14. Chapter 14

Carina was exhausted, the emotional drain just going downstairs to eat with Travis having taken a lot out of her. However, she just couldn’t get her body to calm down enough to actually sleep.

She had stopped in her office when she and Travis went to eat lunch to grab a journal she kept there, deciding to do a little bit of writing while Maya slept. She carefully got out of bed, going to the chair next to Maya’s bed, starting to write in her journal.

After Andrea had died, she had started keeping a journal just to process out what she was feeling and write him letters of things she wanted to tell him. She still would do this from time to time when big things happened in her life. The last thing she had written to him had been the day after they had gone to the fertility doctor the last time.

She smiled as she read what she had told him about how excited she was about the prospect of them having a baby, and that they were leaning towards Maya donating the eggs and that they had started looking at sperm donors. She started crying as she thought about how long it was going to be before they ever got back to that conversation if they ever did.

She wiped her eyes after a few minutes, chiding herself because there were so many bigger problems they were dealing with other than not having a baby right now. She turned to a new page in her journal, taking a deep breath before she tried to start writing, finding it almost impossible to put into words to her little brother how she was feeling.

She had no idea how long she had been staring at the paper, but suddenly, there was a knock on the door.

“Hey,” Meredith said, walking in, “Amelia asked me to drop this off for you.”

“Thank you,” Carina said, getting up and taking the sweatshirt from Meredith.

“No problem,” Meredith smiled, “How are things going?”

“She’s awake,” Carina said, “And she’s doing pretty well. They are going to get her sitting up later today.”

“That’s awesome, Carina,” Meredith smiled, “And how are you doing?”

“I’m feeling a little better,” Carina said, “Being here with her is helping. It’s all just hard. I’ve been trying to write to Andrea for the last…I don’t even know how long, and I just can’t figure out what to say.”

“Trauma is hard,” Meredith nodded, “And confusing. Just don’t be too hard on yourself.”

“Lo so,” Carina said, rubbing her eyes, “It’s just exhausting.”

“I understand,” Meredith said, “Make sure you are getting your rest. None of us want you to be a patient again.”

“I am,” Carina said, “I do not want to be back in the hospital any time soon.”

“Car,” they both heard a sleepy Maya said from behind them.

“I’ll let you get back to her,” Meredith said, “Let me know if either of you need anything.”

“Grazie,” Carina said, going back to the bed, “Bambina, are you alright?”

“Yeah,” Maya said, eyes opening, “I think so. I feel…I don’t know. Just bad I guess.”

“Is something in particular feeling bad?” Carina asked, putting a hand to Maya’s forehead, noting she didn’t feel like she had a fever or anything.

“I’m just achy,” Maya said, “And my stomach isn’t feeling right. I don’t know.”

“Are you nauseous?” Carina asked, knowing that Maya had been complaining about her stomach off and on all day.

“I don’t think so,” Maya said, “Just kinda crampy maybe. I don’t know.”

“Well, there are many things that can cause that,” Carina said, “Your intestines are starting to have fluids in them again and just starting to work again. I can talk to the nurses to see if there’s anything we can do.”

“No,” Maya said, “Can you come put the bed up a little again and sit with me?”

“Of course, Bambina,” Carina nodded, inclining the bed a little before sitting back down, “Did you have a good nap?”

“Yeah,” Maya said, smiling, “I think so. I hate being so tired. What were you doing while I was sleeping?”

“I was trying to journal,” Carina sighed, “But I just…I couldn’t figure out what I was feeling. It’s like my brain has 1000 thoughts, but I can’t focus on any of them.”

“Do you have another therapy appointment soon?” Maya asked, taking Carina’s hand.

“Si,” Carina nodded, “The day after tomorrow, I am starting another round of EMDR.”

“Did you make it late in the day again?” Maya asked, knowing that EMDR therapy was hard on Carina, usually leaving her feeling horrible for the rest of the day.

There were times during her last round of EMDR after Andrew died that Carina would come home and spend hours throwing up. Other times, she would come home and sleep for eighteen hours straight. She gotten migraine level headaches sometimes too. She almost always had vivid dreams that would wake her up in a full panic.

The last time Carina did EMDR, she had had to do 10 sessions, and initially, she was doing two sessions a week, but after the first two weeks, Carina and Maya both decided she needed to drop it down to one session a week because her body and mind couldn’t do it twice a week. It had been hard, but by the end of it, Carina was feeling so much better than she had when she started, her nightmares all but disappearing, her daytime flashbacks gone, her other symptoms diminished to the point that she almost forgot about them most of the time.

While the process of getting to that point was hard, it had been so so worth it, and Carina was hoping it would help again this time.

“I did,” Carina nodded, “3 pm which was the latest appointment she had open.”

“Are you ready to do it again?” Maya asked.

“I need it,” Carina confessed, “I…it’s like I can barely function right now. Even just sitting here with you, it feels a little bit like the walls are closing in and my entire body feels hypersensitive to everything to the point that it hurts. Also, my therapist thinks I probably won’t need as many sessions this time because it is most just to process this specific event, not everything like before.”

