War Times

August 15, 1413

My dearest

I wish you all the best and hope you are well. The weather has been a challenge but the men are keeping up their good spirit. I feel like I am well fitted for my position and have only been given promising words thus far. You know I cannot tell you where we are if the letter is intercepted but know that for now I am out of harm's way and you need not to worry about me.

I have to keep short otherwise this letter will not be sent until next week. Please know that I long for you constantly. Keep me in your prayers like you are in mine.

With all my love,

Edmund

October 5 1413

My dearest

I hope you are well. Thank you for your letter and the flower. I keep it in my coat pocket so it is always with me wherever I go. Do not worry about me getting hurt about you being summoned by the King. It does not please me that you were sharing his bed, especially not when I was not at court, but I know you were only doing your duty. You are the most captivating woman at court and I would be a fool to believe that Your Majesty would not want you by his side. As long as I know that I am in your heart I shall be a happy man.

The conditions have altered since I last wrote you. The rain has come and it has been difficult. I almost can't write you since the paper is too wet and the letters keep getting destroyed. I try to keep my spirits up but it is getting more difficult than I could have imagined. The only thing that does lift my spirits these days is the memory of you. If I close my eyes I can see your face so clearly. I can recall your sweet perfume. I hope my memory won't let me down until I can touch you again.

I miss you my love. I am praying as often I can for your health and our reunion.

With all my love

Edmund

November 11

My love

I cannot spare many moments but I wanted to let you know I am well. Please know I think of you always. You are my only light in this horrid darkness.

December 22 1413

My dearest

I am sorry I have not written. Did you reply to my letter? If you did it has been lost in the chaos. I miss your words and I miss you terribly. I am trying to be strong but it is getting impossible. I never pictured war this way. It is dark and so many men die around me. The only thing you smell here is urine and rotting corpses. Andrew who I spoke to on a few occasions was killed in battle yesterday. He was a butcher and had a wife and an infant waiting for him in Liverpool. I cannot stop thinking of his child.

Last night I dreamt of you. It felt so very real. When I woke up on the damp floor of our tent and realised you were not there I wanted to scream. I want to feel you in my arms again. I want to get out of here.

Please keep me in your prayers. Take care of yourself until we meet again and Happy Christmas.

With all my love

Edmund

Windsor Castle, Berkshire

January 1414

I let the words fill my mind and read the letter once more. I want to get out of here. The short seven word sentence makes my heart beat faster and not in the good way. I put the note on the table and see that my palms are sweating. Suddenly a crippling fear wash over me and the strong conviction I had felt only a few minutes ago of us being reunited now feels like miles away. He has not even received my letter, I think in despair. The word around court was of glorious victories but Edmund's letters paints everything but a splendid existence. It actually terrifies me.

"What is it?"

I blink and realise Sophie is still sitting on the chair across from me.

"Forgive me, your brother is well. It's getting difficult, being separated for so long."

Since Edmund left for France, Sophie and I had almost instantly become close friends. As Edmund had arranged, she is the one who sends the letters I write Edmund and receivs the once Edmund sends to me. She is the only other person who knows what is happening between us and when we begin to confide in each other we quickly become inseparable. With the only two friends of mine at court off at war it is comforting to find a companion in Sophie.

Court under Queen Mary's rule is quiet and mellow which these days reflects my mood too well. She has strategically moved us to a less central, but very grand, palace which I only spent a few weeks at during my first Christmas at court. If something was to happen during the war and things would turn bad for us, it was safer to not be in London. Even if England continued to walk victorious out of most battles, the war weighed heavy on the entire court and you could tell what everyone was truly thinking. When would the men return? Would they ever return?

If it was not for Sophie I would not have smiled for months. She is sweet but also wise beyond her years. Often it feels like she has lived and seen much more than I. Before she came back to England she had spent nearly three years at the Spanish court. The riveting tales from this apparent exotic country was one of the few things which distracted me from the horrors Edmund was facing. Still, I had a constant ache in my bones like a limb had been ripped clean off and sometimes I believed it to be true.

