7. Chapter 7

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Carina stood there, frozen, for a while until Jo and a resident walked out of the doors, Jo stopping immediately when she saw her friend.

"James, go update Mr. Anderson on his wife's condition," Wilson said, making sure he didn't have any questions before going to Carina.

"What happened?" Jo asked gently.

"Maya's back in surgery," Carina said so quietly Jo almost didn't hear her before bursting into tears.

"Oh, Carina," the other OB said, pulling her into a hug, "What happened?"

Carina was sobbing so much she couldn't answer, Jo deciding they needed to go somewhere and sit down. She took Carina to the attendings breakroom, which was close by, just sitting her down on the couch.

Carina cried for a long time, Jo just rubbing her back. She texted her resident while they were sitting there, asking for him to have the nurses page whoever was on call because she wasn't going to be working for the rest of the day. She only had about four hours left on her shift anyway. She still had no idea what was going on with Maya, but she knew whatever it was, it was breaking Carina and she was not about to leave her.

"Hey," Amelia said, coming into the longue not long after Carina's tears had tapered off, "I heard what happened. Carina, what do you need?"

The Italian was just lying on the couch, her head in Jo's lap, staring off.

"She had a complete breakdown," Jo said as Amelia sat down, "What the hell happened?"

"Maya is septic," Amelia said, "It all happened really fast, but Mer's in the OR doing an abdominal washout. She also ripped her stitches."

Jo nodded, looking down at Carina, seeing she was still lost in her own head.

Both Jo and Amelia just sat there with Carina, the Italian not moving at all. Her brain was going so fast though. She shouldn't have let herself fall asleep. She should have been keeping a better eye on Maya's temperature and blood pressure. Had her wife felt warm earlier in the day? She should have caught the signs of sepsis.

If her wife died… Carina let out a whimper as she thought about it, hearing distant voices asking something, but she couldn't hear them. She felt hands on her back, flinching because every nerve in her body felt overstimulated and painful.

Pain, Maya must be in so much pain. She should have caught it. Her wife was in surgery because she hadn't been keeping a close enough eye on her. Her wife might not ever come back to her because she wasn't there, wasn't paying enough attention, just like her brother. She hadn't done what she needed to then and he died. People she loved kept getting hurt and she wasn't doing what she needed to to make sure they were alright.

She pulled her knees up to her chest, wanting nothing more than to disappear from reality right now. She knew her friends were there, but she couldn't get out of her head enough to even hear them. All she wanted was her wife to be ok.

"What should we do?" Jo asked Amelia as Carina just laid there, shaking and crying.

"Right now, we just need to be here," Amelia said, sighing, "Hopefully, she'll come out of this soon. She had a really bad sensory overload day yesterday so that could be happening again. I can sit with her if you need to get back to work."

"I told them to page the on-call," Jo said, shaking her head, "The floor only has one laboring mom right now, and I finished my surgeries for the day."

"Ok," Amelia said, "I am going to run back to Maya's room and grab something that I am hoping will help."

Jo nodded as Amelia got up.

"We are here for you Carina," Jo said, careful not to touch Carina because that clearly was not what she needed right now.

Amelia came back a few minutes later with Carina's blanket, putting it over her friend, the OB's hands immediately wrapping around the soft material. The three of them just sat there for a few minutes, Carina with her blanket over her head, before she pulled the blanket down a little, wincing at the light.

"Hey," Amelia said, trying to get Carina's eyes on her, "Carina, can you hear me?"

Carina nodded a little, finally having worked herself through the worst of the episode for now.

"Is there anything we can do?" Amelia asked gently, "Do you want something to drink or one of us to go get an update or literally anything you need or want?"

"Can we go back to Maya's room?" Carina asked, knowing this was a pretty public space and she needed a place she could control more.

She thought about going to her office, but Maya's room sounded more appealing right now.

"Of course," Amelia nodded.

"I can go get you an update," Jo offered, knowing that would probably also help.

Carina nodded a little as she stood, Amelia wrapping an arm around her as she swayed a little.

"Come on," Amelia said, guiding her down the hall as Jo headed in the opposite direction, "Also, do you think maybe you would be up for a shower? It might help, and no offense Carina, but you are starting to stink."

"I…I guess," Carina said, not able to remember the last shower she had had, but she was fairly sure it had been the morning before she started her last shift, the one she had taken with her wife that had almost made both of them late for work because Maya decided to take her time with the shower sex, Carina having to make her stop because they both needed to get going. Maya had said they should just blow off work, stay home and spend the day together.

Both of them knew she was joking, the blonde never liking to miss work, but now, Carina wished they had just skipped work, stayed in bed together all day. She felt the tears building behind her eyes again as they got to Maya's room.

"Ok, so shower?" Amelia said, turning to look at Carina only to see tears streaming down her face again.

"Oh, Carina," Amelia said, wrapping her arms around her friend as the Italian cried.

"Sorry," Carina said, pulling away after a few minutes, "Sorry about all of this."