“I’m so sorry you are going through this,” Maya said, bringing Carina’s hand to her lips, kissing it gently, “I will do everything I can to help you, ok?”

“I know,” Carina said, “I should be the one saying that to you because you are the one laying in the hospital bed fighting for your life.”

“As long as I have you in my life, that’s all I need to fight for,” Maya said, “Come here and kiss me.”

Carina pressed a gently kiss to Maya’s lips, smiling as she wiped her tears away. Suddenly, there was a knock on Maya’s door.

“Come in,” the blonde called as Carina moved back to her position next to her wife.

“Hello Mrs. Bishop-Deluca,” the nurse said, “I have your pain meds because PT is going to be here in about thirty minutes so we want to make sure these are working before then. Are you in any pain right now?”

“Not really,” Maya said, “Not more than I can handle. And call me Maya, please.”

“Ok, Maya,” the nurse said, “Well, I am going to give this to you and then I want you to drink some more, try for at least another 30 mL, ok?”

“I’ll try,” Maya mumbled, not sure how her stomach was going to do with more fluids.

“Do you need anything else?” the nurse asked, “We are going to give you a bed bath after PT if you are feeling up to it.”

“Can Carina do it?” Maya asked, having zero desire to have a stranger bathe her.

When she was unconscious, whatever, but now that she was awake, she wanted her wife to be the one doing it.

“I would be ok with it,” Carina said, seeing the nurse looking at her, “If you are.”

“As long as you both are, I am just fine with it,” the nurse nodded, “I’ll bring in the supplies after PT. Just rest for the next twenty or so minutes before they get here, ok? And let me know if you need anything.”

“Thanks,” Maya said, rubbing her eye, realizing for the first time that she had no bandages on her head.

“When did the thing come out of my head?” Maya asked, reaching her hand up.

“Don’t touch, Bambina,” Carina said, grabbing her hand before it could reach the stitches, “You have had enough infections. You do not need one in your head. The ICP monitor came out right after you went into the coma, and Amelia felt it was best to leave the bandages off. I’ll let you see it if you want?”

“Please,” Maya said, curious about what her head looked like.

“Some of your hair has already started to grow back a little,” Carina said, grabbing her phone and taking a picture of the side of her wife’s head, “Here. See.”

“Oh my god,” Maya said, eyes wide, “I am bald on literally a third of my head.”

“It was a lot she had to take,” Carina agreed, “But you had a nice subdural hematoma that needed fixing and you had a pretty nice sized cut form the accident itself. It’ll be ok.”

“Maybe I should just cut the rest of it down to that length,” Maya said, brushing her fingers over some of her short hair.

“But then what would I play with?” Carina asked jokingly, something Maya was glad to see, especially knowing how hard her wife was struggling right now.

“Oh, that would be a downfall,” Maya agreed.

“We can talk to a stylist after you get out of here and see if they have any recommendations,” Carina suggested, tucking a piece of blonde hair behind Maya’s ear.

“Sounds good,” Maya nodded, smiling at Carina, “Is it weird I’m a little nervous about PT?”

“No, Bambina,” Carina said, shaking her head, “It is something new, and your body is very injured right now so it is normal to feel apprehensive. Just remember, if you are in pain, you have to tell them so they can stop, ok? No embracing the pain, si?”

“Ok,” Maya said, “I know. I probably should try to drink some more before they get here.”

“Ok,” Carina said, grabbing the cup the nurse had brought in, “Small sips.”

Maya took a few swallows before pushing the straw out of her mouth.

“That was about 15 mL,” Carina said, knowing Maya was going to ask because she had been given a task to complete, “But if you can’t do thirty, that is ok. Fifteen is good.”

“I think I can do fifteen more,” Maya said, taking a few breaths, trying to make sure the fluid was going to stay in her stomach.

“Bambina, if you throw up, it does not count,” Carina said, seeing how uncomfortable Maya looked, “Why don’t we wait a little bit, ok?”

Maya was going to answer but instead burped a little, Carina scrambling for an emesis basin.

“I’m ok,” Maya said, taking another deep breath, “I think I’m ok.”

“Let’s take a break,” Carina said, putting the cup and basin back on the tray, “Your stomach had been empty for days. Start it back slow, ok?”

Maya nodded a little, trying not to get frustrated with herself. Just then, the door opened and in came someone Maya had never seen.

“Hello Mrs. Bishop-Deluca,” the man said, “My name is Jared and I am going to be doing physical therapy with you today. This is Joanna and this is Chris, they are going to help me today, if that’s ok?”

“Sure,” Maya said, “And call me Maya.”

“Alright Maya,” Jared said, “So the plan for today is to get you sitting with your feet over the edge of the bed, and if that goes well, we will get you standing with support because you cannot put weight on your right leg, is that correct?”

“Yeah,” Maya said as Carina moved out of the bed.

“Alright,” Jared said, “Now, Dr. Deluca, I actually have something I need your help with. Can you go stand over there and just be a stable thing Maya can concentrate on if she gets dizzy?”

“Only if you call me Carina, Jared, as I have told you about fifty times,” Carina said, very familiar with this particular physical therapist because he would often come to help moms after c-sections or patients after hysterectomies.

