Chapter 3: Last Resort

I lied to Blake.

Going back out there was the very last thing I wanted to do. I was tired of putting on a strong front and pretending like nothing was wrong. My entire life was ruined in an instant, and the person at fault was probably out there right now. There was no way Alex was going to receive any sort of punishment today, not when he's the Beta Apparent. More important than anything was keeping the entire pack happy. I wasn't anyone special.

For a while I laid curled up in bed, just listening to the sounds of the pack below. But random aches and pains would randomly spasm through my body, making it way too uncomfortable to lie still, so I eventually got up and used the tree close to my window to escape into the forest. Using the front door was basically walking straight into the thick of the party, and I didn't want anyone–namely the Alpha or Elder Samson–to see me leave.

The moon was full, a very auspicious day for an 18th birthday, and the forest was well lit by the moonlight. Staying well within the pack borders I walk around until I could no longer bear the pain my body was going through. It was a strange pain I had never felt before, as if my body was at war with itself, and seemed to come from my chest. When I touch the spot where Alex's Mark was, I realize it's burning hot and inflamed.

I didn't even notice when the tears began to fall. One moment I was walking, and the next I was curled up against a tree sobbing my heart out. Not even the soothing moonlight helped.

Midnight was when the Goddess' powers peaked. It was why we celebrated 18th birthdays at night, why we shifted and searched for our Mate at that hour. And on the full moon her powers doubled. It would be practically impossible to not feel the pull of a Mate, no matter how far they were. No matter if they were Marked by someone else or not.

He felt it as strongly as I did. Minutes after midnight I hear the soft pad of his approaching footsteps, and curl tighter into myself. Half of me refused to accept what was happening. I wanted the entire day to be a dream and any moment I would wake up to find out it was still the morning of his birthday.

I didn't lift my head even though I knew he was standing right in front of me. I could feel the warmth of his breath on my skin, ruffling my hair. He whined once, very softly, but I couldn't move. More tears just stream from my eyes. The sound of him shifting reached my ears, and then his hands found their way to my face as he lifted my head up. My eyes lock with his, the moonlight easily reflecting the sadness with the hazel that made them seem greener than usual. A sob hitched in my throat. I want to look away but am locked in place. It felt so good, yet everything hurt so much.

"Robin." He breathed. "Oh, Robin…"

"I'm sorry. I'msorryI'msorryI'msorry–"

"Shh, it's okay." He pulled me into his arms and held my head to his chest, rocking slowly back and forth as I cried. "It's not your fault, Robin. It's not, so don't apologize ever."

We stay like that for a long while as I cry. It seemed like a torrent of endless tears with no end in sight, and Blake held me through it all. But eventually the tears slowed down and came to a stop. I was suddenly hit with the realization that Blake was butt naked and tried to pull away as my cheeks heated, but he didn't let me move too far from him.

"Ar–Are you…okay?"

I shake my head miserably. "Just do it. Get it over with."

"What do you mean?"

"I can't be your Mate, Blake! The pack would never accept me anyways and this stupid Mark would just make things more difficult for you." I try to push him away but he was too strong. "You deserve someone better. Someone worthy to stand next to you as Luna."

"No one is more worthy than you Robin, that's why the Goddess chose you."

I take a deep breath. "If you had a choice, you would never choose me. You're not even gay."

He had no response for that. In its own way, that hurt, but it was nothing compared to everything else in my life.

"Choose Stella to be your Luna. She hasn't found her Mate yet, right? Her birthday was last month but she's still your girlfriend. Nobody would complain about that."

"Robin, I stopped caring about her the moment I felt the pull–"

"I'm tainted, Blake. You can't choose me. What are you going to do, huh? Ignore Alex's Mark?" I laugh incredulously as a thought hit me. "You're going to have me as your Mate and him as your Beta? What's that going to be like?"

His grip on my arms tightened as he shook me lightly. "We'll fucking figure it out, Robin, goddammit! Why are you giving up already?"

I was tired. I just wanted to be left alone. I don't even want a Mate anymore. I just want peace.

"Because I'm leaving." I whisper resolutely.

Finally Blake let me go. "What? What the fuck does that mean?"

"I'm leaving the pack." The more I thought about it, the better it sounded and the more determined I became. "I'm going rogue."

"You're not fucking leaving me, Robin."

"Yes I am." I look him straight in the eyes. "I can't reject you since I'm not eighteen yet. You have to do it."

"Well I'm not going to." He looked away and finally let me go, crossing his arms.

