A Moment to Grieve

We sneak back inside our tend and bring He Rang with us

-Let me take a look- I say crouching in front of him -It's fine, it's not serious really- he wants to push me away but is unable to, due to the pain of walking all the way back on a wounded leg, his strength is weakening.

Qin Luo brings a chair and pushes him down on it, then takes a basin and some clean cloths before coming beside me.

I begin to remove his pants and cut a hole through the the underclothing to leave him some dignity.

-How's the wound?- he asks me -They just barely missed his arteries luckily, but the wound isn't looking so good... It's deep. It got worse since he insisted on walking and we need to clean it asap... Go call someone from the infirmary and tell them to bring a straw mat so we can move him there-

-N no!- Shouts He Rang -If we go to the infirmary they will discover we sneaked out...- -Are you seriously worried about that now?!- I yell back at him and his face twists -But you will loose everything ChangLai...-

-So be it- I reply with clenched firsts.

...

Everyone currently gathered outside the infirmary's tend is clearly anxious, we all know what the most possible outcome is when you wound s limb in war...

Finally Zhou comes out and immediately all the mumbling or shaking people becomes still, looking at the boy with fear about his upcoming words.

-So? How is he?- asks Xu Lei, Zhou's lips tremble as a sign of him trying to control his face -He's alive, he won't lose the leg either and will be send back home to rest untill fully recovered- after saying those words he falls on his knees trembling and sobbing.

I move to reach him but Shun grabs my arm and pulls me away, the stare he gives me is difficult to understand... Sadness, rage, relieve, helplessness... -Don't worry Lai'Er, we got this- his voice is cold -But- -It's ok, you can go back and rest- his words should sound much nicer than how he says them, it's clear that he doesn't want me around but is trying to show some politeness -Mhn, then I'll take my leave-.

...

I throw what's left of my armor on the table and splash myself with cold water -Don't take it to heart Lai'Er, I'm sure everyone's just on edge- whispers Qin Luo behind me -I'm not mad Ge, he's right. I know what he's thinking, he always pitied me back at the Training grounds. He's saying "I told you", afterall He Rang got hurt because of me... His whole life will change from now own simply because I order him to go on a stupid secret Mission- I turn to face him while letting down my hair and untying my boots.

-Then it is my fault too, I'm the one who sent him there instead of you. I wanted to protect you, I knew you would have tried to infiltrate in their base or started a fight and if that happened the General's might discover us.... So that's why I sent him without thinking about the mist logical option, yes you would have started a fight but at least nobody would have gotten injured. I'm selfish, I don't deserve the position of Head General-

-If I didn't ask you to go there with me in the first place, nothing of this would have happened. Stop taking blame when it's clearly not your fault. I always knew that this path I chose was going to bring pain, that other might end up getting killed because of me, that my friends might end up despising me... It's just... Harder than I thought to bear- I sigh and he rushes to my side, hugging me tight

-I got scared Ge, I really thought he was gonna die... Such things will happen more and more so I need to let go of these feelings, I'm scared at the thought of loosing any of you but I still need to go on, I don't want this to hold me back... Nan and uncle Lao... They both died to protect me, Nan's face was...-

-It's ok, you still didn't let that stop you and saved us and fought your best. Now you can grieve them without any need to hold back-

I feel my eyes burning as I recall them alive, uncle Lao and his dumb son often came to out house, he would play with me and pamper me with gifts whenever he came. I served him tea countless of times and he was always so lively...

Nan too, he was always smiling and following me around like a happy puppy. He would joke with my men whenever I was too strict or when Qin Luo come to meet me. He trusted me completely and never questioned my orders, he believed I was the one needed to end this war and died for that.

He had a bit of a smile when he died, he really thought I was some kind of divine envoy... With that tiny body of his and shy attitude, he still had more courage than most of those Ranked Soldiers hiding behind their men. If only I was able to give him a better burial...

Only half of his body was left and no ceremony was held.

The memory of his happy face blends in with the blood covered face and missing limbs image, ruining even the happy memories of the past.

I hide my face in Qin Luo's chest and hug him back, tight enough to suffocate him... The idea of something similar happening to him breaks me in half. He's my happy place, the one who I know will always be beside me when the others might despise me. I shouldn't have let myself to grow so attached to him...

I don't want to lose him more than anyone else, he and my brother are part of me, no matter how much I can deny it.

Qin Luo caresses my hair, uncaring for the pain caused by my grip or the salty tears soaking his clothes. He's too tender, too in love for his own good.

I feel bad using him like this, I can't give him what he deserve but I still want him to be there for me, blindly following me to the end of the world without looking back at others...

I try to put some distance between us but my intention goes out the door once he lowers his head barely, lightly touching my lips with his in an attempt of comfort, not knowing what else to do.

-You can't just do that... And think it will solve everything- I whisper, my lips still caressing his own with each word, he smiles at my words and pecks my lips quickly -I'm afraid that is all I have to offer you, so you'll have to bear with it. You're not really going to be picky with the offerings of your poor believers, no?- with these words he snatches a smile from me and happily cages me with his whole self.