20. Chapter 20

Luckily for both of them, that night went better than the one before. Not that it was saying much considering how horrible the previous night had been, but any improvement was a positive.

Carina threw up twice more before her body just crashed, so beyond exhausted from barely sleeping the night before, then dealing with extreme anxiety and an upset stomach all day, and then having intense therapy and all the aftereffects of that.

Maya had had to kick Carina out of the room three times before she fell asleep, her stomach still miserably sick, but once Carina had fallen asleep, miraculously, Maya’s stomach decided to calm down, at least a little, giving her a bit of relief from the cramps she had been having all day.

Maya’s mind, however, wasn’t quite so kind, deciding to keep her up until close to midnight, just thinking and stressing and mildly panicking about what these injuries were going to mean for her career and how hard it had all been for Carina and what recovery was going to be like and when they were ever going to be able to have babies.

At one point, she found herself teetering on the verge of a panic attack thinking about the fact that she couldn’t remember if she had signed the budget reports for the previous month. Of course, she knew she had because otherwise she would have gotten them back, but that did not stop her brain from full on panicking for close to an hour about it.

She hated when this happened. It was a decently regular occurrence for her, anxiety and depression both diagnoses she had had to learn to deal with not long after she and Carina had started dating. It had been so hard, but she went to her therapy and even was on meds for a few months when things got really bad. She still struggled at least a few times a week with insomnia which was challenging.

Since she had been in the hospital, her body had been dictating how she was feeling, but now that things were slightly less painful, her mind seemed to have realized it was missing out on torturing her.

Around 11, a nurse came in, giving her her pain meds and dose of antibiotics for her c. diff. Luckily, the pain meds made her feel sleepy and allowed her brain to turn off.

She managed to sleep for two hours before she woke up with a cramping belly. She was about to wake Carina up when she looked at her wife, seeing that she finally looked peaceful for the first time since before the accident, and she just couldn’t bring herself to wake her up. She called the nurse, and somehow, Carina managed to stay sound asleep through the whole thing, which honestly didn’t really surprise Maya too much because of how tired she had been.

Once Maya was done, she was still pretty awake as rounds of cramps ran through her. She was so over feeling this sick. She was ready for her body to start actually healing.

She laid in bed, trying not to cry, feeling a little sorry for herself. Just then, however, Carina made a small noise, moving a little closer to her in her sleep. As Maya looked at the woman lying next to her, she shook her head as she thought about everything her beautiful wife had gone through and was still going through. Carina was the strongest person she knew and even when she was barely holding it together, she was still able to be there for everyone without complaint.

Maya pushed the woe is me thoughts out of her head, focusing instead on her wife, on how much she loved her and cared for her and appreciated her. It helped, and after another hour, and a few more unwanted, anxious thoughts, she was able to drift back to sleep again.

Maya woke up three more times before morning because of her stomach, opting to just let Carina sleep through all of it because she needed it.

By 6, Maya was awake for the day, still absolutely exhausted from not getting any consistent sleep the night before, but her body was not going to let her sleep for the time being.

She had had to call the nurse once more before Helm came through for rounds around 9, but Carina was still out cold. She was ready to pull the second and third drains from Maya’s abdomen, effectively making her drain free.

She told Maya that her kidney was still not where they were hoping, but that it was still functioning a little so they were holding out hope that it would bounce back. The dialysis was working beautifully though and Maya was doing ok besides that.

Maya asked her if there was any way she could some back and take the drains out later once Carina was awake, and Helm agreed, knowing how bad things had been the day before. She told Maya she would also delay her PT until this afternoon to let her get some more rest and allow Carina to rest too.

Maya just laid in bed, deciding to try testing what she could get her body to do without pain. She first started with her uninjured leg, first bending it at her knee, then lifting her foot off the bed, careful to not overly engage her abs in the exercise, knowing that would more than likely hurt.

She then moved on to her injured leg, knowing that bending it wouldn’t hurt anything. She was more careful with that leg, still managing to bend it pretty well and lift it, though it felt much weaker and achier than the other one.

Both her legs were stiff and not really painful, but achy for sure due to the muscle atrophy that had started because of her immobility.

She then moved her broken arm carefully, knowing from Carina that the breaks in it were near her wrist, meaning her elbow and shoulder should be perfectly capable of moving around. It hurt some to move her arms, mostly because of the mild tugging on her ribs, though those were also feeling better today than they had been in the past few days.

Maya then worked on moving her neck around, finding that moving it helped with the stiff muscles from the whiplash. She couldn’t really move her other arm because her fingers were tangled in Carina’s and she didn’t want to chance waking her up.

Just then, Carina groaned a little in her sleep, moving around.

“Car,” Maya said softly, mildly worried that she was having a nightmare, “Hey, babe. It’s ok.”

“Bambina?” Carina said sleepily, eyes opening.

