Chapter 5: Strength Lies Within
I looked down at the 5 cards in my hand still remaining. A 2, 2 5s, a 9, and an Ace. A cold sweat ran down my neck as I gulped trying my best to think of some sort of rational decision. Should I ask Paula if she has any 2s? It doesn't seem to be worth the risk though. At most, she can only have 1 from the card she just drew. An ace from Fiona then? No… but if I expose that as my objective, Paula will catch on and ask me for an ace completely flipping the table. So what about asking Paula for 2s? No… but then, I risk Fiona drawing one and asking for mine. Still, if we consider the most optimal game theory strategy at this stage in the game...
"Got any Aces?" I asked Paula finally.
"Yeah, 2 Aces."
Alright now just need to hope that…
"Do you have any aces?"
A cold sweat ran down my neck when I heard the monotone voice speak next to me. Slowly I turned to her mouth stunned open in shock.
"Ye… yes 3. I managed to utter handing Fiona the 3 Aces in defeat as…
"ALRIGHT, HELLO DIPSHITS WHO'S READY FOR ANOTHER TRIAL!!!!!!!!"
"Ahhhh…" I yelled falling over from Ned's interruption, "Hey, a little warning next time would be nice."
"YEAH WELL, A LITTLE DRAMA WOULD BE NICE TOO FOR THE AUDIENCE. BUT WE CAN'T ALWAYS GET WHAT WE WANT NOW CAN WE? I EVEN GAVE YOU 3 MINIPRIZES THIS TIME. A NOTEBOOK WITH A PENCIL, A DECK OF CARDS, AND SOME DUCT TAPE. I THOUGHT YOU WOULD DO SOMETHING INTERESTING BUT YOU DIPSHITS DECIDED TO PLAY GO FISH THE ENTIRE 2 DAYS. COME ON, COULDN'T YOU PLAY SOMETHING SPICY INSTEAD WITH THE MINIPRIZES LIKE… I DON'T KNOW, STRIP POKER?"
Fiona: Gross
Paula: Ehhh… not really into that stuff.
Xavier: Yeah what the heck Ned. What's with the suggestion? Don't children watch this show!
Ned: THAT DOESN'T CHANGE THE REALITY OF WHAT SELLS ON TODAY'S MARKET. NOW PLEASE, CAN SOMEONE GET MELANIE, THE DUCKTAPE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FOR HER MOUTH, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TAPE HER TO THE GROUND."
Xavier: No! Absolutely not!
Ned: WHY? THE WORST SHE CAN DO IS WRITE IN THE NOTEBOOK.
Xavier: No Ned… you don't seem to understand.
I walked next to Melanie who was taped down still looking at her notebook. I grabbed her notebook and looked at her eyes which were filled with sorrow.
"It's for the best..." I whispered to her. I squinted my eyes slowly turning the pages of the notebook exposing my innocence to the horrors within until I got to a particularly horrifying page that I presented to Ned.
Xavier: You see Ned… she… draws!
Ned:...........................SO?"
Xavier: So? What do you mean so, do you not see the things she's drawing? My thighs are not that thick and I would never be in this situation or act like this. How can you say… hey give that back!"
In the middle of my monologue, an arm suddenly extended from the ground, grabbing the notebook from me.
Ned: I'LL BE TAKING THAT. WE'RE PUTTING THIS ON OUR FAN WEBSITE, IT SHOULD GO GREAT WITH ALL THE OTHER FAN ART.
Xavier: What!! But…
Ned: AND MELANIE, YOU ARE FREE TO MOVE AGAIN.
The arm then went over to Melanie, removing the duct that was tying her down and restraining her mouth.
Melanie: Freedom for Melanie!
She walked up to me.
Melanie: So Xavier, tell me again, how did you feel when your eternal rival, Billy Mobius challenged you for the first time?
Xavier: No Ned what have you done!
Ned: AS LONG AS SHE KEEPS IT WITHIN THIS NARRATIVE I COULD CARE LESS BECAUSE WE WON'T HAVE ANY COPYWRITE COMPLAINTS. IN FACT, THAT'S JUST WHAT HER NICHE AUDIENCE EXPECTS FROM HER SO HAHA YOU JUST HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT DIPSHIT. NOW GET IN THIS HOLE.
As he said that, a hole suddenly appeared in front of us again.
Melanie: Did you look into his eyes and imagine what the future with him would be like or…
Xavier: I'm jumping. *jumps into hole*
Paula: Do a flip!
Melanie: Wait no Xavier where are you going this is very important information *jumps into hole*
Xavier: What Melanie no you were supposed to wait!
*Bam*
Xavier: Are… are you alright?!? Okay just hold still, oh god a turn.
We continued to slide for several minutes before finally landing face-first next to each other on the soft blue mattresses.
