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179. Chapter 179

When she’s with Alex, the world doesn’t sting quite so much.

When she’s with Alex, she doesn’t dwell – not as much – on the massacre of her friends at the bar, doesn’t stay up late at night going through their pictures, going through their files, because she has enough saturation during her days, filled with finding their families, their friends, and telling them, telling them, telling them.

When she’s with Alex, she feels proud of M’gann for going back to Mars to campaign against genocidal racism, not sad and miserable and mildly but guiltily betrayed because one of her only real friends is suddenly on a different planet.

When she’s with Alex, she doesn’t down quite so much bourbon, because she doesn’t think quite so much about the deaths on the job and the torture she’s cleaned up after and the persistent nagging feeling that she’s not doing enough, never doing enough, to make the police force a force for actual good.

When she’s with Alex, she gets called things like the best, and tough, and genius, and sexy, and you stay in bed and I’ll make the coffee today, babe, you’re always so good to me, I want to start taking care of you; she doesn’t have so much time or bandwidth to reflect on past heartbreak, on the terror that this will end the same way, on the way she tends to lose all her friends in breakups, the way she tends to lose all her self-esteem in the palms of women who don’t understand who she is.

But Alex is away in Geneva, and Alex skypes every night, but briefly, briefly, and Alex looks so damn good in a pantsuit and Maggie can’t help but be scared, be terrified, that she’ll meet someone else, that she’ll meet someone new, someone better, someone with a better pedigree, some white chick who has six degrees and isn’t just some local cop and whose only baggage is a six-figure salary and a history of absolutely no mental health issues.

So Maggie is downing as much bourbon as that new white boy will serve her – and he’s not M’gann, he probably doesn’t deserve to be mentioned in the same thought bubble as her, so he doesn’t cut her off, he doesn’t slide her a glass of water, he doesn’t put his hand on her shoulder, on her cheek, and remind her that she’s got a lot to be proud of. He just serves up more alcohol, and she just keeps drinking it, and the world starts splitting in two but he doesn’t stop serving so she doesn’t stop drinking.

And suddenly there are a pair of strong hands on her shoulders, and she thinks of Alex, just for a moment, but it’s the other Danvers sister, the little one, the one Alex idolizes and the one who idolizes Alex, and Maggie feels a lopsided grin twist onto her face and hears the slight slur in her words.

“Ey, it’s Little Danvers! How you doing, kid?”

Kara arches a sympathetic eyebrow and keeps one hand on Maggie’s back as she lowers herself onto the stool next to her.

“How are you doing, Maggie?” She puts the seltzer Mon El silently gives her into Maggie’s hands, and she makes a note to firmly explain to him the finer points of keeping his customers safe later.

“You know your sister looks really incredible in a suit. I met her in a suit, you know. On that tarmac, when she was pretending to be FBI, and damn I knew I was a goner then and there.”

Maggie sips for a long, long moment at Kara’s seltzer and stares into her blue eyes for a long moment. “You’re really pretty too, you know, Little Danvers. Both the Danvers girls, huh? Bet someone in Geneva’s gonna try to pick her up, ya think? And of course she’ll leave me, because come on, who wouldn’t, and I mean, I told her, I knew, right, she only wants me because she’s just coming out and I’m all bright and shiny on account of her just realizing her feelings, right, I mean, who wouldn’t leave me, right Little Danvers?”

Kara listens with soft eyes and puts the straw up to Maggie’s lips, encouraging her to drink more seltzer. Maggie obeys, and Kara reaches a tentative hand out to brush Maggie’s hair away from her face, just like she does for Alex. For her first big sister.

“Alex loves you, Maggie. And not just because she’s just coming out. You know that, right? That she loves you?”

Maggie shakes her head and tries to order another shot, and Kara cancels it and gets another seltzer instead.

“But she’s amazing, Little Danvers. Kara. Does it bother you that I call you Little Danvers? Because obviously you’re not littler than me, but because Alex, you, it.. anyway… I just… she thinks she fails at everything, all the time, you know, but she’s just… she’s perfect, Kara, perfect for me, and I’ve never… I’ve never had anyone treat me like she treats me, like I’m… like I’m worth a damn, you know, Little Danvers?”

Kara nods softly. “And you’re afraid of that being taken away? Because she looks good in a pantsuit and there are probably hot women in Geneva.”

Maggie laughs bitterly. “Well when you put it that way I sound like a whiny, insecure kid.”

Kara smiles and shakes her head. “No. Not to me. You know what you sound like to me? You sound like someone who dotes on my sister, when my sister has never, ever been paid proper attention to, let alone been doted on, in her whole life. You sound like someone who loves with her whole heart, her whole being, and who’s only gotten punished for it. But Maggie, I know Alex. Alex isn’t… Alex isn’t going to do that to you. Alex loves you, Maggie. For you. Because that thing you said, about her thinking she fails all the time, but really she’s perfect for you? That’s how she feels about you, Maggie. That’s how she feels about you.”

Maggie stares at Kara for a long time, and Kara returns her gaze gently, gently, affectionately. Because she misses Alex, too, and she’s been jealous of Maggie – so jealous – but Maggie has the same fear of losing Alex that she does, and the love that underlies that fear just might be the thing to keep them all together.

“Come on,” Kara concludes abruptly, putting her arm around Maggie’s waist and guiding her to stand.

“Whoa, I know I said you’re pretty, Little Danvers, but I’m not trying to – ”

Kara laughs at Maggie’s drunken ridiculousness gently. “I know you’re not trying to, Maggie. I’m putting you to bed. Oh. Um. That didn’t sound – you need to rest. Come on. I’ll take you home and tuck you in.”

“Does being a saint run in your family, Little Danvers?” Maggie wants to know as she walks as straight as she can out the back door with Kara’s arm around her. Kara just chuckles as she hails a cab, because she doesn’t think Maggie’s stomach could tolerate being flown.

When she has her tucked in – Maggie stumbles out of her jeans and strips off her shirt and Kara averts her eyes – she turns off the light and sets a glass of water on the bedside table.

“Kara?” Maggie mutters, and Kara stills. “Stay?”

Kara smiles and nods and crawls into bed next to her sister’s girlfriend. “Alex loves you, Maggie. Alex loves you so much.”

Maggie falls asleep with Kara’s arms around her and a smile on her face, because this must be what it feels like to have a sister.