Chapter 17: Rock On, Part 2

They returned to India after Aayush's autism was discovered. Staying in Indonesia, without adequate medical facilities and family support, was no longer a viable option.

Sunil accepted a job that offered him a quarter of what he made in Indonesia. Shift Supervisor in a Maruti Suzuki ancillary in Okhla. He detested the new place from the potbellied Punjabi owner and his expletive ridden speech to the meaningless office politics to the grime of the shop floor that never left his hair. He struggled against all of it every day. Ritu started to look for a job, any job. They needed the money. She accepted a secretarial position that came her way, working for the marketing director of a pharmaceutical company.

It was then that the bickering began. Two frustrated individuals coming back home after a trying day at work. To an autistic child who needed care. First, they fought over inconsequential things and then over more fundamental things. Things they couldn't change. It was about that time he started dallying with the bottle.

On a chilly December night, Sunil didn't return home till two in the morning. When he finally arrived, he could barely stand. There was mud on his clothes and the stench was unbearable. She had been worried sick and scolded him.

"Don't you feel ashamed?" Ritu asked him, not expecting an intelligible answer.

She got one however. "Ashamed? Why should I be ashamed? I didn't ruin my child's life."

She stared at him, the wind knocked out of her. "What do you mean? What did I do?"

"You know what you did," he slurred, sitting on the dining room chair, struggling with his shoe laces.

"What did I do?" She asked again, her voice high, her body taut.

"Do I have to spell it for you? Poor Aayush. Done inby his own mother." He flung away a shoe.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" She shook him by the shoulders. There were tears in her eyes as she braced herself for what she knew he was going to say.

He jerked his shoulders like he couldn't bear her touch. "If you must hear it. Aayush has autism because of you. You consumed alcohol when you were pregnant."

"You know it isn't right. We asked the doctors," she shouted.

It wasn't that the thought of that one incident hadn't crossed her mind. She had celebrated her pregnancy with her friends and at their insistence had one gin. It was too early to be worried, they had assured her. He had been furious when she told him. She had realized her blunder and never repeated it. It was one stupid mistake. One stupid drink.

In meetings with doctors in Indonesia and later India, she had confronted her guilt and asked if that one mistake may have led to Aayush's condition. It was unlikely, they told her. Aayush didn't exhibit any of the classic symptoms of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. There were no facial abnormalities or growth deficits. Autism was a genetic condition, could even be caused by some vaccines for babies. It was then she had laid her guilt to rest.

"It isn't true," she cried as he stumbled over to the sofa and passed out.

He had made his point. Someone had to be accountable for Aayush's condition and he had decided it was her.