Prologue: Ted Really is Just a Loser

This is a story about Ted, and the day he was supposed to die. That, and the simple salvation that is water, sugar, and yeast.

Ted was twenty-eight years old when he was supposed to die. He grew up with tons of advantages. His family had plenty of money, sure it was because his parents both worked two jobs, but they never went hungry. He had five sisters, and they basically got along growing up. Sure, there were fights now and then, but what siblings don't fight? He was smart too. Soaked up information like a sponge, and everyone said what great things he would do when he got older. He had plenty of friends and did well in sports. Of course, once Middle School hit some things got turbulent for Ted. Strife between him and his parents thanks to his lack of effort in school. But he sailed through that and finished high school with respectable grades, despite never pushing himself. However, college was a different beast. Something ate away at him while he was there, and he had to drop out. That meant finding a job, but even at 19, he still had such a low drive. His mother pushed him, and he eventually got a job working at a big chain grocery store. Everyone told him that was fine. He was working and that was just fine. He didn't have to go to college. But, under all that praise was still the push from others that he could do great things. That he was destined for more.

Nine years later, he was still working at that same grocery store, in the same position. He never applied for any promotion. He just came to work and did his job. For nine years, day in and day out. Then he got a message. His high school reunion was coming up. It had been ten years, and what had he accomplished? It all finally dawned on him. He never even made an effort to see any of his high school friends. Never reached out. Now they were all going to be gathered in one place. With some reluctance, Ted decided he should go. It was a big step for him, actually reaching out, in a way, after all this time.

The reunion was at his old school, and just like ten years ago, parking was sparce. He actually had to find a spot a couple blocks out. The streets were small, and with people parked on both sides, what was a two-lane street was essentially now just a single lane one. On the walk in it gave him time to think. What would he say to everyone? What had they all been up to? What would they look like? He had gotten a bit pudgier compared to his lean high school figure, but would others have also let themselves go? Josh, DeShawn, Steve, Diante, Socrates, Nicky, George, and all the others. Would they recognize him? Would they care?

"Is that...Ted? No way! It is you!"

Ted turned slowly as he saw the absolutely chiseled jaw of Diante walking up behind him. He was stunned like a deer in the headlights as his old friend sped up and wrapped him in a tight hug. "It's been so long! What have you been up to man?"

Ted mumbled incoherently, and Diante just laughed in response.

"What happened? That quick wit of yours disappear along with your abs?" Diante teased as he playfully tapped Ted's stomach. "You've got to be doing well if you can keep a gut like that up."

Ted knew he didn't mean anything by it. He was being friendly, but all he could see was what he had lost to time and his own inaction.

Diante hesitated a moment, like he had realized all of this himself. "Hey, you know what? It doesn't matter. I'm just glad to see you. It's been what? Ten years?" He let out a sigh as he wrapped an arm around Ted. "Honestly man. It's good to see you. I've really missed you. I know after the high school trip things were a little..."

The sound of screeching tires roared behind them. Ted and Diante turned around. A truck had seemingly lost control and was headed straight for a woman walking on the opposite side of the small road. Ted stood dumbfounded as, without hesitation, Diante leaped into action. He sprinted across the street and with a leap and his outstretched arm, he just managed to push the girl out of the truck's path as it slammed into him.

Ted couldn't believe his eyes and stood in shock as a bright light engulfed Diante's body. It burned his eyes as Ted moved an arm up to protect them. A powerful wind whipped around him pushing him towards the light. Somehow, he managed to trip over his own feet and let out a yelp as he flew straight into the light. With a resounding,

THOOM!!!

He was gone.

Ted found himself in a dark void, falling. Before he could adjust to his new settings he slammed into the ground with a groan as he could hear someone talking in the distance.

"Due...bravery...love...entrust...hope..."

Ted groaned as he managed to pull himself up and started to head towards the voices. There were two he didn't recognize, but he could swear the third voice was Diante. Ted felt disoriented and confused, so of course he tried to move towards something familiar. The three voices kept talking but moving around made it harder to hear for some reason. At least until he finally made it close enough to see. It was strange. There was nothing but inky blackness and then, all of a sudden, there was what looked like a triangle of light highlighting three figures talking with one sitting on an ornate throne.

"I'll do what I can," it was Diante, and he was holding a piece of paper as he spoke to the figure on the throne. Ted's eyes had trouble focusing on them, and so they just seemed blurry, same as the other figure standing at the bottom of the throne. Ted reached out, but before he could say anything, Diante seemed to fall straight down through the floor itself.

"What's going on? Who are you?" Ted finally managed to call out as his old friend disappeared from sight.

