Chapter 35

The next day I got out of bed only after nobody was home. I wasn't sure I could keep my composure if I saw their faces. I wasn't that strong of a person.

So I dragged myself in front of my wardrobe to look for some clothes. For a while, I think this is my last chance to appear pretty. I chose simple black jeans and a cute blouse with a little bow on the front. I tried to pin up my hair in a somewhat elegant way, but I didn't know how successful I was. Anyway, I was quite happy with the result. I decided to put on some make-up and finished off with pink lipstick.

I must say I looked nice. I wish I could live my every day like this but... It's time to settle my debts.

I didn't want to take my own car so I called a taxi and told the taxi driver to take me to the heart of the city. It was a quiet, calm journey. I usually didn't pay attention to the scenery, or the things I passed by, but I wanted to remember everything this time because I didn't know when I would have a chance to witness it again in person.

After paying for the ride and getting out of the vehicle I went to a stationery store. I wasn't the type of person who went there often, but I wanted to write my letters on a nice piece of paper.

I chose the papers and envelopes myself and then asked the shop assistant to recommend me a pen that writes very nicely.

My next stop was a cafe I had never been to before. It was a stylish, spacious place dominated by black and red. There weren't many plants, it was the abstract paintings that caught people's attention. All in all, it was a nice little shop, but I preferred my workplace.

I ordered a caramel latte and while I waited for it I thought about what to write. I had a lot of thoughts before but suddenly my mind went blank. Well, I just wanted to be completely honest with them for the first and last time.

My latte had stolen my attention for a little while, it was beautifully presented. I was happy that it was the last I would drink as a free person. And the taste was superb too.

I took out my first piece of paper. My mother liked simple things so I chose a white one with little daisies on the side. Really. How should I even start? 

Dear Mother,

Thank you for always loving me, standing up for me and worrying about me. For treating my wounds and drying my tears. That you were by my side when I failed and you encouraged me not to give up.

Thank you for teaching me so many things and for trying to raise me to be the best I could be, given the circumstances and the material. Thank you for the scolding, and the harsh words, because I needed them, even if I didn't see it at the time. And I'm sorry that I was never the child, the daughter you deserved. I'm sorry for not loving you enough, for being so selfish, for the bad words I said. But I hope you know, I never meant them.

Forgive me for the pain, the wrinkles and gray hairs I've caused. I'm sorry if I gave you reasons for concern or if I gave you a headache, if I made problems that were difficult to solve.

I'm sorry for the many disappointments I caused you and thank you for still loving me and never thinking of giving up on me.

And I am sorry for not telling you what happened with Seth before. I couldn't see it back then but it would have been better if I asked for your help. And thank you for being willing to carry the weight of this secret to the grave for me. But this is not what I want anymore.

I can't say I have never blamed you but with time I realized it wasn't your fault. Things just happen in life. I have no resentment or hatred in my heart towards you, I only wish for your happiness. Please, just think about yourself and do whatever makes you happy.

So yes, I thank and apologize for everything I can.

Your daughter

I felt that it turned out to be a very clumsy and jumbled letter, but I didn't think I could write it in a way that I was really happy with, so I put it in the envelope and sealed it.

I took out the next one and took a sip of my latte. It was a lavender-colored paper with little blue flowers.

Dear Ailish,

I'm sorry for the pain and hurtful words that will surely come your way in the future because of me. I wish I could be there to cover your eyes and your ears, but I can't be with you in the future.

I'm sorry that I have to break the promise I made to you that I'll always be by your side, but I hope you understand why I decided the way I did.

I won't begrudge you denying me like your sister if it makes your life easier. Again, I'm just being selfish, I just want to make myself feel better by trying to take a load off you. I'm sorry.

You should know that I am grateful that you became my little sister. I don't think I could have treasured anyone more than you and anyone could have been as kind to me as you.

I hope that after you overcome this ordeal, only happiness awaits you in the future. Never try to keep quiet and solve everything on your own. If you feel something is wrong, ask for help from mother or anyone you think is appropriate.

I am sure that you will hear and read many things about me, that many injustices will befall you because of me and I am sorry for that, but I ask you to judge me only based on the facts.

I can accept your hatred and resentment. You have the right to feel what you feel, but you need to know that I will always love you.

Your big sister

I felt like I wasn't able to fully convey my feelings to Ailish, but I still hoped they would reach her. She's just a kid so I'm sure she'll have the hardest time handling the situation. I wish there was some way for her to stay out of this. But that was impossible.

Sighing, I put the third paper on the table. It was an emerald green decorated with tiny red roses. I bought it because the colors reminded me of the addressee.

Dear Shannon,

Thank you for being my friend all these years. I am very grateful for all the support you have given me, especially in recent times.

