7. Chapter seven

The room was dark.

There wasn't much activity in the room, no sounds either, aside from the pitter-patter of the raindrops that hit the window, and my own thudding heartbeat. It's a little cold, considering the rain, but it's never this cold before-

No, that's wrong.

The room wasn't dark. It was me, who covered my vision by hiding my face inside of a cushion pillow. There's light streaming through the gaps between my cheeks and the pillow, seeping through in soft waves. Not very bright, so I didn't have to squint as I lifted my head up just a tiiiny bit to look at her.

Mother was there, sitting on the opposite couch, her eyes looked down at me and I felt small, smaller than I already am as she asked me with arms crossed on her lap, "Why won't you drink your medicine?"

"I'm not sick." I told her and tossed the pillow aside to show her my pout, the one that always works. "Doctor said you don't have to drink medicine if you're not sick, and I'm not sick."

"No, you are sick, look at how pale you are, my dear…" Mother looks into my eyes with a worried smile. I feel bad for causing her to worry, but.. not bad enough to drink the medicine. Look away from her eyes so I won't feel bad! "Darling, you have to drink the medicine if you want to get better."

"It makes me sleepy, weak," I try to find all my excuses, already prepared and ready to recite for her, she would understand! "I don't like sleeping too long, Mother, it makes my head ouchie. I miss having dinners together too, because I keep sleeping…"

Mother nodded while hearing me, her smile turned gentle once I was done talking. See, she'd understand! Mother didn't look sad anymore as she pulled me to her lap and embraced me, petting my head gently, just like when she was reading me bedtime stories. Her arms have always been the warmest place I know of, even better than the fireplace during winter, I love it.

"I understand, darling, but," Mother pauses in patting my hair, her hand gently tilted my chin to face her still worried face, her pink eyes and hair glimmering under the crystal light like a gem. "this illness of yours will persist if you keep avoiding taking medicine. It has to get worse before it gets better."

I felt a tinge of pain in my chest when I realized I'd failed in persuading her. She still forced me to take the medicine. I've told her I don't like it! Did she forget, I just said it a moment ago!! "But I don't like it! It's bitter, it hurts when I drink it.. Mother, can't I drink something else? Another medicine??"

It's only after the words have left my mouth that I feel that something is wrong, bad. Mother looked at me disappointed, her eyes no longer warm, though her hold on me remained comfortable, tight, as she let out a very long sigh.

Mother turns away to call for my nanny, "Bring it here." she says, as an older maid who'd always helped Mother comes out of the shadow, carrying a big, covered bowl and sets it down on the low table. The bottom hit the table with a loud 'thunk!', but the old maid didn't say anything until she went away again, exiting the room fully this time. She didn't say goodbye before leaving, even though Nanny said that you should always do that-

"Darling, do you know what this is?" Mother's voice calls for my attention and I soon forgot about the nanny.

I was about to shake my head, no, but as soon as she lifted the lid, instant recognition came to me. I'd never mistake that slimy, smelly liquid anywhere! 

"That is.. my medicine."

"That's right! But this isn't just your medicine," Mother praises me with a happy face, happier than I ever seen on her face. "Darling, this is the amount that you have to drink if you want to recover."

"T-this much?" I ask, feeling my throat dry as I look at the pot. It's bigger than my head! That is.. so much medicine. "All of it..?"

"Mhm!" Mother smiled as she rested her hand on me, running her hands on my hair once more, "It's a lot, isn't it? You've only been fed a few sips at a time, so it doesn't seem like much!"

"I-" I feel my voice dying in my throat, my eyes glued to the medicine-filled bowl, feeling myself on the verge of tears as I try to imagine how many more sips will I have to take and cannot. Because I cannot count more than ten, I didn't know how many tens it would take to finish the medicine!

"Mother! I'll never finish the medicine at this rate! I'll have to keep drinking it until I'm old!!"

It came out without meaning to. The tears, the shout, I didn't mean to behave so unladylike- so I flinched when I felt my mother shaking hands and looked at her expecting to see another disappointed and sad gaze.

Only.. she's smiling..? Mother is smiling at me as if I've just said a joke funnier than brother Theo, her grin stretches from ear to ear and, soon, a chuckle comes out of her lips.

I didn't know why, but I did not like when her laughter was directed at me.

"Ah, silly child! Of course you'll finish it!" Mother soothes me again as she brings the bowl closer to the edge of the low table, and I feel like I understand when the lip of the bowl comes up to the base of my neck. "You have to, otherwise, you'll never feel better."

I know that I'm not sick, it was the scent of the medicine making me sick! I never felt so much headache before I drank it, nor have I felt sleepy that lasts the whole day before! Why won't she believe me?!!