The two blurry figures stood silent as Ted slowly got closer. As he stepped into light, they seemed to get clearer until they stood fully formed. They were both beautiful woman. They seemed to fit every imaginable desire for the female form all at once. Contradicting themselves while somehow making sense to look at. Yet, beyond that something was wrong. They felt off to Ted, but he couldn't quite pinpoint why.

"Look, I'm a little confused here. Any chance you two could help me out?"

The women both stood rigid, and then a pair of sensual voice rang out from all around him. They were soothing, calming, and arousing all at once.

"We did not expect another brave soul so soon."

"Yet of course, you are welcome here, in this place of rebirth."

That had done it. The voice. It opened Ted's eyes the rest of the way. They were puppets. Fakes. He could see it. Long tentacles holding them up. Their mouths didn't even move. Why, they were nothing more advanced than cardboard cutouts.

"What...what are you? Where am I?"

The feminine voices now turned deep, guttural, and sent a primeval sense of fear down Ted's spine.

"Ahf' ah llll bug? ah fahf ehye c' mgr'luh llll ahf' c' ah?"

"ahf' ahnythor c' ah?"

"H' ah'ehye mgepah'uh'enah, ng h' n'gha ephainog ephaiaglor llllw'nafh."

"Please, I'm just confused. I don't know how I got here or what's going on."

Ted's brain started to hurt as the voices overlapped each other. With the soothing feminine voices reassuring him.

"This is a holy place. No harm will come to you here."

"Yet it seems you do not belong here."

"Yes, you seem to have been caught in an...accident."

"Do not worry. We will figure this out. You just need to be patient."

"Yes, this has not happened before after all. Usually, this place can only be reached by the spirits of the noble dead, but you, well..."

"You are not dead, and that complicates things."

All while in the background he could hear the unnatural, primeval sounds ringing out alongside the puppet's empty platitudes.

"Ah'lw'nafh ahor nafl ahna geb Tthngrll!"

"Mg geb h' ah'legeth?"

"C' ahor nafl mgah'ehye ph'nglui ah'lloigshogg fahf agl. H' ahor k'rst nilgh'ri! H' ahnythor epgoka ng ephaiaglor."

"Og vulgtmnah. H' ephaiah shog llll h'."

"Mgepathg. Y' ah lloigehye ymg' mgr'luh mgleth ot ya aimgr'luhh hai."

Ted did not like it. The longer he stayed here the more everything felt wrong. Even the floor he was standing on that had felt so sturdy now felt more like a kind of sand almost. "Hey, why don't I just go back? You seem busy, and I don't want to bother you. Just point me in the right direction and I'll be on my way."

A cold silence fell over everything. For a moment Ted felt the urge to run, to scream, to do anything, but like before, he hesitated. Thanks to his lack of action the puppet girls quickly surrounded him, with the tentacles holding them encircling him completely. There was a deep lump in his throat as he desperately searched the darkness for whoever the puppet master was. It seems the light was too bright though, as it made seeing anything outside of it nearly impossible. Again, the girls tried to reassure him as he felt the floor beneath him start to crack and splinter.

"It is okay brave one. Your noble spirit will guide you."

"Yes, just relax and take a deep breath before you fall. This type of portal was never meant to move the living."

"Wait! Let's just think about...thiiiiiiiiiiisssssssssssss!!!!" Ted let out a yell as his feet fell through the floor. There was a strange pressure around his body before it felt like he was hit across the forehead with a baseball bat.

In the distant darkness a small chuckle rang out as the tentacles moved away from the now closing portal. It was just as she had planned. The first pawn had been moved perfectly and no one else even knew that the game had started.

Ted had no idea how long he was out for. All he knew was that his back felt sore from lying on what seemed to be gravel for who knows how long. He groaned as he saw a myriad of small divots in his skin. A few of the tiny rocks even seemed to miss him as they clung to the imprints they had dug into his skin. He started picking them out as he appraised his surroundings. There was a field of low, green vegetation that was more bush than grass, but unlike anything he had seen. The sky was dark and ominous with lightning flashing through the clouds, but oddly he couldn't hear any thunder. He was standing on a gravel pit that led up to a derelict wooden building that seemed to have stood the test of time despite all odds against it. Everything else seemed fairly normal, there were a few trees scattered about, and then realization hit Ted like a truck. In the sky around him there were massive floating rocks, and after a quick jog he discovered he was on one of them as well. Peering down over the edge he saw a massive purple ball of light pulsing as similar chunks circled around it. It was like a planet's core had pressed out until it shattered, and the chunks of the planet went into an impossibly low orbit around it. Above everything else, it was quiet. As if he was the only thing alive, which after his encounter with those tentacle puppets he suspected might be true.

