Chapter 18

The walk to the cabin was painful once Lexi started her questioning and much to my surprise every so often Declan would tilt his head towards me slightly, signaling that he too was interested in my answer. She went on to explain that she'd wondered if anything was happening between us, given the fact that we'd been spending so much time together.

This surprised both Declan and I, and I was even more surprised with his facial expression at this revelation. It almost seemed like he hadn't thought about it and was now wondering if that was all this was. That our closeness over the past few weeks was what was making us attracted to each other. I felt a little stab in my chest, saddened that he could even consider that, but it was possible that all this attraction could stem from a closeness and kinship that none of us had ever experienced. I couldn't comprehend how I'd come to read Declan's facial expressions perfectly – knowing him for less than two weeks. It was a neat superpower though and I knew if we'd ever be held captive together that we'd be able to have endless conversation on strategy and escape through our eyes alone.

Lexi's questions and statements were confusing me which made me breathe a sigh of relief when the cabin finally came into view. I almost ran towards it, but Declan pulled me back hard and I fell back against his chest with a thud. It's funny how that one simple action could stir so much within me – and it seemed like everything he did stirred up emotion - but I guess this was something I'd have to get used to eventually.

"Let me check it out first, make sure it's safe. You guys stay here, keep your eyes and ears open."

The last part was directed at both James and I and we both nodded. He was standing extremely close to me still and I could tell there was something more he wanted to add.

"If you hear or see something, run, don't worry about me."

His eyes found mine for the end of the sentence and his hand instinctively rested on my cheek. This was how we were taught and indirectly it was a test to see if I would listen to instruction given to me by senior authority or if I would abandon my duty to save him.

I wasn't conflicted in that moment, they come first. I knew James and I would protect Lexi with our lives, but it might not be so simple in the moment and I knew I might hesitate if it came down to it. Still I nodded before Declan let his hand fall to his side and walked away to check the cabin. The intensity of the situation wasn't lost on me, but my self-control won in the end and I managed to keep my expression neutral.

He was gone a little longer than I would have liked, but then he signaled for us to go inside as it was safe. He didn't stay inside with us, instead he said he'd do a perimeter sweep just to be sure he didn't miss anything. He also said that if we didn't want to get caught we couldn't stay at the cabin indefinitely, but that's where it got tricky.

We had picked the cabin specifically because it was on school grounds and were we caught we could appeal to the powers that be that we never actually left school grounds. It was one of the parts of our plan that made it slightly flawed, but at the same time it could be the difference between getting to stay at St. Vladimir's and being shipped back to the royal court and indefinite suspension.

That wasn't a thought I wanted running around in my head, it made me paranoid and if we were to spend night and day cooped up in this cabin I needed to be calm. Paranoia was going to cause tension and tension really was the last thing we needed.

"What exactly is going on between you and my brother?"

In a sick twist, apparently the universe didn't want me to enjoy our time and James was the one to shatter the illusion. Declan hadn't even been gone 5 minutes and we'd literally just sat down. I looked at James with a frown, although we both knew that there was no point in denying that there really was something going on. They'd caught us kissing and no matter what unbelievingly dull story I tried to make up, that image would just disprove anything I was about to say that wasn't the truth.

The cabin was homey and cozy, Declan had gotten a fire going in the old ornate fireplace before coming to get us and the place was warming up with each passing second. It wasn't lost on me that there was only one bed and four of us and although Lexi, James and I had slept in one bed before, having Declan with us made things a little complicated.

Especially given the fact that James didn't at all seem happy that there was something happening between his brother and me. I couldn't quite understand why though. He didn't actually seem fazed by our kiss, just shocked.

"Honestly James, I'm not even sure myself but I like him. That much I do know."

I had surprised myself by being so calm and by being more honest with him than I had been with myself over these last couple of days. Honesty was the best policy and I knew I wouldn't be able to lie straight to his face, even if I was still trying to lie to myself.