“Hey Car,” Maya smiled, “Did you sleep well?”

“I think so,” Carina nodded, snuggling closer to Maya, “What time is it?”

“It’s almost 10 am,” Maya said, running her hand up and down Carina’s back, “How are you feeling this morning?”

“Sleepy,” Carina said, “And my stomach feels…kinda sick, but I think I feel better than yesterday. How are you feeling?”

“Eh,” Maya said, “Maybe better than yesterday but still pretty gross”

“Did you sleep through the whole night?” Carina asked, realizing she hadn’t been woken up at all since she fell asleep around 9 pm.

“No,” Maya said, “But you did. I was up probably every two to three hours.”

“You could have woken me up,” Carina frowned, looking at her wife.

“I was ok,” Maya said, not telling Carina about how her anxiety was starting to increase, “You needed sleep.”

“Mmmm,” Carina hummed, nodded a little as she let her eyes slip shut again, “Were you awake for rounds?”

“Yeah,” Maya said, “I’ve been up since 6. Helm came in. I am going to get my last two drains out this morning. My kidney is still not really working more than a tiny bit, but she’s hopeful that once the c. diff. lets up some, it will get better.”

“And how is your stomach feeling this morning?” Carina asked, opening her eyes again.

“I am less nauseous,” Maya said, “But very crampy. I’m just ready for this to be over.”

“I’m sure,” Carina said, leaning up and pressing a kiss to Maya’s forehead which was still too warm, “I need to go to the bathroom.”

Maya nodded as her wife got up. Maya reached over, grabbing the blanket Carina had been so attached to, cuddling it close. She knew this was Carina’s comfort item, but Carina was her comfort item and this blanket smelled just like her wife so it was comforting for her. With how her anxiety was doing today, she needed it.

Just then, there was a small knock on the door and Jo Wilson walked in.

“Where’s Carina?” Jo asked, coming in with a brown paper bag.

“Bathroom,” Maya said, “She just woke up.”

“Got it,” Jo nodded, “How are you doing today?”

“Not great,” Maya sighed, “But also it could be worse. I’m just ready to get out of here.”

“Well, the nurse asked me to give this to you,” Jo said, holding up a cup of fluids, “The sooner you start drinking and keeping this down, the sooner you go home.”

“I know,” Maya said, grabbing the remote and adjusting the bed into the sitting position she had been in during therapy yesterday, “Let me have it.”

Just then, the bathroom door opened, Carina walking back over to the bed.

“You ok?” Maya asked as she climbed back onto the bed, laying back down.

“Si,” Carina sighed, “My tummy is still upset this morning. Nothing bad, but also I don’t feel great. Good morning Jo.”

“Morning,” Jo said, looking at her phone, “I brought breakfast, though if you aren’t feeling well, I’m not sure you’re going to want any of it. It’s just croissants and fruit and yogurt.”

“I should probably eat something,” Carina sighed, taking the bag from Jo, “Thank you.”

“No problem,” Jo said, looking at her phone, “And I’m getting paged. If you need something else, Maggie is around but working on research so she said to text her.”

“Ok,” Carina nodded, “Thank you.”

“I hope you both feel better,” Jo called, heading out the door.

“Are you supposed to be up like this?” Carina said, gesturing to Maya’s seated position.

“Oh, yeah,” Maya nodded, “I had PT yesterday while you were in therapy yesterday and Jared told me to sit like this as much as I want. It gets a little exhausting after a while, but I asked Helm to push morning PT so I figured this is a good idea.”

“Why did your PT get pushed?” Carina asked, taking a tiny bite of her croissant, not totally sure is it was going to sit well in her stomach.

“I asked if it could,” Maya said, taking another sip of her drink, fighting against the icky feeling it was giving her stomach, “I wanted you to be able to sleep.”

“Bambina, you should not put your therapy on hold so I can sleep,” Carina sighed, “You need that therapy to get better.”

“I was too tired this morning anyway,” Maya said, “Sleep last night was…not really great.”

“Was it your stomach again?” Carina asked, taking a small bite out of her yogurt.

“Yeah,” Maya nodded, “And my anxiety some too.”

“Is it getting bad again?” Carina asked, knowing her wife’s anxiety had multiple triggers, but not being able to work out was a big one along with everything related to Carina so it really shouldn’t be a surprise to Carina that she was starting to struggle.

“Kinda,” Maya said, looking down, “I shouldn’t complain because you are having such a bad time and I have been complaining so much about all of this and... Just forget it.”

“Bambina,” Carina said, putting down her breakfast, “No. Absolutely not. You will not keep how you are feeling to yourself just because I am having a hard time. You have been there for me this entire time even though you are hurt and sick and very much not ok, and you will not keep how you are feeling to yourself, ok?”

Maya nodded, tears filling her eyes as she looked down at her hands.

