Chapter 20

As I climbed out of the car, I saw him. He was not wearing a scarf, hat or gloves. The wind played freely with his black locks like a mischievous child.

I like autumn. It's a little weird that I am realizing this at such an age. Sometimes it makes me a bit melancholic, but I like watching the colourful leaves and the way they slowly fall to the ground and feeling in the air that something is coming to an end—the beginning of something new.

And the wind is somehow different than usual. It's cold, yes, but gentle in a way, though it can be biting too, especially in the morning. Then there are the couples who won't let go of each other's hands, they would rather lose an arm than do that. Strangely, this is something I find endearing in the fall as well. This also contributes to the atmosphere of autumn just like hot chocolate, a cup of hot coffee or mulled wine. The point is that it should be warm.

Jesus! What's wrong with me? I don't usually have such thoughts. Autumn is nice, that's all. There's nothing to dwell on.

Before I could even take a step towards him, he was already beside me, smiling warmly at me.

„Why are you smiling so much?" I looked at him curiously, then realized that maybe I shouldn't start a conversation like that. It doesn't matter anymore. I have already said it and I can't take it back.

„Because I can start my day with you." My not-to-nice question seemingly didn't spoil his mood.

„Let's go." I murmured and without even looking at him, I crossed the street to get to the other side.

As we entered, we were greeted by the scent of freshly brewed coffee and pleasant warm. We went to an empty table and I took off my autumn accessories while he unbuttoned his jacket. It didn't take long for Loren to come up to us and ask for our order.

„I guess I don't need to ask how you got our number." I glanced at him from the other side of the table after Loren left us. After all, Liam could find it too, so it was probably even easier for him. He smiled cheekily at me in response. „What would you have done if my mother answered the phone? What would you have said to her? Would you have invited her to breakfast too?" I asked sarcastically and he pretended to think about it.

„Why not?" He shrugged in the end. „My goal was to spend my morning with a beautiful woman and your mother is still very pretty." I gave him a dirty look and he laughed at me. „I would have come up with something. But if you give me your mobile number, I promise I'll never call you on a landline." Clever. Why shouldn't I give it to him? It's not a big deal.

I grabbed a napkin and took out my pen. Yes, I am the kind of person who always has at least one in my bag or anywhere on me. After I had written it, I slid it to his side. He looked awfully satisfied as he put it in his pocket. I was about to say something to wipe that look off his face when Loren returned with our orders. Rhys smiled kindly at her as he thanked her and she blushed. I wanted to kick him, but I didn't, because that would have been too childish. I just looked at him grumpily. Yeah, because it's so damn grown up. Sulking because of a smile. I think I still have to grow up.

„Are you still on leave?" I broke the slightly tense silence.

„Yes, I am." He sighed sadly. „I am perfectly well, but Édoards thinks I still need a few days to recover. He worries too much." He suddenly frowned.

„What is it?" I asked, a little afraid of the answer. He looked troubled.

„I really don't want to ruin this morning, but it might be better if you know. Seth's body will be released to your mother soon." Well, yes, this is not the topic I would choose for breakfast.

All of a sudden, my somewhat good mood was gone, and so was my appetite. What am I doing? Am I putting myself in danger because of a feeling I don't understand and can't even fully believe? When did I become so reckless and foolish? If Rhys knew what I did, he wouldn't smile at me like that again, he wouldn't want my company or want anything from me. He only likes me because he doesn't actually know who I am. Everything he sees is a lie. I can't start a relationship based on untrue facts. It would only end in pain. For me and him too. And that's something I don't want.

I jumped up, grabbed my stuff and left him. Not caring about anything, I walked forward on the street. He shouted after me but I didn't stop.

„Wait!" He took hold of my arm and pulled me back. „Are you out of your mind?" I had never seen him so upset before, and it somehow filled me with satisfaction. „Why are you running around the street in a hoodie in autumn?" He grabbed the scarf from my hand and wrapped it around my neck. I wouldn't have been surprised if he tried to strangle me, but in the end, he didn't. Then he made me put on my coat and zipped it up. I only had my gloves left, so I quickly shoved them into my pocket before he started on something else.

„Are you done, daddy?" I smirked at him mockingly, which he rewarded with an angry look.

„You are such a brat." He sighed. „Come!"

He grabbed my hand and locked his on it. Our palms pressed together. It was a simple touch but it shook me. So much so that I didn't even object when he started dragging me along. Despite the cold, his hands were warm and his grip was firm, masculine. Mine almost got lost in his, it was so big. And it was pleasant. It felt good to walk hand in hand with someone, although it was a bit embarrassing. But that could only be because of my paranoia, because I imagined that everyone was looking at him and me. Obviously, it wasn't like that.

When there was no one around us, he stopped and turned me to face him. He let go of my hand. I felt a little disappointed but I tried to banish the feeling.

„Why did you run away?" He asked with attentive eyes. „I know it's an uncomfortable topic, but not so much that you have to run like that." What can I say to that? The truth? That would be a rare moment.