 I'm not sick! It's the medicine's fault that I'm sick! "Then I'll just never feel better!"

Deep in my heart, I know that I've said the wrong thing, that I've hurt Mother, but I was so so angry at her. For having to drink this medicine, for never being allowed outside anymore, for having Nanny go home so she can't visit me anymore, for sending away the kind Doctor Sheila.

I'm so angry at her that, even though I can't hate her, I tried to hurt Mother in the only way I know how.

Mother remains silent in her seat. I didn't dare look up after what I'd said, my hands were busy drying the tears on my cheeks, and I was still so angry at her that I was going to get up and leave before Mother cried and made me feel bad—

"Then you can just die."

I didn't feel it, initially, but when I came to, I found my entire vision going blank and the taste of the medicine burning through my mouth and nose.

"If you're not going to get better, you might as well die. I'm sure the amount of sympathy I'll get will be enough to make for the medicine's cost."

It hurts!

"I'll make sure your father will invite many of his business partners, ah, I should invite those girls from the academy, this will make a great excuse for us to meet again!"

It hurts! My eyes hurt, my face hurts, my neck hurts so much!!! It hurts please please please

"It will be a wonderful reunion! I wonder if I have a dress appropriate enough for—"

I stopped fighting back and screamed as loud as I could, but it didn't help. It didn't help the pain, it didn't give me any air, it didn't let me hear my mother's words as my brain failed to understand it anyway.

Die. Mother said I'm going to die. This.. is how it feels to die. It almost feels like falling asleep. . .

 "Kohokk!! Hoek!! Kah-!"

I didn't sleep. Instead, the sleep fades away from my nose and mouth and fills me with burning, sweet burning of air that I drank greedily. My limbs, heavier than lead, move jerkily without coordination as I flail and writhe on the floor like a worm in the dirt.

The water had swallowed all. My words, my reasoning.. There was none of them left as the water left every passage of my body, washing away everything- everything I thought I knew.

By the baptism of water, I am reborn anew, I've become someone other than. Other than a naive child, other than a beloved daughter, other than an ignorant puppet who's yet to be strung along.

My limbs remain numb, I think I'm on the floor, but it doesn't hurt more than me coughing out the water out of my lungs and looking up to the sight of my Mother, smiling down on me lovingly, her charcoal eyes resting on me as she pushes back her salt and pepper hair behind her ears.

For the first time, I did not find myself safe under her gaze.

"I've allowed you a chance to die, but you didn't die." Mother said, her smile showing signs of her age as lines wrinkled at the edge of her cheeks formed by her cold, plaster-like grin. "Is that what you chose, my dear daughter? You wish to stay alive?"

There's a force holding me down, making my head heavy and my eyes blurry, pulling over my neck like a leash on a beast— it orders me to stay.

I laugh.

In defiance, with frustration, fueled boiling rage that numb all hurt, I force myself to look at the face of the tormentor in the eyes and with what remains of my voice, I whisper to the cold rainy air filled with ghosts of a foreign past.

"Do not taint the memory of my mother to gain sympathy, Carlyanne, all you need to do is ask."

The scene shatters. Words echoes in the room as splinters of memories crack and fall down into the deep dark bellow as statics fill my ears while the light brightens and blinds my eyes. My senses are getting messed up, it feels as if I'm falling up and looking sideways to the bottom of the void.

My voice might said what I want to say, what I needed to say to break out of this nightmare but deep down, I felt the press of her lips that night had formed another, shorter answer that started the countdown of her demise.

**********

"Huu.."

My breathing became the first thing I'm conscious about. The air is cool, dry, reminiscent of summer nights that I'm familiar with.

Slowly, carefully, I open my eyes to the sight of a bed canopy. The silk hangs silently on the four poles, their sheen tints with the soft blue color of the sky. There's a cool feeling on my forehead, I'm guessing a compress, and the feel of someone's presence on my left —

"!!!"

..If I can be honest with myself, there's no way I can say that the memory doesn't affect me. It isn't the kind of movie experience that greets me on the first day, but more of an experience. Every breath choked, every draw of water filling her lungs, I feel it too. It's only after my rage ceases that I get to assess the damage which shows when I flinch the moment I figure I'm not alone in the room.

Thankfully, it's just Sieghart. My heart that threatens to leap out and about to book a ticket to the Carribean manages to calm down once I recognize him through my blurry vision. Just like the taste of medicine that Carlyanne recognized in the soup, I will never fail to identify this man even once in my second life.

After all, I will always know it's him by–

"Miss..!"

Ah, fuck, I think I'm going to faint again! Sorry, Sieghart! I hope whatever you're saying can wait until I'm conscious again! Take care!