Trust in Him

My eyes closed shut as I overheard the doctor's murmuring to someone else in the room. Car incident, I heard him say. For a moment, I felt like my subconscious drift off into a series of flashbacks.

"Grayson, stop the car."

"What?" The unknown man looked at me strangely.

"Stop the car, I can't do this! I can't leave my family behind like this. We need to go back."

"No." He firmly stated, keeping his eyes on the road.

"No? What do you mean--"

"I can't spend a day without you, Zo. I need you in my life. I'm not going to stop the car, I'm sorry." He took small glances at me while still having his eyes fixated on the busy road.

"Grayson, you know I love you, but," I grabbed his hand that was stuck to the wheel, and it swerved the car a bit.

"Are you crazy?!" He fixed the direction of the car, swiping my hand.

"Grayson, you don't understand, my mum and my brother need me--"

He turned his head towards my sharply with the most worrisome look I've ever seen. "What about me, Zo? What about me? I need you. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think of you. Zoey, I'm in love with y--"

"Look out!!"

The brightest lights flashed right in front​ of me before everything went dark. My eyes shot open, and I felt like I was going to die. God, I couldn't breathe. My vision blurred. The machines that surrounded me started going berserk, and a tag team of nurses rushed into my room. One of them injected a shot of Benzo into my left arm and a sudden pool of relief slowly overwhelmed me.

I drifted off into what felt like a long sleep.

***

I woke up to see my mum dressed in a blue, long hospital gown with a urinary catheter attached to her, placed on the moving metal stand. She was sitting at the right side of my bed.

"Mum, are you alright?" I asked her. She looked weak and fragile unlike how she normally was.

"I'm fine, Zoey. You had a panic attack a few hours ago, I just wanted to make sure you were okay." She bit her lip in worry.

"Is that what that was? I could've sworn I felt like I was going to die." I responded with a sheer smile.

"The doctors said it's quite common with patients with trauma. But they were concerned, and suggested you took a break from digging deeper into your memory loss. Trying to dig in too much right now might cause you to have another intense episode." Her hand rested on my stomach, and she patted me like I was a toddler.

I couldn't figure what was happening or what she had been talking about. Memory loss, panic attack, trauma... I had no idea what was going on. But I didn't want to worry her so I kept my lips shut.

The door slid open to reveal the same man that appeared in my flashback, and for some unknown reason, I wanted to cry.

"I'll leave the two of you now." My mum stood up but struggled to walk towards the door.

"Let me help you, Mrs. Lawson." He said softly to her but she urged him to spend time with me, and convinced him that she was fine. When she left the room, the attractive man pulled tape player and inserted a tape before pressing play. I recognised he voices, my mum's, his, and mine. All of them were recorded in this very room. For hours, we listened to them together, it almost felt like a lazy day of Netflix and I was catching up on the days I had forgotten.

"Wow." I huffed heavily. "Is my voice always this annoying?" I joked, and it made him smile.

"Always." He playfully responded, turning the tape player off after we listened to the most recent one.

"I don't know how you manage all of this."

"I don't know how either." He shrugged. "But I know why." He didn't say much, but his eyes spoke for him. He loved me.

"What's your most favourite thing about me?" I asked him, taking him by surprise.

"Your heart." It was fragile-- his response. The way he said it left a bitter sweet taste in my mouth.

"Grayson... I know I'm not supposed to recall past memories right now but is it okay if you brought​ me something of us tomorrow. Pictures of us, or letters we shared, texts maybe? Anything that can remind me of us."

His face lightened, "If you want, I'll do that. I'm sure we probably have an unfinished scrapbook we made somewhere in our old apartment."

"Thanks," I grinned, "You know, I sure do have great taste in men." I teased him. And that made his solemn look wither away and his little cute dimples form at the sides. He leaned over the bed, put one hand in mine, and the other under my chin. I felt myself shiver under his touch, his forehead gently grazing over mine.

"Is it okay if I kiss you?" His deep husky voice managed to form a whisper, and completely undid every part of me. Why did it feel like it was going to be the last time?

"Yeah..." I breathe him in closer, I was attracted to him like a paperclip to a magnet. His fingers gently pinched my chin closer to his, and his lips touched mine. Something about this kiss felt so familiar, I could feel it right down my spine. I wasn't standing but I felt myself collapsing within his hold. After a good long minute, our lips parted but his lips left a lasting imprint on mine.

He quickly held my hand, and planted a small, endearing kiss on the back of my hand. "I'll always love you, Zoey, no matter where I am in the world."

When he left the room, I wondered to myself. Why did I tell him to let me go when I was the one who couldn't let him go?

***

"Zoey, I need to tell you something."

I feared for my mother's health. I didn't exactly knew what was on her mind was something was eating her up, I knew it.

"I was the one who drove you to run away. I should have let you marry Grayson. I shouldn't have forced you and Jasper together--."

"Mum, stop. Please don't ever say that any of this is your fault. I hate to see you like this." I stopped her before she could even continue. I couldn't bare to see the two people I love beat themselves down for something that was fate's doing. "What happened to me is truly unfortunate. I know I sound accepting of my situation but you have no idea how much I wish and prayed this was reversible. I know it sounds cruel but I wish this happened to someone else, not me. But blaming​ yourself is not a one way ticket. It hurts me too. It breaks my heart. And it's the last thing I need right now." I wiped my controllable tears off my face. "Mum, I love you so much, I love Grayson, I love Max and Dennis. I love Dad, even if he's no longer with us. It is never your fault, you hear me?" I grabbed onto her hand like I was holding on for dear life.

"Okay... okay, honey..." she put both hands on mine, and kissed my forehead. "I'm sorry, I love you." She rested her head at the side of the bed, drifting into sleep.

I truly did love her. After Dad's passing, I remembered how broken I was, and I remembered how hard Mum tried to be strong for all of us. Seeing her like this, this surely felt like everything she bottled up finally got released all at the same time and it became one giant emotional turmoil.

I hoped I could be there for her despite having to be in this mess, but I knew my condition wouldn't allow for it. I hated it. I hated that I wasn't able to remember that moment the next day.

I had always been someone who held great faith in a higher being-- a creator. Things don't appear out of thin air. I knew there had to be one. But sometimes I question his actions, was there a purpose for all of this? I closed my eyes and let the room fade into dark oblivion.

Dear God, why?