"That's not going to stop me. Are you going to leave your pack to chase after me?"

I could see the conflict and anger clear in his eyes. He didn't want to let me go but he wouldn't leave his pack. That gave him very few choices to make.

"I can fucking take you with me right now." He growled. "Lock you up and fucking keep you here. With me."

"So we can both be miserable?" I put my hand on his arm and give him a pleading look. "Blake please. If you want to help me, this is the best way. I really am sorry. I'm sorry I'm not a worthy Mate for you. No one in the pack will be happy with me as your Luna. They'll never listen to me, and they might lose respect for you. With Stella, you can have all that and more. Go be happy with her."

His eyes shone with unshed tears. "What in Goddess' name happened to you Robin?"

I shake my head. "More than you'll ever know."

"What'd he do to you?" He whispered, pushing his forehead against mine.

"Don't worry about all that okay?" I whisper back. "Just set me free from it all. Please?"

His eyes closed and a single tear slid down his cheek. "I'm so, so sorry Robin."

I pull him into a hug and bury my face in the side of his neck, relishing in the warmth of my true Mate and burning his scent to memory. It was probably going to be the last time I ever felt this. I wish I could stay. I wanted to stay. I wanted my Mate.

But I want my peace more than anything else.

"I have to go, Blake." I murmur a while later. "While it's still nighttime."

"Right." He cleared his throat and looked away to wipe his face. "I–what do you need me to do? Do you have everything you need already? W-where's your motorcycle?"

"I just came up with the idea, Blake." I sigh. "I have to get all my stuff still. My bike is in a safe place."

"Okay, okay. Shit–sorry. I didn't mean to sound accusatory."

I stand up and he joined me. "It's alright."

He blew out a breath and scrubbed the top of his head in frustration. "What now?"

"I…I guess this is goodbye."

"Yeah…" He stared at me for a long second, then suddenly pulled me into his arms and kissed me.

It was…everything I thought a kiss should be and more. Every bit of pain I felt disappeared almost instantly as the feeling of his lips on mines took over my every sense. It was absolute heaven. We kissed and kissed some more. Tears streamed down my face but we ignored the salty taste. For just a moment it made me reconsider what I wanted to do. If only it could be this way all the time…

But Alex was still an issue. A sobering thought that made me pull away from Blake. I almost fell apart when his eyes opened and he looked at me with longing. His hands were still on my waist, tightening as if he wanted to pull me back into his embrace.

"I would've accepted you fully, Robin." He said huskily. "You know I don't want to do this."

The pain in my chest returned, reminding me that it didn't matter, and I smile sadly. "I know. Thank you."

"You have to go." He released me and took a step back. "Now."

I stand there for a minute, unable to resist the pull I felt towards Blake. My faith in the Goddess wavered. How could she allow something like this to happen? Mateship was a joyous union creating a special bond between two people that transcended mortality. It felt like my existence meant nothing to the Goddess. Maybe it did. I wasn't supposed to be born with a wolf spirit. Mines is borrowed, on happenstance. My punishment was to have a Mate in someone I could never be with.

But why punish Blake as well?

"Usti…"

"I know."

Though it agonized me, I turn away from Blake and run back the way I came to the tree growing next to my window. It had one thick branch that grew away from the rest, just within close enough reach to my window. Often it was my saving grace that helped me escape from Alex. Most were still partying in the front, so it was easy for me to climb up without being seen.

"Alex, what the fuck?" I blurt out the moment I climb through the window.

He was sitting on my bed, looking down at something in his hands, but when he heard me he shot up and cleared his throat. I couldn't see him well from where I stood, but it seemed like he was wiping his face.

"Robin–uh, I didn't expect you to be back so soon." His tone was bewildered. "Wh-why are you back?"

I put my hands on my hips and give him a hard stare. "I have every right to be in my own damn room. You, however, do not. What the hell are you doing here?"

"Just…uh–"

"Are you touching my things?" I step forward and snatch whatever he was holding.

Oh.

It was a picture of us when we were kids, one I'd never seen before and didn't even remember being taken. Alex had his arm hooked around my shoulders, holding up the peace sign with a cheesy smile. I was smiling too, my eyes teary red and my hand linked with Blake's. He was on my other side, staring off in the distance with a moody look. We were really young, so it had to have been right after the raid. I'd forgotten how close Alex and I used to be. He was the one who used to comfort me when I got sad about my parents' death. Alex was the only one who was able to get me to smile.

How did we go from that…to this?

