Chapter 2

What have I been up to during the years since my birth? For me, what was everything? Did I perform admirably? Could someone kindly tell me, in all honesty, if this is the life I wanted to lead?

They were the ideas that had been racing through my head when my eyes suddenly were blinded by a shine, and before I realized it, my feet had started to move independently, following the light.

"Isabella, take my hand; I promise not to hurt you."

"I swear, you'll be the only woman I would give myself over to—a woman deserving of my love and devotion."

"Would you follow me and turn into an ally if you were unsure of what you wanted?"

The sweetest man I have ever laid eyes on and clasped hands with covered my thoughts from the chaotic events unfolding before my very eyes.

When I first saw the second prince of the imperial family in the year 1000 AD in the Delavoix empire, I claimed his hands because I felt an unnatural pounding in my chest. This was a sign that I should follow him because, at that precise moment, he was already my objective.

He would teach me a lot every time he came inside our home to play with me, and my parents would always be proud of the things he would create and do.

He gifted me a white chocolate during the winter of my eleventh birthday. I got chills from his response when I asked him once what it meant to offer someone a gift like white chocolate.

His voice sounded like the sweet taste of the white chocolate he offered me. "White chocolates symbolize innocence and sincerity, two kinds of emotions that the chocolate couldn't be white like snow without each other."

His hand slides over to stroke my ears and tuck in a few hairs on the sides of my head. Despite the chill of winter, I felt a warm sensation that tickled my skin, and at that same moment, I was overcome with a strong desire to marry this young man.

He helped me understand that I could depend on him when I was weak. He never failed to notice anything about my health; anytime I fell ill, he would come to see me and bring tea and herbal remedies from the royal family.

He would claim that the empress would give him one whenever he spoke my name, so it quickly became my favorite. I would be laughing at all the stories he would tell me, all of which were the ones he had experienced that day, while he was standing there making excuses.

When we turned fifteen, he would only come to visit my house once a week, but I would be patient since I knew that he would be going through his classes and would be just like me. Maybe it became a hobby to expect him every day until we developed into young adults.

A few weeks after my birthday, he asked to be my fiancé, and I happily accepted him by holding his hand. In my opinion, there was no other way I could accept someone as wonderful as him—a kind, giving, and amiable young man who, for the longest time in my life, made my heart flutter.

I fell deeply in love with him the more he laughed with me, smiled at me, and told me about his dreams.

One afternoon, he abruptly vanished, while we were riding through the market, and I began to worry that he might have been attacked by commoners who knew we were disguised.

It was wrong of me to accept his proposition in the first place. However, once it was finished, I discovered him assisting a young, noblewoman who was wandering in a small lane. Based only on what I've witnessed, it appears that he protected her from the criminals the woman had encountered.

Although I am grateful for his thoughtful gesture towards her, his attitude has also altered since that day.

He never gave me the same look in the eyes as he used to. He would grin, but I could tell that it was a show since we had been friends for a long time. I thought he would always display that smile at social gatherings.

He never used the same tone of voice with me, he never looked me in the eyes when sharing stories about his day, and most importantly, he never even tried to come to see me when I was already staying at the imperial household.

I tried everything to get his attention back, but the more I tried, the more helpless and angrier I felt.

My constant companion, my nanny, who accompanied me during my stay in the imperial palace, unexpectedly left me with a note.

The family that I had been hoping to hear from on a daily or weekly basis had ceased writing. I began to worry that if I asked Charles for permission, he would always forbid me from doing anything.

I'm at a loss for what to do; I felt as though I was being choked and would never be able to breathe outside like a bird that is free to soar.

I made a lot of excuses and tried to convince myself that Charles was terrified of being left alone. I repeated this idea to myself every day and every second to prevent myself from missing my family.

Then, one night, he showed up in my room inebriated. However, I felt as though I had rediscovered the previous iteration of him, the one I had assumed was gone.

He's the reason I'm still here, staying in this dark corner of the palace. He spoke some words that he desired, and that's when I first saw the world he needed to reach, one that revolved around making that wreath.

He had never told me this before, but I recognized the truth he was trying to get across because drunk males are incapable of lying.

The following day, rather than spending my time learning the royal household's manners, I went straight to his office and said the words I never thought I would say.

At that same moment, a spark returned to his eyes. When his gentle voice returned, I embraced everything he had given me that day, even if it meant severing my relationship with my original family.

I ask for forgiveness amid the whispers of the night. But nothing I did or said would make it stop being silent.

There would be no words spoken to reach my ears. I don't even remember where it all began, but even when I would gaze upon Charles's sleeping face, I was unable to see the brightness that once shone in my life.

After three years, I have consistently followed Charles' instructions. He had everything planned out, but I was ready to let him use me to bring about the death of some nobility, enlisting my family as unwitting accomplices.

Charles assured me that everything would be alright and that he would take care of my family when they were charged. His actions and words relieved me. I voluntarily complied with his request to act absent-minded since I understood it was all part of his larger intentions to win that crown.

But even if I were to look at it from the right angle, it wouldn't make logic, but my heart would always tell me that loving someone makes reason. I came to understand that because of my overwhelming greed, I could do things I had never considered doing since loving someone drives them to act irrationally towards the tiniest things.

I'd been hearing in my head to stop doing these crazy things, to take this opportunity and live the life I desired. So what was the point of it all? What life have I ever desired? Was it not to be his empress beside him? I had a horrible feeling when he introduced me to Sir Hubbard.

My gut told me that enough was enough and that I need to quietly break out of his hold, but I'm powerless to do so. Not after he turned into my entire world.

My life began to change when I vanished from the noble society's perspective and accepted the hand of an elderly guy I never met. There were occasions when I would wake up in the market, not inside the imperial family. On the other hand, I would wake up in the middle of the forest, still asleep, although having no idea why I had gone there in the first place.

It's a miracle I'm still alive, but in the end, I found myself killing a man I don't even know. The third shot was the most painful because, unlike the previous ones, Sir Hubbard only injected liquid into my body. Instead, he made me feel like I had been struck by lightning.

I wanted to yell, but I was unable to do so as I shook my head, shuddered, and fell to the ground. The need to do anything risky was suppressed by something inside of me, and that evening, Charles Delevoix—the guy I knew I could trust the most—was the only one in whom I could confide and disclose everything.

But one night, after I killed a knight belonging to the crown prince, my feet took me into the forest, where I discovered a hut and the crown prince inside. Charles had told me he loved his older brother, so I reasoned that assisting him would eventually make him like me even more.

But everything, including the possibility of a bright future in which Charles and I may cohabit, was destroyed by what I discovered that night. I failed to realize that chasing that dazzling light could eventually cause me to lose my sight due to my avarice.

An elderly woman asked me this just before I was put to death, but I never once considered providing an answer—especially because it would be impossible—at that point, one in the empire is strong enough to undo the time that has been lost to the past; not even the emperor was able to go back in time to when he was well.

Still, I cling to her seemingly insurmountable words like a lifeline, as if they had kindled a tiny flame within my broken, faded spirit.

"If I could live my life over again, I would..."