You always shone so brightly in my eyes... Sometimes I was jealous but I knew how hard it was for you to reach that point so in the end I was just happy that you were smiling.

Without you, I don't think I would be here. I didn't notice it before, but you being by my side gave me strength and a reason to wake up and go to school on bad days. I knew you would be my safe oasis.

I am sorry that I have never been completely honest with you. I am sure it was hard to be friends with someone like me with so many lies and half-truths. Yet, you didn't give up on me. Thank you.

Soon the truth will be revealed and you will know everything. I am sorry if it will be painful or hard to believe. I can assure you I will only say what actually happened so you can believe it.

I won't be mad if you deny our friendship if it makes your life easier. I only wish for your happiness and I hope you will always have a smile on your face.

Your best friend

I felt I never expressed enough how much I appreciate and how grateful I am to her, but I hope she will feel my sincerity in this letter. You have always been one of my biggest supporters and you should know that.

I took out the next letter paper, a plain white one without any decorations. Originally, I didn't want to write him a letter, but seeing this reminded me of him and I didn't want him to feel left out.

Liam,

I don't have much to say to you. We barely know each other and I don't particularly like you. But Shannon saw something in you, so you better try to live up to her expectations.

Be by her side, be her support in difficult times and make her smile. Never betray her trust or cheat on her.

If you hurt her in any way and we meet again in this life, you will regret it.

Shannon's friend

Yes, it was more of a threatening letter than anything else, but I felt better after writing it. I trust Shannon, but it doesn't hurt if someone warns him. I want them to be happy, but he hasn't really won my trust yet.

I took out the last paper, it was decorated with little stars here and there on a white background. I wanted to write this letter, but I wasn't sure I would ever send it.

My one and only Rhys,

I am sorry for all the pain I have caused. I was never enough good for you or to you and it makes me sad. I wonder if we had met sooner would things have turned out differently? Well, there is no point in thinking about it.

It probably doesn't seem like it, but I'm grateful to you. You showed me the way to happiness and made me happy for a while. Sometimes I believed that we could be happy together, but there was always a little voice in the background that reminded me of who I am.

I didn't want to drag you down with me into the deep, so I decided it's better if we continue on separate paths. Yes, I was selfish and that's why you have the right to hate me. Please hate me. Forget me.

I know you've always said you don't want a good girl for yourself, so I'm not going to wish you that. I rather hope you meet a bad girl in the future who will make you happy

.Don't be nice to me, please. I know you and I don't want you to say you will wait for me. I believe that you love me at this moment and are willing to make sacrifices for me, but I don't want that. I don't want you or anyone to put a hold on their life because of me.

I am not fine but I will be. I need time but I believe in myself. I am strong and I can overcome this too. So I hope you will also find your own happiness, even without me.

Someone who will always be grateful to you

A single tear rolled down my face as I sealed the envelope. This was the final goodbye. Sighing, I drank the last sip of coffee, put my things away, put on my jacket and left the cafe.

I stopped on a bridge looking for a mailbox. I looked down and up, then at my hands. Heaven, hell, me.

I can still change my mind. I don't have to go through this painful path, there is an easier way. With a little laugh, I went on.

I'm not who I used to be. A long time ago, I couldn't even imagine doing this of my own volition. I would have chosen death rather than being locked up and having my pain and sins revealed to the whole world. But I don't care what the world thinks anymore.

Similar and much worse things happen every day and yet the world remains indifferent. And if the world is not affected by my pain, why should I care about its reaction?

I'm only interested in what those who love and whom I love think and feel. And I think that's the least painful way for all of us. Maybe at first, it seems better if I remain silent, but to hide it until the grave and live in fear of what will happen if it is found out... would actually be a much longer-lasting pain.

This is going to hurt now. For all of us. But after some time, the relief remains and only the memory of the pain, with the possibility of happiness.

Therefore, I felt no regret as I sent my letters to the recipients. I was able to walk towards the police with a smile and felt no fear when I asked for Édoard Elliott.

He looked tired and not particularly happy to see me. Still, he politely offered a seat and tea.

„Why did you want to see me?" He asked with the urgency of someone who doesn't have a minute to waste. Sorry, but this is probably going to be long.

„I killed Seth Michels." I said slowly, clearly, and for the first time since I've known him, he seemed surprised.

„Are you sure?" The question was not about whether I was sure that I had killed him, but about whether I wanted to do it all the way through.

I was shocked that he wanted to give me a chance to turn back, knowing how much he disliked me, but it was probably for Rhys' sake. Still, I was touched. But...

„Yes, I killed him." I repeated myself firmly.

„I see." He said resignedly, knowing that it would be a very long and tiring day.