"Alex…"

"I was telling the truth, Robin." The moonlight made his eyes look almost gold as our gazes locked. "I love you."

My heart wrenched but I shake my head and hand the photo back. "I can't believe that, Alex. You don't treat me like you even care about me, let alone love me."

He grabbed my hands between his instead of taking the picture. "I know, believe me I know how badly I fucked up and I'm sorry. I–I didn't know how to deal with my feelings. I still don't. I wanted us to be happy together but I'd think about things and I'd get so angry. At some point things got too far and…and I didn't know how to stop and try to fix it."

"You could've started with actually telling me how you felt instead of trying to control me and abusing me into submission."

"You're right." He let me go and grabbed his head, his expression agonized. "I was afraid, Robin. You know how my father is. I was scared he was going to find out and…and I didn't know what he would do. Sometimes if I even breathed too loudly I'd get a bottle thrown at my head. Imagine what he would've done if he knew I was attracted to you, a man? What he would've done to you…"

My brow furrowed. That made an unsettling amount of sense. Alex's father was loudly anti-gay and hotheaded even before the death of his Mate and loss of his position. All he's done since then was drink and go mad with grief, turning his anger towards his son. Alex suffered long before he turned it on me. The actions he learned from the person who was supposed to love him, were the same ones he did to the person he loved. A pang shot through my heart. He was afraid and hurting. Same as me.

But that still didn't excuse what he did to me.

"I still can't forgive you, Alex." I whisper. "What you've done to me is inexcusable."

"I know that. But you're here now so–...so maybe this is my chance. Let me make it up to you, Robin. I can fix this, I know I can. My father is too old and drunk to do anything to either of us now. I'll beat his ass if he tries to hurt you. If you could just give me the opportunity to prove–"

"I'm leaving."

"...What?"

I couldn't look at him. The devastation was immediate and clear in his voice. I didn't want to see it in his face. Like he'd done to me, I was taking the last bit of hope he had.

"I'm going rogue. Tonight. Right now."

"I…Robin?" There was a thud and I turned to see that he had fallen to his knees. "Robin, what? You're leaving."

I take a deep breath, holding onto my resolve. "I can't be here anymore. I don't want to be here."

He shook his head slowly, his words barely loud enough to hear. "It's my fault."

Yeah. I knew it, he knew it. No point in stating the obvious. I look away, unable to think of anything else to say. It was silent for a long moment, then I hear small sniffles and turn back to Alex. He was crying. Like really crying. His shoulders were hunched and he was curled in on himself as if he were trying to hold it in but his body was shaking and I could hear him clear as day.

A part of me wanted to comfort him, but a bigger part was absolutely disgusted. Something about his sadness just really pissed me off. He didn't deserve to be sad.

"Don't allow your anger to blind you, Usti." Danny spoke up. "His pain does not negate yours. Your hurt does not negate his. He has fed the wolf of darkness for so long, that it is incredibly painful to face the bite of the wolf of light. Now is your chance to decide which one you will feed."

"Neither. Let them starve."

I left Alex on the floor to begin packing my things. There was only so much time left before dawn and I wanted to be long gone by then. At this point Alex was only wasting my time.

"Your choices feed them. It is unavoidable…"

Danny said that and went silent. I didn't really care about what he had to say. As wise as he was, he wasn't the one going through my suffering. It was a burden on me and me alone.

At some point Alex had stopped crying and joined me in packing. I didn't know how but somehow he knew exactly what I wanted to bring with me. All my favorite outfits and memorabilia. When we finished, he gave me the bag with a sad smile.

"I understand why you're doing this Robin. I won't try to stop you. I just hope that one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me."

I look away, unable to answer. Honestly I didn't think I had it in me to forgive him. It wouldn't matter much even if I did.

"I want you to have this." He said quietly.

It was the picture, which I hadn't even realized I'd dropped, and underneath it was a wad of cash. When I looked at him questioningly he just shrugged.

"I was going to leave it in here for you anyways, to cover the cost of the suit and then some. I know it was a lot, making you dip into your parents' savings. With everything coming up I just…got a little crazy. I know it won't make up for Marking you, but at least it'll help you out while you find your footing out there."

"Alex…"

"Just–don't lose that picture okay?" He gave me a half smile and a shrug. "It's my most prized possession."

My eyes burn as I nod. "Okay."

He held my gaze for a long moment, then looked away with a deep sigh. "You should probably go."

"Yeah. Bye, Alex."

"Goodbye Robin."