Billy: So… you have come again all the same, Xavier…
Posing in front of me in an imposing Mobius strip fashion were the Mobius siblings and their leader Billy at the front of the strip gazing at me intensely. When they rolled up to me, they returned to a standing formation.
Melanie: So Xavier,
Xavier: What…
Melanie: Go on, what are you going to say to your "eternal rival", Xavier? Heh heh heh.
Billy: Yes... indeed Xavier please, do tell. How did you manage to create such peak cuisines of Broccoli Beef and Orange Chicken?
As he said that, Fiona and Paula also made their way down the slide landing next to us.
Xavier: You should take this one Fiona… since you carried the last trial.
Fiona: true.
Billy: No!
He looked at Fiona acknowledging her with a bow before glaring back at me.
Billy: While it's true that this fire-haired maiden did the majority of the work for you 2 days ago, it was still you Xavier and your master…"
Xavier: My what?
Billy: Your Master, that's what you called her yesterday no?
Melanie while doing a pose: That's right! For it is I, Melanie Suwi, who was head chef of yesterday's dishes! And it is Xavier who was my cooking assistant.
Xavier: I'm pretty sure we both did nothing…
Billy: Whatever the case Xavier! It was you and your master's inspirational words yesterday that kick started your team's victory!
Xavier: What are you even talking about?
Billy: Oh, you are so humble. This is precisely why you Xavier, are the only one worthy of being my eternal rival!
Melanie: You heard him, Xavier, you can't fight it!
Xavier: If only I could…
Billy: Then let us pray that we can! For the next time, I see you on the battlefield Xavier…
He pointed at me
Billy: I hope it will be a clash that will be told as future legend.
For a second the room silenced as Melanie had a shit-eating look staring at us while Billy kept his pose.
Billy: Alright! Mobius siblings, away!
The 4 Mobius siblings formed a Mobius strip again and rolled away.
Xavier: Sigh… all this is too dramatic for me. It's all just random silly challenges anyways. It's not like we'll actually be…
Ned: AND FOR TODAY'S CHALLENGE, YOU WILL BE FIGHTING UNTIL SUBMISSION AGAINST MEMBERS OF OTHER TEAMS IN A BATTLE ARENA.
Xavier: oh come on!
Ned: FOR THIS TRIAL, EACH OF THE REMAINING 8 TEAMS WILL BE PUT IN A BRACKETED TOURNAMENT.
Fiona: How original.
Ned: DON'T YOU DARE START; YOU KNOW THIS IS ALWAYS THE MOST HYPED FORMAT.
Fiona: Fair.
Ned: ANYWAYS, THIS WILL BE A CONTEST WHERE EACH TEAM WILL SEND ONE MEMBER TO FIGHT ONE VS ONE AGAINST A MEMBER OF ANOTHER TEAM ON THIS VERY ORIGINAL 100 FEET BY 100 FEET CONCRETE SQUARE.
In the middle of the stadium, we noticed a 100 feet by 100 feet concrete square.
Paula: Wow, that's so unoriginal, nobody can claim copywrite.
Ned: EXACTLY! ANYWAYS, LOSING TEAMS WILL THEN FACE EACH OTHER UNTIL JUST THE TWO WORST TEAMS REMAIN. IF YOU LOSE 2 TIMES BASICALLY, YOU'RE OUTTA HERE AND YOUR PLANET GETS DESTROYED…
Melanie: And?
Ned: SIGH… AND FOR PLANET 14 SPECIFICALLY, YOU ALSO DON'T RECEIVE A PLUSHIE, SPACESHIP, AND THE LOSS OF YOUR SOUL.
Melanie: You heard him! Let's not lose a fight today. Yeah!
Fiona and Paula: Yeah!
Ned: NOW WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, THIS IS THE BRACKET FOR TODAY'S TOURNAMENT.
As he announced that, on the cube TV a website called bracketgenerator.com appeared. As I looked at the bracket…
"So, fate has brought us here once more."
A cold sweat crawled down my neck as I heard Billy's familiar voice. Next to me, the degenerate woman… the smallest one of the 3… lifted her pencil up with a gleeful smile ready to record my every interaction.
"Melanie, how did you get your notebook back?"
"Ned slid it to me from the ground just now with a note that said 'keep up the good work'!"
"… Whatever. Also Billy, why are you talking like that? You're still standing next to me from when you just spoke to me."
"Yes, but you see it too no? The intertwining of our fates, in this very trial."
"Yes yes… we're facing you guys round 1. But…"
"And then the Tsundere Xavier, blushed as Billy mentioned the intertwining of their fates," Melanie whispered as she began writing things down in her notebook.
"No no! That is not what's happening. And plus, shouldn't we send Paula to fight? Or Fiona, I'm pretty sure you two are the strongest."
Paula: Nah I don't know, Billy sounded pretty convincing, you gotta just do it for the narrative.