“Sorry, Carina,” he said, shaking his head, “I forgot. Ok, now, Maya, I am going to put my hands here, and Chris is going to get your feet, and Joanna is going to make sure we bring all the cords and tubs around with you, ok?”

“I guess,” Maya said.

“Do you have any questions before we try this?” Jared asked, “Or are you having any pain?”

“I don’t think so,” Maya said, shaking her head.

“Alright,” Jared said, “Well, if anything hurts while we are going, let me know, ok? I am going to count to three and then we are going to go up, ok?”

Maya nodded, feeling her heart pounding, glad they had taken off her pulse ox before they started because she was convinced it would be alarming right now.

“Alright, one, two, and three,” Jared said as he moved Maya upright.

Maya’s entire body hurt as she was sitting there, her head spinning.

“Are you dizzy?” Jared asked as he held Maya upright.

“Yeah,” Maya said, her head pounding, her abs hurting, and everything just aching.

“Just breathe,” Jared said, “And focus on your wife.”

“Eyes on me Bambina,” Carina said, getting Maya’s eyes locked on her, “Good. Is it helping?”

“I’m still kinda dizzy,” Maya said, taking a few breaths, trying not to breathe too deeply because her ribs hurt.

“We can just sit here for a minute,” Jared said, “How is everything feeling? Are you having any pain?”

“Nothing overwhelming,” Maya said, feeling a weird sensation bubbling in her stomach, “I mean, everything hurts, but I think it’s going to.”

“We can get you something for the pain,” Chris offered, “If you want.”

“I’m ok,” Maya said. “I’m going to lower the bed down,” Jared said, Joanna taking his place holding Maya up, “Keep breathing, ok?”

“You are doing great Bambina,” Carina smiled.

“Alright,” Jared said once the bed was down, “Are you still dizzy?”

“It’s mostly gone,” Maya said, her abs starting to burn as she sat there.

“Are you ready to stand up?” Jared asked as Chris walked over with a pillow.

“I think so,” Maya said.

“Ok,” Jared said, “So what we are going to do is just have you put your weight on your left leg. I am going to support your entire right side, Joanna’s got the left, and Chris is going to help support your abs with the pillow, ok?”

“I guess,” Maya said, her stomach starting to feel sick, though Maya figured it was probably just from her working her abs.

“Alright,” Jared said, looking at his colleagues, “On three. One two thee, up.”

The series of events that happened next are something Maya will probably never forget.

As they helped her stand, her entire body screamed in pain while at the same time, her stomach decided it had had enough of the fluid she had put in it and promptly rid itself of it, all over Chris, the PT assistant’s, shirt. Maya started crying both out of shame and because she was in pain, Carina running over to help.

“Here,” Carina said to Chris, “Let me.”

He nodded, stepping away as Carina helped hold the pillow to Maya’s abs as Maya cried.

“I’m sorry,” the blonde said, “It hurts. I’m sorry”

“Let’s get her back into bed,” Jared said, realizing she was done, “Ready, Maya? One, two, three, sit. And then let’s do the full maneuver back to laying down, ok. Carina, her legs.”

Within about thirty seconds of standing up, Maya was laying back in bed, a nurse coming in to give pain and nausea meds after Chris went to tell them what had happened.

“I’m sorry,” Maya said, looking at her physical therapist, “Tell Chris I am sorry. I just…”

“Hey,” Jared stopped her, “It’s ok. It’s not the first time someone has done that to Chris, and I am sure it won’t be the last. It’s ok. You worked really hard, and maybe we tried to do a little too much today. It’s ok. We will be back tomorrow to do more work.”

Maya nodded a little as the physical therapy team left before she broke down completely.

“Bambina,” Carina said, climbing into bed next to her wife, “It is ok. It happens.”

“I can’t even drink the right amount of fluids or stand up with puking and crying,” Maya cried, “I just…I can’t… I…”

“Bambina, Shhhh,” Carina said, putting her hand on Maya’s cheek, “It is ok. You have been out of a coma for less than twelve hours. You are doing such a good job. No one is mad about anything. You are doing so well.”

It took a while, but the tears did taper off eventually.

“Va bene?” Carina asked, wiping a tear off Maya’s cheek as she stopped crying.

“I guess,” Maya said, sniffling a little, “God, I wish my stupid body would just cooperate.”

“Bambina, your body is not stupid,” Carina sighed, “It is just still healing, and maybe it is just not ready for all of that. We probably just need to slow everything down a little for now, ok? It does not mean you failed or you are not doing well. It just means the expectations we put on your body that your body is not ready for it. That is not your fault. If you try you try to fight a fire and your first plan does not work, is it the fire’s fault?”

“No,” Maya sniffled, “It’s ours for not understanding the fire right the first time.”

“Exactly,” Carina nodded, “So it is not your body’s fault that this was too much, si? It told us all what it is and is not ready for, and that is ok.”

Maya nodded, yawning a little bit.

“Sleep, Bambina,” Carina said, kissing her temple, “That was a lot for you. Just sleep.”

Maya closed her eyes, hoping that when she woke up, things would be better than they were now.