“Don’t cry Bambina,” Carina said, wrapping her arms gently around her wife.

Just then, Maya’s stomach gurgled loudly.

“Out right now,” Maya said, hitting the call button but knowing as soon as she did that the nurse was never going to make it into her room in time because the cramping was so intense.

“Do you want me to help?” Carina said, knowing from the urgency in her wife’s voice that it was bad, “The bed pan is right there.”

“I…” Maya wanted to say no but also not wanting to deal with the ramifications of saying no, “Ok, but you have to leave as soon as…”

“I get in in place, si,” Carina nodded, pulling on gloves and getting the device in place for her wife quickly as the nurse walked in.

“Oh,” the nurse said, “Um, is Carina helping you instead?”

“No,” Maya said, “Carina, out now.”

Carina stepped into the hall, making sure to take off her gloves and use some hand sanitizer as she stood there waiting to be let back in.

She felt bad for Maya. She had been hoping that by now, the antibiotics would be working and she would be feeling better, but it didn’t seem to be the case.

Carina stood there for a while, taking stock of how she was really feeling today. She by no means felt back to normal, but her anxiety felt less for the first time since the accident. She felt a little less like she was on the verge of a complete breakdown though she did still feel like she was overstimulated.

She was also still exhausted, but she was hoping that at some point, Maya would want to nap today and that she would be able to calm down enough to join her.

She knew she was going to have to go get lunch today again which she was not really looking forward to both because her tummy was pretty upset and food was not settling well at all and because she finally felt like she was getting control of her anxiety and she was worried going out would make it worse.

She was pulled out of her thoughts by the nurse coming out, letting her know she could go back in.

“You ok?” Carina asked, going and scrubbing her hands in the sink before going over to her wife.

“I mean, I didn’t shit the bed again,” Maya said, “But I also think I might puke and the nurse already gave me Zofran that’s not helping so…”

“Oh Bambina,” Carina said, grabbing the emesis basin just in case, “Your poor tummy.”

“I just want it to stop,” Maya said, “I want to be able to drink without throwing up and I want to be able to be in your arms without pain and I want to not have diarrhea ten times a day and I want to go home.”

Maya was almost sobbing by the end but trying so hard not to because it hurt her ribs and abs.

“Shhhh,” Carina said, turning so she was on her side facing Maya, stroking her hair gently, “Bambina, it is going to be ok. I am right here. It is going to get better. Shhhh.”

Carina grabbed her Andrea blanket, having seeing Maya cuddling with it earlier, wondering if maybe the hospital blankets and gowns were finally getting to her. She put the blanket on Maya before continuing to play with her hair and hold her as best as she could.

It took a while, but eventually, Maya’s tears stopped, though she just kinda stared at the ceiling as Carina continued providing soft, gentle touches.

Suddenly, Maya realized what she drank was not going to stay down.

“Carina,” she moaned, the Italian knowing from the past few days exactly what that tone meant, grabbing the emesis basin just as Maya’s body rejected what she had put in it.

“Ok,” Carina said, making sure her hair wasn’t in her face, “Get it all out Bambina. It’s ok.”

It took a minute, but Maya finally stopped throwing up, Carina making sure she was settled before pressing the call button again. The nurse came rushing in, looking at both of them.

“She just threw up again,” Carina said, gesturing to the emesis basin.

“Ok,” the nurse nodded, “Do you need some more pain meds?”

“No,” Maya said, “It hurts, but not terrible.”

“Ok,” the nurse nodded, “Have you kept any oral fluids down?”

“No,” Carina said, knowing the answer.

“Ok,” the nurse nodded, “That’s ok. I am going to talk to your doctor and see what we can do about that.”

“Sorry,” Maya mumbled, feeling bad that her body was causing more problems.

“Don’t apologize,” the nurse said, shaking her head, “It happens a lot and we’ve got options that should help you feel better. I just need to talk to your doctor.”

“Ok,” Carina nodded, “Thank you.”

Maya sighed as the nurse left, rubbing her eyes.

“Why does this keep happening?” Maya asked, trying hard not to start crying again.

“I don’t know Bambina,” Carina said, “It might just be your body struggling to heal. They are going to figure it out, ok. You are going to be ok.”

Maya nodded, sighing as Carina played with her hair some more, just trying to help calm her down.

About ten minutes later, there was a knock on the door.

“Is now an ok time?” Helm asked, coming in.

“Yeah,” Maya said, voice a little horse from all the vomiting and crying.

“Hey,” Helm said, coming in, “I hear you are not keeping things down still.”

“Yeah,” Maya nodded, “It sucks.”

“I know,” Helm said, “So, I think I am going to have an NJ tube placed because at this point, I am worried about your nutrition, and I think bypassing your stomach is the only way we are going to get any nutrition in you, especially with the c.. diff. Is that ok?”