I hitch my bags onto my shoulder and went towards the window, throwing them over onto the ground below. Just before I hop over, I glance back at Alex one last time. He was looking at me with longing but the moment our eyes locked he shook his head and his expression hardened.

"What are you doing? Get the hell out of here, you useless little shit. Go, and don't come back."

Even though I knew he was doing it to make it easier on the both of us, giving me a chance to leave with no regrets, it still hurt. I set my jaw and climb out. As soon as I hit the ground, I hear my window slam shut and my chest tightened. It was final. I was leaving the pack forever.

Tears threatened to fall but I suck it up, grab my bags, and head into the forest. I couldn't be weak. From here on out I was going to be on my own and life as a rogue was not an easy one. Not only would I have to watch out for other rogues, but for the territories of other packs and their patrols. No one took kindly to rogues, even lone ones.

As soon as I reached my bike, still in the exact same place I'd left it before, a loud mournful howl pierced the air. Along with it came an abrupt pain that felt like I'd just gotten hit by a car. I fell to my knees and wheezed, clutching my chest. All the air in my lungs disappeared and I couldn't catch a breath. It felt like I was being torn in two.

Blake finally rejected me. I was wondering when it was going to happen, and I guess feeling the pull move farther away alerted him that I was really leaving. He respected my wishes, and was forcefully ending our bond. If he hadn't, the bond that formed between us the moment he received his inheritance would've demanded we be together. We both would've lived in agony longing to be with each other. I knew he was in the same pain I felt. I could feel it as our bond ripped apart. It seemed to take hours, but it was really only minutes.

When it finally passed I was breathless, my face covered in tears. I took a moment to compose myself, then hitched my bags onto my bike and began walking towards the main road. Another howl reached me. Alex. I grit my teeth and push on.

I finally reach the main road but I hesitate. Is this what the Oracle meant? Do I really want this? Was losing my Mate what they meant by paying a price?

Was this really the right thing to do?

"Your fate is always in your hands, usti." Danny murmured. "The moment you pass the territory line, you will be rogue. Is this truly what you want?"

I laugh bitterly. "Of course not. Why would I willingly choose this if there was another option? I will never be happy in that pack."

"Then whether it is right or wrong shouldn't matter. You must do as you will in order to achieve your desires."

He was right but I didn't like it. Call it intuition, but I knew I was on the right path even if it felt wrong. Hardening my resolve, I quickly climbed onto my bike and put the key in the ignition. The soft purr of my baby soothed me and I let out a small sigh. In the next moment, I was zooming down the road heading for my destiny. Wherever that was. At the last hour no cars were on the road, giving me the freedom to drive as fast as I wanted to, sending an exhilarating thrill down my back.

But it wasn't a feeling that would last forever. Soon enough I reached the pack territory lines and I slowed down the closer I got. This was my last chance. The territory line was like a barrier that allowed pack members through as long as they had the intent to return. It would know if I were being unloyal to the pack and the Alpha, and would send an alert to the Alpha.

But I'd already made up my mind.

Revving the engine I speed through the territory line. A burning sensation spread along my skin as the barrier tried to keep me there, a sensation like a rubber band wrapped around my whole body trying to pull me back. There was a warning, something telling me to go back, but I drive even faster. The pain grew worse and worse, tears clouding my vision as I push forward. I felt like I was being stretched out and ripped in half all in one.

And then the rubber band popped.

It was such an abruptly freeing sensation that I momentarily lost control of my steering, my hand spasming around the break. The bike veered as the back wheel lifted and I flew off, fortunately landing in a bush on the side of the road. My bike wasn't so lucky as it crashed to the ground and slid for a bi

t. I scramble out the bush and run to check my bike. Luckily it was just a little banged up, nothing serious needed fixing. One of my bags tore a little though, my clothes poking out of it. I sigh heavily and sit there for a moment.

This was it.

I felt…empty. Alone in a way I never felt before. Even if the pack ignored me, they were always still there. We were connected through the pack bond. But now…nothing. Is this what the humans felt all the time?

Sobs crept up my throat as I hitch my bike up and push it to the side of the road. I wouldn't be able to ride it in this condition. My body ached and my tears weren't stopping even a little. I wasn't expecting this to be a happy time, but my freedom truly did come at an expensive price. If this is what life as a rogue was going to be like, I wasn't very excited.

