Zog's Normal, Boring Earth Life

Once upon a time in a quaint little town on Earth, there lived an exceptionally ordinary man named Zog Zorblatt. His existence was so bland that his daily routine consisted of precisely 74 seconds of brushing his teeth (48 of which were spent debating whether the pink toothpaste or the green one was more exciting). Zog's life was as vanilla as an unflavored ice cream cone on a drizzly afternoon.

But little did Zog know that his life was about to take a spectacular turn towards the fantastically absurd. It all began with the most mundane of events: the arrival of the Pizza-Delivery UFO.

Zog, sporting mismatched socks with a questionable choice of polka-dotted pajamas, was contemplating whether he should eat cereal or oatmeal for breakfast when he heard an unusual whooshing sound. In a world where car alarms were usually the most exciting noise, this was an event of epic proportions.

Rushing to the window, Zog was astounded to see a spaceship, shaped like a giant pizza slice, hovering above his house. "Oh, great," he mumbled, "I must be dreaming."

The spaceship's top opened like a pizza box, and out floated a crew of extraterrestrial beings who appeared to be made entirely of marshmallows. They sang harmoniously in a language that resembled a cross between operatic Italian and the sound of squeaky rubber ducks. Zog was flabbergasted.

The marshmallow aliens descended onto his front lawn, and one of them handed Zog a clipboard with a form on it. "Greetings, Earthling! We've come to deliver your pizza!"

Zog blinked, looked at the clipboard, and then back at the marshmallow beings. "Pizza? I didn't order a pizza-shaped spaceship."

The marshmallow leader shrugged, or at least, Zog assumed it was a shrug, given that it didn't have shoulders. "Must be a glitch in the cosmic order. But rules are rules. Please sign for your pizza."

Zog hesitantly signed his name on the clipboard. As soon as the signature was scrawled, the pizza spaceship folded back into a slice and zipped away into the stratosphere.

That was just the beginning.

The marshmallow aliens, who introduced themselves as the Mellotians, explained that they were on a mission to sample the finest Earthly pizzas for a galactic pizza competition. They offered Zog a ride on their candy-striped, flying unicorn (a common mode of transport in their part of the cosmos) and whisked him away to the Moon, which was in the middle of a cheese rebellion.

The inhabitants of the Moon were various dairy products that had declared war on one another. The cheese slices had formed a formidable army, while the butter pats had allied with the creamers. Zog watched in awe as the marshmallow aliens entered into negotiations with the feuding factions. Using a gigantic frying pan as a conference table, they managed to broker a cheesy peace treaty.

As a gesture of gratitude, Zog was given a magical, anti-gravity donkey to ride back to Earth. The donkey's name was Flapjack, and it could fly by flapping its pancake-like ears. Together, they soared through the cosmos on a syrupy adventure that would make any dentist faint.

But before Zog and Flapjack could make it back home, they were intercepted by a space-time anomaly, which promptly transformed them into singing asteroids. Zog belted out an impromptu cosmic rock opera while Flapjack harmonized with asteroid-busting solos. They received applause from a passing comet.

By the time they'd escaped the anomaly and regained their forms, Zog had encountered sentient marshmallows, settled a cheese rebellion on the Moon, and been inducted into an asteroid rock band. It was a Tuesday he'd never forget.

As he floated through space on the back of Flapjack, Zog couldn't help but grin. "I guess today's breakfast decision wasn't so important after all," he chuckled.

Little did he know that the universe had more perplexing and preposterous adventures in store. Zog Zorblatt was about to become the protagonist of a tale that would make the bizarre seem ordinary and the ordinary seem utterly outlandish.