“Will it make me stop being so nauseous?” Maya asked.

“It should,” Helm nodded, “And it will help us get some calories in you which I am hoping will help you start feeling a little stronger.”

“Ok,” Maya nodded, “So, I am losing the tubes in my abdomen and getting one in my nose?”

“Yep,” Helm nodded, “Speaking of which, I am going to take those out now. Then I will send a nurse in to place the NJ and then we will get an x-ray to make sure it’s placed and then I am going to have them start you on some Pedialyte for the rest of today and then a special formula that won’t hurt your kidney tomorrow. Sound good?”

“If it makes me feel better, anything sounds good,” Maya nodded as Helm got set up to remove the drains, “How long will I have the tube?”

“I’m not sure yet,” Helm said, “But I’m hoping as the c. diff improves and you start feeling better, your stomach will start taking food better.”

Maya nodded, trying to relax as Helm worked on getting the tubes out, Carina just playing with her hair and tracing patterns on her hand and arm.

“Alright,” Helm said, “You are officially free from drains! That is a huge step in the right direction. Also, you only have two more days left of sepsis medicine. You are getting there Maya.”

“It’s taking so long,” Maya sighed.

“I know,” Helm said, cleaning up everything, “But you are getting better. I am going to go get the nurse in here to get that tube placed. Oh, and I told PT to come by around two, if that’s ok?”

“Yeah,” Maya nodded, seeing it was already close to noon, “Sounds good.”

“Alright,” Helm said, “I will see you later. Great progress.”

“Yeah,” Maya scoffed as the surgeon left, “Such great progress that I can’t even hold down food and need a feeding tube.”

“Bambina,” Carina warned, “I know it’s frustrating, but you are moving forward.”

“Yeah, one step forward, two steps back,” Maya said, anger starting in her voice.

“No,” Carina said, shaking her head, “Three steps forward, one step back. Bambina, recovery is not linear ever, but you got rid of two drains today. And you are sitting up pretty close to normal with assistance. Two days ago, you couldn’t do that for more than a minute or two. Today, you sat there for twenty. And ok, you need a feeding tube, but think of that as a step forward too. You are going to be getting nutrition which will help your body feel better and stronger. It is all good Bambina.”

“How do you do that?” Maya asked, tears welling up in her eyes, “How do you take something that feels so miserably awful and turn it into something good?”

“Because it is good,” Carina said, kissing her forehead. There was another knock at the door, Maggie coming in a second later.

“Hey Carina. Hey Maya,” the young cardio surgeon said, smiling at them, “How are you both doing?”

“We are getting there,” Carina said, “How are you?”

“Good,” Maggie smiled, “Are you ready for some lunch Carina?”

As Carina was about to answer, there was another knock and in came the nurse.

“Oh, Dr. Pierce,” she said, “Hello.”

“Hi,” Maggie said, seeing what the nurse had just brought in, “Oh, are you getting an NG tube?”

“NJ tube,” the nurse corrected, “Her stomach isn’t tolerating anything very well right now so we are going to try this to help get some nutrition in her until she’s feeling better.”

“Can you come back in like ten minutes for lunch?” Carina asked as the nurse started to get set up for the procedure, “I just want to help with this.”

“Ok,” Maggie nodded, “I’ll be back soon.”

The minute Maggie had walked in the room, Carina’s anxiety had shot through the roof thinking about lunch, but she decided to instead focus on Maya for now. The nurse made sure Maya had a fresh emesis basin and some ice chips before starting to put in the tube. Maya gagged and gagged as she did, throwing up twice as the tube went down.

Once they got it all the way in, the nurse got it taped down before leaving to go get an x-ray machine.

“Is it still bad?” Carina asked, looking at her wife.

“No,” Maya said, “It feels a little weird, but it’s not bad. And this is going to help?”

“It should,” Carina nodded.

“You should go to lunch with Maggie,” Maya said, “Go take care of you.”

“I’m not really hungry,” Carina sighed.

“Please try to eat?” Maya asked, “Or at least just get out of this room. Remember what you told your therapist you would do?”

“Si,” Carina nodded, “Are you ok?”

Just then, there was another knock at the door and Andy walked in.

“How are we doing?” the Latina asked, looking at them.

“Hey Andy,” Maya said, smiling at her friend before looking at her wife, “See, Andy is here. I am fine. I might fall asleep because this morning has consisted of nothing and yet I am exhausted.”

“You had a long morning,” Carina said, pressing another kiss to her forehead, “Sleep if you can. I love you.”

“I love you too,” Maya said, “Now go.”

“Ok,” Carina said, “Hi Andy. Is it ok if I go to lunch?”

“Why do you think I’m here?” Andy said, “You go eat and I will take care of this one.”

“Grazie,” Carina said, smiling at Maya one more time before walking out the door to find Maggie.