"No," Amelia said, shaking her head, "I don't want to hear that again. This situation is impossibly hard and you are allowed to feel whatever and however you are feeling however you need to. If that means that we sit here and you cry or scream or we just sit in silence or something else, then we will do that. I am off work and Link is with Scout and Jo is off too so whatever you need, we will do that. And if you want to just be alone, I probably won't leave the room, but you can sit by yourself and just do your own thing, but the one thing you will not do, is apologize."

Carina nodded, wiping at her eyes. Just then, Jo walked in.

"Ok," she said, "So Meredith is still working on washing out the infection from her abdomen. Her labs came back and the infection is in her blood, but they are hoping the washout and some strong antibiotics will help knock it out. Her blood pressure is low, but they have her on pressers and that seems to be helping. Her kidney isn't doing super well at the moment so she might end up on dialysis. Mer thinks it's going to be another hour or two, just to make sure they have everything cleaned out. She thinks this started from the small bowel perf, but it could have been the drains."

"But she's alive?" Carina asked, trying to remind herself to take deep breaths.

"She is," Jo nodded, "And she's doing ok."

"Grazie," Carina nodded, smiling at her as best as she could, "Ok, I will go take a shower now."

"Just tell us if you need anything," Amelia said as Carina went over to her bag, pulling out some clean clothes, almost starting to cry again when she saw that Andy had packed her favorite sweatshirt of Maya's, the one she would always wear when she was struggling with her PTSD and sensory issues at home.

She took it, along with some sweat pants, into the bathroom, happy there was a shower. She had grabbed the shampoo and conditioner Andy had packed, not even paying attention to the bottles.

She started the shower, pulling off her clothes and taking down her hair before climbing in. She closed her eyes, squeezing some of the shampoo into her hand.

As soon as the smell hit her, she felt her chest get tight. It was Maya's shampoo. They each had their own kind, Maya preferring a eucalyptus mint scent while Carina used a lavender. The smell of Maya's shampoo was both overwhelming and comforting, Carina washing her hair with it.

She managed to get her hair and body both cleaned before she got hit with another wave of anxiety and fear, sliding down in the corner of the shower, not caring that this was a hospital shower because standing was too much at the moment.

She put her head on her knees, her position reminding her of the time that she had spent trying to sleep in the shower after Andrea had died, the memory making her even more overwhelmed.

In the back of her mind, Carina was kicking herself, telling herself she needed to be stronger than this, that she should be able to handle this. She had been through hell and back when Andrea died. Her wife was alive. She should be happy about it, but she had been happy when Andrea had survived at first too, and it made losing him just that much harder.

She couldn't go through that kind of heartbreak again so maybe not getting her hopes up that Maya was going to pull through would make it easier if she lost her. The thought of losing her made Carina start sobbing again, just letting the water mix with the tears as they went down the drain.

She had no idea how long she was sitting there, but suddenly, there was a knock on the door.

"Carina," Amelia called, "Are you ok in there?"

"Si," Carina said, trying hard to stop the tears as she forced herself off the floor, "Si. I am alright."

"Ok," Amelia said, "Cause you've been in there for almost an hour."

"I will be out soon," Carina called, turning off the water.

The hospital towel was scratchy and hurt her skin, but she dried herself off quickly, pulling on her wife's sweatshirt, just relishing in the familiarity. She put on her pants before leaving the bathroom, finding that Amelia had pulled the cot back out, her blanket sitting on it.

"Meredith just sent me an update," Jo said, "It's gonna be another 45 minutes. They are putting her on kidney dialysis because her kidney is struggling, but Mer is hopeful that it will adjust with a little help."

Carina nodded, putting her dirty clothes back in her bag.

"Why don't you try to get some rest?" Amelia said as Carina sat down on the cot, "Maya is in surgery and in the best hands possible, but I am worried you are going to wear yourself down."

"Also, I got you some orange juice, apple juice, grape juice, and cranberry juice because I know you don't feel like eating, but you need to get something down," Jo said, "You can chose which one you want, but you need to drink one."

"Orange juice, please?" Carina said, taking the bottle from Jo, "Grazie."

"Do you need anything else?" Amelia asked, "Maybe some food or your phone?"

"Damn it," Carina said, rubbing her forehead as she finished the juice, "I told 19 they could come by today. I should probably see if anyone asked to come."

"I'll take care of it," Jo said, "Just unlock your phone, and I'll text everyone back."

"I should probably let them come," Carina said, rubbing at her swollen eyes, "They've all been waiting."

"It's up to you," Jo said, looking at her friend, "Maya is probably going to be out the rest of the day so if you are up to people, I can tell them to come."

"I just want quiet," Carina said, tears filling her eyes as she started feeling overwhelmed again, "And I want Maya to be ok."

"Ok," Amelia said, sitting down next to her friend, "We will turn off the lights and give you quiet, ok? Just relax."

Amelia got Carina to lay down, pulling the blanket over her, "Jo and I are just going to step in the hall for a second," Amelia said, "I'll be right back."

