An interview

(A/N: I'm retroactively making it so they have a reason to be fucked in the head and that their intelligence hype is actually true. )

"Well, I'm tired," I declared, stifling a yawn. "The megalomania of all things good can start tomorrow." Honestly, conquering a kingdom by accident was exhausting. Who knew idiots could be so much work?

Actually, given previous evidence, I actually knew that and was just repressing that fact.

Asuna, ever the pragmatic one, immediately protested. "How are we going to find anywhere to rest in this absolute chaos, anyway?" she asked, her voice laced with a weariness that mirrored my own. She yawned, a wide, unladylike gesture that made me smile despite myself. "I'm tired, yeah, but literally how, Kirito?"

Yui, bless her little heart, piped up, her voice bright and cheerful. "Actually, Papa, Mama, since you've unlocked all the weapon forms, you can totally fix this! You just need to use their special effects!"

She rattled off a string of instructions, her voice filled with an enthusiasm that I found both endearing and slightly unsettling. "Use the Clockwork Hawk's Gear Spear X and the Spatial-fold Iguana Heart X Sword to create a stasis bubble of time around us, which the sword will increase in size to make the road outside an expanded area. Then, use the Couch-Mimic Tooth Spear X and the Abode-Backed Tortoise Brain X Sword to create a fully furnished palace inside the bubble!"

My eyebrows shot up. "Seriously?" I asked, mentally scrolling through the ridiculously long list of weapons we'd somehow acquired. "We have those?"

Asuna, never one to shy away from a challenge, was already rummaging through her inventory. "Let's give it a try," she said, her voice filled with a mixture of curiosity and excitement.

We followed Yui's instructions, navigating through the mental menus of our respective weapons and waving our swords and that-stupid-thing-that-somehow-counts-as-a-spear around with a practiced ease born of countless hours spent battling digital monsters in Aincrad. A faint hum filled the air, followed by a ripple of energy that seemed to distort the very fabric of reality. The world outside the tent froze, the flames suspended mid-flicker, the smoke hanging motionless in the air. A dome of shimmering energy expanded outwards, encompassing the street and several surrounding buildings.

Then, as if conjured from thin air, because it was, a magnificent palace materialized within the dome. It was an architectural marvel, a testament to the absurd power of these weapons, with soaring ceilings, marble floors, plush furnishings, and a breathtaking view of the frozen cityscape. We stared in awe at our impromptu creation, marveling at the sheer absurdity of it all.

"Wow," Asuna breathed, her eyes wide with wonder. "This is incredible."

"Not bad," I agreed, a grudging smile spreading across my face. "I guess even these ridiculous weapons have their uses."

Yui, beaming with pride, clapped her hands. "See? I told you! Now you can get a good night's rest before you conquer the world tomorrow!"

We chuckled, oblivious to the fact that this time-locked palace, a product of our combined power and Yui's subtle manipulations, was more than just a temporary haven. It was a foundation, a stronghold, a symbol of our impending rule. And while we thought we could simply dismiss it at our leisure, the truth was far more permanent. This palace would become the seat of our new empire, undeniable proof of our newly acquired dominion over this broken world.

We stepped into the palace, marveling at its sheer opulence. Hallways lined with gleaming marble stretched out before us, branching off into countless rooms filled with luxurious furnishings. It was absurd, extravagant, and undeniably comfortable. After a quick exploration, we found ourselves drawn to a particularly spacious room with a ridiculously large bed that seemed to beckon us with promises of blissful sleep. Exhaustion, a byproduct of accidental kingdom destruction and the general chaos of the day, had finally caught up with us.

We collapsed onto the bed, sinking into its plush embrace. The sheets were silk, the pillows were down, and the mattress seemed to conform perfectly to our bodies, cradling us in a cocoon of comfort. Asuna let out a contented sigh, her hand finding mine in the darkness.

"This is nice," she murmured, her voice thick with sleep.

"Yeah," I agreed, my eyelids already feeling heavy. "Nice…"

And then, the world dissolved around us.

I blinked, my eyes adjusting to the blinding lights of a… studio? We were seated in plush armchairs, facing a stage where a… green alien with way too many eyes and a disturbingly cordial smile beamed at us. Behind us, a massive screen displayed a galaxy swirling with vibrant colors, the words "Zorgbun Multiverse Cluster" emblazoned across it in bold, futuristic font.