James eyed me suspiciously, but Lexi held no such animosity she smiled at me brightly clearly liking these new developments. I suddenly felt like I had to prove myself to James that I was somehow worthy of his brother even though I didn't quite know where this thing between us was going.

James surprised me once again with his next words. I'd be lying if I said the same thought hadn't crossed my mind too many times for me to count, but when James asked the question, it made me feel like no answer would be sufficient.

"God Lily do you know how many girls throw themselves at Declan constantly? I thought you'd be above all this especially since you're not actually available."

I was shocked at that statement and I didn't even know how to respond. Though I wasn't technically available, I wasn't really in a relationship with Micah either. It didn't make what I did right and trying to convince myself otherwise showed just how inexperienced I was in these situations, but it wasn't like I asked for this and he should know me better than that.

James looked pained by his own words, like he didn't actually want to say them but knew someone had to. By the looks he kept shooting Lexi I knew he hoped she would, but he realized that Lexi actually liked me and Declan together and that meant she wouldn't say anything to contradict that. He wasn't exactly displeased at the developments, but he saw honesty as a virtue and he'd rather be damned than hold his tongue about injustice – especially when it came to his friends.

He sighed obviously wrestling with his words, trying to make them as neutral as possible, but there was nothing neutral about it and once it was out it felt like I'd been punched in the gut, hard.

"What about Micah, Lily?"

His question had been one that I'd ask myself on the regular, but coming from him it had hurt immensely. That wasn't the problem though, because I wasn't actually staring at him I was staring past him to where Declan had been standing listening to the entire conversation – one-sided as it was.

Declan looked confused, but not angry. Almost like he didn't quite understand the question. I looked between James and Declan a couple of times until James actually noticed his brothers' presence, but then he narrowed his eyes at Declan's confusion.

It was difficult for James to keep quiet once he started and it was something about him I used to quite admire, he was never afraid to speak his mind though at this particular moment I wished he wouldn't. I wanted to fold myself under the nearest rock I could find and just stay there, wallowing in my own self-pity. Not that I actually deserved it – I'd created these problems for myself and I knew I had to face them sooner or later. I just selfishly hoped it would be later.

"What about Guardian Tanner?"

I was relieved when Declan beat James by getting out his question first, but by the look of horror on James' face I actually wished he'd continued without interruption.

"Jesus Lily, he doesn't even know does he?"

James chuckled lowly in disbelief and Declan looked just as confused as he'd previously been, though it looked like there was something else behind his eyes – something that looked a lot like realization but didn't yet show on his face.

James was nudging me with his eyes he didn't like secrets and, judging by how I acted upon hearing the secret being kept from me my entire life, neither did I. I sighed and with all eyes on me I had no choice but to come clean.

I had wanted to do it on my terms, but it seemed that – once again – the universe was conspiring against me but it's not like I was doing anything to dissuade it from its course.

"Micah… Guardian Tanner and I have kind of been seeing each other and…"

"I get it, Micah is a great guy."

Declan interrupted and I was flabbergasted by this comment. I could see both James and Lexi's faces mirrored mine and Declan chuckled at us. He didn't sound defeated or angry and the fact that he wasn't made me feel so much more guilt. He couldn't really be okay with this, could he? It kind of defeated the purpose of being in a relationship to begin with.

"I wasn't at all above thinking that she could be involved with someone else. I mean I know most guys here love Lily and it's not because she's skilled or smart."

I was blushing again at that statement, trying to hide behind the loose curls of my hair by pushing it in front of my face. I was peeking through it when Declan turned towards James and spoke again.

"So she's confused James, she's sixteen she's allowed to be and I believe I haven't been making it easy on her."

The last thing I wanted was for Declan to think he'd been the reason I hadn't said anything when the truth was that it was because of my father and the fact that I was scared it would get back to him somehow. In hindsight though I don't think Declan would do or say anything that could possibly hurt me and thinking otherwise reflected solely on me and not on him.

