Entry 4: First Heartbreak

August 21, 2015

A lot has changed, and it pains me.

It's been a rollercoaster ride for the past weeks and I hated the majority of that ride, I hate it so much! I felt betrayed and stupid for even feeling this way for him. Probably it was my fault too, for even saying that stupid thing. Now, who's hurting?! Stupid Maia!

Our practices are still ongoing and I'm freaking beat. I'm so tired of it already, I just wanted it done. We don't talk much anymore if you're wondering and yeah I think that's likely my fault? I don't know anymore. So he was kind of feeling down and of course as a concerned "friend" yeah, emphasis on the friend ha! You make me laugh Maia! Such a dumbass! Anyway! I comforted him, said comforting words like, "if you need someone to talk to, I'm always here" crap then he suddenly asked me, "Why are you so good to me?" Once again, I freaking panicked! Obviously, I didn't want to get freaking caught! And ruined our "potentially blooming relationship" — I know, I'm assuming here! I don't want to ruin anything because everything's going all too well between us. Plus, my mom would kill me if she knew this kind of conversation I'm having with a guy. I didn't know what to say! I'm thinking too much that my head's about to explode so I told him,

"What do you mean? I'm your friend? Why would I not be good to you?"

Yeah, I did the act all innocent stunt! But get this THAT DID NOT CONTENT ME! With all that "INNOCENT ACT!" Oh my gosh! I'm so stupid! I added the: "Plus, I wanted to be your best friend too!" Bullshit! Ugh, I'm so embarrassing!

After that encounter, he suddenly changes. Like, he would take time to reply to our messages, and he felt distant from me even if we're in the class. He's not the same anymore. I guess I ruined us. Senseless me just ruined everything for us. How great! I just want to cry all day! This is too stressful! Our examination's around the corner, then our recollection's fast approaching, lastly the competition! There's just so much going on my plate right now. I don't think I can handle this sudden change. Dash is not just a typical guy for me, you know.

I'm well aware that this might sound cliche but that's the truth. Dash is my comfort blanket. He gives me warmth and security, especially whenever I would feel unloved and insecure pretty much about everything. He indeed likes teasing people but when you get to know him, he's so much deeper than that, he's special. Dash is a sweet person too I remember how he would take care of me sometimes or just simply checking in if I'm alright. Those little things… those little things always get me. The girl he'll love would be so damn lucky to have him.

Suddenly he changes back to being playful around me once again. Unfortunately, even if he's back to being energetic and crazy, I still felt different. He's still not the old Dash I knew. Something has changed. Until one night, he messaged me, sharing that he has a crush on Kaiya. The beautiful and intelligent Kaiya Russell. She's our classmate right there and then something hit me.

That's what's different. Before, he would only be goofy and playful around me, but now… he's goofy and playful around Kaiya, too. It devastated me when he told me that. Kaiya's beautiful, confident, kind, and intelligent! Heck! My only advantage over her is my height! How the hell can I compete with that?! I hate Dash for making me feel this way. I feel more insecure now. Nice job Dash!

Do you know what's more painful? This is what I wanted, right? To be his best friend, that's why he's sharing those things with me, but this felt awful, it felt like a bus hitting me repeatedly; it hurts so bad. Naturally, I have to be thrilled for him. As a best friend, it's my job to support and cheer for him. Often, I would tease him around Kaiya, too, and by the way, that's not all that has happened. He mentioned he had a dream about Kaiya! When I read that message, I swear I felt something crumble inside of me. That was our thing! He had a dream about me too! He had a crush on me too, although he said it was his brother. I'm still hoping up to this day that he just got shy admitting that's why he made up that excuse. I know I'm a masochist.

I only wrote this because I can't take it anymore. After all, even the universe must have been on their side. How ironic! It moved dash to another seat. Would you like to guess who's his new seatmate? Yeah, you guessed it right, it's Kaiya! I'm so pissed off at our adviser earlier, but then I realized this is probably a sign to move on from him like, duh! This is just a simple crush why am I even feeling this way!

But who am I kidding?! The pain's excruciating. Then, I have to pretend that I'm alright basically to anyone I know because I don't want people asking me things. This is my first time feeling this way and I'm not liking any of this.