Melanie: Yes yes!
Xavier: What… What narrative?
Billy: The narrative of how you're my eternal…
Xavier: Alright alright I get it!
I put a hand over his mouth.
Xavier: Our planet is still at stake though! You can't just determine something like that because of narrative! That's stupid. I think we should be as game theory optimal as possible, what are the rules if we tie? Then maybe if we both throw…
Fiona: No balls.
Xavier: …what.
Paula: Yeah I don't know, sounds like you may be being a little bit of a puss Xavier.
Xavier: No that's…
Melanie: And upon seeing the dominant energy emitted from Billy, Xavier had no choice but to submit before the battle even began.
Xavier: Alright alright fine whatever I'll fight. Just shut up holy…
Billy: That's the spirit!
*Goes up to give Xavier a hug*
Billy: As expected from my eternal rival!
Xavier: Alright too tight too tight I can't breathe! Paula, can you carry Melanie today?
Next to me on the ground, Melanie had fainted from blood loss again.
Paula: Yeah yeah, just don't disappoint us; we're all counting on you.
Fiona: Believe it.
Xavier: Thanks guys… so do we get weapons for this or…?
Ned: THE CONTEST WILL ALSO BE HAND TO HAND ONLY WITH A WINNER DETERMINED BY RING OUT, KNOCKOUT, OR OPPONENT FORFEIT.
Paula: There you go.
Ned: THE FIRST ROUND BETWEEN TEAM 4 AND TEAM 3 WILL BEGIN IN 10 MINUTES, COMBANTANTS PLEASE BEGIN WALKING TOWARDS THE CENTER CONCRETE SQUARE WHERE A GUARD WILL OPEN A DOOR IN THE WALLS FOR YOU.
Xavier: What 10 minutes? That's so short?! What about my training arc? Those are always important to…
Ned: SHUT UP DIPSHIT THIS IS LITERALLY CHEAP POPCORN ENTERTAINMENT, WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO DO SILLY THINGS LIKE BUILDING PLOT NARRATIVES. NOW CUE "EYE OF THE TIGER"
Xavier: Okay you actually can't use song lyrics though. That's an actual copywrite issue we can't get around. I spent 2 hours last night researching these laws to…
DUN… DUN DUN DUN… DUN DUN DUN...…DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
DUN… DUN DUN DUN… DUN DUN DUN… DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
DUN… DUN BA DUN DA DA DUNNNNNNN BADUN BADUN DUNNNNNNNNN BADUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
-5 minutes later-
I looked in front of me where Billy Mobius prepared his stance. He was still wearing his generic swimsuit. His body, about generic build, and his face full of generic determination.
"COMBATANTS, PREPARE TO FIGHT," Ned's voice boomed from above. In all my 21 years, I had never once been in a fight unless you counted the unspeakable amount of time I wasted dedicating myself to the Nintendo Smash Brothers Series. So to be honest, at the time I did not have much of a plan or belief in myself. The only solace I perhaps had was the comment Paula made in Trial 1 about how we were the main characters and most popular people on this show so there's no way I would actually be allowed to lose.
"BEGIN!"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
At soon as Ned gave the signal, Billy began charging me in a weird way.
"What… what is that?"
Billy's sister 1 while observing: Heh heh heh
Paula: What's so funny?
Billy's sister 1: it's already over.
Paula: Oh nice cool
Billy's sister 1: This right here is Billy's special technique.
Paula: Wait no, I didn't ask you to…
Billy's brother: The single Mobius… I did not realize my brother had already learned such a technique. Truly he has been working hard in his free time.
Paula: Okay why are you all talking like that?
Billy's sister 2: By twirling his body in the Mobius manner he does, he creates confusion making it difficult for Xavier to determine if he is hitting his backside, or front side... or no side at all. In short, in this mode Billy is creating a weakness in an attribute Xavier cannot easily overcome… depth perception.
Billy's sister 1 whispering to Paula: Your companion here must be quite special to Billy for him to unleash such a technique. It is one, he has not even shown us as of yet, his precious family, but yet to Xavier, he doesn't hesitate to go all out.
Paula: What does that even mean?
Melanie: Wait! … Could you like… repeat what you just said Billy's sister 1?
Billy's sister 1: The names Mary! And sure… basically Billy is trying not to underestimate Xavier so he is bringing out a fighting technique that…
Melanie: No no, but like in the way you said before about… I don't know, Xavier being special and how Billy is going all out.
Billy's sister 1: That is my brother miss degenerate. As cool as he is I will not be dirtying his name to entertain your delusions.
Fiona: Oh hi Xavier.
*Bam*
Suddenly out of nowhere, Xavier's body went flying hitting the wall right in front of Fiona before landing onto the ground, out of bounds of the cement square.