Edmund's letter has left me with a tightness in my chest and I urgently need to get out of the castle.

"Do you want to go for a ride?"

When we're in the forest I push my horse into a full gallop and the wind whipping my face gives me a faint sense of liberty. Sophie is screaming something from far back but I do not hear what it is. I want to continue to be free and wild for a while longer. He will endure. He promised me he would return to me. There is no other option. When the horse pants as heavily as me, I turn back towards the palace in a slow pace. When I see Sophie she is trying to keep her horse steady with a stern look on her face.

"Why did you go off like that? It's not safe in these woods."

"I'm sorry. Let's get back to the palace."

On our way back we remain silent, both occupied with our own thoughts. The knot in my stomach is not as big as before but somehow I feel empty in the same way I had during those first days after Edmund left.

When we come back to the stables, I excused myself and go back to the chapel. It was there Sophie had found me when the letter from Edmund was delivered. No wonder that she searched for me there. It is my only refuge but still it is not a refuge at all any longer.

"Please hear me dear Lord", I pray as I am once again on my sore knees. "Please Lord send him back to me. If he will not come back I cannot bear it. I will not survive. Please Lord keep him strong and safe in battle. I'm frightened for him, so very frightened. Please Lord send him back to me."

I close my eyes and as so many times before I see Edmund's smiling face and then I feel him wrapping his protective arms around me. I can even smell the sandalwood on his skin if I try hard enough. If I paint the picture vivid and often in my mind it may finally come true. It has to come true.

When I sit down next to Sophie in the great hall the same night for supper, I notice that an old man I have never seen before is speaking to Queen Mary. He has silver hair and looks like he has seen several battles during his lifetime. I wonder what is keeping him from France, when someone shouts that the Queen has an announcement. Something about her dead face makes my stomach freeze.

"I know I am speaking for all of us when I say that we all want our men to come home. We want our King back."

She looks around at the women, children and older men that have been left behind, powerless and frustrated by the notion that it does not matter what we do. Our husbands, relatives and sons will still keep dying. Sometimes I wonder how the world will look like without men's idiotic wars over power, land or simply for glory.

"I have just gotten some disturbing news from France", she continues and I feel the panic washing over me. "We have lost the battle of Paris. Our troops had to retreat but I need you all to remember that England is still strong and we will survive this."

At her words, I am sure my heart will stop beating. The hurt and uncertainty is too much to bear. I will fall dead to the ground and it will finally all be over. For a moment I feel relief. In death, I will be free from the worry, the heartache and the constant thoughts that I am letting everyone down by being so weak.

"We have lost good men. Too many great men, but I am certain we will rise up stronger, more powerful than ever, and the french will wish they never challenged us."

The Queen raise her glass and after a few moments, people follow. With shaky hands, I take my glass and somehow after the salute, as I am lowering it to have a drink I instead managed to get red wine all over my golden gown. In that moment, the Queen's eyes find me in the crowd but as always it is impossible to read her. Is she as strong and fierce as she appears to be or is it all a well crafted facade to merely make it seem like she is holding all the power? Whatever it is I am insanely envious of her.

I feel someone grab a hold of my hand and as I look up I stare into Sophie's wondering eyes.

"Is everything alright? Let me help you with your gown before it stains."

Forcefully I shake my head and excuse myself before she can ask me anything else. Back in my chambers, the thoughts spinning in my head starts to eat me up. This was the first time the Queen officially has spoken about a setback in the war. We have lost good men. I have a hard time breathing as I realise Edmund might be one of those good men.

Rarely did we hear of wounded or dead Lords but the common soldiers appeared to be falling one by one. It is not uncommon to see a chambermaid weeping in a corner for her husband, father or brother. I watch them from a distance but can never bring myself to comfort them. The sight of them make me sick to my stomach and more than once I have sent my distressed handmaids away so I myself have to prepare my bath, cloth myself or pour my own wine. These days I prefer the solitude. Even if it forces me to be alone with my thoughts, it is better than listening to the pain of others.