Amelia and Jo stepped out into the hall, the neurosurgeon looking at the OB.

"Ok, she is falling apart," Amelia said, "Tell Travis, Vic, Ben, or Andy they can come if they are the people that asked, but only one at a time and are quiet. Everyone else can wait because Carina isn't nearly as close with them and is not up for that today. I am going to go sit in there with her, can you go keep an eye on Maya and text me when Mer's done?"

"Yeah, of course," Jo nodded, "Let me know if there's anything else I can do."

Amelia nodded, going back into the room, sitting down in the chair everyone had been occupying when they took the night shift with the Bishop-Delucas.

Amelia just sat there quietly, checking things on her phone. She had a message from Bailey, asking what was happening with Maya. Amelia explained that she was septic and in surgery and told Bailey Carina was not doing well right now, but that she and Jo had it handled.

Amelia glanced at Carina, seeing she was just staring again which the neurosurgeon couldn't decide if it was worse or better than sobbing.

Jo texted, saying 19 had all agreed to wait and come when Maya and Carina were doing better. Amelia was grateful for that. She knew Carina was close with a lot of Maya's station, especially A shift, but she also knew right now, Carina was in crisis mode and just needed to process this all in her own way.

She got another message from Jo about an hour later, telling her that Meredith was done and they were bringing Maya back. Amelia got up, going over to Carina's bed.

"Hey," she said, sitting down, "Carina, Meredith is done with Maya. They are going to bring her back."

"She's still alive?" Carina asked, her brain having been bouncing between images of what her life would be like if Maya was gone and actually watching her wife die for most of the time she had been laying there.

"She is," Amelia nodded. Carina sat up, rubbing at her eyes, realizing her head was pounding.

"Hey," Meredith said, walking in as a nurse pushed Maya's bed into the room, Carina gasping when she saw how bad her wife looked, "So it was touch and go for a while, but she's doing alright. We got her abdomen cleaned out and put in another drain. Her kidney is struggling right now so we put her on dialysis just to give it a break because it is still working on compensating for the loss of the other one. We are going to keep her sedated and on the vent for the next 24 hours at least because her body needs to rest. I redid the stitches. I'm sure Jo told you, but the infection is in her blood right now so we are treating her with heavy doses of antibiotics. She's on pressers to help with her blood pressure which keeps trying to dip and I am probably going to put her on steroids to help with the inflammation. She's not out of the woods yet, but if she makes it through the next 24 hours well, I am optimistic she will make a full recovery. Any questions?"

"No," Carina said, taking Maya's hand, tears filling her eyes.

"I am so sorry this is happening, Carina," Meredith said, looking at the other woman, "If there is anything you need, just let me know. I know how hard this must be."

"Grazie," Carina said, wiping at her eyes as she looked at her wife.

Meredith motioned to Amelia and Jo to go out to the hall with her as Carina just held Maya's hand tightly, whispering gently to her in Italian and English.

"So, Carina needs to be getting some kind of rest," Meredith said, looking at her sister and her friend, "She looks like hell, and Maya is going to need her. If she recovers from this, it is going to be a hell of a long recovery, and she is going to need Carina's support through it."

"I think Carina's struggling with PTSD right now," Amelia sighed, "Losing a brother is hella traumatic, and having to watch her wife go through this…Carina is strong, but she struggles a lot more than she lets people see most of the time. Maya is her rock, and now her rock cracked and broken. And I know, Mer, that you and I have been through a lot of the same stuff as Carina, but…"

"Everyone's trauma is their own and effects them differently," Meredith nodded, knowingly, "Just make sure she is taking care of herself."

"We've got her," Jo assured her.

"Alright," Meredith nodded, "I'll be back to check on Maya in a few hours. Page me if anything changes."

"So this is what I'm thinking," Amelia said, looking at Jo, "I am going to go sit with them for the rest of today/tonight. You go home, rest up, and come back tomorrow?"

"Sounds good to me," Jo nodded, "And then I can take over in the morning so you can go home."

"Sounds good," Amelia nodded, "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Text me if anything happens in the middle of the night," Jo said, looking at Amelia.

The neurosurgeon nodded before slipping back into the quiet room, finding Carina sitting up on the cot, just starting at Maya's chest rise and fall.

"Carina, you need to sleep," Amelia said, looking at her friend.

"Not tired," Carina lied, too terrified to fall asleep again.

"How about you at least lay down?" Amelia suggested, knowing full well her friend was lying but not totally sure why.

The OB complied, making sure she could still see her wife as she laid there. Maya had a cooling blanket on her body to help with her fever which had hit 104, but was now down to 102 with meds. Her hand still felt warm in Carina's, but that was somewhat comforting because it meant she was alive and fighting.

Carina just laid there, listening to the machines beep and hum, almost unable to blink for fear that something bad was going to happen.

What do you think? How are we feeling about the pacing of this story? I think I like it, but let me know if you think it's too slow. Thanks for reading!