Ted slumped to the ground near the edge of the floating rock he was on. A thought crossed his mind. He could simply fall forward, and then he wouldn't have to worry about anything else.

"I've really missed you."

For some reason, Diante's words rang in his mind and caused him to tear up. No, this wasn't really what he wanted. Despite everything, he didn't want it to end. No, not really. He pulled himself up and turned towards the building as the death of his friend suddenly pulled at his heart. He hadn't had a chance to even process it until now. But he had also seen Diante after he was surely dead. He talked to the puppets too...he wondered what happened to him as tears fell down his cheeks.

The door groaned as Ted forced it open. The place was a mess, but besides some cobwebs and broken furniture it seemed alright. In fact, as he looked closer it became clear that this place used to be some kind of restaurant. It was almost medieval, with everything being made of sturdy wood. As another pang of sadness hit him, he suddenly had an urge. An urge for alcohol to numb this ache. He found his way to the kitchen but was disappointed. He could only find barrels of water. He opened every cabinet, and the food was sparse too. Flour, sugar, yeast, and not much else. There weren't even any cookbooks, but there were plenty of giant pots and pans of course. In frustration he tossed a small, wooden bucket against a wall, and it landed in what he thought was a walk-in oven. After the bucket fell in, the door slammed shut behind it. There was a loud clicking that drew Ted's attention. He walked closer as he saw a dial slowly spin. It was on 450 and had started to count down. Ted was too upset to figure out how to stop this oven and figured if it burned down the place that'd be fine with him. He would press on but living on water and hopefully bread was not something he was looking forward to.

Ted lied down in the strange bushes, and they were surprisingly comfy. He remembered back in Track and Field in between heats they would sometimes find weird grass with seeds they would chew. He fiddled around with the bush and found something like little seeds. He plucked a piece off and put them in his mouth. He sighed happily as they burst with sweetness and seemed to wash away some of his frustration. He didn't know how long he was lying there, but he could hear something beeping. He figured it was the oven, so he tried to settle back down, but the beeping just kept getting on his nerves. Finally, he gave in and went to check on it.

He was right, it was the oven, he went over and unsealed it. As it swung open, he expected to see and smell ash, but instead it just smelled like sap, and the bucket was right there. It was just faded. Ted leaned down and picked it up. It was fine. In fact, it almost seemed a little sturdier. Then inspiration hit him. Almost like someone had whispered it into his ear, he knew. This thing had aged the bucket! Years were moments, and with that he turned back to the sparse ingredients and smiled.

He grabbed the biggest pot he had, he started to fill it with water. He had tried his hand at this once before, but he still remembered the most basic premise. Water, sugar, and yeast. Heat the water, add the sugar, cool it down and add the yeast, cover it and let it age. If he had a balloon he could make a fake airlock, but he figured in that big oven he didn't have much to risk from trying an open fermentation. Which he was willing to risk with how quick the turnaround would be with this machine here.

He managed to find some brown sugar, so he decided to do a Rum wash. Give it a little something besides raw alcohol flavor.

"Let's see, that was..." Ted plucked at his mind until he remembered. "About two pounds per gallon. Hmm, this is a ten-gallon pot, so eight gallons water, and sixteen pounds of brown sugar. Let's see..." He tossed some water out as he essentially eyeballed the whole thing. He knew it wasn't an exact science anyway. Not for something like this. It was just to get alcohol content up, not for grandiose flavors or anything.

With just an hour or so of boiling water, dissolving sugar, letting it cool down, and adding the yeast, everything was ready. He waited until the yeast started to bubble on the top, then he groaned as he struggled to lift the pot and slowly shifted his way over to the special oven. The brown liquid sloshed and spilled as he moved, but he was too determined to stop now. Finally, he set it down inside, and after some fiddling set it for two months. He figured one week or two probably would've been fine, but with it sealed in there nothing bad should happen if he left it to ferment for longer. He looked down at his now sticky clothes and let his alcohol ferment as he searched for anything to change into.

At last, after what felt like hours of searching, he finally found a sort of puffy shirt and some old-fashioned leggings, that actually fit, in a dusty bedroom. As he was finishing up, he felt the ground shake followed by an intense roar. He rushed over to the window and saw a flash of light slowly dissipate. He tried to lean up to see what it was when he heard a familiar ding and rushed to check on his alcohol. Whatever had landed could wait just a little longer as he tied a loose apron around his waist to protect his new set of clothes.