rink. "What's with that look?" He asked me. "You think so, too, don't you? Don't lie to me. I know how you feel about her."

"You couldn't possibly," I blurted, quickly averting his gaze.

"Why're you denying it?" Kyo raised an eyebrow as he shot me a curious glance, as if he was genuinely confused by my behavior. "Just listen to that beautiful music Ushio is playing. He's humble when it comes to his talents, believe it or not. That man is something else, I'm telling ya...and his sister...well, don't even get me started. She's been doing this since she was a little girl. But you know how it was...Yuta and Ushio were miserable people after their parents died. He hated playing the piano...and she hated ice skating. But look at them now...Ushio seems so happy while he's playing, and Yuta...Yuta looks brighter than a child's face on Christmas morning. Do you know why she's like that?"

"It's because of Hanako...right?"

"Not just him," Kyo sighed, shaking his head disappointedly. "Are you really that clueless? It's because of you, idiot."

I allowed my head to fall as my eyelids drooped. "But I haven't done anything..." I mumbled. "She's the one who saved me from a lifetime of misery...I've done nothing in return."

"Oh, stop that nonsense," Kyo scoffed. "You've had a bigger impact on her life than you can even imagine. Hanako may have been the one who put her on the right track, but you're the one responsible for taking her by the hand and bringing real happiness into her life. Without you...I can guarantee she wouldn't be the same girl you see today."

What...what is he saying? "I don't believe you..."

"Look at her."

"I can't!" I don't know what came over me, but I couldn't control my own voice.

Kyo seized my arm and spun me around, a serious expression now plastered on his once kind looking face. "Why is that? Why can't you look at her?" He said in a demanding tone. "Don't tell me you're hiding something from us again?"

No...stop this now...I don't like this. "Let go of me, Kyo."

"She's going to skate by us any second now..." He whispered. "When she does, I want you to look into her eyes and tell me what you see."

"No..." My voice was beginning to waver now as memories of yesterday gradually began to resurface in my mind. "I can't...look into her eyes."

"Here she comes..."

Slowly and reluctantly I lifted my head, eyes opening wide and just managing to catch a glimpse of Yuta as she flew by us. I hadn't meant to make eye contact...but I had no control of myself at all at this point. And just from that one glimpse...that one smile she gave me as our eyes met...that was all it took.

It was as if my heart had been punctured by a thousand needles, and the fountain of tears inside of me erupted like a volcano. My mind was instantly flooded by memories of my wife and those beautiful green eyes of hers...the ones that matched Yuta's almost perfectly. The eyes that had once been filled with kindness, compassion, and love...the eyes that had watched my every movement on the day of our wedding...the eyes that belonged to the woman I loved above all else. Those emerald green eyes that I would never...ever forget.

"Morgan?"

Kyo's eyes were wide open as he stared at me, looking more confused than he ever had before. "H-hey! Why the heck are you crying?!"

"S-Suri...." I barely managed to speak her name without wanting to run out of the room as fast as I could. "Suri is...I-...I can't do this any longer..."

"Who's Suri?" Kyo asked, shaking my shoulders violently as if that would get my attention. "Morgan!"

"Tears continued to stream down my face as I desperately tried to find the right words to say. I was already a complete wreck, so I figured it didn't matter what I said anymore. "I give up...I need to go speak with my wife..."

"Your...what?"

"Kyo! What's going on over there?" Ushio called, the music he was playing slowly coming to a stop. "Is Morgan alright?"

Yuta had stopped, too. She was now standing still as a statue, her expression now filled with fear. "What's...what's wrong with Morgan?"

"I don't know!" Kyo shouted in frustration. "Morgan, come on, you need to work with us, here!"

"I need to go see her now..." I sobbed. "...before the day is done, I need to see my wife..."

"So I did hear you right," Kyo said under his breath. "You...you have a wife..."

"Had. She...she died...exactly three years ago...three years from today."

I hadn't noticed them walk up, but apparently Yuta and Ushio were now standing nearby, listening to me force these words out through the tears. "I don't believe it..." Ushio whispered. "Morgan, why didn't you say anything?"

"I couldn't!" I yelled, looking up at him with trembling eyes. "If you lost the one you loved, would you go around telling everybody?!"

"Morgan, I'm sorry-"

"Save it," I said bitterly. "It's not like she's the only one I lost that day. I had the opportunity of being a father for a few minutes. My son...my son, Hiro...died within the same hour as my wife."

"So that's why you chose that name..."

I looked up at Yuta and watched as a single tear ran down her cheek. "You said you've always liked that name...it was because...of your son..."

After hearing her say that in such a sorrowful tone, I couldn't bare it anymore. I had to get out of this place before I lost my mind and started saying things that might hurt her feelings. So I ran as fast as I could out the doors of the building and took off down the sidewalk, leaving my three friends behind me without even thinking twice about it. My tears only seemed to flow harder the further I got from them, almost as if I had been unconsciously holding them in until now.