„You can't understand this." I muttered. He is also probably the type of person who never plays another role and is always himself. Because he has no reason to and because he is much braver than me.

„If you tell me, I will try." He looked seriously into my eyes, but he was tense. And I almost believed he could understand. But he is a detective, damn it! A dedicated fighter for justice. How could he understand a murder?

„No, I don't think so." I said it so quietly that he couldn't even hear it. „You know..." Then I started talking anyway. „I don't mind that Seth died at all. What's more, I am glad about it." I finally admitted it out loud too. „I hated him. Can you understand that feeling?" I pierced him with a questioning look, but he didn't answer. „You can't, right?" I shook my head sadly. „You don't know me, Rhys. I am not kind, sweet or charming. I am not good. And I am dead sure I am not who you think I am. That's why I ran away, because I realized all this again. You like someone who doesn't even exist. I don't want to disappoint you or myself." I gave him one last look and then walked past him. That's the best way.

„Do you run because it's easier?" He yelled after me, losing his composure. „I thought you are braver than this, if not brave." It was a bullseye, but it didn't make me stop. But he followed me. „And I thought we were over it. I believed that you would not run away from me again." He sighed in frustration. „It seems I was wrong. And as for the hate, I understand it." I stopped and didn't move. „My father was run over by a drunk truck driver at a pedestrian crossing. He died instantly, he had no chance. I hate that man and I was very pleased to see him behind bars. Even though he has a family to take care of. But hate triumphs over nobler feelings, it seems. It's been a few years since then, he is still in prison and I still haven't been able to forgive him and I don't think I ever will." I can understand that because there are unforgivable things in this world. „And about the other things you said... Even if you're not good, you're really charming. Of course, this alone would not be enough, but I like you and not someone I created in my mind. I know you've had a hard life. Your eyes say a lot more than your mouth, no matter how hard you try to hide it. And I don't even need a girl who is always cheerful and smiling, plus she is the embodiment of goodness. I am only interested in you right now." Right now? And later? I wanted to ask, but I asked another question instead.

„If you like me so much, then what do you like about me?"

„Hmm.. I like your little, uncertain smiles that look like you don't even know how to smile. But I love those smiles of yours even more, which surprise even you, because I know they are genuine. And I like your eyes, I always get lost in them. The softness of your voice, the way you take care of your sister, and your willingness to work for your family even when you are busy studying. I think it's all wonderful. The way you are Shannon's friend, the way you stand by her and your subtle kindness. You say it's not you? Did I just imagine all of this?" By the end, only a few centimetres separated us.

„You only focus on the good things to forget the negative ones." I continued to resist.

„Why don't you just let me see you as a better person?"

„Because then there would be too much disappointment in the end."

„But that would be my disappointment." He sighed. Isn't that what I told Édoard Elliot? But it wasn't like I was trying to protect him. It was all about me. I don't want to feel disappointed or sad. I am selfish. I don't deserve his attention at all.

„You just don't understand. I... I am so confused. I am so entangled within myself. I have no better words, I don't know how to express it. I feel like there is a tangled nothingness in me, and if I untangle it, maybe there could be something, but I don't even know how to start."

„Then let me help you get started." He requested but I just shook my head.

„But what if I am afraid of it?" From what would be the something that I would find at the end.

„What are you afraid of?" So many things that I couldn't even list them all myself without forgetting one of them. „No matter what, I will protect you." I was a little moved by this too-late offer. My mouth twisted into a wry smile, and he noticed it too.

I don't think anyone can protect me because our true enemy is not outside, but inside. In our hearts. We can be our own worst enemy. No one knows our weak points and insecurities better than ourselves.

„Now you are laughing at me." He remarked sadly. „It's not surprising. I make a fool of myself and talk nonsense."

„No! It's not the case!" I didn't want to make him feel bad. „I wasn't laughing at you, but at myself and my stupid situation. I don't want to hurt you." At least that was true. „But I will if you insist on this. We will hurt each other, it's inevitable." I warned him.

„I take the risk. And you?" I looked into his eyes and I got lost in them. He looked so determined and confident. I wanted... this something that was going on between us. How could I refuse it?

„Me too." I said it softly, but more firmly than I felt. He gasped like a drowning man who had finally reached the surface. The tension left his entire body. 

I wasn't sure what to do next, but he seemed to have an idea. His lips curled into a sly little smile and I get a bad feeling.

„You dropped this." He bent down for one of my gloves and while I was concentrating on it, he pulled me closer and softly touched his mouth to mine. It didn't take more than a moment. But what a moment it was and I didn't even have to gag afterwards! His lips were soft and warm and gently pressed against mine. It wasn't forceful at all and that made it perfect.

I looked up at him curiously, waiting for an explanation.

„You gazed at me like you were waiting for a kiss." The golden dots sparkled mischievously.

„What?" I feigned indignation, but he just laughed.

„Okay, okay!" He gave in. „I wanted to kiss you. That's better?" I nodded and he took my hand and led me back to my car. Slowly, very slowly.