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664. Chapter 664

Kara calls her out for her drinking.

Not directly.

Not really.

She just calls her a mean drunk, and Alex hears the implication: that she has different kinds of drunk, because she’s drunk often enough.

Sad drunk, happy drunk, mean drunk, horny drunk.

She has all the different types, because she’s drunk so often.

Well, less so, before.

Less so, with Maggie.

And it’s hard, now.

For Kara not to call Maggie, because Maggie always seemed to know how to coax the bottle out of Alex’s hands, how to tell her she should slow down without making her defensive, how to tell the difference between Alex drinking to be social, to have fun, and Alex drinking to forget, to numb.

So Kara just calls it like she sees it, like she feels it.

That she signed up for sad drunk, not mean drunk.

And the sting between them lasts for hours, for days, even; even though they don’t talk about it again.

“It’s not that I have a drinking problem, you know,” Alex tells her, out of the blue the next Sister’s Night they have.

Kara shifts her eyes to her big sister and waits. Waits for her to say more.

“J’onn’s been making me see some DEO shrink. Since Malverne.”

Kara fights to keep her flinch at his name internal. “I know,” she says softly, because she held Alex through her rages at being required to go in the first place, at being required to get the psychiatrist’s go-ahead before getting off desk duty.

“And she says it doesn’t sound like an actual alcohol thing. I mean, she says it can become one.” Alex rolls her eyes, and Kara strokes her hair. “Whatever. I just… she says I’m in an endless pit of agonized angst.”

Kara scrunches her nose with a soft smile. “Yeah? Is that what she says?”

Alex chuckles dryly and wipes her eyes with the tops of her index fingers. “Those might not have been her words.” She shrugs. “She says more about like, depression and stuff.” Again, she shrugs. It feels, strangely, similar to how coming out had felt; even though she knows Kara won’t treat her any differently – hell, that Kara probably won’t at all be surprised – she’s scared. Terrified, really. But also, profoundly relieved, somehow.

“Depression and stuff,” Kara repeats, gently, softly, gently. Her fingers run through Alex’s hair again, shorter now, redder now, straighter now. Kara spares a moment to think about how she misses the curlier phase, but she thinks that will make Alex think of Maggie, and… not now.

Alex nods as a single tear spills down her face. “She says I should tell someone. So… I told you.”

The phrase makes her think of Maggie – how Maggie had encouraged her to tell Kara something, too – and it turns a single tear into two, into three, into uncontrollable, wracking sobs.

“I miss her,” she shudders after a long while. “And I miss… I miss me. I mean, sometimes… sometimes, it’s not… torture. Living, you know? But sometimes, like lately, it’s just… every second is… and it doesn’t feel like me. Or the me I want. But at the same time, it feels like the only me there is…” She looks up at her little sister and chuckles bitterly. “I’m not making any sense.”

Kara shakes her head.

“You’re making perfect sense. And I’m proud of you, Alex. I am so proud of you.” She kisses her head again, and Alex shivers through a sigh.

“Do you think she’d take me back? If I asked? If I told her… that she’s enough? Because she is, Kara, she is, and I… do you think she’d… do you think she hates me?”

Kara shakes her head again, harder this time. “No. No, I know… I know she doesn’t hate you. That’s not who Maggie is. And Alex, if you want her back, that’s okay. We’ll make it happen.” She smiles and boops Alex’s nose, and Alex starts to smile for the first time in weeks. “But you can’t make that decision right now. You can’t make it just because you’re going through this right now, okay? Get through this – and we’ll all get you through it, Alex, I promise – and then if that’s what you still want, we’ll come up with the most romantic way to apologize and get Maggie back. Okay?”

“What if the shrink wants to give me medicine?” Alex wipes her eyes, calmer now at the thought of not having ruined all hope with the love of her life.

“Then she’s wanting to give you a way to help yourself heal.” Alex shudders at the phrase, and Kara pulls her closer. “You stitch yourself up when you get wounded, Alex. It’s no different. You’re allowed to take care of yourself. You deserve it.”

And if Alex questioned it before, the look in Kara’s eyes – the pure, utter adoration and the pure, utter faith – doesn’t allow her to question it now.

Maggie’s voice echoes in her mind – how she deserves a full, happy life – and she purses her lips and nods.

“And you won’t let me go?” Alex asks her sister, her voice small and scared and hopeful.

“Never,” Kara pulls her close. “Never ever ever.”