Chapter 4.2

"They're upstairs, and don't worry, the maids are watching them," aniya.

"Tatapusin ko lang 'to tapos pupuntahan ko na rin sila," sabi ko bago ibalik ang tingin sa lababo. "Bakit ka nandito?"

"Dahil kusina ko 'to?" sarkastiko niyang saad. "I'm thirsty," mas maayos niyang sagot matapos bumungtonghininga. Hindi naman siya ganyan kasungit noon.

Tumango na lang ako at tinapos na ang ginagawa.

"You didn't have to do that," aniya habang nakatayo sa harap ng ref. "Next time, leave it to the house's maids." 

"Ayos lang. Lagi ko naman 'to ginagawa noon," sagot ko.

Hindi na siya sumagot ulit kaya binalot kami ng katahimikan. Iniiwasan kong tignan siya, kaya nanatili ang atensyon ko sa lababo. Kaso muntik ko na siyang lingunin nang marinig kong sumarado ang ref at maramdaman ang presensya niya sa likod ko. Nauubos na rin ang mga pinggan na hinuhugasan ko. 

"So, what's the deal between you and Terrence?" bigla niyang tanong. "Is he really just your friend?"

"That's none of your business, Leon. Mag-usap lang tayo tungkol sa mga bata," sagot ko nang hindi inaalis ang tingin sa lababo.

"Right. . . you get to decide what's my business and what's not," he said with a hint of sarcasm. "And you decided that the boys were also not my business."

"I'm sorry, Leon. I was doing what I thought was best for them. You can't blame me. Nanay nila 'ko."  Siguro unfair nga para sa kaniya, pero no'ng mga araw na iyon ay wala nang ibang nasa isip ko kundi ang mga anak ko.

"Wow, Elaine," he mockingly said. "I honestly don't get you at all. I thought I did, you know? Na kahit ang dami mong tinatago sa 'kin noon, akala ko kilala kita. But when you left, I couldn't think of a reason."

"Tulad ng sinabi mo, mali ka ng pagkakakilala sa 'kin." Did he think I'd stick around? We barely knew each other. Dapat nga isang gabi lang ang ibibigay ko sa kaniya at sa sarili ko. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit nasundan nang nasundan. Kung bakit muntik na 'kong masanay na kasama siya.

"I was hoping I wasn't completely wrong about you. I was hoping you had a d-mn good reason to leave me without a fvcking word. I looked for you. But you hid so well, like you never wanted to see me again. Then, for some miracle, you showed up with my children. And now, I'm left with even more questions."

Kumunot ang noo ko. Kung makapagsalita kasi siya ay akala mo nasaktan ko siya. Sa ikli ng panahong magkasama kami, ang labong mahalin niya 'ko. Una pa lang ay hindi naman pagmamahal ang habol niya sa 'kin, hindi rin iyon ang dahilan kung bakit sumama ako sa kaniya. Gusto ko lang kumawala saglit sa realidad ko. Nagkataon lang siguro na ako ang babaeng nakakuha ng interes niya.

But why is he so affected when I left? Hindi ba't pinagsasabay niya nga kami ni Ava noon? Kahit pa kasunduan lang ng pamilya nila 'yon, hindi man lang niya sinabi sa 'kin na may fiancee siya. Ginawa niya 'kong kabit tapos hindi ko alam.

"Bakit pinili mong itago sila sa 'kin? What made you decide that it was best for them to not have me in their lives? May kasalanan ba 'ko sa 'yo?" sunod-sunod na tanong niya. "Do you even have the slightest idea of what I feel? Isang araw malalaman ko na lang na may anak na pala ako? Tapos unang beses ko silang nakita. . . ang laki na nila? Hindi nila 'ko kilala?"

I was starting to feel bad for him. But I shouldn't! Kasi hindi rin naman niya sinabi sa 'kin ang tungkol kay Ava noon. Bakit ko kailangan magpaalam sa kaniya kung aalis ako?

"I didn't know, Leon!" Hindi ko na napigil ang sarili at napagtaasan siya ng boses, kasabay no'n ang pagharap ko sa kaniya. "Hindi ko alam kung anong magiging reaksyon mo. Hindi ko alam kung tatanggapin mo. Hindi ko alam kung bigla mo na lang ba 'ko tatapunan ng pera tapos sasabihin sa 'king h'wag na magpapakita sa 'yo. Hindi ko alam!" 

Higit sa lahat ay takot akong kunin niya ang mga bata sa 'kin. 

"Can you blame me? We weren't in a relationship, Leon. I knew that what we had was temporary. Your interest was temporary. I was only the girl you keep sharing a bed with. Aside from that, anong pwesto ko sa buhay mo? Wala naman 'di ba?" dagdag ko pa. Bumibilis ang takbo ng puso ko dahil sa emosyon. Dahil do'n ay mabilis akong hiningal.

"If you put it like that, it sounds like what we had meant nothing. Yeah, we only meet up at night. But you said it was the only time you were free. You said you had work. Every time I want to take you elsewhere, you tell me that you're not in the mood, and you just wanna lay in bed. I would've taken you to the park or the amusement park, or to a restaurant you like. If you had given me the chance, I'd take you anywhere you would want."

Kung alam lang niya na alam ko ang tungkol kay Ava no'ng mga araw na nagkikita pa kami. Muntik na 'kong maniwala na pwede akong magkaron ng pwesto sa buhay niya. Pero no'ng makita ko ang text ni Ava sa kaniya no'ng gabing 'yon, bigla na lang akong natauhan-pampalipas oras lang ako.

Pero hindi ko iyon mabanggit sa kaniya. Hindi ko mabanggit ang tungkol sa text ni Ava na nakita ko. Dahil lalabas ang totoo, at ayaw kong malaman niyang nasaktan niya 'ko. Ayaw kong malaman niya na umasa ako sa kaniya. I didn't want to feel pathetic. I didn't want him to know that I was stupid enough to fall for someone who only wanted my body and company at night.

"I was a waitress, Leon! I wasn't supposed to be with you. I'm not delusional, I knew what you were after. Kaya hindi ako naghangad na  dalhin mo 'ko sa ibang lugar."

Leon's lips parted, and he slightly tilted his head as he looked away. Umiling din siya na parang hindi makapaniwala.

"I can't believe that's how you saw me," mahina niyang saad. "Hindi mo man lang. . . Did you even try to at least give me a chance? Or were you even thinking of letting me know about them someday?"

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin bago sumagot. "You had issues with your family, Leon. I didn't want the kids to be tangled in all of that."

"I. . ." he murmured. "You should've talked to me!" He sounded so frustrated. He tried keeping his voice low so the boys wouldn't hear, but every word was still firm. "Bigla ka na lang umalis! Wala akong maisip na dahilan no'n, Elaine!"

Humugot ako ng lakas ng loob na tignan siya ulit. Parang sumisikip ang dibdib ko sa sagutan namin. 

"Hindi ko naman kasi kailangan ng dahilan noon. Wala namang tayo. Hindi mo ba naisip na baka ayaw ko na? Nag-sawa na 'ko?" 

Napapikit ako nang malaglag ang isang baso dahil tinabig niya.

"Dapat hindi na lang kita hinanap," sabi niya bago maglakad paalis.