I knew to the west of the road was another pack, so I keep right and walked slightly behind the treeline. As the hours passed dawn came and went, and in the light of day more and more cars zoomed by. Thankfully it was the middle of April, so once the sun rose the temperature rose to a comfortable level but around midday a spring shower broke out, forcing me to go deeper into the forest to find shelter. I hadn't eaten or drank anything all day, and dragging my bike through forest brush was exhausting. Eventually I give up, leaning my bike against a big tree and using my bags as cushions against the bike. I was asleep the moment I sat down.

"Well, well well…'

A raspy voice, accompanied by an unfamiliar scent, snapped me awake. I lock eyes with gunmetal grey ones, attached to a man I'd never seen before in my life. A fellow rogue. He was scruffy looking, tall and muscular, with wild black hair and a matching beard. There was a scar cutting through his face, from temple to jaw and a little bit on his neck. He was an intimidating sight yet for some reason I felt no fear. Ignoring the aches in my body, I push myself up and give him a warning glare.

"What do you want?"

"Oh ho ho!" He arched a brow. "A feisty one, arencha? You're a little far from home to act so reckless, little one."

"Leave me alone." I snarl, feeling something rise up in me. It was strong, whatever it was, but felt natural.

The man's smirk melted, replaced by a frown as a vein in his forehead throbbed. "Listen kid, my patience only goes so far. I suggest you show me some respect–"

Respect? Just who the fuck did this guy think he is?

The feeling encompassed my entire being and before I realized what was happening I was bursting out of my clothes, wolf form appearing in all its glory. Without the Alpha's orders holding me back, my wolf came forward eagerly. It was my second time ever being in my wolf form.

All I saw was the man's wide, fearful eyes as I pounce on top of him. My claws dug into his shoulders and my hind legs push down on his body. I was whirling with the intense power I felt coursing through my body. There was nothing in the world that could stop me in this form. I was THE Alpha wolf.

Somehow I knew exactly what I needed to do, tucking my muzzle underneath the man's chin and growling at him to submit. I could feel his throat move as he swallowed, and he shook his head furiously. Growling again, I allow my teeth to scrape against his neck just enough to draw blood and he suddenly screamed loudly in agony. His body writhed, forcing my claws deeper into his arms and he screamed louder.

"I submit! I submit!" He sobbed.

Satisfied, I release him. Something told me to lick his wounds, and so I did, marveling as the cuts knitted shut before my very eyes. My healing ability was being transferred through my saliva. Soon, the only evidence left of the attack was his ripped clothes and the spilt blood on the ground.

"What are you?" He asked, body trembling like a leaf.

I shift back with a shrug. "A wolf, just like you."

"No," he shook his head. "Th-that's not normal. What you just did–what I felt–was not normal. You don't have the scent of an Alpha, yet your wolf–none of that is normal!"

"I'm not normal." I sigh. "It's none of your business anyway. If you understand, just please leave me alone."

"Oh no way in hell am I doing that." He scrambled onto his knees in front of me, grabbing my hand and placing his forehead on it. "I pledge my submission and allegiance to the Alpha before me. I, Chris Bannet, excommunicated Beta of the Redmoon pack, swear loyalty to this Alpha. May the Goddess bless this bond."

I gasp, warmth spreading through my body and the emptiness I felt before suddenly disappeared. Even though I technically wasn't an Alpha, the Goddess recognized and accepted his pledge. My eyes burned and I shook my head.

"What did you just do?" I whisper.

He stood, shooting me a goofy grin. "Whoever you are, you are a powerful being. I'd rather be on your side, than the opposite. Plus, yanno, us rogues gotta look out for each other. You look like you got a good head on your shoulders. I can get with that."

What the hell is wrong with this guy? He barely even knew me. And if he was from the Redmoon pack, he was more than capable of taking care of himself. He didn't need me. I wanted to tell him to take his pledge back, but the selfish part of me wanted to keep the warmth and sense of home it brought.

"So…anyways, what's your name, kid?"

"Ro–" I stop short, realizing what I was doing. Robin was the old me, the abused weak version of me. This was my chance to start brand new. Be something I've never been before.

"Ro…?"

"Rogue." I said firmly, nodding when he arched a questioning brow. "That's my name. Rogue."

"Okay." He held out his hand. "You're kind of weird, but honest. I like it. My name is Chris Bannet. Nice to meet you."

I shake his hand, feeling a sense of finality. "Nice to meet you, Chris."

There was a strong urge to pull him into a hug, so I did. It was strange, and Chris certainly tensed up, but after a moment he relaxed and hugged me back. He smelt like like the rain and the forest. It was comforting. It smelled like new beginnings.