Even as I heard Yuta calling my name, I didn't stop running. There was no way I could turn back. Not after what they had just found out. They knew everything now. She knew everything. The barrier I had been keeping up ever since Suri died had finally been broken...and I just didn't know how to feel about that. I thought I was strong enough to protect my own identify. I thought I was brave enough to keep my own secrets. But it turned out I was wrong...I was so very, very wrong.

Before I knew it, I had run so far away that I didn't even know where I was anymore. Not a single car was passing by, and the street lamps seemed even dimmer than before. I felt so alone. And since being alone was one of my greatest fears, I cried even more. I sat down on an empty bench just outside a closed corner store and watched as my tears landed on the palms of my hands. I clenched my fists tightly as I turned to lay down on the bench. There were no people around...so I wasn't afraid of the public seeing me. I was afraid of being found...by her. I thought that if I looked into her eyes even one more time, I might end up hating myself.

"It's just not fair..." I whispered aloud, my shaky breath visible in the cold air. "I don't understand why this is all happening to me. Why have I done to deserve this? First it was Hanako who left me, then Suri and Hiro...who will it be next? Can't I just be given a break? Am I not allowed to be happy?"

Complete and utter silence. I must have gone even farther than I thought, because in Aobasani, a quiet night was rarer than a blue moon. My breathing was becoming more ragged by the second, and I thought for sure that the cold wind would freeze up my tears.

"I need to be getting to the cemetery soon..." I told myself. "Before it gets too late...I can't break this tradition just because I'm in a bad mood. First, I need to get flowers...ah, but most of the flower shops are probably closed by now. And Suri's picture, it's..." I frowned at the realization it was back at my house. "That's no good...what'll I do now?" Suddenly it dawned on me that I still had my phone in my pocket. I could use one of the pictures I had of her in my photo library. It wasn't quite as good as a photograph in a picture frame, but it was something. "I guess I should just keep walking...until I find the cemetery. I mean, it's gotta be here somewhere...right? Ah, maybe I should ask Seraph..."

It didn't take long for me to consider that was a bad idea. Last time I spoke to Seraph, I was very cold to him. He probably wouldn't want to help me now. I'll just have to find it on my own...

+++

There it was. After nearly an hour of wandering around the city, I had finally come across the cemetery where my wife and child were buried. However there was one problem.

"I've finally found you, Morgan."

Yuta was standing by the cemetery's gates, her arms crossed and making it look as though she had been waiting there for a while. I wanted to turn around and run away again, but this time, I couldn't. I couldn't go home without visiting the gravestone.

"Are you happy with yourself?" I said breathlessly, rubbing my eye with the back of my hand. "You found me. So what are you going to do now? Reprimand me?"

"Reprimand you?" Yuta gazed into my eyes with a look that immediately made weighed down my heart with guilt. "Morgan, the only thing I want to do right now is hug you until you stop crying. Won't you let me do that? For both of our sakes?"

"I've caused you too much trouble already," I whimpered, taking small steps towards the cemetery and hoping that Yuta wouldn't grab on to me. "I've lied to you countless times...so why are you still here? You should just go home, Yuta."

"But Morgan-"

"I said go home!!"

"I won't!" She shouted back. "I won't leave until I know you'll be okay!"

"I'll never be okay..."

"Well, then it looks like I'm never going to leave."

Everything about her just seemed...unreal. She was unbelievably persistent. Her words, though few, were more than enough to find their way into my heart and remain there...like a stain I just couldn't get rid of, no matter how hard I tried. I took one step further, but she stuck her arm out to stop me.

"Let me go in there, Yuta," I ordered, but she didn't do as much as flinch.

"On one condition," she said, taking in a deep breath. "You have to let me go with you. I want you to introduce me to your wife. I want to hear everything you were planning on saying to her tonight."

My eyes grew wide as Yuta pulled me into a hug, pressing her hand against the back of head as she held me with care. "I don't intend on letting you run away from me again," she whispered. "Believe it or not, I'm terrified right now. I'm terrified of losing you. You're too important to me, Morgan. Whatever happened in the past, I'm willing to help you cope. Just...forget about that date we went on yesterday, alright? You were in love with someone else the entire time, and that's okay..."

"Yeah, but you're not okay."

That's what I wanted to say, that is. But leave it to me to screw things up. Here Yuta was, putting aside her feelings to make me feel better, but unknowingly, she was only making things worse. Unbearably worse...

I have to clear things up once and for all...before Yuta slips away from me.

"Yuta...do you really want to visit my wife's grave with me?" I asked quietly.

"Yes," she replied immediately, holding me closer to her now.

"Then I guess...follow me..."