Somehow I got better when Dash and Kaiya got scolded by a substitute teacher for being touchy with each other. Well, when you put it in that context it's not something to feel better about but at least someone stopped them from flirting with each other. He looks happy with her. I'm happy for him if he truly is. After all, he deserves that.

That's what I'm all thinking about as I look at them laughing at each other. I let out a smile, thinking; that's what we looked like before. I was that happy with him. I'm not gonna lie a tear tried escaping from my eyes, fortunately, my hands' quicker to wipe it. I just bowed my head on the armrest and tried to sleep all the pain while waiting for our teacher.

I told you a lot has changed, and it pains me… it pains me because it felt like I'm actually at fault for why that change happened. I just want to sleep all day and not do anything anymore.

August 24, 2015

What a tiring day today…

We had our recollection today. Still, I don't have much energy when I got to class but somehow I felt a little better when I started receiving letters from my classmates, which I didn't expect. I appreciate them exerting effort to do such a thing and I regret not writing letters for them too.

If you're asking what's the letter for, well I think you can call it a tradition in our school. I don't know the entire purpose of it but I guess it's just a simple gesture to show appreciation to your classmates. It's not required, it's actually up to us whether or not to write something for our friends. Like me, since I didn't have a mood to write a bunch of letters for my classmates, I just wrote something for my best friends and thank God I didn't write a letter for Dash, well I wrote something indeed, thankfully I stopped midway realizing I was close to admitting my feelings in that stupid letter.

Anyway, the day went okay; I guess? Like I said, I was not feeling well the whole time, I'm getting all drowsy, but I tried my best to fight it off. I'm also trying to fight off looking at Dash's direction to avoid getting myself hurt. Why? You ask? Simple, she's with Kaiya. That's it, no explanation is needed.

Our recollection was good. I actually did some reflection and felt much closer to God. It pretty much helped me survive the day without having my breakdown in front of everyone. Just like I said from the last entry, there's that excruciating pain I'm feeling in my heart, but I can't—I don't know how to express it. I wanted to cry badly, but nothing is coming out. That's why I just simply focused my thought on today's agenda. You know recollection is a glorious thing because once in a while it would give us a chance to get to know each other more with all the sharing we do.

Sadly, it was only for a limited time. I got upset knowing that after our recollection we'll still have our practice for the speech choir competition. They didn't even give us time to rest, but I understand the competition is just around the corner.

Before we started, we had our snacks first, Paisley, along with our other classmates, sat on the floor because they remove the chairs for more space to practice our performance. Everyone's busy eating the snacks but I didn't eat mine because there's an egg on it. So I just grabbed my Zesto drink, but I can't freaking poke the whole on it. Until I heard someone asked, "Need some help?" I just got goosebumps when I heard his voice, oh dear! How I missed those lovely voices.

At first, I ignored him and tried poking the juice once again, but it was useless, so I took a deep sigh of defeat and just hand him the juice. With ease, he managed to put the straw through it. I'm freaking cursing the juice in my head for not cooperating earlier. I gave him a brief look and said my thanks before looking away and pretended to have a conversation with Paisley.

I panicked, alright! I didn't expect him to come over to our place and offer me some help since he's too busy with Kaiya. Paisley, on the other hand, got weirded out of my action and left me there with Dash! She wanted me to talk to Dash because she thinks "I'M BEING UNFAIR TO DASH!!" How could she say that?! How am I the unfair one?! He's the one more happy than me, right? But I know she's almost right so, I gathered my strength and tried to talk to him, however before I could even speak he suddenly looks at me and asks if I'm okay because he saw how lethargic I was, then he freaking placed his hand on my forehead probably to check if I'm hot or what. I was caught off guard with what he didn't, so I looked at him with a shocked face, mind you; I don't think I breathed that time too.

See how much Dash affects me?! Is this even normal?! Please save from this feeling. I tried my very best to calm myself and smiled at him before nodding. I can't talk, I know the moment I open my mouth, at that moment I know, I just know, I'll cry, I'll ugly cry in front of him. I can't… I can't do that.