All The "Sorry"'s I Never Said (1)

Joon-woo nervously fidgeting with his hands as he sat in the same office he had just a week or so ago. He sat at a chair across from a desk, a desk that had Producer Jang-Soo sitting behind it. 

Joon-woo looked at the carpeted floor for some sort of anxiety relief as Producer Jang-Soo pulled out a sticky note and pen. 

After a moment of the Producer writing, he suddenly gave the sticky note for Joon-woo to read. It took all Joon-woo had to not flinch at the sudden movement.

Joon-woo hesitantly took the note. It read:

Mi Yong, Jung Hyun-Ok, Reggie Lee, Baek Du-Ho, Ryeo Hyun

Joon-woo looked up from the note, confused. Why were his friend's names on this? And why was his and Bo Jaesang's missing? "What– what is this?" Joon-woo cautiously asked.

Producer Jang-Soo sighed, "I really did push for you, Joon-woo. You brought quite the views."

Joon-woo's brows furrowed as he racked his brain for what Producer Jang-Soo meant. 

The people on the list were all popular, good-looking, talented, and from big companies. Joon-woo narrowed his eyes, he thought back to his days as Ha-rin, how the survival shows went in her timeline. 

Then it hit him, straight in the chest and Joon-woo pursed his lips with his gaze darkening.

"This is…" Joon-woo began, emotional turmoil beating at his chest. "The final line up?" 

Producer Jang-Soo nodded. 

Of course. Of f*cking course. He should've known from the moment he named himself an independent trainee, an ex-Sunrise trainee, this would come about. He should've known. 

"Did they… pay you off?" Joon-woo asked. This was how survival shows worked, how could he forget? The final line up was always decided by how much bribe the producers get. That's how it was, and big companies loved to do such.

Producer Jang-Soo raised an eyebrow and a smile crossed his face. He was amused, "Aren't you quite the insider?"

Joon-woo clenched his fists, "Did they?" He knew he was being disrespectful, he knew it well, but how could anyone take this news well?

He had busted his ass trying to fix his dance, trying to maintain a clean, kind and cutesy image, he had coughed up blood, had panic attacks in the bathrooms, gotten hit and grabbed and hurt. This was one thing he didn't miss about the industry, how easy it was for your goodwork to waste over a few extra bucks.

"If I said 'yes', what would you do?" Producer Jang-Soo hummed.

Joon-woo stopped. What would he do? He didn't know, really, he was just angry. He knew it was too distrusting and too boring, but he had really really tried to make and keep friends this time around. Would it all go to waste? 

And Bo Jaesang, how would he feel knowing this? Would he cry, yell? 

And Kite. What would Kite do if he knew Joon-woo wasn't to debut. Would Kite kill him, finish what Ha-rin couldn't all those months ago? Would Ha-rin take her spot in Heaven or hell or wherever she was destined? 

His mind was a mess. 

"Just tell me, please, it'll be closure." He replied after moments of silence. 

Producer Jang-Soo sighed, "Yeah. Quite the price." 

"They didn't bribe you to pass Bo Jaesang?" Joon-woo continued, well over the line at this point. 

Producer Jang-Soo scoffed, "Why would they?"

Joon-woo stiffened. Bo Jaesang could sing, dance, and do it all. Granted he wasn't particularly the best at anything, he was okay at everything. Recalling all the effort Bo Jaesang put in, Joon-woo frowned. 

"...Okay." Joon-woo replied, his mind practically mellowed out with thoughts. "Then I'll take my leave." He quietly hummed, standing as calmly as he could. But truthfully, his hands were shaking and his gaze was spinning, he was enraged.

Producer Jang-Soo nodded, "Do me a favor, though." 

The words stopped Joon-woo in his tracks. Was this mottherf*cker really asking for more?

"SOUND Entertainment, have you ever thought of trying there?" The Producer continued. "It would really be a shame for that voice of yours to go to waste."

Joon-woo glared at the Producer. Wasn't that the most arrogant thing ever? Joon-woo wouldn't debut here because of this guy's greed. And SOUND Entertainment had already scouted him, they were probably waiting for him to fail out of this show. 

"No, no, they've probably scouted you already…" Producer Jang-Soo muttered to himself, "Still, I'd like to be a producer for you in the future, you listen well." 

Joon-woo huffed, "Just… Stop talking…" 

"No, no! I'm serious! They'd do you well at SOUND Entertainment. You have the fanbase and the voice and even the ability to queerbait well." Producer Jang-Soo spoke, slightly teasing.

Joon-woo shook his head, "I'm taking my leave." 

And with that, he exited the office. Really, was Producer Jang-Soo insane? Blackmailing him into queerbaiting, taking bribes that otherwise left him out of the final line up, but then asking him to continue pursuing an idol career? 

He was upset, angry, every emotion in the book. Really, why was life so unfair? He thought Park Joon-woo to be at least a little luckier than Ha-rin. Really, couldn't he die in peace now? Wasn't that Park Joon-woo's original want just as much as it was Ha-rin's? 

Kite. Where was that stupid bird? Kite. Kite. Kite. Joon-woo's thoughts began to lose any order. Couldn't that bird finally kill him? Take him out right here? Joon-woo didn't care if it was the most painful thing he ever experienced, he just wanted out. 

He couldn't continue to the end of the show knowing this information, he couldn't. He couldn't do anything. He didn't want to do anything. He wanted to sleep and never ever wake up again. He wanted to die forreal this time, none of this idol bullshit.

"Joon-woo?"

He wanted nothing to do with this… Nothing… Nothing at all…

"Joon-woo!"

Someone picked him up… from the ground? When did he even fall? Really… Where was this stupid bird? Kite. Kite. Kite. Where was it…?

"Kite… Is that you?"

"Hey– hey what are you saying?!"

'Hah, just kill me already… Just let me die…' Joon-woo wasn't sure if he actually moved his mouth or spoke or if he was actually conscious. All he knew was that he was quite tired.