Ned: CONGRATULATIONS BILLY AND THE MOBIUS SIBLINGS OF PLANET 24, YOU ARE THE FIRST TEAM TO PASS.
Paula: Wow, way to go Xavshit, you really blew it
Xavier: Man, how was I to know he had a secret technique.
Fiona: Skill issue.
Xavier: It impaired my depth perception okay! How do you fight that?
Melanie: Ahhh it's okay Xavier, you'll accept your place as a bottom soon enough.
Xavier: I fucking swear.
Paula: Say, Ned, when's our next fight? We really gotta wait for all these filler fights to finish like all the other shows?
Ned: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, ALL THESE TEAMS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS OF THEIR OWN UNIVERSE'S SILLY HUMANS. WE WILL NOT MAKE AN EXCEPTION BY ONLY SHOWING YOUR FIGHTS.
Melanie: Yeah! Ned's right!
Xavier: Are you only saying this because you want to see the team on the all-guy planet fight?
Melanie: I will not confirm nor deny this claim!
Paula: Nah nah, all good, I got this dipshit, I'll just put up another line break here.
Xavier: What?
-5 fights later-
Ned: AND NOW THE FINAL FIGHT. WE HAVE PLANET 4 FEATURING MELANIE, FIONA, PAULA, AND XAVIER VS PLANET 28 FEATURING…
Xavier: Nope nope, random interruption-jutsu, we are not having more named characters to make this messy.
Fiona: Smart
Paula: Yeah good call dipshit.
Xavier: Dang, thank you guys. So, which one of you 2 got this one?
Fiona:…
Paula:…
Xavier: What! Ah hell no. Ain't no way I'm going, nope, I would rather the planet just blow up than have to experience that again.
Paula: Yeah yeah shut your yapping, I got this.
She went up to Melanie and whispered something in her ear. Our opponent combatant appeared to be a petite girl on the other side. Paula pointed at the opponent and suddenly Melanie's face began to light it.
Melanie: Okay got it!
Without warning, Melanie opened the door of the glass wall and entered the cement square.
Xavier: What Melanie? Are you sure that's a good idea? She's not exactly… the most physically imposing.
As I looked at Paula however, she simply shook her head.
Paula: No, it is you who does not understand. True strength and power are more than just how much you can lift.
Xavier: …explain?
Ned: AND BEGIN!
Paula: This won't last 2 minutes.
Xavier: Uhhh… alright you sure?
As I looked at the cement square, it appeared Melanie and her opponent were just standing there next to each other for a second. I couldn't really make out what Melanie was saying but her mouth did appear to be moving rapidly.
Xavier: I don't know Paula, I feel like this will go longer than that.
Paula: 3, 2,
Ned: AND IT APPEARS THAT IS… A HAND RAISED BY PLANET 28? UHHHHH… OKAY, THAT'S USUALLY A FORFEIT BUT LET'S BRING OUT ONE OF THE JUDGES TO CONFIRM.
Xavier: What…
A tiki-masked alien suddenly popped into the arena with a camera. The cube TV displayed him on camera running towards Melanie and the other girl.
Ned: UHHHH… ALRIGHT SO LET'S CONFIRM PLANET 28 GIRL. DO YOU WISH TO FORFEIT? YOU REALIZE YOUR PLANET WILL BE DESTROYED RIGHT?
Planet 28 girl: Yes yes please okay yes I get it just please let me leave let me…
Melanie: But if you think about who Alexander the Great was in history and his rather questionable amount of male partners during his campaign, and then look at Rider's interactions with Waver Velvet… I'm not saying it's confirmed canon or anything but…
Planet 28 girl: I would also like to request a shotgun for myself at the end of this! This fucking woman just won't…
Melanie: Oh and as an avid Fujioshi enjoyer like Paula told me…
Planet 28 girl: I'm literally a lesbian!
Melanie: As an avid culture enjoyer, please can I ask your thoughts on how in Code Gayass LeLouche loses control of his Gayass every single time he thinks about Suzaku. There's no way that could only be a bromance that's just…
Planet 28 girl: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
In one swift motion, the girl punched herself as hard as she possibly could knocking herself onto the ground unconscious.
Ned: ALRIGHT… WELL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT APPEARS WE HAVE JUST EXPERIENCED THE MOST POWERFUL FORCE IN ALL OF THE KNOWN GALAXIES. THE WINNER OF THIS MATCH IS MELANIE FROM PLANET…
Melanie: Wait no! I didn't even talk about how Kirishima and Bakugo are actually going to be the end game ship in Boku no Hero. Like I'm not even kidding! For every other major character, there is already a ship. See! I'm objective about what can or cannot be canon! Definitely not a crack shipper. Like you don't see me shipping Deku and Bakugo do you? No, because that ship is just silly! No no, I only enjoy the premium stuff. The kind of ship even Jack Sparrow would go for. The kind that…