26. Overkill & A Deadly Game

I wasn't planning to combine these two. I really wasn't. But then I sat down to write and this happened and it just worked out better this way. So here you have it...the final chapter of season 2.

Overkill & A Deadly Game

She was curled up in his office chair reading the final pages of Nikki Heat when the door to the loft clicked open. It was a Monday night and Castle had spent the majority of the day in meetings. The next book was nearly ready to be sent in for final edits, and as such, it was time to begin planning the rest of his publicity events for the summer and fall.

As usual, the meeting had run long, and with Alexis off at her new internship, Kate had found herself alone in the silence of the loft. So she'd been reading, allowing herself to get lost in the world of Nikki and Rook.

Footsteps across the loft and a shadow falling over the room finally tore her eyes from the final words and up into the tired eyes of her partner. Castle looked stressed, as was par for the course after long meetings, but happy to see her. His eyes lit up as he took in her casual clothes, the book in her hand, the way she was smiling softly up at him.

"Hey."

"Hey," she breathed, setting the book aside and reaching up for him as he neared, pulling him down into a slightly awkward hug.

He kissed her softly, breathed her in.

"How was it?"

He shrugged, slipped off his coat and tossed it over the back of the chair. "Long. But we've got the schedule mostly set."

"That's good."

"Yeah." He deposited his iPad on the desktop, eyes catching on the book. "You're reading."

"Just finished, actually. Good timing."

His eyes were fixated on the cover still. "Why that one?"

"Huh?"

He gestured to the novel. "Naked Heat."

She shrugged. "It was out. What's wrong with it?"

I'm not..." he paused, "not as proud of that one."

"But you wrote it," Kate pointed out.

Castle sighed. "And at the time, writing it was cathartic. Now... I don't know, I wish it'd been different."

She considered him for a few moments. "What would you have done instead? What would they have done?"

He shrugged, loosened the top button on his shirt and toed off his shoes. "I don't know, really. I hadn't written much before I left that summer. I'd tentatively outlined it, but when I got there I couldn't write it that way. Hell, I couldn't write much of anything decent."

She looked away, eyes cast down in shame. "Oh."

"Hey," he called softly, bringing her gaze up to his own. He crouched down, hands on her knees so they were eye to eye. "Don't blame yourself. You know we were both at fault for the way things were that summer. And besides, it made for a better story this way."

Kate laughed softly and Castle smiled too, lightening the mood a bit as had been his intention.

She looked from the book to his laptop and back to him, was struck with a sudden thought. "Did you..."

"Did I?" he prompted when she trailed off warily.

"You said you couldn't write, but did you... to me, I mean."

Recognition dawned in his eyes and they softened. "Just once. I tried to more than that. Thought it would help, but it just hurt. Don't," he pleaded sharply, cutting her off as she opened her mouth to speak. "Don't apologize. You were no more at fault than I was."

She blinked hard, willed back the tears that threatened. She still felt guilty, but she also knew he was right.

"Can we read it?"

"The letter?"

She nodded.

"Sure." He pressed his lips to hers softly, stood to retrieve the notebook. "I think there's one more from before the summer, too."

When he returned Kate stood, gesturing for him to sit and then curling onto his lap. He wrapped an arm around her waist and her right one fell to his chest while her left rose to hold open the page.

"You sure?" he double checked.

She could do this. She could. And she needed to. They needed to.

"Yeah."

Dear Kate,

He kissed you today. And you kissed him back.

Kate closed her eyes, exhaled slowly. She'd been trying to keep it private. Trying to make sure nobody saw. She shook her head slightly, focused back on the page.

I want it to be me you're kissing.

I thought I'd made that overly apparent, but maybe I haven't or maybe it's just not meant to be and I should move on and stop hoping you'll notice me someday. Maybe I'm not what you're looking for, or maybe you're just way out of my league. Maybe it's time for me to let go.

I guess we don't always get what we want.

I don't know what to do, to be honest. I don't want to walk away but I don't know if I can just stand here and watch you two be together every day. It's starting to become too painful to ignore and I'm losing hope that it's just a passing thing. He obviously adores you and, judging by events today, you're falling for him pretty quickly.