The walls were starting to close in and I could clearly feel myself starting to panic. I knew I had to get out of there no matter how potentially risky it could be. If I got caught at least they would still be safe and that was all that mattered to me. See, even in a time like this I was still only thinking about my friends. I wasn't that big of a monster, it's just that my complicated love life turned me into one.

"I'm sorry Declan."

I barely whispered as I moved past him and headed out the door. I heard him say "don't" to whomever was about to follow me, but I still heard footsteps following rapidly behind me and then I felt his hand catch my arm and I spun around.

There were still so many questions in his eyes, but he didn't voice any of them. Instead he made sure that I was okay, or at least going to be okay. I looked down unable to drown myself in his eyes, I felt too bad about what I had done but I felt even worse that he understood – I couldn't fathom how that was even possible.

He gripped my jaw, a little too hard, and forced me to look up at him. I silently welcomed the slight throb it caused, I clearly deserved so much more – Jesus Christ when had I become such a fucking masochist?

Now that I was forced to look at him I still tried avoiding his eyes, but when he chuckled at my aversion I instinctively looked at him. Damn this guy had some skills I'd love to adopt as my own.

"Lily, it's not a big deal. It wasn't James' place to make you tell me and I'll be sure to tell him that later. I subconsciously knew, but I wanted you to tell me when you were ready to make a decision."

His words, however sweet they were, made me furious. How could he be so calm about this when I couldn't even be? If I had been in his shoes I would have been completely irate. Because of this my next words came out harsher than I had intended, but Declan didn't even flinch. I think he might have read it on my face even before I spoke.

"How can you be so calm? I have been fighting with myself since the day you first kissed me. I'm a fucking hypocrite Declan, I get mad at my parents for lying to me my entire life but then I turn around and lie to all of the people in my life. How can you stand there and tell me that you understand when I don't even understand it myself?"

Declan was smiling at my little outburst and I was suddenly close to tears at how mad that made me, but his response wasn't at all what I had expected.

"Look Lily, I know you want me to yell at you but that's not who I am. I like you and by the way you're constantly responding to me tells me you like me too and while I don't like the fact that you've been seeing some other guy, I do understand that you had a life before I showed up. It wouldn't be fair if I expected you to drop everything and run away with me, metaphorically speaking obviously. Although we did kind of run-away together, didn't we?"

That last part had actually made me smile and I did get where he was coming from, but all I wanted was for someone to tell me that I was right in chastising myself for my indiscretions. I would really have liked that person to be him, but now I was starting to think that the agreement would come from the one I least expected, Micah.

Almost like Declan could read my mind he pulled me into his chest and wrapped his arms around me.

"Micah is a good guy, he'll understand I promise."

I knew it wasn't a promise he should have made, because it wasn't a promise he could keep, but it was oddly comforting and standing there in his arms it really did feel like all was right in the world.

"You know all of this really could just be a blessing you know?"

Declan whispered into my hair and I pulled back slightly to look up at him questioningly. For the first time since we met, I couldn't read his expression and that seemed to intrigue me even more. He was an enigma, a puzzle that I desperately wanted and needed to solve.

"You know Micah's mind, you might be able to give us some insight on what is happening on campus. It could be invaluable, but only if you're comfortable with it because if you do this I think it might be time to clue James and Lexi in."

My eyes widened at this and I was just about to ask Declan if he was sure it was the right thing to do when he interrupted.

"Just about you of course, I'm still of the opinion that – where James is concerned – my secret would be better coming from my father, because if it were up to me it wouldn't have been a secret anymore."

I nodded and composed myself, adopting the standard stoic guardian expression and Declan smiled at me leading the way back. Before he could open the door to the cabin, I closed my hand around his on the knob and he looked down at me. I had been building up the courage to say this next line and my heart was hammering inside my chest. Even though I'd said the words to James earlier, it was a completely different thing saying them to the man they're about.

I tested the words on my tongue before I spoke them, and though I was more nervous than I had ever been in my life I somehow found the courage. The smile on his face was all the evidence I needed to know I was doing the right thing.

"I like you too Declan."