Forbidden answers

"Please Valerian, I know there is something else. You have to tell me. Please!"

Valerian does not look back as he makes his way to the stair well, his body irresponsive to my calls. It is as if my voice is barely a whisper on the wind. What could possibly be so bad that he has chosen to ignore me? Surely, surely, there isn't anything more horrific than someone having their soul taken apart and scattered among the heavens... right?

"Valerian," I beg, almost tearful now, exasperated at having the answers that I so desperately crave purposefully alluded from me. For a second, I see a shiver run through his body, only slight in the darkness of the room, but it is there sure enough. This time, he cannot ignore me.

"... Please do not worry yourself over it, chérie. Good night, Elowyn," he repeats, his voice suddenly sinking to a dull, emotionless drone, as though all the life, the warmth, has been sucked out of him in one fell swoop. Hopeless, I reach out to him from across the room, my fingers grasping empty air. Just one last attempt.

"Valerian, please," I call -practically beg- one last time, defeat already instilling itself into my blood. Its like my mother all over again- her wilful ignorance of my requests, the isolation, the loneliness... A painful ache brews in my soul. "You said you would be there for me, I thought you were better than this, better than my mother. You said you wouldn't lie to me."

Before he reaches the rim of the stair, suddenly he draws himself to a halt. The words seem to hit him- hit him hard, enough to make him pause mid step, his body rock solid at the other end of the room. I cannot see his face through the half light of the shadows, but if I could, I know what I would find there: guilt. A ragged sigh whispers across the room as the atmosphere suddenly becomes cold with a melancholy grief, as though those words I had called to him are not the first time he has heard them spoken.

Seconds pass in silence, seconds of nothing but me and him, and the heavy breathes exhaled from my throat, my chest unusually tight, heart pounding against the confines of my rib cage. Another ragged gasps escapes the vacuum of sound between us as Valerian tilts his head around to face me. Under the blanket of shadows, his eyes are fresh with a watery light, his cheeks glistening with a trail of water that trickles gently down his cheek. A weight drops in my stomach.

Whoever knew that anguish could look so beautiful.

"The last thing I want," he whispers with a choking gasp, raising his head in order to gain some composure. "Is to be like your mother. I do not want to hurt you, Princess. I never have done."

My eyes darting from the watery trail down his cheek, to the teary smile that is only for my sake, I frantically shake my head.

"No- I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, I just-"

"Elowyn," he says softly, so softly that I almost feel my heart crack, almost feel bad for pushing him to tell me. Perhaps that was selfish of me. After all, it isn't like he isn't entitled to have his own secrets.

"There is a time and a place for what you want to know. But telling you know would only serve to give you more questions than answers, you might not even believe me if I do say," he warns, taking a step back as he looks me over, readying himself to leave. Then running his fingers through his hair, he thinks better of it as he makes his way carefully towards the bed. Absently, like a strange father figure, he tucks me under the covers, hands working quickly, and I am relieved to find that peculiar blank expression wiped from his face- along with the tears.

Settling down into the downy soft duvets, I give him a small pout, wiggling to get myself comfy, not quite given up on the whole situation. I know in my heart asking such a big thing of him is selfish, I know that and yet... I can't ignore the tugging at my heart which compels me to prod for the answers my mind so desperately craves.

"But-"

Valerian presses a finger to my lips.

"No, Elowyn. Not today. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day, and you already have enough on your plate, I would not desire to give you more to think about. Forget about what I told you just now. At least for the meantime. You are safe with me, you are my consort now, a member of my court, nobody will hurt you," he assures, lifting his finger from my lips as he takes a step back, ducking under the curtains as he steps around the room, wiping off his hands against his trousers as he dances his way towards the door.

Feebly, I stretch my fingers out towards him, my mind still racing to claim answers.

"Will you ever tell me?"

Silhouetted by the light that creeps up from the stairwell, Valerian stops still. After a while, he murmurs softly:

"Perhaps, though I suspect I won't need to."

He doesn't say any more on the matter, leaving my mind to run wild with questions. What on earth is that supposed to mean?

"I will see you in the morning, Elowyn. Try not to dawdle on such matters too much. It is unwise to let such thoughts… fester."

The shadows have consumed him before I even manage to get the chance to say goodbye, his form whisked away into the darkness. With it goes the mysteries and answers he has too all my questions, locked up somewhere deep in his heart in a place I never hope to reach. Frustration nibbles at my insides. But I suppose I only have myself to blame for lingering over such frivolous questions.

Sighing, I roll over in bed, staring at the empty space beside me, my mind revolving with a tumultuous chaos over the events of today, of the people I have met, and everything I have done.

All at once I suddenly get the feeling that things aren't going to be the same from now on. And that is going to be the biggest understatement I have made all year.

"Oh Alastor," I whisper into the empty air, my breath pluming in rivers of smoky mist against the cold. Despairingly, I drag myself deeper under the covers, desiring to bring an ounce of warmth back to my body, a warmth which has left the room with the departure of my newly found companion.

"I did it. I made it to the Downside. And now I am a consort to the most mysterious, feared creature in all the realms. I really have dug myself into a hole here, huh?" I chuckle to the empty air, before adding under my breath. "You know, he isn't so bad though. But that's about the only thing I can say for sure. I hope things are better up there for you then they are here. I doubt things are so confusing for you," I say, smiling a little to myself, my fingers pattering over the empty silken bed with a ponderous thought. And then I sigh, curling up once more, my eyes fluttering shut.

"I don't know who I am any more Al, I used to know, but now…" I press my eyes shut further, desperately attempting to hold that memory, the vision of my smiling kitsune friend close in my mind. But the vision is blurred with drunken thoughts and hazy waves of drowsiness that suck at my cognition like leeches, threatening to pull me under. A vision flashes through my memory: a vision of a dark haired man, his hand held out to me, his violet eyes twinkling as he pulls me into a dance. For a moment, I almost think that memory is my own.

"What's the use," I laugh pitifully, wiping away a glimmer of wetness that has arisen on my cheek. "There is no point talking to myself. You are way up there, and I am way down here. But… I hope I can see you soon, Al," I whisper, my voice fading out against the blackness of the night. And with a small Dilopuff plodding its way over to nuzzle against my cheek, I soon find my cognitive thoughts slipping away, tugged into the land of sleep and horrible, heart wrenching nightmares.