"Today's guests are the amazing main duo of the trio who conquered the Zorgbun Multiverse Cluster in less than 10,000 years!" the alien announced, his voice booming through the studio. "At the beginning of their journey no less! Now, knowing your personalities and 'fuck around and find out' policy, in order to not offend and be absolutely eradicated by your future selves, we offer compensation for this interview in the form of a Greater Blessing of Rulership donated by Ares-471-B42. It will allow you to force people to accept your right to rule more easily!"

Asuna and I exchanged bewildered glances. Conquered a multiverse cluster? Future selves? What in the actual hell was going on?

"Umm," I began, my voice hesitant. "I think there's been some kind of mistake."

The alien chuckled, his multiple eyes twinkling with amusement. "Oh, I assure you, there's no mistake. You two are destined for greatness, a greatness that will span countless worlds and reshape the very fabric of reality."

Asuna, ever the pragmatist, leaned forward, her eyes narrowed. "A blessing that makes people obey us, you say?" She glanced at me, a predatory glint in her eyes. "Sounds useful."

I sighed, resigned to the absurdity of the situation. We were trapped in some kind of interdimensional interview, facing an alien with way too many eyes, and being offered a magical obedience charm. Might as well play along.

"Alright," I said, leaning back in my chair. "What do you want to know?"

"We want to know about you!" the alien exclaimed, his voice filled with an almost childlike enthusiasm. "Your backstory, which has been shrouded in mystery! Tell us what made you who you are currently!"

I glanced at Asuna, who shrugged.

The alien gestured towards the massive screen behind him, where a scrolling list of questions flickered into existence. "The first question comes from Percy Jackson-6921-N47," he announced with a flourish. "He says he's a big fan and wants to know how you grew up so that you were so different from your usual dimensional counterparts! Let's start with God-Emperor Kirito!"

I ignored the ridiculously grandiose title – seriously, God-Emperor? – and launched into a tale that, even to my own ears, sounded more like a bad action movie script than a genuine life story.

"Well, it all started when I was measured with an IQ of 280 and was forced to find out the absolute stupidity of the government," I began, my voice dripping with sarcasm. "Four points above the world record caused me to not be given any accolades, jobs, or anything else good. Instead, at the ripe old age of thirteen, I was put on a watch list. Me! The person who already knew a way to make Gundam actually military viable – as stupid as it sounds – was shoved into obscurity due to a panicking politician who wanted the status quo so bad that he decided to put himself on the shit-list of a goddamn genius of my level!"

I paused for dramatic effect, letting the absurdity of the situation sink in. Even now, years later, the memory of that bureaucratic idiocy rankled.

"But I knew the scale of 'fuck around' was equivalent to ten times the 'find out'," I continued, my voice hardening. "So, I decided to bide my time. Then, my dad – the only guy who actually knew about my genius status besides good old Japan – died in a car accident, and my stick-waving, shina-loving, kendo-ass of a grandfather took over. And things naturally devolved from there."

I trailed off, a mixture of bitterness and resentment coloring my words. My childhood had been… unconventional, to say the least. A constant struggle against the limitations of a world that couldn't comprehend, let alone appreciate, my intellect. It was a struggle that had shaped me, hardened me, and ultimately, led me to this point. Sitting in an interdimensional interview chair, being hailed as a future conqueror of multiverses, all thanks to the chain of events set in motion by a politician's fear of a thirteen-year-old genius.

"So, I buried myself in scientific papers, documentaries, anime, video games… anything to keep my brain juices flowing while planning to fix the garbage fire that was my life," I continued, my voice taking on a bitter edge. "Meanwhile, my grandfather forced me to practice kendo, a completely useless sport-martial art, while psychologically torturing my sister Sugu, and physically abusing me because 'I was a man and I could take it!' Such nice. Many caveman. Wow."

I let out a humorless chuckle, shaking my head at the absurdity of it all. "Two years later, nothing materialized. Another year later, 2034 rolled around, and a nutcase running off too much Nos Energy Drink – seriously, any other energy drink would have been better – trapped 10,000 people in a death game. By. Fucking. Accident."

I slammed my fist against the armrest, the sudden movement causing the alien interviewer to flinch. "And then, this absolute moron, instead of shutting down the servers and forcing a logout, decides to double and triple down on his stupidity!"