I'm falling for you, too, you know. Falling really hard. But I guess that's not enough.

I should walk away. Leave you two in peace. But I can't.

It's selfish. I know it is. But I can't help it. I care about you, Kate. I think we could be really great together. All I'm asking is for you to give me a chance.

-Castle

"I'm sorry," Kate whispered.

"It's okay," he replied, an echo of her words from a few days earlier when this same topic first arose. "Like you said, we weren't ready."

"I know." She buried her nose in his neck, breathed him in. "But we could've had two more years."

"Or we could've had a few months and then crashed and burned," he offered in counterpoint.

"Do you..." she blinked hard, lifted her chin to meet his eyes. "Do you think we would've?"

Castle shrugged, gently caressing her cheek with his thumb. "I don't know," he replied honestly. "There's no way we'll ever know. But at least this way we worked out all the kinks first, you know?"

Well, not all of them. But most of them.

"Yeah, I guess," Kate agreed. She paused and Castle could sense the thoughts swirling in her head, quietly awaited her next words. "Were you really going to leave?"

"I don't know." He sighed heavily. "I thought about it. I thought it'd hurt less if I just walked away from you then. But I missed you so much all summer that I don't think I could've stayed away forever."

"Then why didn't you come back right away?"

"What do you mean?"

"You were back in town obviously, since I arrested you. But you hadn't called."

He ran a heavy hand across his forehead, met her eyes, and in his blue depths she could see deep-seated regret. "I was waiting until after the book release, because I had signings and meetings and a lot of other things. But honestly, I was dreading what might've happened in my absence."

"You mean...?"

"With him," he offered.

"Oh."

"Yeah."

Kate settled back into the cradle of his body, flipped tentatively to the next page of the journal. She let the page fall into place, found herself staring at another sheet of Castle's familiar scrawl, this one nearly full.

Dear Kate,

I miss you.

I don't know what I was thinking when I decided to leave for the whole summer, but it was a terrible idea. Well actually, I know exactly what I was thinking. I was thinking I couldn't stand an entire summer of watching you and Demming make goo-goo eyes at each other. I treasure the time you and I spend together but it was becoming too painful.

And since things were obviously tense with both of us around and he's the actual cop, I figured I should step aside. Given that I still haven't heard from you, I assume I haven't really been missed.

I also thought that maybe if I wasn't with you every day, I'd stop having feelings for you. I thought that out here, away from you and the precinct and the city, maybe I'd be able to forget about you and move on from something that's obviously never going to happen. I even brought Gina, because I figured she'd help take my mind off you. And I've been with her before, so I knew we could make it work without too much effort on my part.

Turns out the joke was on me, because it just doesn't work that way, Kate. It's been a month and I still can't stop thinking about you. It's wrong, because I shouldn't be waking up next to one woman while thinking of another. At first I thought maybe it would fade with time, you know? It's been long enough now that I know better. It's not going to go away, no matter how hard I try. But I'm going to stick with it, because what other choice do I have? Even if I go back to the precinct, I can't continue this way. I have to move on. Maybe if I fake it long enough, I'll eventually be able to believe it.

And the fact that I still have to finish this book isn't helping, because how can I write Nikki without thinking of you? I guess my only reprieve is that I can give Nikki and Rook the ending you and I are never going to have.

I know I shouldn't be writing this letter, because it's certainly not helping me get over my feelings for you, but I need to get this out. And maybe someday, by some crazy twist of fate, you'll read this and realize that I'm here and I care about you. A lot.

Maybe someday I'll dare to hope again.

For now, I'll just keep reminding myself that sometimes you have to settle for second best.

-Castle

Silence fell, but as Kate turned her head to meet Castle's eyes, she could see no words were needed. She'd pushed him away. He'd left. And she'd watched him walk away.

A million things could've been different that summer, but the reality was that they weren't. Choices had been made and prices had been paid, and the consequences had nearly torn them apart irreparably.

But they were stronger for all of that.

And they were stronger for reading about it now, too. For talking things through and sharing in each other's pain of the past.

They were stronger together.

Thoughts?

As usual, suggestions for the upcoming letters are most welcome!