"I actually asked him at the end, 'Why the hell did you do this?'" I said, my voice rising in disbelief. "And you know what his response was? 'I did this because my bosses were assholes and because of Metacritic.'"

I let out a harsh laugh, the sound devoid of humor. "The bullshit meter reached critical, and I was crushed to death, along with my wife here. And somehow, we woke up in something I'm going to call 'The Asinine Kingdom Ruled by the Lack-Capacity King'."

I gestured towards Asuna, who had remained silent throughout my rant. Her expression was unreadable, a mask of carefully controlled emotions. But I knew, deep down, that she shared my anger, my frustration, my utter disdain for the incompetence that seemed to plague every corner of existence.

The alien interviewer's multiple eyes blinked rapidly, a clear sign of astonishment despite his alien physiology. "Wow, that's a wonderfully surprising backstory!" he exclaimed, his voice a touch higher than before. "Let's move on to Asuna, same question!"

I slumped back in my chair, letting Asuna take the spotlight. Her story wasn't exactly sunshine and rainbows either.

Asuna sighed, her usual confident demeanor momentarily replaced by a weary resignation. "Alright, let's start with where it began," she said, her voice tinged with a bitterness that mirrored my own. "My great-great grandparents started a multinational, billion-dollar corporation. My great-grandparents grew it, my grandparents solidified it, and my goddamn fourth-generation moron parents… well, they used their generation-skipped, mentally ill decision-making skills to shit over all of that. A multi-billion dollar, international conglomerate of a company was turned into a two-million-dollar shit-show full of debt by my fourteenth birthday! I knew for a fact I would be covered in debt and be killed by yakuza debt collectors the moment I took over."

She took a deep breath, her hands clenching into fists. "My impending doom was incoming, and my ability to access funds was heavily restricted so I couldn't make investments of my own – which would have been a billion times better than anything my morons of parents could come up with. A bad end was guaranteed, so I buried myself in video games. It was… pretty fun, actually. Then, I found a cool game to play called 'Sword Art Online.' It had a limited early-access release of 10,000 units, which would expand to full release in three months. Pretty awesome, right? Wrong! The game was a buggy mess, and the logout button was fucking missing because Energy-Drinks-and-Lack-Brain wanted to not do the correct shit."

She paused, her voice taking on a chillingly calm tone that I knew all too well. "Oh, and by the way, before I went into the game, I was fully expecting to be dead when I logged out the first time. Because my parents were in talks to, and I quote, 'Sell my still-living body to science.' Like… what the shit?!"

She continued, her voice laced with a mix of anger and resignation. "You know how the rest goes, with the people in charge of the hospitals watching for any badness. At least I had that until I got out, something horrible to happen. But I never got out, so I dodged a bullet there, really."

Asuna's story, like mine, was a testament to the absurdity and cruelty of the world. It was a world where incompetence reigned supreme, where intelligence was punished, and where even the most basic of human rights could be violated with impunity.

For the next few hours, the interview devolved into a chaotic whirlwind of inane questions and increasingly absurd requests. The alien interviewer, fueled by a seemingly endless supply of what he called "Zorg-Juice," peppered us with inquiries about our favorite colors, our preferred breakfast foods, and our opinions on the latest interdimensional fashion trends. At one point, he even asked us to perform a synchronized dance routine, which we politely declined.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, the lights dimmed, the cameras shut off, and the alien interviewer, his multiple eyes drooping with exhaustion, bid us farewell. The world dissolved around us once more, and we found ourselves back in the luxurious embrace of our time-locked palace.

I blinked, my mind still reeling from the bizarre experience. Beside me, Asuna stretched, a contented sigh escaping her lips.

"Well," she said, her voice thick with sleep, "that was… something."

I chuckled, running a hand through my hair. "Yeah, something alright."

As I glanced at my status screen, two new notifications caught my eye:

[Blessing Gained: Ares. Automatic Casus Belli]

[Blessing Gained: Ares. Empire-Spanning Charisma]

I raised an eyebrow, Well at the very least they kept their promise. That could prove useful. I glanced at Asuna, who was already drifting back to sleep.

With a shrug, I snuggled into the ridiculously comfortable bed and closed my eyes. Whatever those blessings entailed, we could figure it out tomorrow. For now, sleep was the only thing that mattered. After all, we had a world to conquer.